24: The Parody
by marcen12
Summary: There is a threat in the world...and it's up to Jack and his pals to stop it.
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN ANY 24 CHARACTERS OR SETTINGS! THESE THINGS ARE OWNED BY THE PEOPLE AT FOX STUDIOS! (OH SWEET GOD.) ENJOY!

24

_**The following takes place between 8:00am to 9:00am.**_

**8:00 am**

At Jack's house. Jack is sleeping in his bed when his phone rings. He picks it up.

Jack: Hello?

Chloe: Jack. I need you to give me a ride to work. My car got stolen by a French guy.

Jack: You could say that you got wasted last night and smashed your car into a building again.

Chloe: Oh, okay. What you said.

Jack: I'll be on my way. (hangs up)

Jack turns over and Chloe is right beside him in bed.

Jack: Let's go.

Chloe: (puts a pillow on her face; also pulls covers up also) Just five more minutes, Mom!

Jack: (gets up and pull covers off of her) You heard me, young lady! Get up! We're going out to eat!

Chloe: I don't wanna! Going out is stupid.

Jack: When I get back from brushing my teeth. You had better be up and ready!

Chloe moves violently all over the bed.

Jack: (calls out) You can pretend you're in a seizure all you want; you still have to go to work!

Chloe: (gets out of bed) Dammit.

Jack: Don't use my word.

**8:05 am**

The White House. Mr. Logan is in his office. He is sitting down in front of his television, watching The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. A moment later, a security guard comes in.

Security Guard: Excuse me, Mr. Logan?

Mr. Logan: Please, Mr. Security Guard. We're known each other for five minutes. Call me Mr. Nixon.

SG: Um, Mr. Nixon. We have a problem.

Mr. Logan: Mr. Guard. We have a lot going for us since this story started. This problem you speak of can't possibly be as big as you would suggest it.

SG: Cheney is here to see you.

Mr. Logan: (peeved) Oh God. This nut job. Alright, send him in.

The Security Guard leaves the room and in comes Dick Cheney.

Cheney: Good morning, Mr. Nixon.

Mr. Logan: To you, it's Mr. Logan.

Cheney: Mr. Nixon, we've got a huge problem.

Mr. Logan: Yes, we do. You have no pulse so you should be dead.

Cheney: But, Mr. President…

Mr. Logan: MR. LOGAN!

Cheney: I'm sorry. Mr. Nixon, we have a problem that is bigger than both of us combined.

Logan: What problem can be bigger than you?

Cheney: Someone stole all the cookies from your cookie jar.

Logan gets up and looks horrified.

Logan: Dear God! Who would do such a thing? This goes way beyond what I could solve. This is a national tragedy!

Cheney: (calm) We can buy more…

Logan looks at Cheney, furious. He goes up to Cheney and strangles him.

Logan: Don't be an idiot! We have to find out who is responsible. (stops strangling) Even if that means draining every single tax dollar to find out whom it was.

Cheney: Don't you mean 'who it was'?

Logan: Are you President? I didn't think so! This problem is not going to go away all by itself. It's not Watergate. We need help. I know! Call the A-Team!

Cheney: You had them executed after you realized that you needed to cut back on unnecessary projects no one else cared about.

Logan: That explains the 2010 movie no one saw. Oh, well. We'll just have to find someone who can make problems disappear. Say, you've died and went to Hell. Who do you know down there that can help?

Cheney: There is one guy but he is the most screwed up person we've ever come by.

Logan: Nick Nolte?

Cheney: No. Someone else. Someone much more evil.

**8:16 am**

Jack and Chloe go up to a Chinese restaurant drive-thru.

Chloe: (confused) It's eight in the morning. Why are we having lunch now?

Jack: We're having lunch here because I've been banned from all the other breakfast chains. Talk to ONE Christmas tree and you're all over the news.

Chloe: That sounds horrible. (rolls her eyes)

Jack drives his car up to the voice box.

Box: Hello, may I take your order?

Jack: (looks at menu that is over the box) Yeah, I would like to order two orders of soup.

Box: And then?

Jack: Also, I would like to order the fried rice for two.

Box: And then?

Jack: The heavy set chicken for two, please?

Box: And then?

Chloe: What about some fortune cookies?

Jack: (laughs) Oh, yeah. Some fortune cookies.

Box: And then?

Jack: (looks at menu) Uhhh, that's about it.

Box: And then?

Jack: Uh, no. That's it.

Box: And then.

Jack: (laughs and looks at Chloe) Then, you can put it in a brown paper bag so that I can drive over there and get it because we're ready to eat!

Box: And then?

Jack: No, it's okay. All we'll have is the rice, the soup, the chicken.

Chloe: And the cookie's fortune!

Jack: Oh, right! Also, the fortune cookies! So, it's the rice, the soup, the chicken, the cookies and that's it!

Box: (groans) And then?

Jack: (upset) Hey! I refuse to play any of your Chinese food mind games!

Box: And then?

Jack: (irritated) No! No and then!

Box: And then!

Jack: No and then!

Box: And then!

Jack: No and then!

Box: And then!

Jack: No and then!

Box: And then.

Jack: (angry) And then, I'm going to come over there and put MY FOOT UP YOUR ASS IF YOU SAY AND THEN AGAIN!

The box was silent. Jack took a deep breath and looking at Chloe, giving her a thumbs up.

Box: AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN!

Jack: (got out his pistol) DIE YOU ALIEN SCUM!

Jack starts shooting wildly at the box, destroying it. Chloe, not so shocked at Jack's behavior, took the gun out of his hand and threw it at the backseat. She put her foot on the accelerator while Jack tried to destroy the box with his bare hands. The box was destroyed and, in a moment, caught on fire.

Box: And then?

**8:25 am**

A mother is baking a cake in her kitchen. Her son comes in.

Kid: Good morning, Mom!

Mother: Hi, sweetie! How was your rest?

Kid: (shrugs) It was alright. Although, I had a dream where there was a… oh, I forgot.

Mother: Oh, well. It happens to the best of us. Now, you can take your breakfast and go on the computer.

Kid: Okay!

The kid takes his breakfast to his room and puts the plate beside the computer. He turns the computer on to the Internet and checks his e-mail. Suddenly, a Meg Ryan figure pops up saying that he's got mail. He clicks on her and there is a link to YouTube.

Kid: Who the heck is Fred?

He clicks the link and there is a Fred video. The video pops up and there is a hyper based kid who talks annoyingly fast.

Fred: HI EVERYONE! IT'S FRED! I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND!

Kid: (laughs) This boy is funny!

The kid subscribes to Fred's account.

**8:31 am**

At Fred's home.

Fred: Excellent. I have over five million subscribers. Soon, I'll be more famous than America. Then I'll rule it.

Fred laughs with evil when his mother comes in his room.

Mom: Fred, are you done imagining ruling the world?

Fred: No, Mother! I will rule the world, along with my two pet mice! Today, however, I will rule this day.

Mom: Gee, Fred. What will we do tomorrow night?

Fred: Same thing we do every night, Mother. Try to take over the world!

THE MOTHER! THE MOTHER AND THE FRED! FRED! FRED! FRED! FRED! FRED! FRED! FRED! NARF!

**8:40 am**

Mr. Logan and Cheney are at the Oral Office, sitting on chairs while waiting for Cheney's desk.

Logan: I hope this person can solve this cookie crisis.

Cheney: Relax, Mr. Nixon. I sold my soul to Satan in order to get this guy back.

Logan: I thought you already sold your soul to Him.

Cheney: I've died more times than God. God can't get me anymore. Technically, I'm a zombie.

Suddenly, Ving Rhames burst in the room, wearing a police uniform and holding a shotgun.

Ving: I heard the word zombie and came as soon as I could.

Cheney: (gets up and pulls a shotgun) I can make this look like another 'accident'.

Ving slowly leaves the room just as the Security Guard comes in.

SG: Mr. President, there's someone hear to see you. He says he comes from Hell.

Logan: Yes, send him in.

SG: (walks out the door) He will see you now.

The figure goes into the room and Logan is shocked.

Cheney: Mr. President, I would like you to meet, Saddam Hussein.

Saddam: (smiles) Hey, what's up, fella?

**8:45 am **

Jack and Chloe have arrived at CTU. Jack stops in front of the station, irritated. Chloe is concerned.

Chloe: You didn't really have to do that to the box.

Jack: It was torturing me. It was like that movie I saw that was all about _mirrors_ and there was something about those _mirrors_ that was scary and when the main character saw there was something wrong with the _mirrors_, he tried to destroy the _mirrors_ but the _mirrors_ couldn't be destroyed. I think the movie was called 'The Wizard of Oz'.

Chloe: Look, Jack, you've had a stressful day this afternoon. Why don't you see your daughter to cheer yourself up?

Jack: I can't see her. Not after what happened last week.

_FLASHBACK_

Jack and Kim are in a town. Kim is behind a bottomless pit while Jack is talking to her.

Kim: (crying) Daddy, why are you doing this! This is crazy! This is madness.

Jack: (angry) No, Sweetie. THIS IS SPARTA!

He kicks his daughter in the hole.

_FLASHBACK END_

Chloe: I think you've been hitting the bong a little too much lately.

Jack: No, I haven't. Prove it.

Chloe: Well, you thought that the town park was a McDonald's and you drove right through it. Those poor kids…

Jack: I've done that while I was sober.

Chloe: For another thing, this is not CTU. This is…

Jack: Sparta?

Chloe: No, you idiot. This is NASA.

Jack: Same difference. Now, you go off to school!

Chloe: (gets out of car and goes to driver's side) Get out of the car!

Jack: (gets out of car) Geez, bitch much? (goes into backseat)

**8:50 am**

The mother goes into the kid's room.

Mom: Honey, are you done your breakfast?

Kid: (stares at the screen; doesn't say a word) Yes, Mom.

Mom: What are watching?

Kid: Frrreeeeed.

Mom: (looks at the video) This boy sure is annoying. He makes White Chicks seem tolerable.

Kid: Can we buy helium and loads of sugar?

Mom: Now hold on a minute, Mister…

Kid: I'm a girl.

Mom: Now, listen, young man. I don't want to have a child who sounds like Alvin and the Chipmunks with a lot of diabetes.

Kid: (gives his mom an evil look) Urge to kill rising.

Mom: (goes out of room) Oh so dramatic.

**8:55 am **

All the scenes are in split screen boxes. Logan and Cheney stare at Saddam who is smiling like an idiot. Fred in laughing like a villain, while giving his mother a sponge bath. The kid laughs so hard he falls into a coma while the mother is doing laundry.

Jack and Chloe finally arrive at CTU. Chloe gets out of the car while Jack goes back to the driver's seat.

Jack: Well, here we are. Enjoy your first day of school!

Chloe: This isn't a school, this is…

Jack: Sparta?

Chloe: CTU! You don't know me at all. You don't anything about me at all! Are you even paying attention to me?

Jack: (eating a cheeseburger) Hm? Oh yeah! Nice cannonball! Let's hope you make the cheerleading team this year. Remember, fix your face! I've pick you up later!

With that, Jack drove away and, while doing this, he ran over Milo. Jack stops the car and looks behind him to see what he hit.

Jack: (shrugs) No one important. (drives away)

**8:59:57**

**8:59:58**

**8:59:59**

**9:00:00**

Next time on 24:

Milo and Jack are on a bus.

Jack: I love you, Milo.

Milo: I love you too. But if you want me, you have to defeat my seven evil exes.

Jack: Say what?

Then:

Logan: Cheney, why the Hell did you bring Saddam back to life?

Saddam: (laughs) Relax, guy. I'm… the new guy. (gives Cheney and Logan the evil eye)

Logan: Whoa. You're hired.

Finally:

Chloe: I want my phone call.

Mr. Smith: What good is a phone call if you're unable to speak?

Chloe tries to speak but her mouth disappears while Smith grabs her.

Mr. Smith: This won't hurt a bit.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a DVD: From Justin to Kelly. Chloe starts to cry while the movie starts.

**That's next on 24. **


	2. Chapter 2

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY CHARACTERS FROM 24! PLEASE ENJOY THIS STORY!

**Previously on 24:**

Chloe: I didn't put any clothes in this bag! It's not even my bag, it was a friend's.

Store Manager: Well, I'm sorry but you'll have to come with me to figure this out…

Chloe: (angry) NO! I don't want to.

The door opens and it is Jack Bauer, wearing a trucker hat, laughing. Chloe laughs too.

Chloe: OH MY GOD! NO! NO! NO! I DIDN'T!

Jack: Hell, yeah, you did! You've just been Punk'd!

Flash to another room.

Jack: (laughing) I CAN'T BELIEVE WE FINALLY PUNK'D CHLOE! OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST PUNK'D EVER!

Then:

Saddam, Cheney and Logan are in a car. Cheney and Logan are in the front seat while Saddam is in the back.

Saddam: Knock knock.

Cheney: No. No. No! No! No! NO! NO! HELL NO! UH-UH! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! HELLL N-NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! FORGET IT! NO!

Logan: Who's there?

And then

Mother: There's something that you don't know. You're a wizard, Harry.

Son: I'm a what?

Finally…

Mother: There's something you should know about me…I'm dating someone else while I'm married to your father.

Fred: Does Scottie know about this?

Mother: Scottie doesn't know.

Fred: (laughing) Scottie doesn't know? SCOTTIE DOESN'T KNOW!

A curtain is pulled behind Fred and there is a band playing.

Fred and the band: SCOTTIE DOESN'T KNOW! SCOTTIE DOESN'T KNOW! SCOTTIE DOESN'T KNOW! SCOTTIE DOESN'T KNOW! SCOTTIE DOESN'T KNOW!

_**The following takes place between 9:00 am to 10:00 am. **_

**9:00 am**

At CTU. Chloe comes into the building and walks to her desk.

Chloe: Okay, Chloe. Today is your day. I'm just a small town girl living a lonely world.

Bill comes to her desk.

Bill: What's up, Chloe? Are you ready to fight those pesky termites called terrorists?

Chloe: I guess…

Bill: Wonderful! We have a big problem today. The President has called up a press conference and it will start up in a few minutes.

Chloe: Oh, how exciting…

Milo walks in the picture.

Milo: Um, Bill. There is a phone call in your office.

Bill: Oh. I'll be back. Excuse me, will you? (walks away)

Milo goes to his desk and dials Bill's office number on his phone. Bill picks up.

Bill: Hello?

Milo: WAAZZZZAAAUP!

Bill: WAAAAAZZZAAAAAAUP!

Milo: Nothing. Watching the game, having a bud.

Bill: (laughing) That's cool.

Milo: Hey, Chloe! Pick up the phone!

Chloe: (sighs and picks up phone) Hello?

Bill: WAAAAAZZZZZAAAAAAAUP!

Chloe: WAAAAAAAAZZZZZZUUUUPPP!

Milo: !

Bill: (takes out cell phone and calls Jack)

Jack: (still driving on road and picks up the phone) Hello?

Bill: Yes, can you call my office?

Jack: Sure. (hangs up phone) Idiot. (dials Bill's office number and Bill picks up) Hello?

Bill: WAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUPPPPP!

Jack: !

Chloe: WAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAA….

Milo: WAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZAAAAAAA…

Bill: WAZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAA…..

Jack: WAAAAAAAZZZZAAAAAAAAA…..

Chloe: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…..

Milo: AAAAAAAAAAAA…..

Bill: AAAAAAAAAUUUUPP!

Jack: AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUPP!

Chloe: AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUPPP!

Milo: AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUPPPP!

Jack and Chloe hang up, leaving on Bill and Milo, laughing.

Milo: So, what's up?

Bill: Watching the game, having a Bud.

Milo: That's cool.

**9:07 am**

At the White House, Logan is shocked to see Saddam Hussein.

Logan: WHAT THE HELL, CHENEY!

Cheney: That's where he's from, don't wear it out.

Logan: I thought you would get someone evil, NOT OUT OF HIS DAMN MIND!

Saddam: Hey, relax fella. I'm sure this will all work out.

Logan: Why the Hell is he talking like a retard? Fella? Guy? What part of Hell did you get him from?

Cheney: (zips up pants) You don't want to know.

Saddam: (sits down) Now, let's see here, buddy. You want my help to find a bomb, right. Well, I should tell ya, I don't tell anyone where I put them. I'm sure you'll understand after the big misunderstanding back in 2001.

Logan: Thousands of people died that day!

Saddam: Relax fella. I'm just jerking your chain. Get it, Cheney? It's because I was jerking your chain on our way…

Cheney: This is about the President's problem.

Saddam: Let me guess, someone stole something important from you.

Logan: Yes, they were dear friends of mine. (tears fall off his face)

Saddam: Aw, don't cry, guy. I'll figure out where your friends are or my name is SADDAM HUSSEIN!

Logan: More like 'so damn insane'.

Saddam: Now, my associate will sketch your little friends based on your description. Minion, GET IN HERE!

Someone comes in the room with a sketchbook and sits down: It was Heath Ledger.

Saddam: Now, I want you to tell the Australian what your friends look like.

Logan: Okay. He is small, round…none of those damn corners on them. Some of them have chocolate chunks and some have nothing on them.

Saddam: Oh! I know who it is! Is it that singer Seal and his wife, Heidi Klum!

Cheney: Not even close.

Saddam: (looks at Heath, who is finished sketching) Well, who is it?

Heath shows them the drawing: Cookies.

Saddam: Alright, I'll help you find them. Only on one condition.

Logan: What's that?

Saddam: Because of the pain people have cost me during my last days, everyone will now have to share my pain. You have to make everyone watch the first two seasons of Two and a Half Men.

Logan: YOU'RE INSANE! YOU'RE A MADMAN! YOU'RE…YOU'RE… you're hired.

Cheney: (shocked) Mr. President, are YOU insane?

Logan: Someone stole the cookies out of the cookie jar and I won't rest until I find them. Now, everybody out! I have to take my morning nap.

Cheney: But Mr. Nixon, you have a press conference in a few moments.

Logan: Oh right. Everybody stay here while I take a nap at the press conference.

**9:16 am**

Jack is listening to the radio in his car.

Jack: (singing) Baby, I'm craaaaazay. Baby, we're craaaaazzzzay. Baby, we're craaaazzzaaay. (his cell phone is ringing) Hello?

Morris: (sounds drunk) Bauer. I need you to… (throwing up is heard) pick me up.

Jack: Dammit, how does everyone know my number?

Morris: Please? I llllooooooovvvve you.

Jack: (blushes) Well, love is a strong word. Where are you?

Jack hits someone with his car. Shocked, he gets out of his car.

Jack: Oh God. No, no, no, no, no. I'm so going to get a DUI for this.

Jack goes to see who he hit.

Jack: Morris? Are you okay?

Morris: Yeah, I'm fine. I just need a ride to work.

Jack: (helps Morris to backseat) You're going to be fine. (goes to driver's seat and turns on a hidden camera)

Woman Voiceover: Welcome to Taxicab Confessions.

Jack: So, how was your night?

Morris: (slurred speech) Big talker, isn't ya?

Jack: I just like conversations.

Morris: Well, it looks like we've got another Kathy Griffin on our hands, don't we? Perfect, another kind we don't need.

Jack: I guess you can say I'm more of a Joan Rivers.

Morris: An ugly know-it-all who has more plastic surgeries to make Michael Jackson look normal. We need more of those.

Jack: Well, why are you here?

Morris: My wife, Chloe, kicked me out of the house over the night. Apparently, I have a drinking problem. I don't see any proof to…

Morris opens up a window and throws up outside. A driver in another car complains.

Driver: GET A JOB!

Morris: YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME, YOU (censored) (censored) I will kick your (censored) up your mother's (censored) from here!

Driver: (censored) prune. (drives away)

Morris: YEAH! YOU BETTER RUN! (turns back to Jack) Anyhoooo. I have no problems with alcohol.

Jack: You must have a lot of problems.

Morris: (giggles) Well, I'm no Charlie Sheen. And another thing… hey, wait a minute… IS THAT A CAMERA!

Jack: Uh, no? Anyways, we're here at CTU…

Morris: I'M BEING RECORDED! (goes up to front seat) GIVE ME THAT!

Jack: I wouldn't touch that if I were you…

Morris: Oh, yeah? What are you going to do about it, chicken?

Jack: (turns his head slowly at Morris; angry looking) Don't ever call me chicken.

Morris: (making chicken noises) You are a chicken, you yellowbelly!

Jack: You don't like me when I'm angry….

**9:25 am**

At CTU. Bill is pacing around looking at the big screen television in his room. Chloe and Milo are with him.

Bill: This press conference can make or break us.

Chloe: Sir, this doesn't really affect us…

Bill: Who cares? Milo here is supposed to be dead. AND WHERE THE HELL IS MORRIS?

Morris smashes through a window and falls on the floor. No one is surprised. Morris gets up.

Morris: Sorry I'm late.

Bill: Well, Morris. Since, you've been late for the eighty-second time this week, you know what that means?

Morris: (shrugs his shoulders) I don't know.

Suddenly, green slime comes from the ceiling, covering Morris. Everybody starts laughing.

Bill: (chuckling) Don't worry. You're not late, Barbie! We're just getting started!

Morris: (surprised) Oh, I love you, Ken! (kisses Bill on the cheek)

Milo and Chloe look at each other in confusion.

Milo: Let's just watch the conference in another room.

Chloe and Milo go into another room while Bill and Morris are in a tableau, with Bill smiling and Morris kissing his cheek.

**9:32 am**

The mother goes into her son's room.

Mother: Honey! You thought I forgot about your birthday! Well, I got your present! All the seasons of Home Improvement! (sees her son on the floor, unresponsive) Oh, come on. The show is actually funny! This is before The Santa Clause 2 and Joe Somebody! Honey! (goes to her son's body) Are you okay? (checks pulse) NNOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (hugs her son's corpse) WHY NOT ME! WHAT COULD HAVE DONE THIS!

The mother looks at the computer and sees a Fred video still playing.

Mother: Fred Tucker Must DIE!

**9:35 am**

Logan is at the press conference. Cheney goes up next to him.

Cheney: What the Hell are you doing?

Logan: I'm here, aren't I? This is the press conference, isn't it?

Cheney: Yes, but you're not supposed to be sitting with the reporters! You're supposed to be at the podium!

Logan: (gets up from seat) Who the Hell made you President?

Cheney: (whispers) I could've been.

Logan: (goes up to podium) Good evening, Afro-Americans! Wait… I mean, good morning, my fellow Americans. I regret to inform you of a national tragedy.

Reporter: Is it that the world has…

Logan: DID I TELL YOU THAT YOU CAN TALK, YOU DAMN HIPPIE? Anyhow, today marks a dark period in the history of America. I… did not have sexual relations with that woman.

The reporters are shocked. For some reason, Charlie Sheen got up.

Charlie: I USED TO LOOK UP TO YOU, YOU BASTERD! (walks out of conference)

Logan: Whoops, wrong script. Oh, here we go. Someone here in America… IS A WITCH! Wait… sorry. Someone here in America… IS A BIG FAT MEANIE THEIF!

The reporters are shocked.

Reporter: What was stolen?

Logan: DAMMIT! I TOLD YOU NOT TO SPEAK, YOU (censored) IDIOT! Now, to answer your question, you (censored) moron, someone stole something very special to me.

Reporter: Watergate?

Logan: (gets out pistol and shoots reporter) SHUT THE (censored) AND DON'T REST IN (censored) PEACE! Someone stole… MY COOKIES!

There is a scream in a background. The reporters start flipping out. Chairs are thrown everywhere. However, Logan is still talking, not realizing that there is a riot. Rocky is screaming.

Rocky: ADRIAN!

Adrian: ROCKY!

Logan: Apollo Creed possibly did it.

Rocky: Adrian! I LOVE YOU!

Adrian: I LOVE YOU TOO!

**9:41 am**

Fred is watching the press conference go awry. He laughs.

Fred: Excellent.

Mr. Burns: You have to pay me for saying that. It's copyrighted.

Fred: (turns to Mr. Burns) Boo.

Mr. Burns: (has a heart attack) Gloria, I'm coming! (falls and dies)

Mom: (comes in the room) Fred. What have I told you about scaring your father?

Fred: (angry) HE ISN'T MY FATHER! WE'RE CARTOONS AND HE'S LIVE ACTION!

Mom: Honey, I think you have that the other way around.

Fred: YOU DON'T KNOW ME! I'M FINALLY ABOUT TO GET GLOBAL DOMINATION AND YOU'RE GOING TO RUIN IT BY TELLING ME WHO MY FATHER IS! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

As Fred is choking his mother, the front door opens. A figure comes in: The kid's mother. Fred looks at her and stops choking his mother.

Fred: Who the Hell are you?

Kid's mother: You know who I am! I'm a dude, playing a dude, disguised as another dude!

Fred's mother: (confused) What?

Kid's mother: We live next door to you. Your videos killed my son.

Fred: Excellent. I've killed thousands of people because of my videos. Soon, I'll be the best entertainer on YouTube!

Kid's mother: You won't get away with this. I've already called the police!

Fred: Yeah, right. Like the police will arrest me…

Suddenly, police sirens are heard from streets away.

Fred: Oh snap! (runs away)

Kid's mother: (goes outside and sees seven police cruisers) He's in the house! I don't know where…

Suddenly, a White Bronco smashes through the garage. Fred is riding the car and speeds away with the police cars. One police car calls for back-up and a police helicopter is seen flying along the way of the chase.

Kid's mother: For the love of God, catch that kid.

**9:50 am**

Back at CTU. Morris, Chloe, Bill and Milo have finished watching the press conference.

Bill: Well, gang, it seems this problem is bigger than all of us put together.

Milo: (panics) ZOINKS! WHAT DO WE DO? WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO DO!

Chloe: Am I the only one who finds this 'pandemic' a bit overhyped? I mean, they're only cookies.

Milo: (slaps Chloe) CALM THE HELL DOWN! GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, WOMAN! AAAAAHHHH!

Bill: (pats Milo on the back) Don't worry, Milo. I'll take it from here. (Milo stands aside) ALRIGHT, CHLOE! IT'S GOING TO BE ALRIGHT! (slaps Chloe)

Morris: (goes up to Bill) Bill, you're wanted on the phone. (Bill slaps Chloe once more and goes out the room) CALM DOWN! (gets out a pistol and whips her with it) EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT! EVERY LITTLE THING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT!

Behind Morris, there is a line of people waiting to slap Chloe into calmness. There is Barry Bonds, Saddam Hussein, Chris Brown, Charlie Sheen, Ronald McDonald, Jesus Christ and the Kool-Aid Guy.

**9:55 am**

Jack is STILL driving his car while he is calling Bill.

Jack: I'm guessing you heard about what happened at the press conference.

Bill: I watched it and I thought Halle Barry went crazy during her acceptance speech at the Oscars. Boy, I haven't seen that much chaos since the BET Awards.

Jack: Anything I can do to help?

Bill: Well, yes. We need you to…

Jack: Anything at all. You name it.

Bill: We need you to find those cookies!

Jack: ANYTHING at all! You name it.

Bill: They've kidnapped your daughter.

Jack: I'll find those cookies for America.

Bill: You know your daughter isn't actually missing.

Jack hangs up the phone.

**9:57 am**

All the scenes are in spilt screen boxes. The kid's mother is mourning her son, burying his body in the pet cemetery. Fred is driving his White Bronco on the highway, still being chased by the cops. CTU is still slapping Chloe. Jack is STILL driving.

At CTU.

Morris is going through the TV channels.

Morris: Guys! You may want to see this!

Milo, Chloe and Bill look at the TV and see a White Bronco being chased by several police cars. The scene is seen from the view of a helicopter.

Reporter: If you're just joining us, the Internet phenomenon, Fred, has been linked to thousands of deaths by video. Currently, he is being chased down a long and lonely road and is making his way down Broken Dreams Boulevard. Fred has put a gun to his head, threatening to blow himself away if the cops don't stay back.

Morris: Aw, I love that kid.

Reporter: And now, Fred is calling one of the cops! Here is the call.

Fred: HEY EVERYBODY! IT'S FRED! TODAY IS A SPECIAL DAY! I'M MEETING A NEW FRIEND! HIS NAME IS JESUS CHRIST! YOU GUYS KNOW HOW FUNNY I AM! GUESS HOW FUNNY MY DEATH WILL BE! DON'T I SOUND LIKE A CHIMPMUNK! AREN'T I ADORABLE? HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Reporter: Very disturbing. Oh wait! This just in! Fred is getting off the highway! He's driving really fast and…HE'S SMASHED HIS CAR! The driver's seat is open! Is it Fred running away? No, it's Tiger Woods! Wait! The passenger's door is opening!

Chloe: Get that son of a bitch!

Reporter: The police are closing in and… THEY'VE GOT HIM! THEY'VE GOT THE MOST ANNOYING THING FROM THE INTERNET SINCE CRAZY FROG!

Chloe: The world is safe for now!

Milo: Yes it is. The problem is how long will it be safe?

Chloe: For now.

Milo: I know but for how long?

Chloe: You're an idiot.

Morris: Yes but for how long?

Chloe: When you stop drinking.

Morris: Oh, so never. (drinks alcoholic beer that is labeled Coke)

**9:59:57**

**9:59:58**

**9:59:59**

**10:00:00**

Next time on 24

Jack: Doc, I have to tell you something about the future!

Doc: What?

Jack: I have to tell you something about the future!

Doc: What?

Jack: I SAID I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT THE FUTURE!

Doc: WHAT?

Jack: Screw this! (shoots Doc)

Then…

Howie Mandel: So, Chloe. Deal or no deal?

Chloe: Um, can I use a lifeline?

Howie: Are you (censored) kidding me?

After…

Michael: I'm going to help you break out of here. All I have to do is follow the tattoos.

Morris: Ooooooh! Connect the dots!

Michael: Are you drunk?

Morris: No. (throws up) Maybe.

Finally…

Cheney and Logan are on a boat.

Logan: I'M KING OF THE WORLD!

Cheney: I'M KING OF THE OTHER WORLD!

Saddam comes in.

Saddam: Really? Do we need another parody of this movie? Where is my gun? James Cameron is going to have my foot so shoved up my….

**That's next on 24.**


	3. Chapter 3

DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN ANY 24 CHARACTERS! SO PLEASE ENJOY!

**Previously on 24…**

Jack is on a bus, which is at high speed. He answers his cell phone.

Jack: Give me good news, Harry!

Dennis Hopper: Sorry, Jack. He failed! He's no longer in this world!

Jack: You son of a…

Then…

Logan: We are living in dark times in America and…I am Iron Man.

The reporters are flabbergasted.

After…

O-Ren Ishii: Do didn't think it would be that easy, did you?

Chloe: For a minute….yeah, I did.

Finally…

Saddam is hiding in his little hole in the ground when the doorbell rings. He goes to answer it and finds it is Cheney.

Cheney: You stole my story.

Saddam: Aw, relax, buddy! You seem stressed, come in…

Cheney: I want credit for the story you stole from me.

Saddam: Oh, like that will happen. See you later, friend. (closes door)

_**The following takes place between 10:00am to 11:00am.**_

Narrator: This is the story of a family who lost everything and the one son who tried to put everything together. This is Arrested Develop…. I mean 24.

**10:00 am**

At CTU, Chloe, Bill, Milo and Morris are discussing their next move.

Morris: (sad) I can't believe that my favorite actor of all time is a bad guy!

Chloe: I figured that he was because of all those annoying videos that he does. I'm not surprised anyone actually survived watching them.

Bill: PEOPLE! We need to find out about the stolen President's cookies! That is more of an emergency!

Chloe: That just seems like a waste of time. They're only cookies.

Milo: Okay, little bitch. Why don't you go sit in the corner, you need a time out.

Chloe: Oh dear God, you can't be serious.

Bill: You heard the woman, to the corner with you!

Chloe goes to a corner but sneaks a juice box from the table.

Chloe: (sulking) This is the worst birthday/Valentine's day ever!

**10:04 am**

Audrey is in her car riding on her way to work. Suddenly, someone of the street is calling for her.

Person: Taxi!

Audrey: (shakes her head) No! This isn't a taxi.

Person: (goes into the car) Thanks a lot.

Audrey: Are you deaf? This is NOT a taxi!

Person: I'll give you $500. (flashes money)

Audrey: (takes money) What's your name and where have you been my whole life?

Person: My name is Vincent and I've been to several countries to "see" people.

Audrey: Hm, those quotation around the word _see_ is a little suspicious but I have $500, so whatever!

Vincent: I need to make five stops.

Audrey: Whatever you say, money man!

Vincent: Aren't you the least bit curious about what I do?

Audrey: I love your money too, Mr. Monopoly Guy!

**10:08 am**

Fred is in a dark holding room with his hands tied up. He is sitting at a metal desk. Suddenly, the door opens and in comes Commissioner Gordon.

Fred: Good evening, Commissioner.

Gordon: (sits in a chair across of Fred) The mother's son died today.

Fred: Oh that's so tragic.

Gordon: What did you do to him?

Fred: (surprised) Me? I was right here! (shows Gordon his tied hands) Who did YOU leave him with? _Your _people? If they still are _your_ people.

Gordon: What the Hell are you talking about? No people of mine were involved! Now, another question: How the Hell do you kill people through their videos?

Fred: What's the time?

Gordon: Why is that important?

Fred: Because depending on the time, those people can be in one place or several!

Gordon: (unties Fred) You know what? If you want to play games, we'll play games. (heads to the door)

Fred: Ah, the good cop/bad cop routine?

Gordon: Not exactly. (goes out of the room)

Suddenly, the lights turn on and Fred's eyes are blinded. His head is suddenly forced on the desk, Fred's head hurting. He looked behind him and sees Jack Bauer.

Fred: Never go for the head. The victim's mind gets all fuzzy and that doesn't… (his left hand is pounded by Jack) See?

Jack: (sits down) You wanted me? Here I am!

Fred: (confused) I didn't really ask for you. Actually, I didn't ask for anyone.

Jack: Oh, okay. Usually, bad guys usually ask for me whenever they're arrested.

Fred: That's understandable. I've seen what you can do, you didn't disappoint.

Jack: (confused) How the Hell do you see what I can do?

Fred: I watched the first three seasons of 24.

Jack: (calms down) Oh. Well, watch the fourth season.

Fred: Will do. Anyways, you let thousands of people die! Then, you were in that cartoon movie where there were a bunch of _monsters_ and _aliens_ fighting each other and the _monsters_ were good and the _aliens _were evil but you were with the side of the _monsters_ who were trying to defeat the _aliens_ and the _aliens _tried to take away one of the _monsters_ to take back what was his and the other _monsters_ tried to take her back from the other _aliens_. I think it was called "Dodge ball: A True Underdog Story". Even for a guy like me that's cold.

Jack: SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

Fred: You're not one of those cops. You're just a pawn, just a bad joke. You're a freak like me. I'm not a monster. I'm just ahead of the curb.

Jack flips out and picks up Fred. He throws the YouTube guy across the wall. Jack puts a chair under the doorknob when Gordon tries to open the door.

Gordon: It's not worth it!

Jack throws Fred on the table.

Fred: Ooooo, you're good! Is this foreplay?

Jack throws Fred against the wall and starts punching Fred in the face, constantly.

Jack: HOW THE HELL DO YOU KILL PEOPLE?

Fred: (laughing) It's a matter of being good and being a vagina! The latter which you are!

Jack: (punches Fred again) HOW THE HELL DO YOU KILL PEOPLE!

Fred: I can't tell you! It's a little nuts for your…

Jack: (picks up Fred and lifts him up against the wall) You're going to tell me how you kill everyone! I'M NOT PLAYING GAMES!

Fred: You have to follow my directions if you want to save them.

Jack: Them?

Fred: You know, Them Crooked Vultures? No, I'm just kidding. But, you know, America is in a huge crisis and it's too bad about the President.

Jack: What?

Fred: America is going down because of those cookies. How he threw himself for them! (laughing)

Jack throws Fred against the wall and picks him up again.

Jack: DAMMIT! WHERE ARE THOSE COOKIES?

Fred: I know people. They're all over TV! I'm never going to tell you who.

Jack: (drops Fred and walks away) Dammit, this is bigger than we thought.

Fred: And now, Mr. Bauer. Goodbye.

Jack turns around and sees Fred grabs a pistol out of his pocket. He puts the pistol against his own head.

Jack: (deadpan) No, stop. What will we do without you?

Fred pulls the trigger and his body is jerked forward, slumping on the floor. There is a bullet wound in his head, blood oozing on the floor. Jack calls his cell phone.

**10:17 am**

At CTU, Bill's office phone rings. Bill picks up.

Bill: CTU, the place where we stop those pesky termites called terrorists. How may we serve you?

Jack: Bill? There's something you should know about Fred. The deaths he caused were just a diversion! He caused those deaths in order to cover the person who stole the President's cookies!

Bill: Jack, this is bigger than we suspected.

Jack: He says that someone on TV is connected to the missing objects.

Bill: Did you get HOW Fred killed people through the Internet?

Jack: I didn't get to ask, Bill, Fred is dead.

Bill: Okay, now give me the bad news.

Jack: (pause) That was the bad news.

Bill: Well, than. What should we do?

Jack: Tell Morris.

Bill: Jack, I don't think he can handle it.

Jack: He needs to know…

Morris comes in the room.

Morris: Tell me what, darling?

Bill: You might want to take a seat. This is some pretty heavy stuff.

Morris: (tries to sit in a chair but he falls down) I'm pretty drunk, Sir.

Bill: Morris… Fred…. Is dead.

Morris: (crying) WHY? WHY COULDN'T YOU TAKE ME INSTEAD?

Bill: There's something else you should know.

Morris: What? Worse news?

Jack Bauer suddenly comes in the door.

Jack: MORRIS! YOU'VE JUST BEEN PUNK'D! OH SNAP!

Morris: (laughing) OH MY GOD! NO WAY!

Jack: EVERYBODY GET IN HERE!

Jack, Chloe, Milo and Fred come in the room.

Chloe: How does it feel to be punk'd?

Morris: OH MY GOD IT IS SUCH A RELIEF! OH SWEET GOD!

Flash to another room. Jack is wearing a trucker hat.

Jack: WE TOTALLY PUNK'D MORRIS! IT WAS HILARIOUS! OKAY! OKAY! SHAM-WOW! SHAM-WOW! WHO ARE WE GOING TO PUNK NEXT? STAY TUNED! OR YOU'LL BE PUNK'D!

Bill: Morris? Morris? Wake up!

Morris: (wakes up and sees that he is in Bill's office) Aw, crap.

Bill: Fred is dead. How are you taking it?

Morris: I was happy, then I was angry, skip sad, now I want to kick his ass. (points at Dave Buznik)

Dave: What? I didn't do anything?

Morris: (angry; goes up to Dave) I'm going to so kick your ass.

Buddy Rydell: (goes up beside Dave) Now, Morris. Do you want to go back to the State Penitentiary for this? So he was laughing at you.

Dave: I wasn't laughing at him!

Bill: MORRIS!

Morris: (getting ready to punch Dave) I'M NOT HEARING YOU!

Bill: Punisher! Control!

Morris: (calms down and takes a seat)

Bill: We'll be right back to UH OH! The Game Show!

The audience, who are kids, applaud.

**10:25 am**

At the White House, Saddam joins Cheney and Logan in the Oral Office.

Saddam: WAAAZZZZZZAAAAAA….

Logan: Horrible, Saddam. They ate me alive out there.

Saddam: Relax, fellah! There's nothing wrong with a little bit of panic across the world. That's why my country won the war!

Cheney: I thought they lost the war, found you and had you executed.

Saddam: Exactly! They won the battle but my country won the war! See? I'm back, stronger, better and more eviler than ever!

Logan: For one thing, eviler isn't a word…

Saddam: Don't worry, friend! I'll make sure the people who make those dictionaries get a hold of that word.

Logan: For another, how I'm I going to find those cookies? I'm scared and all alone.

Cheney: Don't worry Mr. President, you've still got me.

Logan: Like I said, I'm scared and all alone!

Saddam: Don't worry, buddy, be happy!

Logan's cell phone starts to ring. He goes out of the room and answers it.

Logan: Hello?

Voice: If you want to know where your cookies are, you shall meet me in the basement.

Logan: But we don't have a basement.

Voice: (calls out to someone) See? I told you the White House didn't have a basement. (hangs up)

Logan puts away his cell phone but it rings again.

Logan: Hello?

Voice: Meet me at the Washington Department Store basement in a few minutes. Bring no one.

Logan: (whines) Can I please bring one friend?

Voice: No! (hangs up)

Logan: (puts away cell phone) Then he's not allowed to come to my tea party with Mr. Rabbit and Mr. Pooh Bear.

**10:31 am**

Audrey is driving Vincent to his first stop. Finally, they stop at a building. Vincent gets out of the car.

Vincent: I'll be right back. (goes into building)

Audrey: Wow! $500! That is more than what CTU pays me in five hours. It was always my dream to work as a taxicab driver.

She takes out a sandwich and takes a bite when a man's body lands on her car. Audrey panics and gets out of her car.

Audrey: WHAT THE HELL? OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! (sees Vincent) There's a body on my car and…and…WHAT THE HELL!

Vincent: Okay, look, just calm down…

Audrey: WHAT DO YOU MEAN CALM DOWN? THERE'S A DEAD BODY! WHY?

Vincent: Because I killed him.

Audrey: (looks at Vincent) You did this? Oh God.

Vincent: Now calm down, Max…

Audrey: What?

Vincent: AUDREY! I MEANT AUDREY! Just calm down, please.

Audrey: You're using me to kill people! I thought we were soul mates!

Vincent: I need a ride. Get back in the car.

Audrey: To help you kill people? Take the car, please!

Vincent: You want me to take the car?

Audrey: YES! I won't tell anybody what you're doing. Just… just, please let me go.

Vincent: Get back in the car.

Audrey: (goes back in the driver's seat) Geez, drama queen.

Vincent: I'm full of drama? You're the one who was crying to let you go!

Audrey: Oh, bitch bitch bitch.

**10:37 am**

Jack is in his car, calling his cell phone.

Jack: Chloe, it me.

Chloe: Jack, where are you?

Jack: I'm going to try to look for the Ice Truck Killer.

Chloe: What?

Jack: I mean the cookie stealer. It's someone who we know on television.

Chloe: I'll check who has the most credibility to doing such a pointless crime. If you can even call it a crime.

Jack: Dammit, Chloe. This crime goes beyond national security itself. You and your tight face should understand that.

Chloe: They're just cookies!

Jack: If you weren't the most trusting person I'd ever known I would kill you.

Chloe: Jesus Christ! They're only cookies!

Jack: Get back to work! (hangs up) She's not allowed at any of my parties. There's going to be cake!

Jack is about to start the car when he is hit in the back of the head, knocking him out. The figure drags him out the car and into another, putting the unconscious Jack in the backseat. The figure starts the car and drives away.

**10:40 am**

Chloe goes to Milo, Morris and Bill.

Chloe: I've tried to call Jack again but he's not picking up.

Milo: You called him before?

Chloe: Yeah but he hung up.

Morris: Why'd he hang up?

Bill: BECAUSE SHE SAID THE PRESDIENT'S COOKIES BEING STOLEN WAS A POINTLESS CRIME!

Morris: You basterd!

Chloe: How the Hell did you hear my conversation? I was outside!

Bill: Never you mind that!

Producer: (goes up to Bill; whispering) That will be $5.

Bill: (gives him $10) I'm going to need you later.

Producer: Whatever you need. (walks away)

Bill: Now people! This national tragedy, and crime, has torn this nation apart!

Chloe: It's only been three hours and this is a tragedy now?

Bill: Ignore the woman who looks like she has more plastic surgeries than Kim Basinger. This crime has become bigger than we expected! We need to answer the question: Who stole those cookies?

Morris: (raises his hands) Ooooh, oooooh! I know! Teacher! Pick me! Please! Pick me! Pick me! Teacher! Teacher! Teacher! Please? Pick me!

Bill: What do you think, Milo?

Morris: (censored) YOU! (walks to corner and cries)

Milo: Well, we should look at the people on TV who have the most credibility to this crime.

Chloe: WHAT THE HELL! I CAME UP WITH THAT IDEA! HOW THE HELL DID YOU HEAR ME?

Milo: (shrugs his shoulders) I guess I'm a mind reader.

Producer: (goes up to Milo) A-hem.

Milo: (gives him $10) I'm going to need you later.

Chloe: (looks at Producer) Who the heck are you?

Producer: I'm… the new guy. (gives her the 'crazy eye')

Chloe is shocked and runs through a window. Morris stops crying, goes to Producer and gives him $10.

Morris: I'm going to need you later.

**10:45 am**

Logan is in the Washington Department Store basement, which is actually a car lot underground. He is walking around when he sees a figure in a bright light, wearing a trench coat and a fedora, covering the face. Logan goes up to the figure.

Logan: Are you the one who called me?

Figure: Yes, I am.

Logan: What should I call you?

Figure: Deep Throat.

Logan: Are you f^&*ing serious? Oh God! Everyone is f^&*ing Deep Throat! What the F-! I know the real Deep Throat and he wouldn't like what you people are doing to his name!

Deep Throat: Do you want to know who stole your cookies?

Logan: (on his knees, begging) Yes! Please!

Deep Throat: (goes up to Logan) Alright. I'll tell you. (whispers into his ear)

Logan: Dear God.

Deep Throat: Now, I have another surprise for you.

Logan: (jumps up with joy) A birthday party for me? Well, you shouldn't have.

Deep Throat: That's right! Come here and give me a hug!

Logan hugs Deep Throat. In the middle of the hug, DT pulls out a knife and stabs Logan.

Logan: (falls on ground) But I added you to my Top 5 on my cell phone!

Deep Throat: Goodbye, Mr. Powers! (walks away)

Logan is losing blood and falls on his back. He utters his last words.

Logan: I… am not a crook.

He passes out after holding two peace signs with his fingers.

**10:51 am**

Audrey is still driving the car for Vincent.

Vincent: So, if you could pick between Heath Ledger and Carson Daly, who would you choose?

Audrey: (crying) I'm not really comfortable doing this.

Vincent: Is it because I kill people?

Audrey: No, it's because you keep putting Carson Daly as one of the names. It's really disturbing considering I hate him with a passion. Hell, I'd pick Eddie Murphy over him and HE made that abortion of a movie, Norbit.

Vincent: What's wrong with Carson Daly?

Audrey: Why do people keep asking me that question? Am I the ONLY one in the entire world who sees Carson Daly as a giant turd? Couldn't you kill him instead? And while you're at it, could you get rid of Stephen Baldwin?

Vincent: I could definitely kill Stephen but not Carson. Oh boy! (looks at his cell phone) Carson is twittering something!

Audrey: God, kill me now.

Vincent: (giggles) Oh my God! He's playing guitar with Dave Navarro! AWESOME!

Audrey: (rolls her eyes) Such an overrated guitarist. Oh, sleep with ONE hottie and you're suddenly the most amazing guitar player ever! What could be any worse!

Vincent: OH MY GOD! THE VIEW IS ON! Hey, do you want to pull over and watch it with me? It's… Audrey?

Audrey has gotten out of the car and the car is still moving, driving off a cliff, and landing on dynamite, exploding the car and Vincent.

Audrey: Finally! And I still have my $500.

Audrey checks her pocket before realizing that the money was in the car.

Audrey: NNNNOOOOOOOOO!

**10:55 am**

All the scenes are in spilt screen. Logan is bleeding severely while people walk past him; one person even starts kicking him. The people at CTU are watching Rosanne, wondering if someone from the show is a threat after being involved in such a show. Audrey is still screaming to the sky when a car hits her, Scary Movie-style. Cheney and Saddam are playing Clue.

Jack is beginning to wake up and sees that he is in a dark room. He is tied up in a chair. Jack tried to break free but he can't. Suddenly, lights turn on and Jack's eyes are trying to adjust to the bright light.

Jack: You're making a big mistake! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!

Figure: Gawsh. I thought everyone knew who I was. AK-YA! (he begins to walk to Jack but he trips on a bucket and smashes into a wall)

Jack: That voice sounds familiar.

Figure: (gets up) It should.

Jack's eyes readjust and he sees who his captor was.

Jack: No! It can't be! GOOFY?

Goofy: AK-YA! GAWSH! YOU DO KNOW ME! AND YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT! (pulls his pants down)

Jack: Oh sweet Lord in Heaven.

In Heaven.

Jesus: Dad, should we help him?

God: Nope, we'll just have to let him suffer.

Back to Earth.

Jack: Goddamit.

Heaven.

God: He is soooooo going to Hell.

**10:59:57**

**10:59:58**

**10:59:59**

**11:00:00**

Next time on 24.

Jack is on a wild bull.

Jack: HI, MY NAME IS JACK BAUER AND WELCOME TO JACKASS!

The bull runs with Jack on its back but Jack falls off of it.

Then…

Morris: And then I said, "Me so horny".

Milo: Wait a second, answer me this: Are you a virgin?

Morris: Pffft, no!

Bill: OH MY GOD! YOU TOTALLY ARE A VIRGIN!

Morris: NO! I'M NOT LEAVE ME ALONE!

Finally…

Peter: OH NO!

Meg: OH NO!

Chris: OH NO!

Lois: OH NO!

Audrey: (smashes through a wall) OH YEAH!

Everyone stares at Audrey.

Audrey: The other guy's sick.

Judge Reinhold: Get the fuck out of this court.

Audrey: Yeah, I got that. (walks out)

**That's next on 24.**


	4. Chapter 4

DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN ANY 24 CHARACTERS! PLEASE ENJOY OR READ SOMETHING ELSE!

**Previously on 24…**

Jack, Bill, Milo and Morris are in Jack's front yard, drinking beer.

Jack: Yep.

Bill: Yep.

Milo: Mm-hmm.

Morris: Yep.

Then…

Saddam and Cheney are in a gym.

Saddam: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball. (throws a wrench)

Cheney: HA HA! You missed!

Saddam: If you can dodge a nuclear bomb, you can dodge a wrench. (runs out of gym)

Cheney: What? (looks up and sees bomb fall from sky) I knew I should've switched to Geico.

After…

Bill Cosby: Hello, my son! Who's your new friend?

Theo Huxtable: This is Chloe O'Brian. (shows his father Chloe)

Bill: Very nice to meet you! Do you have an occupation?

Chloe: (smiles) I'm Theo's girlfriend!

Bill: (takes out a shotgun and sets it on a table) I'm going to give you a three second head start….

Then…

Logan is the last person in the world. He walks around to see a mannequin wearing clothes across the street. Logan takes out his semi-automatic pistol.

Logan: FRED! FRED! WHAT THE-HELL ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE! THAT IS- NO! HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET OUT HERE, FRED? ANSWER ME! ARE YOU ALIVE! ARE YOU DEAD? IF I WERE ANY ACTOR, WHO WOULD I BE? DAMMIT, FRED!

Finally…

Audrey is driving her car with Vincent in the backseat and he is talking.

Vincent: And he was like, NO! And I was like, YES! And he was like, you're cute. And I'm, like, totally blushing and I'm totally, like, giggling! Oprah! I think I love him! HE'S IS THE GREATEST HUMAN BEING IN THE WHOLE WORLD!

Vincent is jumping up and down the seats while Audrey is looking up in the sky.

Audrey: Are you there, God? It's me, Audrey. Can you make sure you kill this idiot? And while you're at it, make Heath Ledger suffer. Don't kill him, just make him suffer the same way he did when I watched that movie where he was pretending to be a _knight_ because another _knight_ couldn't make it to some sort of _knight_ event and his two friends train him to become a _knight_ and train him to beat other _knights_ and becomes this amazing _knight_ until he has to prove himself in this _tale of a knight_ to a last and final _knight _in order to close this _tale of a knight_ to an end. I think it was called The Godfather. Anyway, please help me?

Vincent: Audrey! If this car goes under 50 mph, we're all gonna die!

Audrey rolls out of the car, which slows down and explodes.

Audrey: (looks to the sky) NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (gets hit by a car)

_**The following takes place between 11:00 am to 12:00 pm.**_

**11:00 am **

Cheney and Saddam are waiting in the office for Logan.

Cheney: Where could he be? We've been waiting for hours!

Saddam: Hey, relax, buddy! He's probably at home, watching Scrubs.

Cheney: If he is, we are doomed.

Saddam: Come on, fellah. It's better than watching that than any show on Fox.

Cheney: My God, it's the end of the world if the only thing we have to watch is Scrubs.

Saddam: Would you rather watch Grey's Anatomy?

Cheney: I guess you're right. (looks at Saddam's shirt) By the way, why does your shirt say "Pray for Logan"?

Saddam: Come on, buddy! Let's go for ice cream! I'll buy!

Cheney: Saddam, is there anything you're not telling me?

Saddam: (sighs) There is. You see, it all started when I watched that movie about an _elf_ who wasn't really an _elf_ at all and this _elf_ had to leave the North Pole and find his real father and the human _elf _would talk about Santa and all the other _elves_ and the _elf_ ate sugar and other _elf_ stuff and the _elf_ and the whole big city sang a song that powered a sled and the _elf_ was a hero and he was considered an _elf_ by everyone in the _elf_ village called the North Pole. I think that movie was called "Freddy vs. Jason". I decided from the movie that I must become evil.

Cheney: And then?

Saddam: My evilness led me to become leader of a country! Me being leader didn't exactly work out because I was killed, brought back to life and now, worst of all, I'm talking to you about it.

Cheney: And then?

Saddam: And then I realized that if I want to control the White House, I need to bring someone who is a natural born leader… I already got someone in mind…

Cheney: And then?

Saddam: See you later from ice cream! (walks out of the room)

Cheney: And then?

Jack Bauer come out of nowhere and shoots Cheney.

Jack: DIE YOU ALIEN SCUM!

Cheney: (turns to Jack) You're only a figment of my imagination.

Jack turns into Heath Ledger.

Heath: Sorry. I've been in Hell for about two years. It's boring when you've already killed Dennis Hopper and Farrah Fawcet. Well, back to Hell for me!

Heath disappears in a ball of flame and Cheney cries.

Cheney: TAKE ME WITH YOU!

**11:06 am**

Jack is tied up in a chair with Goofy facing him.

Jack: What the Hell do you want from me?

Goofy: Gawsh, you are a rough fella, aren't you? Well, I'm not the one snooping around to find out what's what.

Jack: What's what?

Goofy: Yes, I said what's what.

Jack: In the butt?

Goofy: I said what's what.

Jack: In the butt?

Goofy: I said what's what.

Jack: In the butt?

Goofy: I've had enough of this! (takes out a gun)Tell me where they are.

Jack: I don't know what the f$%^ you are talking about.

Goofy: The snack with dough, the delicious circles, the sweetest thing of them all?

Jack: I STILL don't know what the f$%^ you are talking about.

Goofy: THE COOKIES! THE GODDAMN COOKIES!

Jack: Why didn't you just say so?

Goofy: Because anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about is a complete moron!

Jack: Aren't YOU the biggest moron on Disney?

Goofy: (blushes) Gawsh. That's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Jack: What the Hell are you supposed to be anyway? A black guy went wrong? The world already had that and its name is Gary Coleman.

Goofy: WHERE THE HELL ARE THOSE F$%^ING COOKIES?

Jack: I DON'T KNOW!

Goofy: Fine. You know what? I'm going to kill you.

Jack: Take your best shot! I've been poisoned, shot, knocked out, pissed on AND drugged. What are you going to do?

Goofy: I'm going to make you watch The Adventures of Pluto Nash.

Jack: Can we talk this over? I mean, we can stick together to find those cookies. Let's not do anything else drastic.

Goofy: Sorry. You didn't co-operate the first time so prepare for the worst.

Goofy takes out Pluto Nash DVD out of nowhere and puts it in a DVD player, which turns on a TV. Jack is forced to face the TV, eyelids taped open.

Jack: DON'T DO THIS!

Goofy: I have no choice. I'll be back when the movie is done.

Jack: Aren't you going to watch it with me?

Goofy: I did, why do you think I act the way I do?

Jack: Absolutely retarded.

**11:12**

CTU is trying to find out the mystery of the stolen cookies through television.

Morris: I don't know, you guys. If you ask me, those people on The Big Bang Theory seems too smart for us.

Chloe: What about Two And A Half Men?

Milo: No one on that show could've done it. It's too brain dead to know what the Hell is going on.

Bill: What about CSI?

Morris: (slaps Bill) Don't ever mention that show here again.

Chloe: Speaking of not mentioning, how come none of us know what day it is?

Milo: (sings) There are seven days, there are seven days, there are seven days in a week!

All: (sings) There are seven days, there are seven days, there are seven days in a week.

Milo: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

All: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Barney's Birthday… BARNEY'S BIRTHDAY!

Suddenly, there is a panic all over CTU. People are throwing themselves out of windows. Suddenly, the song _No Rain _starts to play in the background and all Hell breaks loose. There are shots fired and the place is a war zone. A man pulls a woman aside to show her something.

Man: IT'S A COOKBOOK! IT'S A COOKBOOK!

Woman: GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY!

**11:16 am**

Audrey is passed out on the road. She slowly wakes up and gets up. She doesn't remember who she is, what happened or what she does for a living. She has amnesia!

Audrey: I HAVE AMNESIA!

She starts walking around, trying to figure herself out.

Audrey: I JUST WANT TO FIGURE MYSELF OUT!

*sigh* She walks and walks until she sends herself from this story to another. She sees an explosion and a man falls from the sky, right beside her.

Audrey: OH MY GOD! ARE YOU OKAY!

Tim Taylor: (gets up, without a scratch) I'm fine, young lady. It's only a minor mishap at Tool Time.

Audrey: But you fell from the sky!

Tim: Don't worry about it! Everything is under control!

Suddenly, another object falls from the sky. A broken barbeque grill crashes beside them.

Audrey: OH MY GOD!

Tim: Now that's what I call a spicy meatball… OH HOH HOH HOH HOH!

Audrey: Are you always this annoying?

Tim: It's what killed my wife… OH HOH HOH HOH HOH!

Audrey: I know this is not my story. I'm going to leave now! (walks out of the story)

Tim: Oh well! No witnesses for what I'm going to do next! (gets out chainsaw and puts a Jason Voorhees mask on his face) Oh, Mr. Wilson!

**11:19 am**

Cheney and Saddam are in a parking lot of a department store.

Cheney: Hey, thanks for taking me shopping today! It was fun!

Saddam: Hey, anything for my lover!

Cheney: Saddam, quiet! Someone might hear you.

Saddam: Aw, relax, boyfriend! I want the whole world to know about us!

Cheney: I'm flattered but I'm not ready for everyone to know about us quite yet.

Saddam: But after what we're going to do later, we are going to be HUGE!

Cheney: You're quite big yourself.

Saddam: And you ain't so bad yourself.

They are just about to get to Saddam's massive tank when they see someone sprawled across the floor.

Saddam: Hey, look! Someone's lying in a puddle of ketchup!

Cheney: It's probably Jay Leno. He just wants attention!

Saddam: (goes up to the person) Hey, buddy! Are you alright, friend? Oh my Satan. IT'S THE PRESIDENT!

Logan is recognized as Cheney goes up to him.

Cheney: Mr. President, what happened?

Logan: I… know…who…stole…cookies….

Cheney: Sir, you're not making any sense!

Logan: Cookies…someone stole the cookies….

Cheney: Logan, I still don't understand you!

Logan: I know who stole the cookies…

Cheney: Mr. President! You're not making any sense!

Logan: YOU (censored) MORON! I KNOW WHO STOLE THE (censored) DAMN COOKIES! IT WAS….

Before Logan got to finish the sentence, Saddam stabbed the President in the heart several times with a pin, killing him.

Cheney: SADDAM! WHAT THE HELL?

Saddam: Hey, relax, guy!

Cheney: Relax! RELAX! YOU JUST KILLED THE PRESIDENT!

Saddam: Don't worry, friend! There's nothing to worry about!

Cheney: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! YOU KILLED THE PRESIDENT WITH MY FAVOURITE PIN! (takes pin away from Saddam) WHY THE HELL COULDN'T YOU HAVE USED A KNIFE! A PIN? I THOUGHT YOU WERE A REAL MAN!

Saddam: I'm sorry, buddy. I panicked.

Cheney: Well, consider us broken up for an hour. (walks to tank)

Saddam: (chases Cheney) Aw, come on! Don't do this to me, baby! I was going to bring you with me to my place to watch Failure To Launch!

Cheney: MAKE THAT TWO HOURS!

**11:25 am**

At CTU, everything is a mess. There are papers everywhere, a huge bonfire is in the middle of the room and everyone is sitting around it.

Chloe: What the Hell happened?

Bill: We have reason to believe that it was Barney's birthday. (slams his fist against his knee) Why didn't we see this coming? I had it on my calendar since earlier today!

Milo: What have we turned into? There's nothing that can get any worse!

Morris: (comes in, drunk) Hey, dalings! I found my shotgun!

Bill: Chloe! I thought I told you to hide that gun away from him whenever he's drunk!

Chloe: I swear to God I did! I don't know how he found it!

_FLASHBACK_

Morris is on a chair, drinking alcohol and has a notebook in his hand.

Morris: So where would my gun be that would involve Chloe, a bed and a box?

While Morris is thinking, a blue dog comes out of nowhere and barks, scaring the man.

Morris: What the Hell is that? Is that a dog? (looks at cameraman) Is this a f$%^ing dog? How am I going to take this…Oh my God!

Morris looks over the notebook in his hand.

Morris: I know! My gun is under Chloe's bed in a box! We just figured out Blue's Clues! (gets up from chair and starts dancing) We just figured out Blue's Clues! We just figured out Blue's… (faints)

_Present Time_

Everyone is looking at Morris.

Milo: Morris, I doubt that happened at all.

Bill: Dammit, Chloe! I told you not to hide dangerous weapons under your bed!

Chloe: I didn't think he'd find them! We're talking about the same guy who thought The Majestic was a good movie!

Bill: Jim Carrey never did stand a chance with that movie.

Milo: Speaking of bad chances, has anyone heard from Jack?

Morris: I'm sure he's doing well. (throws up and faints)

Chloe: Actually, I haven't heard anything from him for some time.

Bill: Okay, people, let's all calm down. Jack has never let us down before.

_FLASHBACK to a movie theatre where Jack, Chloe, Bill and Milo are deciding what movie to watch._

Jack: It's my turn to pick a movie!

Bill: (sighs) Fine! What movie do you want to watch?

Jack: All About Steve! It looks so cool!

_PRESENT DAY_

Chloe: (scratches her chin) You know, Jack hasn't been the same since that movie.

Milo: Yeah. It seems that he's lost some of his happy memories thanks to that movie.

Morris: (wakes up) I watched All About Steve and I turned out fine… (faints again)

Chloe: I think Jack's in trouble!

Bill: Don't worry. If we know Jack, we know that there is nothing he can't get out of.

**11:32 am**

Jack is still tied up in a chair with Goofy right beside him. They are viewing a slideshow.

Goofy: Gawsh, this is me throwing up in a paper bag at Disneyworld. (he changes the picture) This is me throwing up after eating at Gordon Ramsey's famous restaurant. (changes the picture again) And this is me celebrating the death of Justin Bieber.

Jack: (crying) Please, for the love of God, stop.

Goofy: AK-YA! Never! I will never stop! I want you dead! Brain dead.

Jack: (shocked) Never! You will never break me!

Goofy: Oh really? (takes out a walkman and plugs headphones in it)

Jack: (laughs) Hey, Goofy! The 90s called, they said to f%^k off!

Goofy: Very funny! (puts headphones on Jack's ears) Let's see what Soulja Boy has to say about this.

Jack: NNNNNNOOOOOOOOO! Must..get…through…first…terrible…song….(goes limp)

Goofy: (scratches his head) Gawsh. It barely went on for five seconds and already he's (checks pulse) dead. Oh my God! I DID IT! I DID IT!

Dora and Boots come into the picture.

Dora and Boots: WE DID IT! WE DID IT! WE DID IT!

Goofy: What did I tell you about interrupting my celebrations? Get back to the cornfields!

**11:37 am**

Audrey is still trying to find her identity. She is in another story. Audrey enters a house.

Audrey: What is this place? Why is it so cartoonish? Why does a chair need a mouth? Oh dear God. This can't be…it is! It's…

Suddenly, a strange person jumps in front of her.

Pee-Wee Herman: PEE-WEE'S PLAYHOUSE! HA HA! Ha ha!

Audrey: Oh dear God.

Pee-Wee: And what's your name, Missy?

Audrey: Audrey.

Pee-Wee: More like Maudry! HA HA!

Audrey: Oh God, I'm in Hell.

Pee-Wee: ! YOU SAID THE SECRET WORD! HAAAAAAAA!

Audrey: Screw this, I'm out of here.

Pee-Wee: ! YOU SAID THE SECRET WORD!

Audrey: What the Hell is wrong with you?

Pee-Wee: Well, today I get to go to the movies all by myself for the first time! All by myself! HA HA!

Audrey: Why the Hell is there a mouth and eyes on the chairs?

Pee-Wee: Because this is a magical place, silly! HA!

Audrey: A MAGICAL PLACE? THERE ARE FACES ON CHAIRS! THERE ARE PUPPETS WITH CRAZY PERSONALITIES! YOUR THEME SONG IS TWO AND A HALF MINUTES LONG! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

Pee-Wee: ! YOU SAID THE SECRET WORD!

Audrey: (pulls out a gun) You better shut the Hell up right now, you man-child. There is no way you can be this hyper with only sugar! What are you hiding?

Pee-Wee: (turns serious) You want to know what I'm hiding?

Audrey: Yes.

Pee-Wee: (goes to her ear and whispers) I'm a loner, Audrey. A rebel.

Audrey: What the f-

Suddenly, all the lights turn off and a spotlight is turned on. Audrey sees Pee-Wee sitting in a chair, with a serious face. He pulls out something and shows it to Audrey.

Pee-Wee: This is crack. Rock cocaine. It isn't glamorous or cool. It…

Audrey: HE'S GOT DRUGS! THAT'S HOW HE GETS HIS ENERGY! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Pee-Wee: Wait a minute, I….

Audrey runs to the man-child and tackles him off of his chair, which makes her remember what she did before.

Audrey: You're going to jail now.

Pee-Wee: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! YOU SAID THE….

Audrey pistol whips Pee-Wee on the head, knocking him out.

Audrey: And this ends YOUR big adventure.

YYYYEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Really? A CSI: Miami joke?

Me: I thought it would be funny for the reader.

Editor: You are the biggest idiot I've ever hired.

**Back to the story!**

**11: 42 am**

Back with Cheney and Saddam, who are driving back to the White House, in Saddam's tank which is destroying every car that it passes by crushing them, even those with people inside. Cheney is still not talking to Saddam.

Saddam: You can't be mad at me for long, buddy!

Cheney: Really? Why should I? You used MY pin to kill the President!

Saddam: Yeah! I said I was sorry. But that means that YOU get to be President!

Cheney: (lightens up) Yeah! How about that!

Saddam: See? I knew you wouldn't be mad about this! We've been planning this for weeks after you died for the first time!

Cheney: I want to tell everybody!

Saddam: How about we make a public service announcement in a few minutes?

Cheney: We can do that?

Saddam: Of course we can, buddy! We are the world leaders!

Cheney: Alright!

Saddam: I have a video camera in the back. Let me go get it.

Saddam turns on the cruise control button and gets out of the driver's seat. The tank is going on its own and then totally destroys a car.

Saddam: Did we hit something?

Cheney: (shrugs) Probably just a deer.

The driver of the destroyed car gets out of the vehicle.

Bambi: YOU BASTERDS!

**11: 46 am**

Meanwhile, back at CTU, Bill, Morris, Milo and Chloe are in Bill's office.

Bill: This is a travesty.

Chloe: I know. Jack is somewhere out there and he's in trouble!

Bill: NO! I'm talking about the final season of That 70s Show that my kid just bought for me! What the Hell was he thinking?

Morris: For the love of God, daling, I'm sorry!

Milo: Anyways, what about Jack?

Bill: (confused) Who?

Milo: JACK BAUER!

Bill: Oh, that chick. I'll be frank….

Morris: Frank? I thought your name was Bill

Bill: I am Bill.

Morris: Then why the Hell did you say your name was Frank?

Bill: Because I said that I'll be frank…

Morris: Yeah, I know but if you're Frank, who is Bill?

Bill: I'm Bill and I'll be frank…

Morris: You can't be two people.

Bill: (sighs) I'm not being two people! I'm Bill and I'd like to be frank.

Morris: You would rather be Frank? I don't know, Bill sounds like a good name.

Bill: (looks at Chloe) Is he this stupid everyday?

Chloe: Only when he's sober.

Bill: That doesn't make any sense. (looks at everyone) Now, I'd like to be frank…

Milo: Your name is Frank?

Bill takes out a taser gun and shoots it at Milo, who screams and passes out on the ground.

Bill: Now, as I was saying, I'll be frank. Without Jack, we have no leader.

Chloe: What about me?

Everyone in the room laughs, even Chloe, who is laughing the hardest. Milo is still passed out.

Morris: (wipes away a tear) Oh Chloe, you make the greatest jokes even in the most serious events.

Bill: (stops laughing) Anyhow, we need someone who has done a lot of action in other areas of mysteries.

Morris: Scooby-Doo?

Bill: Get the (censored) out.

Morris hangs his head down and walks out of the room. Chloe is the only person left in the room that is still standing.

Bill: Anyway, another person will be coming in to step in for Jack by the time this hour will end.

Chloe: Don't you mean by the time this chapter will end?

Bill: DAMMIT CHLOE! YOU BROKE THE FOURTH WALL!

Chloe: (looks at the reader) We will be right back after these messages.

**11: 52 am**

Goofy is driving a brain dead Jack back to CTU.

Goofy: I'm driving you back because you're no use to anyone. You can't even talk or walk. Haa Haa!

Goofy drives up to CTU and throws his companion out of the car. He then drives away. A few seconds later, Jack regains consciousness and gets up.

Jack: What kind of idiot doesn't check pulses to make sure a person is dead? (he raises his right hand) Oh yeah, there was that one time in band camp….

He sees that he is in front of CTU and he runs to it.

**11: 55 am**

Audrey is still at Pee-Wee's playhouse, trying to find a way back to CTU. She is holding Pee-Wee by his shirt collar while he is still passed out.

Audrey: There has to be a way out of here.

Out of nowhere, a door magically appears in front of Audrey, with a sign that says CTU.

Audrey: Well, duh. (closes her eyes and clicks her heels) There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home. (opens her eyes and realizes that she's still at the playhouse) Screw it, I might as well use the door.

Audrey, along with the passed out Pee-Wee she is dragging, goes through the door and into CTU.

Audrey: It's so good to be…

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Eugenia P. Kisskillya comes out of nowhere.

Eugenia: Thank you, Private. (takes Pee-Wee from her) We've been looking for this moron for years! I'll take it from here. (to Pee-Wee, who is just waking up) As for you, you have violated section G-D, making a children's show that promotes drug use through screaming. That means DETENTION!

Pee-Wee: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! YOU SAID THE….

Eugenia gets a shotgun out of nowhere and shoots Pee-Wee.

Eugenia: I'm sorry, Private Audrey. I couldn't stand another second of him. If I have to supervise him in detention, I would be the one that would be the one that's being punished! And I'm the one that supervises the same kids over and over again.

Audrey: You did the world a favour.

**11:56 am**

Morris, Bill, Milo and Chloe are in the same room, watching the news. Audrey has just come into the room.

Audrey: Sorry I was away for so long…

Milo: We know, we know. You caught amnesia.

Audrey: How do you catch amnesia?

Morris: Amnesia is a disease? Get away from me! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! (he runs through a window and falls)

Bill: Morris! Amnesia isn't a disease!

Suddenly, Morris jumps back into the room.

Audrey: So, what's the update on the President's cookies?

Chloe: Jack has gone missing so we hired a new guy.

Morris does the crazy eye to Audrey, who doesn't even flinch.

Audrey: Not going to work this time.

Morris: Damn.

Milo: So, where is this new guy?

Bill: For some reason, he's behind the door. (calls to the door) Will you come in here, please?

The door opens. It is a black man. He is built, has a permanent frown on his face and has a tight green T-shirt and blue jeans.

Chloe: Oh dear Jesus in Hell.

St. James Doakes: Boo, mother(censored).

**At the editor's desk.**

Editor: Are…are you(censored) serious?

Me: Yeah. I mean, there's going to be some comedy in this story!

Editor: I don't know why I gave you this job.

Me: Because in my past stories I've made fun of Toy Story and Fillmore.

Editor: We are so cancelled.

There are split screens. The CTU team are looking at Doakes in a weird way except for Morris who is looking at him with delight. Saddam and Cheney get ready for a TV announcement. Jack runs up to the CTU room where everyone else is.

**11: 59 am**

Jack finally gets to the CTU room everyone else is in.

Jack: Hi, everyone! Sorry I'm late! I just got kidnapped!

Bill: (rolls his eyes) Okay, you? Kidnapped? Lawls!

Chloe: Did you just use MSN talk?

Bill: ROTFL! No!

Jack looks around the room and sees Doakes.

Jack: Who is this ass clown?

Bill: This is James Doakes. He comes from a place called Miami, probably made up since I never heard of it.

Jack: Why is he here?

Doakes: Because you're off the case, mother(censored).

Morris: He's so dreamy….

Milo: Back off, he's mine!

Bill: (looks at the TV) Uh, guys! We got a problem here!

Everybody in the room looks at the TV and sees Cheney is on the screen in a newsroom.

Cheney: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

**11:59:57**

**11:59:58**

**11:59:59**

**12:00:00**

Next time on 24

Jack and Chloe are in a room.

Chloe: Jack, there's something I have to tell you? It's a bit of a shock.

Jack: What is it, sweetie?

Chloe: We're having a baby.

Jack: So?

Chloe: That means YOU'RE pregnant.

Jack: None of this shocks me.

Chloe: Also, back at the office…we've ran out of toner.

Jack walks around and takes a deep breath, going into tears.

Jack: How long has this been going on?

Chloe: Five minutes.

Jack bursts into tears.

Jack: WE'RE OUT OF TONER! WHY DOES GOD HAVE TO BE SO CRUEL!

Then…

Saddam and Cheney are at a chocolate factory.

Saddam: (pointing) OOOOHHHH! An oompa loompa.

Cheney gets out his hunting rifle and fires at it constantly for seven minutes. The oompa loompa is dead.

Cheney: Sorry, I thought it was a deer.

Next…

Milo, Morris and Bill are watching Inception in a CTU room.

Milo: I'm confused…

Bill: So am I.

Morris: Same here. Why is the boy from 3rd Rock from the sun in this movie?

Milo and Bill look at Morris, shaking their heads, disapprovingly.

**That's next on 24.**


	5. Chapter 5

DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN ANY 24 CHARACTERS! PLEASE ENJOY OR READ SOMETHING ELSE!

**Previously on 24…**

Jack, Chloe and Edgar are on Jeopardy! With Alex Trebek.

Alex: This woman's body part is where babies come from.

Jack: (disgusted) I don't want to think about it!

Chloe: (shrugs) I don't know.

Edgar: I'd like to buy a vowel, please.

Alex gets a gun from his pocket and shoots Edgar.

Alex: No stupidity in this game.

Meanwhile…

Saddam, Cheney and Logan are on top of a building.

Saddam: Don't worry, buddy! We believe you can fly!

Logan: Really, do you!

Cheney: Of course we do! All you have to do is think negative thoughts and you'll fly!

Logan: Okay, I'll do it! I DON'T believe I can fly! (jumps off the building and drops)

Saddam: Couldn't we just push him instead of saying he could fly?

Cheney: Well, I thought he could fly.

Then…

Bill and Morris are in the fight of their lives…playing Clue against each other.

Morris: YAHTZEE!

Bill: THAT'S IT! (pulls out a pistol) Backyard. Now.

Finally…

Audrey is with Bill.

Audrey: We can never be…

Bill: But we can. (kisses her full on the lips)

Audrey: We can never be because we're brother and sister!

Bill: ….And?

_**The following takes place between 12:00 pm to 1:00 pm.**_

**12:00 pm**

The main good guys are looking at the TV at CTU, which shows Cheney sitting down behind a news desk.

Cheney: (whispers) Is it on? Are we live? How's my face?

Saddam: Sweetheart! You look fantastic!

Bill: This is absolutely ridiculous!

Morris: I know! He's supposed to be FABULOUS, dahling!

Cheney: My fellow Americans. I have some sad news. President Logan, our beloved man of the year, has died earlier today.

Jack: (deadpan) Oh no. What will we do without him?

Chloe: (deadpan) I don't know, Jack. Why don't we arrange a funeral for him?

Morris: Great! I'll get the decorations!

Morris runs out of the room while everyone else turns their attention to the TV.

Cheney: Now, that the President has sadly passed, we will now… (squints at the camera) I don't know what that is. I've never seen that before.

Saddam: Just read what is on the teleprompter.

Cheney: There are no words there!

Saddam: There are words there!

Cheney: (getting mad but keeps a straight composure) The President has passed and we will now leave you with… you know what? I can't do it. (gets up and fixes his shirt) We'll do it live.

Saddam: But Cheney…

Cheney: (sits down, angry) WE'LL DO IT LIVE, FUCK IT! WE'LL DO IT LIVE! I…I'LL WRITE IT AND WE'LL DO IT LIVE! (breathes) FUCKING THING SUCKS!

Everyone at CTU is shocked about what is going on.

Cheney: (calm) The President is dead so I'll be in charge. We'll leave you with Sting and a cut off his new album. Take it away.

Cheney angrily sits up from his chair. He slams a random pen on his desk and takes off his shirt.

Meanwhile, everyone at CTU is staring at the TV, their mouths wide open at what they have just seen. Suddenly, Morris comes back into the room with champagne, which has been half drunk.

Morris: (drunk) WHOO-HOO! IT'S FUNERAL TIME! (faints)

Bill: Okay team. We need to get back to finding the President's cookies.

Chloe: Logan is dead. Does it seem necessary to still be doing this?

Bill: Jack, may you please put an American flag behind me?

Jack: Certainly.

Jack goes behind Bill, takes out an American flag out of his pocket and waves it.

Bill: Miss O'Brien. It's not about getting something done because someone told us to. No. It's finishing something we started only four chapters ago! This is America! In America, we don't finish something half assed like those damn Canadians. We don't surrender like the whiny French. And most importantly, we are not Canada! This is America! Sure, we have The Jonas Brothers, Hannah Montana and High School Musical but Canada went far worse by giving us…CELINE DION! THIS IS WAR! Wait, where was I going with this? Oh yeah. This is America! The land of the free! And we will stop at nothing to get those cookies back for the dead President. Now, who's with me?

The room is silent. Chloe claps her hands.

Chloe: That was the worst speech ever and I've heard Morris talk when he's drunk.

Milo: (in tears) That was beautiful! Count me in!

Audrey: Me too!

Chloe: (groans) Damn peer pressure.

Morris: (slowly gets up) I'm in…for chipping in for the strip club for the funeral!

Bill: What about you, Jack.

Bill turns to Jack, who is blowing his nose into the American flag.

Jack: What?

**12: 06 pm**

Jack regains consciousness, waking up with his head in a bathroom toilet.

Jack: It's because I'm black, isn't it?

**12: 07 pm**

At the White House, Saddam is outside of a bathroom, waiting for Cheney.

Saddam: Come on, son! You weren't that bad.

Cheney: People were supposed to take me seriously! Now, I'm the laughing stock on YouTube.

Saddam: Relax, buddy! You're the President of the free world! And I get to be your first lady!

Cheney: I guess.

Saddam: If you come out of there, I'll let you blow up Canada!

Cheney opens the bathroom door a bit.

Cheney: Really?

Saddam: Of course! You're my one true love, friend!

Cheney comes out of the bathroom. He giggles.

Cheney: Oh this will be so much fun!

Saddam: Well, Cheney, we're just getting started!

Cheney: Oh, I love you, Saddam.

Cheney kisses Saddam on the cheek as they do a freeze frame. Meanwhile, Mr. Security Guard walks in on them.

SG: We are so cancelled.

**12:10 pm**

At CTU, Bill gives everyone separate assignments.

Bill: Now, team! We must find the President's cookies! Jack!

Jack: (gives Bill a salute) Yes, sir!

Bill: We need you to get connections to who was close to the President!

Jack: That's a bit vague but okay.

Bill: Chloe, I need you to use the satellites to help find…

Chloe: Who killed the President?

Bill: What are you talking about?

Chloe: Are you serious? This is 24! The deaths of this show are always MURDERS!

Milo: That might mean that whoever stole the cookies…killed the President.

Bill: I don't know. That seems a bit too…plausible.

Chloe: This is 24. Like Fox News, we can make the impossible possible.

Bill: Alright, change of plans! We need everyone to do their part in finding the culprit.

Milo: And what if we don't?

Bill thinks for a minute and goes over to a random bowl of little papers filled with clichés in it. Bill reaches in there, takes one out, reads it and says,

Bill: Then God help us all.

Jack: If this were any cheesier, this would be CSI: Miami.

Bill: (turns angry) ALRIGHT, JACKASS! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED! SECURITY!

Security guards burst in the room and take Jack away.

Jack: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE MY DIGNITY!

Bill: Relax, Jack. We're only kicking you out of the building to do your job!

Jack: I COULD HAVE WALKED!

Bill: (scratches his head) Yeah, I didn't think this through.

**12: 16 pm**

Saddam and Cheney are in the Oval Office.

Cheney: So, now that I'm President, what should I do first?

Saddam: Well, Honey, I have a special person to tell you that.

Cheney: But you know about this stuff more than anyone I know! Who will give me advice the way you do?

Saddam: (shouts) Bring him in!

A person comes in which makes Cheney scream like a schoolgirl.

Cheney: BISON!

Bison: Good afternoon, Miss.

Cheney is blushing.

Cheney: Oh my God! Oh my God! Bison is in my office! Saddam, BISON IS IN MY OFFICE! Oh my God! Okay, calm down, Cheney! You're going to give yourself another heart attack! Please, please, sit down!

Bison: Thank you. (sits down on a chair)

Cheney: Would you like something to drink? Anything? Water? Tea? Coffee?

Bison: No, I'm okay.

Cheney: (sits down close to Bison) I'm so glad you're here, I want to ask you one question: Did you like the Mortal Kombat movie that was made in 1994?

Bison: No but I like the person who played me. Now, I want to talk like he does!

Cheney: Fantastic!

Bison: Now, what did you want to ask me?

Cheney: Well, I don't know what to do now that I'm the new world leader. Can you give me some advice?

Bison: First thing you do is get all the world leaders together…

Cheney: Yes…

Bison: Than, you tell them your plans for the new free world!

Cheney: Yes…

Bison: And kill them all!

Cheney: EXCELLENT!

Bison: And then, the whole world is at your plea!

Cheney: Awesome!

Bison: Now, I must go! (stands up) I must kill that ass clown Jean-Claude Van Damme for destroying Mortal Kombat. (goes to leave)

Cheney: Bison…

Bison: (turns to Cheney) Yes?

Cheney: Will I have the authority to take over the country?

Bison: Yes. (turns away)

Cheney: How about the state?

Bison: (turns to Cheney) Exactly! (turns away)

Cheney: What about taking over the world?

Bison: (turns to Cheney) OF COURSE!

**12:21 pm**

Jack is in his car, driving while talking to Chloe on his cell phone.

Jack: So, anyway, Bill told me that Milo likes me but Milo actually likes Morris! So I was like "No Way!" and he was all like, "Uh huh!" and I was like, "Nuh-Uh!" and he was like, "Yes!" and I was all like, "No!" and he was like, "Yes!" and I was all like, "Oh Snap!" and he was all like, "You go, girl!" and I was all like, "You said it, sister!" and he was like…

Chloe: Jack, how the Hell did you get this number? I blocked your number off my phone because you wouldn't shut the Hell up!

Jack: I have my ways.

_FLASHBACK_

Jack and Morris are in a bar. Morris has finished drinking his 30th bottle of beer while Jack keeps ordering for him.

Jack: Another beer, here!

Barkeeper: (goes to Jack and looks at Morris) He doesn't look so good. Besides, the beer limit is 27.

Jack: Barkeep, the limit is 18.

Barkeeper: Oh, okay. (grabs another beer and gives it to Morris) Here you go.

Jack: Can you give me Chloe's phone number? Pleeeeeeease? I'll be your bestest friend!

Morris: It's in my purse….

_FLASHBACK ENDED_

Jack: So, anyways, Morris is all like I'm cheating on Chloe and I was all like…

Chloe: Wait…WHAT?

Jack: Uhhhhh…. So I have a suspect on who stole the cookies.

Chloe: Wait, Morris is cheating on me?

Jack: Goofy is a suspect!

Chloe: But Morris cheated on…wait, WHAT? GOOFY?

Jack: He kidnapped me, tried to make me brain dead and sent me back to CTU!

Chloe: Wait a minute, if he kidnapped you, couldn't he just KILL you and buried your body instead of killing your brain and sending you to CTU! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM?

Jack: Uhhhh….it's Goofy.

Chloe: Oh yeah, right.

Jack: I think I know where he is. If he's as stupid as I think he is, there is one place that he could be…

Chloe: No…he can't be that stupid.

Jack: Yeah, he is…

Chloe: You think he could be connected to the President's cookies?

Jack: Yes.

Chloe: You know what to do when you see that stupid dog.

Jack: Yes…wait…HE'S A DOG! Jesus Christ!

Chloe: I know!

Jack: No, I was talking to Jesus who is sitting beside me.

Jesus: Tell Chloe that she will get through with Morris if they both just talk everything out and find the reason of conflict.

Jack: (to Chloe) Jesus says to kick Morris' ass!

Jesus: No, no! Tell her to turn the other cheek!

Jack: (to Chloe) The Great One says to slap him on the cheek!

Chloe: Okay…

There are split screens between Jack and Chloe. Jack sees Chloe.

Jack: Hey, you look confused.

Chloe: Yeah, why is Jesus with you?

Jesus: But I'm everywhere.

Chloe: (looks around) No, you aren't! You are a liar! I'm hanging up! (hangs up)

Jack: (puts away his phone) So…you're everywhere?

Jesus: That's right.

Jack: So…you saw me do that thing at the Church?

Jesus: Yeah…

Jack: Okay, look. It was only one time, okay? It won't happen again.

Jesus: You only prayed.

Jack: I DIDN'T WANT THE READER OF THIS TO FIND THAT OUT!

**At the editor's desk.**

Editor: Jack Bauer actually prayed!

Me: Yep.

Editor: But he doesn't want us to find this out. How will he take this?

Me: Jack Bauer is a fictional character. What could he possibly do to punish me?

**Back to the story!**

Jack Bauer: I'm going to castrate the writer of this story!

**At the editor's desk.**

Me: (gets on cell phone) Chuck Norris? Can you be my bodyguard for a little while?

**Back to the story!**

**12: 30 pm**

Bill is in his office, on his laptop.

Bill: This is incredible. This is so confusing. I don't understand anything! Nothing makes sense anymore!

While this is going on, Chloe comes into his office.

Chloe: Can I talk to you?

Bill: Chloe! You have to see what's wrong with my laptop!

Chloe goes to Bill and looks at his laptop.

Chloe: You're watching Inception? Why?

Bill: It's so damn confusing!

Chloe: Like this fan fiction story?

Bill: (closes his laptop) Exactly. So, what's on your mind?

Chloe: It's Morris.

Bill: Oh God, here we go.

Chloe: He was cheating on me.

Bill: I thought you knew that already! I even sent you an email about it.

Chloe: I deleted it after that clip of that cat wearing a hat that said "This Is Funny!"

Bill: Oh yeah.

Chloe: And Morris does other things…he drinks and he hit me once.

Bill: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA! Morris doesn't drink.

Suddenly, Morris bursts into the office, drunk with an empty liquor bottle in his hand.

Morris: Hey, Billy! I ran out of apple juice! (shows Bill the empty bottle) Can I get some more? Please, dahling? (throws up on the floor)

Bill: Awwww, you're too adorable to say no. There's money hidden in Chloe's desk! Take some but don't tell her.

Chloe: Hey!

Bill: (to Chloe) Oh, don't worry, Chloe won't know!

Morris: Thanks, Bill! You're my bestest friend!

_Meanwhile_

Jack is driving when he feels some heartache.

Jack: I feel hurt for some reason…

_Back at the office._

Morris leaves while Chloe turns to Bill.

Chloe: See? He drinks and he hits me!

Bill: For the last time, he doesn't drink! I know he hits you like Chris Brown and Rihanna but he doesn't drink!

Chloe: I can't talk to him! I'm in emotional distress!

Bill: Really? Your face does not show it at all!

Chloe: At least I'll live…unlike you!

Michael Kelso: BURN!

Both Bill and Chloe look at Kelso with weird looks.

Kelso: Hey, that was a good burn.

**12: 36 pm**

Goofy is entertaining kids at Disneyworld.

Goofy: Hiya, kids! AK-YA! Gawsh! How are you today?

Kids: (in unison) GOOD! (laughing)

Goofy: Gawsh! I've never seen so much happy kids in my life! AK-YA! (goes to a kid) And what's your name, young lady?

Kid: (giggles) My name is Earl!

Goofy: (scratches his head) AK-YA! That sure is a strange name for a lady!

Kid: (laughs) I'm not a lady!

Goofy: (to all the kids) Now, who wants to see Pluto the dog?

All the kids cheer for Pluto, who was behind the kids the whole time.

Goofy: Pluto, old buddy! You left Mickey for me! (hugs Pluto) I'm so glad we're best…

Suddenly, a person tackles Goofy to the ground and sits on top of him.

Goofy: Jack Bauer! I thought you were brain dead!

Jack: You didn't check my pulse! (punches Goofy repeatedly) You aren't the real Santa Claus! Why do you lie to me? WHY? (looks at kids) I'M THE REAL SANTA CLAUS!

Goofy pushes Jack off of him and runs away.

Jack: Dammit. (runs after Goofy) Come back here!

Goofy: Never!

Jack: Shoot! I thought that would work.

**12: 40 pm**

Morris is on top of the roof of CTU with a full water bottle. He has just gotten the news from Bill that he hits Chloe.

Morris: I did naht hit her! It's naht true! It's bewlshit! I did naht hit her! (throws water bottle to the ground) I did naht! Oh hi Milo. (goes to Milo who is sitting on a chair)

Milo: Oh hey Morris, what's up?

Morris: I have a problem with Chloe. She said that I hit her.

Milo: What? Did you?

Morris: (sits down beside Milo on another chair) No! It's naht true! Don't even ask! What's new with you?

Milo: Well, I'm sitting up here thinking, you know? I got a question for you.

Morris: Ya?

Milo: You think girls like to cheat like guys do?

Morris: What makes you say that?

Milo: (gets up and walks around a bit) I don't know. I'm just…I'm just thinkin'.

Morris: I do naht have to worry about that because Chloe is loyal to me.

Milo: Yeah you never know. People are very strange these days. I used to know a girl. She had twenty-seven guys. One of them found about it and beat her up with a pistol, gave her a swirly, shot her, hung her and failed, put her in a bathtub of water and put a plugged in toaster in it, made her swallow poison, made her watch Killers, buried her alive, gave her a purple nurple, made her watch "Two Girls, One Cup", slapped her silly and, of course, gave her a wet willy. He got her so bad that she ended up in a hospital on Gerardo Street.

Morris: (on the floor laughing) What a story, Milo!

Milo: You can say that again!

Morris: Let's go eat, huh?

Milo: What is huh? Do they have a huh restaurant? Do they serve huh there? Huh?

**12: 44 pm**

Goofy is in the Disneyland castle. He is shooting a machine gun at Jack from the inside of one of the castle's windows. Jack is on the outside of the castle being shot at, wearing a red and blue helmet, with nothing else to protect him for some reason. Goofy is missing Jack entirely. Meanwhile, people are exiting the theme park.

Person #1: What the Hell is that man doing? He's a sitting duck!

Person #2: That's Jack Bauer. He knows what he's doing! Now, let's get out of here!

Jack looks up at the deranged Goofy. A small microphone comes from his helmet and to his mouth.

Jack: I am…the law! Drop…your weapon! You…are under…arrest!

Goofy: Stop talking like Christopher Walken!

Jack: NEVER!

Jack runs into the castle and finds Goofy.

Jack: Where are the damn cookies?

Goofy: I'll never tell you, dammit!

Jack: (gets angry) DON'T USE MY WORD! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Jack runs to Goofy, who is about to use his gun, but Jack tackles him.

Goofy: Gawsh!

Jack: You have the right to remain silent. (gets out his handcuffs) Anything you say can be used against you. (handcuffs Goofy)

Goofy: Yeah, yeah.

Jack: Don't you say a word.

Goofy: (sings) I want some peanuts and crackerjack. I don't care if I…

Jack gets out his pistol and knocks Goofy out.

Jack: Dammit! Now I have to carry him into my car.

**12: 48 pm**

Saddam and Cheney are sitting at the Oval Office.

Cheney: I still can't believe that M. Bison was just here!

Saddam: Sure is something, right, guy?

Cheney: Now, I have an idea about taking over the world!

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Saddam: Really? What are you going to do first?

Cheney: Something evil...so evil that everyone will have to listen to me!

_ELSEWHERE_

In a movie theatre, a movie crowd is watching an amazing movie: Toy Story 3. The audience is smiling at the colorful scenes. They all say that it's so beautiful. Suddenly, the movie stops and it slowly changes. It turns into another movie: North. The crowd begins to scream. A fire starts in the audience, people start praying. Meanwhile, one particular person is traumatized.

Roger Ebert: OH MY GOD! NOOOOOOOOO! NOT AGAIN! NO MORE! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! (gets out a pistol and shoots himself)

The crowd bursts out of the theatre, some so traumatized that they gouged their eyes out.

_Back at the Oval Office._

Cheney and Saddam laugh as they see the chaos at the theatre through security cameras.

Saddam: Look at all those chaotic faces! I haven't seen that much terror on people's faces since Batman and Robin!

Cheney: And soon, every movie theatre in the world will play only North! Then, every video store will have only that movie! Every single TV station will play it 24/7! Soon, people will start watching it and they will have no mind of their own! They will be under my spell to do my pleading! Then, I will take over the world!

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Saddam: Now, let's laugh evilly!

Both characters looked to the ceiling and start laughing.

Saddam: LAWLS!

Cheney: ROTFLMAO!

**12: 52 pm**

Chloe is doing work at her desk when Morris sits on her work.

Chloe: How many times have I told you not to sit on my desk?

Morris: Once a day.

Chloe: Oh, that's right. What do you want anyway?

Morris: Did you cheat on me?

Chloe: This story has no time for personal problems!

Morris: But it keeps the story going!

Chloe: For what reason?

Morris: I DON'T KNOW! YOU HAVE TO ASK THE WRITER OF THIS STORY!

Chloe: (to reader) Why do our personal problems have to be displayed?

**At the editor's desk.**

Editor: He asks a legit question.

Me: (looking around, nervously) The Bat Signal! Got to go! (runs away)

Editor: What an idiot.

**Back to the story.**

Morris: Did you cheat on me?

Chloe: No! I never cheated on you!

Morris: But why did you say that you hit me?

Chloe stands up from her desk and so does Morris.

Chloe: I didn't.

Morris: You are lying! I never hit you! YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, CHLOE!

And with that, Morris passes out on Chloe's desk.

Chloe: Dammit!

Her cell phone rings and Chloe answers it.

Chloe: Hello?

Jack: You are so sued. (hangs up)

Chloe tries to get Morris off of her desk when Bill comes by. He pulls up a chair from another desk and watches Chloe's struggle. Chloe stops and looks at Bill.

Bill: Oh no, keep going, you were doing great. (calls out) Hey Audrey! You got to see this!

Audrey: Finally! I haven't really been in this episode. (sits down beside Bill) So, what did I miss?

Bill: Well, Morris was drunk so he passed out on Chloe's desk and now she has to get him off.

Audrey: Fascinating!

Chloe: Uh, a little help here?

Audrey: Oh, no thank you, we're good.

Chloe: Grrrr.

Bill: Oh, this is when she gets mad!

Audrey: (excited) Oooooh, goody!

Chloe: (puts Morris down) You know what? (censored) it! (walks away)

Audrey: Well, that was a waste of two bucks!

Bill: You didn't need to pay for this.

Audrey: Than who was that poor man who I gave that money to?

Christian Slater: (looks at the money Audrey gave him) DRUGS! DRUGS! DRUGS! LAWLS!

**12:57 pm**

There are split screens. Audrey and Bill throw popcorn at Morris. Chloe on someone else's computer. Saddam and Cheney are watching North, with their IQs decreasing. Milo is peeking through a hole that sees the girl's washroom. Jack, without his helmet, is driving to CTU with Goofy riding shotgun.

Goofy: (singing) 99 bottles of beer on the wall! 99 bottles of beer! You take one down, pass it around, 99 bottles of beer on the wall!

Jack: IT'S 98 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL! DO YOU KNOW HOW TO COUNT? YOU'VE BEEN SINGING THAT SONG FOR MINUTES NOW AND IT'S STILL AT 99 BOTTLES? I COULD KILL YOU RIGHT NOW IF IT WASN'T FOR THE DAMN PRESIDENT'S COOKIES!

Goofy: Gawsh! I could never tell you about those cookies!

Jack: We have ways to make you talk. We have ways of making the toughest people talk.

_FLASHBACK_

Eddie Murphy is being forced to watch "The Majestic". He is screaming his life out, with Jack leaning against a wall.

Eddie: OKAY, OKAY! I'LL TALK! I'LL TALK!

Jack stops the movie and stands in front of Eddie.

Jack: So, what is your plan to destroy and take over the world?

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Eddie: (crying) We were going…we were going to make a sequel to the Nutty Professor!

Jack: Dear God.

God: What is it?

Jack: GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

God: Jesus Christ!

Jesus: Yeah?

God: We got to go home!

Jesus and God disappear in a cloud of smoke.

Eddie: And then…we were…going to make a sequel to Pluto Nash!

Jack guts out a gun and shoots Eddie Murphy.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Goofy: But I love The Majestic.

Jack: We know that. But we have another plan to get you to talk.

Goofy: I love Old Dogs too!

Jack: Dammit. (uses his cell phone) Chloe?

There is a split screen that shows Chloe.

Chloe: Yeah, Jack?

Jack: I got Goofy. We're on our way to CTU right now!

Chloe: Good.

Jack: But he likes the movie Old Dogs.

Chloe: Crap! There goes Plan A, B, C and D.

Jack: Don't worry! Plan E never fails. (hangs up)

Chloe: (angry) Why the Hell would he hang up on me without saying goodbye! That ungrateful little…

Jack: Goofy, we are going to make you talk.

Goofy: As long as we're talking, I want to say something. It's going to be kind of a shock.

Jack: Yeah. Like anything you'll say will be a shock. You're Goofy for God's sake. Nothing you say surprises me! Not one breath of air will make me be surprised about anything.

Goofy: Jack. I am your father.

Jack stops the car.

Jack: (surprised) What?

**12:59:57**

**12:59:58**

**12:59:59**

**1:00:00 **

Next time on 24.

Jack and Goofy are playing baseball in front of their house. Jack is swinging a ball while Goofy is about to pitch.

Goofy: Swing hard, boy!

Jack: Okay, Daddy!

Goofy: Ready…set…NOW!

Both Jack and Goofy throw their items through their neighbor's front window. Their neighbor comes out of the house.

Mr. Wilson: BAUER!

WAAAHHHHH! WAAAAAHHHHHH! WAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Next…

Morris is passed out when Chloe wakes him up.

Morris: Good morning, dahling!

Chloe: Hey! Why is the car parked at an odd angle…on the porch…across the street?

Then…

Saddam and Cheney are in their bed.

Cheney: What shall we do tomorrow night, sweetie?

Saddam: Same thing we do every night, Cheney. Try to take over the world!

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Finally…

Bill, Audrey and Milo are in a strange place.

Audrey: I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!

Bill: We were never in Kansas in the first place.

Milo: LAWLS!

That's next on 24!


	6. Chapter 6

DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN ANY 24 CHARACTERS! PLEASE ENJOY OR READ SOMETHING ELSE!

**Previously on 24…**

Jack and Goofy are on a TV show.

Maury: According to the DNA tests, Goofy…you are the father!

Goofy: (cheers) I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! (to Jack) YOU'RE MINE, BITCH!

The audience starts shouting as Jack pulls out a chair and starts hitting Goofy with it.

Maury: Stop hitting your father!

Jack: He's not my father! He's a dog!

Goofy: Gawsh! I am not an animal!

Meanwhile…

Morris and Chloe are in bed together. They are about to have sex when…

Chloe: Wait a minute. Did you bring protection?

Morris: I don't like guns.

Chloe: (laughs) You know what? I'm not in the mood for your stupidity anymore. Good night.

Morris: (sighs) Fine. You want protection? I'll get the semi-automatic from the car.

Then…

Milo and Bill are sitting on a table; between them is a birthday cake.

Bill: Blow out your candles and make a wish.

Milo: I already made my wish.

They are about to lean to each other and kiss when suddenly the front door opens.

Jack: MILO! YOU'VE JUST BEEN PUNK'D!

Milo: WHAT THE (censored)! JACK! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Bill: Honey, don't worry. I'm not participating on this show…

Milo: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, JACK!

Jack: How does it feel to be Punk'd?

Milo: THERE ARE NO CAMERAS FILMING THIS!

Jack: (looks around) Whoops. Sorry. (leaves house)

Milo: This is the worst birthday ever!

Bill: (hugs Milo) I can do things to you that would make God jealous.

Milo: (grabs Bill by the hand) Upstairs. Now.

And finally….Audrey.

Audrey: What? Hey, wait a minute….

_**The following takes place between 1:00 to 2:00.**_

**1: 00 pm**

Jack and Goofy are in Jack's car.

Jack: What did you say?

Goofy: I am your father.

Jack doesn't express any emotion at first but a few seconds later, he bursts into tears.

Jack: DADDY! I haven't seen you in years!

Goofy: I know, son. It's been too long.

Jack: I know. There are so many things I have to say to you.

Goofy: Gawsh! This is going to be a swell father-son talk! AK-YA!

Jack: Why did you take me to the carnival and leave me there?

Goofy: I…wait, what?

Jack: (turning angry) And while we're at that, why did you kill Mom?

Goofy: But…I…uh…holy…

Jack: WHY DID YOU MAKE ME WATCH CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD, YOU (censored) TWIT!

Goofy: Son, I know a lot of bad things happened to you but….

Jack: (takes out his gun and starts hitting Goofy with it) YOU PROMISED TO TAKE ME TO DISNEYLAND! WHY DID YOU BREAK YOUR PROMISE TO ME? ALL I GOT FROM YOU AFTER YOU LEFT WAS A STUPID WATCH FROM A FRIEND OF YOURS!

_FLASHBACK_

Captain Koons is giving a young Jack Bauer a watch.

Koons: I had this hunk of metal in my ass for two years.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Jack: WHY? WHY? WHY?

Goofy: I'M NOT YOUR FATHER! I'M NOT YOUR FATHER!

Jack: (stops hitting Goofy) What?

Goofy: I thought if I said that I was your father, you would go easy on me.

Jack: You're not my father?

Goofy: That's right.

Jack starts driving again. A few seconds later, he says this in a calm manner:

Jack: By the time I get through with you, they'll find Jimmy Hoffa's body before yours.

Goofy turns to his window, scared.

Goofy: (singing quietly) 99 bottles of beer on the wall. 99 bottles….

**1:06 pm**

Saddam and Cheney are flipping through TV channels.

Saddam: Which channel shall we take over, buddy?

Cheney: The most important one of all.

_ELSEWHERE…._

Larry King: And this is my last show. I'd like to thank everyone who has been watching this show for the past years, especially the 25 million viewers who have tuned in for this special show. I'd like to thank all the entertainers who have come by all these times. We had the laughs, the tragedies, the memories. This is Larry King signing off…for good. We now leave you with Anderson Cooper…

A person goes up to Larry King and whispers in his ear.

Larry King: CANCELLED! ANDERSON COOPER IS CANCELLED? Everybody is watching it! What are they showing instead?

As soon as that question is asked, the program is switched to a scene from North.

_At a household. _

A mother, father and two kids are watching Larry King Live when the program is interrupted by another program. The family screams in horror when they a scene from North appears on their screen.

Mother: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

Father: JESUS CHRIST, CNN! WHY WOULD YOU MAKE US GO THROUGH THIS TORTURE!

Kid #1: Mommy, I'm scared!

Kid #2: Daddy! Change the channel!

The father is about to change the channel but something is wrong.

Father: THE BATTERIES ARE DEAD! THE BATTERIES ARE DEAD!

Mother: Turn off the TV!

The father tries to turn off the TV but something else is wrong.

Father: IT'S NOT WORKING!

Mother: EVERYBODY TO THE PANIC ROOM!

Father: YOU GUYS GO AHEAD! (gets a pistol from his pocket) CNN BETRAYED US! (starts shooting at the TV)

The mother and her two kids run away and go into the panic room.

Mother: Now, kids! Everything is going to be alright.

Kid #1: We're going to die, aren't we?

Mother: Yes. Yes we are.

_Back to Saddam and Cheney._

Saddam: We did it! We got control of CNN, the most trusted network on TV!

Cheney: No more Bill O'Reilly!

Saddam: So, buddy! Which station shall we take over next? MTV?

Cheney: No, no one watches the crappy channel.

Saddam: How about TBS?

Cheney: Yeah! In fact, we'll be doing people a favor! They won't have to watch those garbage Tyler Perry sitcoms!

Saddam: I'd rather watch Monique's talk show on BET! At least she won an Oscar!

Cheney: Yeah! What's Tyler Perry got to show for his success? Dressing up as a woman! If I wanted to see a man dress up like a woman, I'd go see Janet Jackson in concert!

Saddam: I'm so mad right now! LET'S TAKE OVER TBS RIGHT NOW!

Cheney: YEAH!

Saddam: Wait. How do we take over television stations?

Cheney: Follow me.

Cheney leads Saddam to another room, which has a bunch of small TVs that are tuned to different stations. In the middle of the surrounding TVs, there is a huge satellite that reaches to the ceiling and reaches outside toward the sky.

Cheney: This satellite will intercept signals with other signals. We take those signals and use them as our own. So, we can put anything we want on TV channels. No one will know that WE are doing it!

Saddam: So what about the cancellation of Anderson Cooper's show.

Cheney: Jay Leno's show got cancelled so….

**1: 14 pm**

Chloe is back working at her own desk since Morris woke up and left to go somewhere. Milo comes along to her desk.

Milo: Hey, how are you feeling?

Chloe: I don't know how to feel. Morris is a completely different person today. It's like he's been…

Milo: …possessed by Beetlejuice?

Chloe: I meant he's been drinking more than usual.

Milo: Yeah, yeah, that's very nice. Hey can I borrow twenty bucks?

Chloe: I don't have any….

Milo: Thanks! (pulls out a $20 bill out of his pocket) I took some from your secret stash. (walks away)

Chloe: Dammit. (cell phone rings and she answers it) Hello?

Jack: Chloe, I'm warning you. (he hangs up)

Chloe: I wonder who that was….

Audrey comes up to Chloe's desk.

Audrey: Hey, Chloe? WAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAA….

Chloe: Not now. Jack is bringing the suspect to CTU.

Audrey: Jack has a suspect already? It's only been six hours.

Chloe: Meanwhile, I'm stuck at this dead end job at my desk… can you take over for me while I go to the bathroom?

Audrey: Dammit, Chloe! I'm a doctor, not an analysis!

Chloe: Uh… (her cell phone rings and she answers it) Hello?

Jack: Tell Audrey to knock it off. (he hangs up)

Chloe: I have to use the bathroom! I'll be right back! Don't touch anything! (goes to bathroom)

Audrey: (sits at Chloe's desk) What does this button do? (she presses a button on Chloe's computer)

_A minute later…_

Chloe comes out of the bathroom…only to see the FBI and the CIA beating the crap out of Audrey.

Chloe: (to herself) Okay, Chloe. Just walk back to the bathroom and stay there for a few minutes. The FBI and CIA will tire themselves out and go home.

Chloe walks back into the washroom while everyone is beating up Audrey.

**1: 19 pm**

Morris is driving his car to a nearby flower shop.

Morris: (to himself) I know I hurt Chloe. I must make it up to her somehow.

He gets out of the car and, realizing that it is bright outside, puts on his sunglasses. He enters the flower shop. He goes to the flower filled counter where a lady is there, along with a small dog beside her on the counter.

Woman: Hi, can I help you?

Morris: Yeah, can I buy a dozen red roses, please? (takes off sunglasses)

Woman: Oh hi Morris. I didn't know it was you.

The woman goes away from Morris to find what he asked for. She gets it.

Woman: Here you go.

Morris: That's me!

The woman gives the flowers to Morris.

Woman: That will be $18.50.

Morris: (gives her the money) Here you go, keep the change. (pats the dog) Hi, doggie! (walks away)

Woman: You're my favorite customer.

Morris: Thanks. Bye!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: What was the point of that scene? Will anyone get it?

Me: (looks around) The Bat Signal! Run away! (crashes through a window)

Editor: Why do I pay him $4000 a month again?

**Back to the story**

**1: 21 pm**

Jack finally arrives at CTU. He gets out of the car, and then takes a handcuffed Goofy out of the passenger's seat.

Jack: Wait, Disneyland is nowhere near CTU is it?

Goofy: Gawsh.

Jack: And no one back at that amusement park noticed that?

Goofy: AK-YA!

Jack shakes his head as the two characters go into CTU. He walks past security, walks past Audrey getting beat up and straight to Bill's office.

Jack: I got a suspect. I need an interrogation room.

Bill: (nods his head) There is one available next to the holding cell with a man who claims he's an alien and he always looks himself in a mirror.

_At the holding cell_

A man in holding a hand held mirror in his hand, looking at himself.

Dick Solomon: OH MY GOD! I'M GORGEOUS!

_At the interrogation room_

Goofy is sitting on a chair, still handcuffed. Jack is walking circles around the Disney character.

Goofy: Gawsh! You sure like to walk in circles….

Jack: Cut the chit chat, dog. I'm going to ask you once and once only. Where are the cookies?

Goofy: Speak up! I couldn't hear that.

Jack: Where are the cookies? (realizes his mistake) DAMMIT!

Goofy giggles as Jack smacks his face.

Jack: This is your final warning. Tell me where the cookies are.

Goofy: Not a chance in Hell.

Jack: Okay, don't say I didn't warn you. I'll have to do this the hard way.

Jack turns his back to Goofy, who starts laughing. When he turns around, Goofy gasps in horror.

Goofy: OH NO! IT'S YOU! KIEFER SUTHERLAND!

Kiefer Sutherland walks to Goofy and screams at him.

Kiefer: Alright! You better say where the President's cookies are!

Goofy: (crying) PLEASE DON'T HURT ME! I'M BEGGING YOU!

Kiefer: WHERE ARE THE DAMN COOKIES?

Goofy: I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW!

Kiefer: I WILL KILL YOUR SON!

Goofy: NOT MAX! I'LL TELL YOU WHERE IT MIGHT BE!

Kiefer: TELL ME!

Goofy: Alright! There's this guy at 123 Fake Street who is a hardcore boss. He gets a random group of small thugs to steal the most prized possessions from the most famous people.

Kiefer: Including the President.

Goofy: I was part of the group that stole the cookies. Knowing that he would be on MY tail because, well…I'm Goofy, I had to get rid of Jack to save my own ass.

Kiefer: So your boss is at 123 Fake Street?

Goofy: Yes.

Kiefer backs away from Goofy.

Kiefer: I'll take your word for it.

Kiefer turns his back to Goofy for a few seconds before turning to Goofy again.

Jack: You are going to stay here in case we need you for further questioning. Until then…

Jack snaps his fingers and music blares. The song: It's A Beautiful Morning. Goofy screams as the song goes on, his ears beginning to bleed. Jack quietly exits the room.

**1: 30 pm**

Chloe puts an envelope on Morris's work desk and she walks back to the bathroom since Audrey is STILL getting beat up by everyone. A few seconds later, Morris appears at CTU with the roses he bought. He walks to Chloe's desk and places the roses there, being completely oblivious at Audrey being beaten up. Morris goes back to his desk when he notices Chloe's envelope. He is about to open it when he stops.

Morris: I should go somewhere alone where I can read this.

_A drive to an empty beach later…_

Morris walks on an empty beach and opens the envelope, revealing a note. He reads it.

Note: (read by Chloe) My cereal is having an affair with your milk. I don't think we should talk about it…because your spoon with them.

CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC

Morris: Oh God! Oh Man! Oh God! Oh Man! Oh God! Oh Man! (starts spinning in circles) OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD!

**1: 35 pm**

The fight at Chloe's desk is over and Audrey is beaten to a pulp. An ambulance comes by and picks her up.

Audrey: WAIT! I BARELY GOT TO BE IN THIS RIDICULOUS STORY! NOOOOOOO!

Chloe comes out of the bathroom at the exact same time Audrey is taken away. She goes to her desk, which has bits of blood and brain around.

Chloe: Good to be back.

Milo comes to her desk.

Milo: So, did you tell Morris about the affair?

Chloe: I left a note on his desk. (looks at the roses that Morris left for her) Awww, he's so sweet. Maybe he's taking the whole affair thing well.

_At Morris's house._

Morris bursts through his front door and screams at what he sees on his kitchen table. His Frosted Flakes cereal is in a bowl with Chloe's milk.

Morris: I KNEW IT! I DIDN'T WANT IT TO BE TRUE! OH MY GOD!

Morris takes a step forward when he steps on something. He looks at what he stepped on: His spoon with some milk and cereal on its face.

Morris: YOU HAD A THREE WAY WITH THE MILK AND CEREAL! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

He takes out a gun and starts shooting up his house.

_Back at CTU…_

Milo: Aww, he'll be fine. So, what new with you?

Chloe: Do you know what happened to Chloe? She was getting beat up a few minutes ago and now I don't see her around.

Milo: She's probably on life support at the hospital. Anyway, Bill told me that they're replacing her already.

Chloe: With whom?

**1: 39 pm**

Bill is interviewing a man who may or may not be replacing Chloe. He is looking over the man's portfolio.

Bill: Hmmm, good portfolio, although I didn't catch your name on this…

Man: It's Rat, sir, The Rat.

Bill: Hmmm, sounds French. Well, anyway, it says here that you are a spy currently for another company, your main goal is to infiltrate and destroy CTU, your favorite hobby is killing other agents, you are deemed a traitor to some who…"disappeared". I'm not quoting that word, it really says "disappeared".

Rat: Well, I guess I put my mission ahead of the safety for others.

Bill: Okay… it says here that you speak English, you are going to stop CTU from realizing who stole the President's cookies and…wait a minute! WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! THIS IS A TRAP, ISN'T IT?

Rat: (worried) Um, what do you mean?

Bill: WHY THE HELL DOES IT SAY THAT YOU SPEAK ENGLISH!

Rat: (calm down) What?

Bill: ENGLISH! DO YOU SPEAK IT?

Rat: Yeah.

Bill: (calms down) Oh okay. Sorry, it's just that I've been fooled before.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: How can he be fooled in a language he can fully understand?

Me: (looking around) The Bat…

Editor: DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! YOU CAN'T KEEP MILKING THAT JOKE FOR LONG!

_At the Batcave_

Batman is waiting patiently.

Batman: Where the Hell is he?

**Back to the story.**

Bill: (shakes Rat's hand) Congratulations, Mr. Rat. You're hired! You're not suspicious at all!

Rat: Thanks! You'll never regret this! I'll start work right now! (goes out of Bill's office)

Bill: (goes on the phone) Hello? Security? I need you to watch over someone suspicious. Yes…Chloe O'Brian. There's something about her I don't trust. Maybe it's her last name….

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Are you seriously making these characters dumber in these chapters?

Me: (looking around, nervously) BEETLEJUICE! BEETLEJUICE! BEETLE…

**Back to the story.**

**1: 44 pm**

Jack enters Bill's office.

Jack: Bill, I got an address for our next suspect!

Bill: I need to talk to you, Jack.

Jack: ME FIRST! Anyway, Goofy told me the address of another suspect in the President's cookies case! It's at 123 Fake Street.

Bill: What kind of idiot are you?

Jack: Sir?

Bill: Are you that stupid? Are you going to believe some stupid dog?

Jack: I don't know what you mean.

Bill: ARE YOU SERIOUS! JACK! 123 FAKE STREET IS DESERTED! NO ONE GOES THERE….for some odd reason.

Jack: That's probably where the next suspect is. He's the boss with the most hardcore plans!

Bill: Shut up, Jack! I just got a phone call from Disneyland! Apparently, five people were injured during the shooting with Goofy, causing millions upon millions upon MILLIONS of damage in collateral damage! What do you have to say about that?

Jack: (looks around, nervously) Uhhh… Bebe's Kids. (runs out of the room)

Bill: (yells) JACK! IF YOU SCREW UP ONE MORE TIME, I'LL FIRE YOU!

Jack: (yells) NOT IF I FIRE YOU FIRST!

Bill: Good comeback. Dammit. (his cell phone rings and he picks up) Hello?

Jack: I will end you. (hangs up)

Bill: Who the Hell was that?

**1: 49 pm**

Saddam and Cheney are opening a bottle of champagne, celebrating their triumph.

Saddam: We did it, honey! We took over CNN. FOX, Much Music, Much More Music and YouTube!

Cheney: We are the bestest friends yet!

_Meanwhile…_

George W. Bush wakes up from bed all of a sudden. His wife, Barbara, comforts him.

Barb: What's wrong, sweetie?

George: (holds his heart) I just had a sad feeling at the pit of my stomach.

Barb: It's probably the world mad at you, dear. Go back to sleep.

_Back to Cheney and Saddam…_

Saddam pours out two glasses for himself and Cheney, giving one of them to his best friend.

Saddam: (raises his glass) To us!

Cheney: (raises his glass) To us!

Both of them clink their glasses and both drink.

Saddam: You know. I've been thinking, buddy.

Cheney: About what, darling?

Saddam: Do you think that there may be a better way to take over the world?

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Cheney: No way! TV is the thing that controls the world! From the news to sports to pornography!

Saddam: I see…so what happens when you take over the world?

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Cheney: I will invade everywhere and not even He-Man can stop me! (drinks more champagne) Say, this tastes a little funny.

Saddam: It's about 95 years old.

Cheney: (gasps) OH NO! IT'S OLDER THAN ME! (clutches his heart) OH NO! MY HEART! I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE THINGS OLDER THAN ME! (falls to the ground)

Saddam: Oh my Satan! I'll save you!

Saddam grabs a defibrillator and sets it up for Cheney. He is about to shock his better half when Cheney starts screaming.

Cheney: WAIT! YOU CAN'T USE THAT DURING A HEART ATTACK!

Saddam: WHY NOT? I'M TRYING TO SAVE YOU!

Cheney: You have to say "Clear" first!

Saddam: Oh yeah! (sets the paddles on Cheney) CLEAR!

The paddles did their work on Cheney…or failed to do their work as Cheney is…

Saddam: YOU CAN'T BE DEAD! WE WERE GOING TO LIVE PAST THE APOCALYPSE TOGETHER! WE WERE GOING TO RIDE THE HORSES OF DEATH! WE WERE GOING TO SEND NICOLAS CAGE TO HELL! We were going to do it all. In your memory, I will continue to do your plan to take over the world.

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Saddam: (kneels down to Cheney; closes Cheney's eyes) Good night, sweet prince.

Cheney: I'm not dead…

Saddam: (screams) ZOMBIE!

Saddam then gets out his pistol and shoots at Cheney. He starts to cry…then he starts to laugh.

Saddam: Excellent. My plan is in full swing. Now that Cheney and Logan are dead, I can rule the world! Killing Cheney wasn't my intention but the world is mine and mine only! LAWLS!

The Security Guard comes in.

SG: Mr. Cheney, it's time for your sponge bath!

Saddam: He's dead!

SG: Finally, I can quit this job. I can work at my favorite restaurant!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Why the Hell is the Security Guard quitting a high paying job at the White House…for a RESTAURANT?

Me: (looks around, nervous) I…uh…I...uh. (clicks heels) There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place…

**Back to the story…**

**1: 57 pm**

There are split screens. Morris is shooting a machine gun wildly at his house. Audrey is at the hospital, her whole body all covered in a cast. Chloe is watching a DVD of CSI: Miami on her computer. Milo is picking his nose. Rat arrives at CTU, sees Milo. Milo uses his nose picking hand to shakes Rat's hand. Bill is on the phone arguing with Mickey Mouse. Jack is driving his car and he is calling Chloe.

Jack: Chloe, I'm heading toward 123 Fake Street.

Chloe: Why?

Jack: Because Goofy told me to go there.

Chloe: Great job! How did you get him to talk?

Jack: I used Kiefer.

Chloe: AWESOME! So, what did he do?

Jack: Threaten his kid. That was the major thing. I'm surprised he gave up so easily.

Chloe: (suspicious) Yeah…I'll do a background check on 123 Fake Street.

Jack: Thanks! I hope this obviously not fake location I'm going to have some clues towards getting those cookies for our dead President! Uh oh! My battery is dying! I'll have to call you back.

Chloe: Okay, bye! (hangs up)

Jack: What a nice boy.

_Meanwhile…_

Chloe is on her computer doing a background check on Goofy. She looks at his profile and finds something peculiar.

Chloe: That's strange. His only son, Max, was killed by his father…seven years ago.

She researches 123 Fake Street afterward. She is even more surprised.

Chloe: JACK IS GOING TO BE KILLED! I have to call him! (calls Jack's cell phone)

_Meanwhile…_

Jack is driving to his location while his phone starts ringing. He picks up.

Jack: Hello?

Chloe: Jack….it….me….

Jack: Chloe? I can't hear you! My battery is dying!

Chloe: You…are going…die…

Jack: WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Chloe: You…are going….high…

Jack: DAMN RIGHT I'M GOING TO GET HIGH!

Chloe: You're…going….to….d…

His battery finally dies. He shrugs his shoulders.

Jack: Nothing important.

**1:59:57**

**1:59:58**

**1:59:59**

**2:00:00**

Next time on 24

Hadgrid: You're a wizard, Jack.

Jack: I am a what?

Then…

Chloe: Milo.

Milo: What is it?

Chloe: I see dead people.

Milo: You can see me! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

After…

Doc Brown: If this thing goes over 90 mph, this is going to be serious shit…Morris?

Morris: (driving drunk) WWWWWEEEEEEEEE! I'M FLYING! I'M FLYING!

Morris lets go off the wheel and crashes the car.

And finally…Audrey.

Tune in next for more….Digimon: Digital Monsters!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (puts away script) Oh God. I can't read anymore of this. I don't care what NBC said about you.

Me: But please! I'm begging you! Give me a chance! I can do "better"!

Editor: Why are there quotations around the word better?

Me: (looks around, nervously) The Bat Signal! Run away! (smashes through a window)

Editor: (to the reader) I apologize for the quality of this script. Our writer is nuts. He will be back next week for something better. (looks out smashes window) Shouldn't he be dead by now? I mean he's done this like five times.

Tune in next week for 24. (We are very sorry.)


	7. Chapter 7

DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN ANY 24 CHARACTERS! PLEASE ENJOY OR READ SOMETHING ELSE!

**Previously on 24…**

Jack is driving in his car, singing.

Jack: Life is a highway! I want to ride it all night long! If you're going…

Suddenly, another car comes up beside his and starts shooting his car and kills Jack.

Tom Cochrane: Little bastard.

After…

Chloe and Morris are on Maury.

Maury: Now, according to Chloe, his cereal had an affair with her milk! Now, let's bring them out here! Milk and cereal!

A security guard brings out a table with the milk and cereal in a bowl on it. Morris gasps as his spoon is put in the bowl.

Morris: (runs to the cereal) YOU CHEATING (BLEEP)! (tosses all the contents out of the bowl on to the floor and starts punching the milk) YOU (BLEEP)ING HUSSY! YOU HOMEWRECKER! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

The security guards go to Morris and pick him up. Chloe buries her face in her hands.

Chloe: I'm so (BLEEP)ing embarrassed.

Then…Audrey.

Audrey: Hi, every- (gets hit by a car)

Finally…

Bill and Milo are spying over Chloe at her desk, quietly.

Milo: There's something suspicious about her.

Bill: Yes. Ever since The Rat came here, she has begun to be very suspicious.

The Rat comes by.

Rat: Hey guys. What are you doing?

Milo: We're watching over Chloe. She's been acting mighty weird lately.

Bill: We are spying on her so we have no time. (pulls out a file) Here you go, Rat. This is the file of Chloe O'Brian. Check her background.

Rat: (takes the file) Okay, will do. (smiles and walk away)

Milo: Nice guy.

Bill: Yep. Nothing suspicious about him at all.

_**The following takes place between 2:00 pm to 3:00 pm.**_

**2: 00 pm**

Morris arrives at CTU and slumps back at his desk. Chloe sees him and goes to him.

Chloe: Morris? Are you alright?

Morris: Not really. I just had to confront my one and only in a violent matter.

Chloe: I'm sorry. If there's anything I can do…

Morris: Well, yeah…

Chloe: Anything at all, you name it.

Morris: Yes, there is….

Chloe: There is nothing I won't do for you. Just say it out loud.

Morris: There is….

Chloe: Nothing? Okay, I'll get back to work.

Morris: Wait, there's a question I'd like to ask you. Why didn't you come face to face with the affair when I was here instead of leaving me a note?

Chloe: Because of what happened the last time I gave you news you didn't like…

_FLASHBACK_

It is 1997. Morris is at his house, watching TV when Chloe comes home.

Morris: So, how was the movie?

Chloe: It was great! Batman and Robin was a thrill ride. George Clooney was Batman! Uma Thurman and Arnold were in the movie! They even gave Batman a bat credit card!

Morris's mood turns.

Morris: A bat credit card? They gave him…a bat credit card? They had the….BALLS TO GIVE ONE OF THE GREATEST SUPERHEROES OF ALL TIME…A BAT CREDIT CARD! NOOOOO! NOOOOOOO! BRAIN MALFUNCTION! BRAIN MALFUNCTION!

And with that, Morris takes a shotgun from where he is sitting and shoots out his TV, the walls and the floor.

Morris: I'M GONNA TEAR THIS MOTHER DOWN! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Morris: In all honesty, that movie was terrible.

Chloe: I know it was…wait, I still think it's awesome. That was the reason I was afraid to tell you about the milk and cereal face to face.

Morris: I understand.

Chloe: That's right. Now have you finished your anger management?

Morris: Yes I have. I remember my last day there….

_FLASHBACK_

Morris is in his anger management class with the rest of his classmates. His teacher is congratulating him on his final day of the course.

Buddy Rydell: Now, then, Morris. You have graduated from anger management! And it only took you since 1997, so 13 years to pass. But you've slowly got there.

Morris: Thank you!

Buddy: Now, is there anything you'd like to say to everyone?

Morris: Yes there is! Class, or friends, I like to say what a privilege it has been working with you guys! I know it's been tough but because of you, I really got the hang of everything! There were some scary moments but there was no doubt that I could pull it off. Thank you!

The class applauds.

Morris: There is one more thing I'd like to say before I leave! (turns to Buddy) The Shining sucked! The Bucket List sucked! As Good As It Gets sucked! Easy Rider was horrible! A Few Good Men sucked! One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest WAS THE WORST FILM OF MANKIND!

Buddy: (laughs) Well, Morris. I'm going to send you to the hospital!

Morris: Why? I'm not sick or dying. I feel great!

Buddy: Good! I will proceed to kill you now!

Buddy then takes a butcher knife and stabs Morris is the heart, killing him.

Buddy: Now, who wants to eat his brains?

The class cheers as they go for Morris's corpse.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Chloe backs away from Morris.

Chloe: (to herself) Just keep walking…

**2: 07 pm**

Saddam is in the satellite room, watching as the channels' programs have turned into a scene from North.

Saddam: Excellent! The plan is coming into plan! My boyfriend is dead and I never felt more alive! Although, I need an assistant to help me!

Saddam snaps his fingers and a puff of red smoke blasts in the room. As the smoke clears, a figure appears: Heath Ledger.

Saddam: Mr. Ledger! You shall be my assistant from this day forth! I would have gotten Matthew Broderick but you made A Knight's Tale! Now, help me put North on Comedy Central.

_At a household…_

The same family from before are still in trouble. The mother and two kids slowly come out of the panic room. The father hasn't been heard from in almost an hour. They go to where the TV is. There is smoke coming from there and find their man of the house…sitting on a chair watching North.

Mother: ! (goes to her husband and hugs him) LOOK AWAY FROM THE SCREEN! LOOK AWAY FROM THE SCREEN!

She looks into his eyes and sees that he is a comatose state, staring straight at the TV. She slaps him but he doesn't respond. She hugs him and starts to cry.

Mother: Kids, we have to get out of here.

She turns to get her kids but is horrified when she finds her kids are watching the screen.

Mother: ! LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY!

She is too late as her kids are in the same way as their father. She goes to her husband and finds his gun sitting on his lap. She takes it and starts shooting at the screen. The bullets don't affect the screen. The mother screams as she runs out of the room and back into the panic room, her family sucked in to the stupidity of a movie.

_Back at the White House_

Saddam: We have conquered over half of the world's channels! Soon, the world will be our oyster!

Saddam kisses Heath.

Saddam: Think about it! You can cause Hell by making a sequel to A Knight's Tale AND you can marry me! What do you say?

Heath smiles shyly, blushes and nods. Saddam giggles and kisses his new boyfriend on the lips.

Saddam: Saddam and Heath Ledger. Saddam and Heath Hussein. The first one has a good ring to it, don't you think, buddy?

He catches his eye on one of the screens and yells.

Saddam: Wait! Ghostbusters is showing on A&E! Let's watch! (leans in closer to the screen) Oh wait. That's Ghostbusters 2. (guts a gun and shoots the screen showing the movie) At least they're not making a third one. That would be like making a sequel to The Phantom. (shudders)

**2: 15 pm**

Back at CTU, The Rat is settling in at Audrey's desk. (wait, Audrey had a desk here?) He is getting to work on her computer when Milo goes up to him.

Milo: Hey, man! WWWAAAAZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAA…

Rat: Not now, Miss. I'm very busy at the moment.

Milo: I never saw you round here before. Why's that?

Rat: Because I'm the new guy.

The Rat gives Milo the crazy eye, which Milo goes crazy, soaks himself in oil, light himself on fire and crashes through a window.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Does that really happen?

Me: No. (gives Editor a piece of paper) Here's what really happened.

**Back to the story…just rewind a few seconds back.**

Rat: Well, it's because I'm new here.

Milo: Awesome! Well, I want to catch you up with what we're doing at the moment. We are trying to find out who stole the President's cookies.

Rat: (nods) Interesting. Do you any suspects?

Milo: Well, we do have one in the interrogation room. His name is Goofy.

Rat: Really. You don't say.

Milo: Also, Chloe believes that the President was murdered. I mean, we're not doing anything about it because that's the last thing on our minds…for now.

Rat: Don't you think that's a little suspicious?

Milo: You know what? I hadn't thought about that. I'm going to do some further investigation. I'm helping my buddy, Jack!

Rat: Who?

Milo: Jack. He's the field agent trying to find out the crime against humanity. Well, I gave you all I know about this investigation or something like that. You seem like a trustworthy person. I love your name. The Rat. Kind of catchy. Well, I'll leave you to your work that certainly doesn't involve betraying CTU! See you! (walks away)

Rat sees Milo walk away and does work on the computer.

Rat: Well, Mr. Bauer. You can't interfere with the plan. I have to get rid of you somehow. (picks up phone) Hello? Police? There is trouble at 123 Fake Street! Hurry! A man is doing something evil! Yes! Something evil is a crime! Hurry, please! (hangs up phone) Excellent.

Mr. Burns: Copyright! (holds out hand) Royalties!

Rat pays him five bucks.

Burns: Excellent.

**2:25 pm**

Jack drives up to 123 Fake Street. He pulls out his gun and walks toward the front door of the house.

Jack: Come on, Jack. Only two more days until retirement. You can do this.

He quickly opens the door and goes inside.

Jack: There's nothing in here. It was a wild goose chase or something like that. At least I get to listen to that catchy beeping noise that doesn't sound like a bomb at all!

As Jack begins to dance, Travolta-style, there is a bomb right next to him and Jack just notices it.

Jack: Great! Now I'll never be on Dancing with the Stars!

The bomb blows up. The whole house collapses, trapping Jack in its bricks and debris. A few seconds later, two figures come up from the debris.

Elwood Blues: Look at the time, Jake! It's time to go to work.

And with that, Elwood and his brother, Jake, walked away from the wreckage as if nothing happened. Another figure came out of the wreckage: Jack.

Jack: I think that was a trap.

Jack struggles to walk away from the wreckage when he hears police sirens coming closer Jack.

Jack: Thank God they're here! I can explain everything!

The police cars, all forty of them, surround the area. The cops come out of the car and point their guns to Jack. One officer gets a microphone and yells.

Officer: I am…the law! You…are under…arrest!

Jack: What? Why?

Officer: We got an anonymous tip from someone that there were some evil doings here!

Jack: Newman!

_At a nearby house._

A fat character is looking at Jack from his window.

Newman: Goodbye, Bauer! (hears his doorbell) Hello, Jerry.

Jerry: (from outside) Hello, Newman.

**2: 34 pm**

Bill is at his office, using binoculars to spy on Chloe and whispering to himself.

Bill: I don't trust that Chloe guy. She's a bit suspicious for my liking.

Chloe turns toward Bill's office.

Chloe: Are you spying on me?

Bill: She's probably talking to someone else who is in my direction.

Chloe: Bill, I'm totally talking to you!

Bill: There's tons of Bills in this place. She could be talking to anyone.

Chloe: I can hear everything you're saying! Neither of us hung up our phones! You're still on speaker, you idiot!

Bill freezes and looks at his phone, which hasn't been hung up. He hangs up.

Bill: She's not a spy. She's a witch! I'm getting the torches.

Bill's phone ring and he picks up.

Bill: Hello? Yes, this is Bill. Jack's been arrested? Blowing up a house? Send him back to CTU, I'll deal with him myself. (hangs up the phone) I knew I should've switched to Geico.

He makes another call.

Bill: Bad news. The witch hunt of Chloe O'Brian is postponed until further notice.

Chloe: WHAT?

Bill: Ummm, Bebe's Kids. (hangs up) Good thing she is just a figment of my imagination.

**2: 37 pm**

Chloe is on her computer when Morris comes by.

Morris: What's up, dahling?

Chloe: I don't know. Bill's been acting really weird for some reason. I can't get a hold of Jack at the moment and…

Morris: I'm okay, thank you for asking.

Chloe: Okay…

Milo comes to Morris and Chloe.

Milo: I just got news from Bill! Jack's been arrested!

Chloe: What?

Milo: Yeah! He blew up a house. I keep telling him not to blow up any houses, shoot houses up! You can get away with a lot!

Chloe: Okay…wait. How did the police know that Jack would be at 123 Fake Street? The only people who knew about it are me and Bill.

Morris: Bill has been busy with spying on Chloe…getting nothing on her so it couldn't have been either of them.

Milo: You know what this means? Someone at CTU…is a rat!

Rat: (happens to walk by) Did someone call me?

Morris: Not you, adorable kitty! You get back to work, princess!

Rat: Thanks! I'll be in the room where the suspect is and tell him nothing that involves ME ratting out Jack about the obviously booby trapped house and setting him up to become arrested, therefore, not being able to solve the mystery of the President's cookies and go deeper into a deeper involvement involving television and the replacements of the dead President. I am so not the rat in this operation! Well, see you later! (walks away)

Milo: I'm so sorry. I wasn't listening to you, Chloe. What were you saying?

Chloe: I didn't say anything.

Morris: I'm going to relax on my desk. Ever since Audrey left, I can finally relax. Best of all, I got money I got out of nowhere! See you later!

Chloe: HEY WAIT A MINUTE!

**2: 42 pm**

The Rat steps into the holding room. The song, Barbie Girl, is playing loudly in the room. Goofy is smashing his head on a wall, crying. The Rat puts his hand on one of Goofy's shoulders.

Rat: Goofy.

Goofy: Make the noise stop! Please! Make the noise stop!

Rat: Listen to me! I can get you out of here! Jack Bauer has been arrested because of that address you set up for him.

Goofy: Gawsh. Did you set up Jack to be arrested?

Rat: Yes. Best of all, no one can stop us. Not even… (puts a pinky against his mouth) Austin Powers. Mwah HA HA HA!

Goofy: But what about me? I can't live with crappy music that can't get out of my head! I CAN'T LIVE ANYMORE!

Goofy takes out his belt from his pants and ties a noose with it. He then puts it around his neck and chokes himself.

Rat: (deadpan) Oh no, Goofy. Disney will never be the same without you. You are the greatest character since Bill Cosby in Leonard Part Six.

Goofy's body suddenly goes limp and Rat leaves the room.

Rat: Looks like this is no (puts on sunglasses) choking matter. (walks away)

YYYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: You are, by far, the biggest idiot I have ever hired.

Me: (blushes) Thank you. I'm flattered.

Editor: You really need to get laid.

**Back to the story.**

**2: 46 pm**

Everyone watches at CTU as Jack is escorted by police into the building. Bill is waiting for Jack, with all of his things packed in a cardboard box. Jack takes the box and is about to leave the building when he sees everyone looking at him. He laughs.

Jack: Don't worry. Don't worry! I'm not going to do what everyone thinks I'm going to do! Okay! I'm not going to (flails his arms like a crazy person and stops all together) FLIP OUT! ALRIGHT? So! I have one question for you guys! Who's coming with me? Come on!

No one answers. The Rat is giggling, although no one is noticing. The room is silent.

Jack: Oh boy. This is awkward.

Chloe gets up from her desk.

Chloe: I'll go with you!

Jack: Chloe! Yes! Yes!

Jack grabs her hand and pulls her out of the building.

Chloe: But Jack! What about my stuff at my desk.

Jack: Relax, they're going to hire us back later!

Chloe: How do you know that?

Jack: I have a good feeling. Hey, look! (points to the sky) A griffin!

Chloe looks up to the sky and Jack throws the "24" script into a nearby trashcan. Chloe looks back to Jack, with a strange look on her face.

Chloe: A griffin?

Jack: Sorry. I guess it was just a regular horse.

Chloe: Oh okay. Listen, about 123 Fake Street. Jack, you were set up. Goofy gave you that information to get you there so you could be either killed or arrested, therefore, you wouldn't be part of the investigation.

Jack: Goofy, couldn't have worked alone. A Disney character can't buy bombs without Presidential permission.

Chloe: Impossible! Logan couldn't give permission to Goofy because he's dead!

Jack: What about Cheney?

Suddenly, a boy bumps into them.

Jack: Watch it, kid! I'll give you such a beating…

Kid: Sorry! I have to tell my mother that Cheney is dead!

Jack: Well that's a relief. I was just asking Chloe here about Cheney being President who oddly enough is…WUUUUAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Kid: That's right. Cheney is dead and now I'm going to watch it on the news. Bye!

The Kid runs away while Jack and Chloe recollect their thoughts.

Chloe: Cheney is dead.

Jack: (deadpan) Oh no. The whole world is ending. What do we do?

Chloe: Wait. If both Logan and Cheney are dead, the next President might be behind you being set up by Goofy.

Jack: There is only so much I can take. Why did I throw away my script?

Chloe: Your what?

Jack: Nothing! I didn't say anything about a script.

Chloe: Okay. Also, there may be a rat at CTU.

Jack: Same person who called the police on me?

Chloe: Right! Other than you, Bill and I know about 123 Fake Street. I'm with you right now and Bill would never rat you out, only fire you.

Jack: So someone must have known about this whole operation with the President's cookies. Whoever has the President's cookies must have been behind the death of Logan.

Chloe: What about Cheney?

Jack: What about him?

Chloe: Every death in this show is always a murder!

Jack: Right. So it all makes sense.

Chloe: We have to warn CTU that there is a rat in there before it's too late!

Jack: It's too late.

Chloe: How are you so sure?

Jack: I just wanted to say that. (points to the sky) Hey, look! A horse!

Chloe: (looks up) What?

Jack: Keep looking. (goes into his pockets and pulls out another script, throwing it in another nearby garbage)

Chloe: (looks at Jack) A horse? Don't you mean an airplane?

Jack: No, I don't.

**2: 53 pm**

Saddam is in the satellite room, looking at the screens that are turning into North.

Saddam: Excellent. My plan is near completion. Soon, I will be the leader of the free world! Oh, Heath!

Heath Ledger comes into the room wearing a schoolgirl's uniform.

Saddam: You're even cuter than when you were a cowboy in that movie where you kissed another man and you had to hide your relationship from your wives and everything was going one way for you and another for him and then you guys had to sort all kinds of feelings for each other. I think it was called Super Mario Bros.

Heath giggled as he went to his boyfriend and kissed him.

Saddam: You and I, Heath, will be boyfriends, then husbands, than we can take over the world!

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Saddam: Now let's say we watch a bad movie! (goes into his pocket and pulls out a DVD) What do you say to Old Dogs?

Heath nods excitedly as Saddam puts the movie into a DVD player, which is hooked up to a TV. Both start to watch it, holding hands, smiling.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: This doesn't make any sense.

Me: Of course it does. Saddam and his boyfriend are using satellites to play a terrible movie, North, to people who, when they watch it, have their minds disrupted and have no minds of their own, letting Saddam to take over the world…

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Me: …with no hope for humanity.

Editor: No, I get the evil plan but I don't get this: If you want people to obey Saddam's orders, instead of North, couldn't they play Old Dogs, one of the worst movies of all time, instead? Old Dogs is WAY WAY WAY worse than North.

Me: (looking around, nervously) Uh, the Bat Sig…

Editor: No.

Me: Uh…the Bat…

Editor: Don't be an idiot.

Me: Uh…Bebe's Kids?

Editor: (shrugs) Good point.

**Back to the story**

As Saddam and Heath are watching their movie, half of the world is comatose. They are all staring at their television screens, the movie screens, even the videos all over the Internet. All of them showing North.

_Back at the household_

The mother is sitting in the panic room, holding a pistol, crying.

Mother: (to herself) I have to do this. I let it slide when they watched the sequel to Dumb and Dumber. I shrugged when I let them watch All About Steve. I didn't even bat an eyelash when I let them watch Ghost Dad. This is got to stop!

She then puts on sunglasses, so she wouldn't be sucked in to the stupidity of North, and runs out of the room and to her family. She is shocked to see them stare at the TV, frozen. You can actually hear their brain cells dropping. The Mother then pulls the gun up to the screen and starts shooting at it. The bullets somehow, bounce off of the screen and hitting the woman, fatally wounding her. She screams as she falls to the ground.

Mother: I knew I should have switched to Geico.

She coughs a few times and slowly loses consciousness.

**2: 56 pm**

There are split screen. Saddam and Heath are watching their movie, still holding hands. Jack and Chloe run back to CTU and run inside. They see that everyone is looking at their computers.

Jack: Everyone! Listen up! Someone here is a rat!

There is no commotion. Everyone is still staring at their monitors.

Chloe: Are you listening? THERE IS A RAT AMONG US!

No answer.

Jack: THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE A SEQUEL TO THE ROOM!

Everyone is still staring at the monitors. Jack goes to a monitor.

Jack: What's going on?

Jack looks at a monitor to see…North playing on Youtube.

Jack: I don't under…

Chloe: Jack!

Jack turns away from the monitor to look at Chloe, who is pointing at Bill's office. Bill is waving his hands at Jack and Chloe.

Bill: Come here! Hurry!

The duo runs into Bill's office. Bill closes the door when they get in. They see that he's wearing sunglasses.

Jack: What's going on?

Bill: The moment you guys left, someone told everyone to go on Youtube to see any suspects in the investigation of the President's cookies. The moment that they watched a video, they all were like animals. They tore up the place!

Chloe looks out of Bill's office to see the quiet workers watching their monitors. The area around them was clean.

Chloe: I don't know. They seem pretty calm to me.

Bill: (slaps her) CALM THE HELL DOWN, CHLOE! WE'RE THE ONLY STABLE PEOPLE HERE!

Jack: What else happened?

Bill: I wondered why everyone was so quiet so I looked on a video at Youtube and when I saw the reason, I quickly put on these sunglasses so I wouldn't be affected.

Jack: Affected by what?

Bill: North, the most God-awful movie from the 90s that was directed by Rob Reiner, out of ALL directors.

Chloe: What does North have anything to do with what's going on?

Bill: I'll tell you. I'll tell you everything. I'll tell you how this whole thing fits in to this whole story. Everything that I'm going to explain to you will all make sense. Now, brace yourself because the following will knock you down. What I'm going to explain to you is going to be so disturbing that it will make you have nightmares for weeks!

Jack: Speaking of nightmares, where are Morris, Milo, The Rat?

Bill: Morris had a mental breakdown because Chloe went with you, so Milo and The Rat took him to lunch to calm him down.

Chloe: What about Audrey?

Jack: Who?

Bill: The truth is in my mind. I will tell you guys what the connection with North and the President's cookies are.

Jack: (looks at his watch) Do you mind telling us? We only have five se…

**2:59:57**

**2:58:58**

**2:59:59**

**3:00:00**

Next time on 24

Jack: I love you.

Chloe: You're my brother, Jack.

Jack: I know. But I love you more than that.

Chloe: Remember the restraining order?

Jack: HISSSSSSSSSS!

Then….

Morris and Milo are in a restaurant, sitting at a table.

Milo: I love you, buddy.

Morris: I love you, dahling!

They both get up and pull out their guns.

Morris: ALRIGHT, PEOPLE! BE COOL! THIS IS A ROBBERY!

Milo: ANY OF YOU PRICKS MOVE! I'LL SHOOT EVERY F***ING ONE OF YA!

After…

At a parking lot at night. Audrey is holding a camera and beside her a strange man, holding a remote control.

Doc Brown: When this thing goes 75 mph, this is going to be some serious s***.

He pulls the control for the Deleorian and the car is picking up speed. The second Doc releases the control and the car speed toward them, Audrey says something.

Audrey: Oh, by the way! There was plutonium in the car. I thought it was harmful for the car so I drained it all out.

Doc Brown looks at her and screams as the car heads toward them at full speed.

Audrey: Hey, kitty, kitty, kitty!

Finally…

Saddam and Heath are in bed together, naked and they are covering themselves. They appear to be shocked.

Saddam: Um, Heath? We should not tell Mom.

That's next on 24.


	8. Chapter 8

DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN ANY 24 CHARACTERS! PLEASE ENJOY OR READ SOMETHING ELSE!

**Previously on 24…**

Jack and Chloe dancing at a wedding.

Chloe: Guess what? I'm a witch.

Jack: Guess what? I'm a Clippers fan….WAIT! YOU CONFESSED THAT YOU'RE A WITCH! WITCH! BURN THE WITCH!

Everyone at the wedding gets torches out of their pockets and lights them up.

Chloe: It's elementary school all over again.

Meanwhile…

Bill is in his office firing someone.

Bill: You have been such a good person in this establishment but I'm afraid we'll have to let you go.

Chandler Bing: Could I BE anymore fired?

Then…

Saddam and Heath are at the movies watching The Tourist.

Saddam: You know, Heath? That could be us.

Heath Ledger turns away from Saddam and shoves twenty prescription pills into his mouth.

Finally…

Milo and Morris are at a destroyed science lab talking to another person.

Milo: You destroyed the experiments!

Morris: You let all the animals loose!

Milo: You drank all the Kool-Aid!

Morris: You blew up the electric car we were working on!

Urkel: Did I do that?

_**The following takes place between 3:00 pm to 4:00 pm.**_

**3:00 pm**

Jack, Chloe and Bill are all in Bill's office.

Jack: Enough stalling, Bill. Tell us about this movie.

Bill: Are you strong enough to handle it?

Chloe: DAMMIT, BILL! TELL US ABOUT THE MOVIE!

Jack: Chloe, I would tell you not to use my word but I really want to hear about this.

Bill: Alright. Here goes. In 1994, Rob Reiner unleashed a horrible film called North. The stupidity of this film was horrifying. When it was released to the public, people went crazy. Suicides were at an all time high, which included the happy-go-lucky rock star Kurt Cobain. Riots had become more and more frequent. But then, something else happened. Other people began to react differently to the movie. It was like they had no mind of their own. They just sat there watching the movie. But there was a reason behind that. An unknown person who worked on the movie knew how bad the movie was so this person decided to take advantage of this. He knew what it did to people who watched it and he used it to try to take over the world.

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Chloe: Wait a minute. Now, the movie is shown EVERYWHERE right now. What happened before?

Bill: Well, this person's plan would've been perfect. He knew that whoever watched it would be mindless, therefore, could be controlled. Whoever could control them would be leader of the free world! There was one snag in the plan. The government realized that all the commotion came from North so they did some investigating. Everyone who worked on the movie was a suspect but they all disowned the movie because they had better projects in the future. Eventually, they only had one suspect left and it was the guy with the plan. They questioned him and, after a long series of trails, sentenced him to death for crimes against humanity. As for the movie, it was put away and examined by Top Men.

Chloe: Who?

Bill: Top. Men. But the movie somehow made it out to the public again.

Jack: What happened to the people who saw the movie before?

Bill: The effect wore off after a while and, eventually, they were back to normal.

Chloe: Who knew that one movie could cause so much destruction.

Bill: Indeed. Now, the movie is all over the place. Before, it was only in movie theatres. Now, because of all of the technology that has been brought upon us, the movie is on every single website on the Internet.

Jack: Dear God. What the Hell are we going to do?

Bill: There's only one thing that we can do.

A few seconds later, the group is in a circle, all of them laughing as smoke fills the room.

Bill: I feel better already.

Chloe: Yeah. I feel better. Better. Bet-ter. It sounds so weird coming out of my mouth!

Bill: So, Jack. Did you ask your Dad about the car?

Jack: Not yet. I might need money for gas. This gas shortage….bites.

Steven Hyde: There is no gas shortage, man. It's all the government. Hey, there's this car that they're making…and it runs on water, man!

Chloe: You mean a boat?

Hyde: No, man. It's a car! All you have to do is put water in the tank…AND IT RUNS ON FRICKIN WATER, MAN!

Chloe: That is awesome!

Bill: I feel fine! Ffffffffffiiiiiiiine. I am so out of it!

Jack: I forget what we're supposed to be doing!

In the next room, the workers of CTU are looking deep into the screens. Some of them are drooling.

Bill: Nothing important. The world can wait for CTU. Nothing is going to…

Suddenly, the door opens.

Smithers: Oh my God! Somebody shot Mr. Burns!

There is an awkward silence. Bill coughs.

Hyde: (laughing) Did you know that there's this car that runs on water? IT RUNS ON WATER, MAN!

**3:09 pm**

Morris, Milo and The Rat are eating lunch at a McDonald's restaurant. They are sitting at a table.

Milo: Are you okay, Morris? You seem worse. You did a lot of crap at CTU but nothing like what you just did.

Morris: What are you talking about? I handled myself like a mature adult.

_FLASHBACK_

At CTU, Morris is standing on his desk, screaming and firing a gun into the air.

Morris: EVERYTHING IS GOING WRONG IN MY LIFE! MY MILK AND CEREAL ARE CHEATING ON ME! CHLOE DOESN'T LOVE ME! TYLER PERRY'S LATEST MOVIES SUCK!

Bill: Calm down, Morris! We're all friends here! Just put down the gun and stay calm!

Morris: I AM CALM!

Suddenly, a security guard tasers Morris, making him fall off his desk and down on the ground. Milo and The Rat come to his aid and pick him up.

Milo: We'll be back. He just needs some fresh air. He hasn't been well since Batman and Robin and the bat credit card….

Morris: A BAT CREDIT CARD! I'LL KILL YOU ALL! I'LL MURDER YOU!

The Rat hits him over the head and Morris passes out.

The Rat: We'll take him out to lunch. Meanwhile, all of you should go check out videos that will leave information about the current investigation. See you all in a bit.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Morris: Like I said, I handled it like a mature adult.

Milo: You know who I don't miss? Audrey.

Rat: Oh yeah. That bitch. How is she?

Morris: She's in the hospital. We don't know what they're doing to her.

Milo: I hope they're killing her.

_MEANWHILE_

**3:12 pm**

Audrey is in a hospital room, in a medical coma. She has severe injuries on her head, legs, arms…well, pretty much everywhere. Doctors surround her.

Dr. House: I never knew Chris Brown could do this to Rihanna again.

Chase: Uhhhh, House? That's not Rihanna.

House: It isn't? But she's so black!

Foreman: Those are bruises.

House: Oh well. We can't treat her because she's not interesting. We should send her to top men.

Wilson: No, no, no, House. We are not doing that joke again. It didn't work the first time, it's not going to work again.

House: Fine. But we're still not going to work on her.

Cuddy: (comes in) You are going to make her better. (leaves)

House: Well, you heard the woman with the fine ass. Let's get to work.

House goes on the bed and starts strangling her.

Chase: Uh, House? That's not Cuddy.

House: Oh, right. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's get her to the operation room.

Cut to the operation room where Chase, Wilson and House are at Audrey's side.

Chase: Are you sure you want to do this, House?

House: Of course I'm sure. We can rebuild her! We have the technology.

Wilson: We are good as sued.

_MOMENTS LATER_

Cuddy comes into the viewing room that overlooks the operation room. House and Wilson see Chase and other doctors working on the patient.

Cuddy: House! What are you doing to that patient?

House: We're fixing her. We're rebuilding her.

Cuddy: But that's the wrong patient! She's supposed to get treated for her injuries! She's not supposed to have plastic surgery!

Wilson: Whoops.

_AFTERWARDS_

House and Wilson look at Audrey after her surgery.

House: I let patients die and never felt guilty. She's alive but why?

Wilson: I know you don't like failures, House. But it could be worse.

House: WORSE? LOOK AT HER FACE! SHE LOOKS LIKE-SHE LOOKS LIKE-

Suddenly, Chase comes in the picture and sees the result of the plastic surgery.

Chase: Well, the surgery was a complete success…OH MY GOD! JOAN RIVERS! WHAT? YOU LOOKED LIKE A NORMAL PERSON BEFORE THE-! WHAT THE HELL?

House: Apparently, this patient wasn't supposed to get plastic surgery.

Wilson: Now, she looks like Joan Rivers. What do we do now?

Chase: I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll make sure no one ever sees this face in public. (gets out a shotgun) I'm sorry, Miss, but my career is way too important to ruin with someone like you running around.

Audrey: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!

Audrey gets up and runs away. Chase runs after her and sees that she has run out of the hospital. He gets on a nearby phone.

Chase: Hello, Officer? There's a person who just ran out of the hospital after surgery! Get every single person on the force to find her! Her face looks like Joan Rivers! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU LAUGHING? BE SERIOUS! You'll arrest her? No! I want you to find her and carpet bomb the Hell out of her! WE WILL NOT STAY THE COURSE!

Someone takes the phone out of his hands and yells into the phone.

John Connor: IF WE STAY THE COURSE, WE ARE DEAD! WE ARE ALL DEAD!

_BACK AT THE RESTAURANT _

**3: 19 pm**

Morris: She'll be fine. She always pulls through.

Milo: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

_FLASHBACK_

Audrey is listening to Crazy Frog in her car radio.

Audrey: ! !

Audrey gets a gun and puts it to her head. She pulls the trigger but no bullets come out. Audrey yells as she drives her car off of a cliff, which crashes and explodes.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Morris: That was her sober.

Rat: Things could be worse.

Morris is about to say something but his cell phone rings. He answers it.

Morris: Hello, dahling?

Jack: Morris, it's Jack.

Morris: I know. I see your split screen.

Jack looks over to Morris' split screen.

Jack: Oh right. Listen. Everyone at CTU is in a coma-like state. Put this phone on speaker.

Morris puts the phone on speaker and holds it to Milo and The Rat.

Jack: Listen up, everyone. This whole operation with the President's cookies goes deeper through the rabbit hole than we imagined.

Milo: Ooooh! Rabbit holes are fun!

Jack: Someone slap Milo for me, please?

The Rat slaps Milo on the back of his head.

Milo: OW!

Jack: Thank you. Anyway, someone at CTU told everyone to go online to investigate this crisis further but a movie stopped them dead in their tracks. Whoever told them to do this somehow knew about the effect that it would cause. This person is…a rat.

Rat: Yes, Jack?

Jack: Not you, Rat. We have narrowed the suspects down to three people: Morris, Milo and Chloe.

Chloe: WHAT?

Jack: Nothing! I say she's the prime suspect.

Chloe: I was with you when everyone got into a coma!

Jack: DAMMIT CHLOE! I NEED SOMEONE TO BLAME! Okay, The Rat is a suspect, I guess. Even though he didn't do anything. You guys need to come back to CTU so we can question you….although I still think Chloe is the culprit…CHLOE, PUT ME DOWN! NO WEDGIE! OW! OW! OW! OW! OKAY, YOU'RE NOT A SUSPECT!

Milo: Are you okay?

Jack: Yeah. Just get your asses back here.

Jack then hangs up the phone and Morris puts away his.

Morris: I guess I have to tell him where I've been for the past few minutes.

_FLASHBACK_

Morris is at a desert. He is hitchhiking. A red car passes by him and stops a few feet away from him.

Morris: (looks at the car) I guess that's my ride.

Meanwhile, at the car, a strange man in over sized sunglasses stands on the passenger's seat.

Raoul Duke: We can't stop here! This is Bat Country!

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Milo: You were with us the whole time.

Morris: A girl can dream, can't he?

Rat: (gets up) Well, guys. I have to go make a phone call that doesn't involve me talking to the man involved in all of this that I'm a suspect of being a rat, which I am…NOT! Just letting you guys know that I am the innocent one! It's just an innocent phone call that doesn't involve me asking what I should do if I should be found out that I am the rat…which I am not! You guys stay here, okay! I'll be back after my not-suspicious phone call! (walks away)

Morris: That guy is so cool.

Milo: I know. No wonder Jack didn't want to make him a suspect.

**At the editor's desk.**

Editor: Something doesn't make sense. Jack is making someone he has never met before a suspect? How does that work?

Me: Come on! Who the Hell is going to pick up on that?

Editor: I JUST DID!

Me: You New Yorkers are all alike.

Editor: I. AM. CANADIAN!

Me and Editor hold up beer bottles.

Me: CHEERS!

**Back to the story.**

**3:25 pm**

Saddam and Heath are still watching their own bad movie, Old Dogs. They are laughing hard when Saddam's cell phone rings.

Saddam: Hello?

He realizes that he hadn't answered it. He takes it out of his pocket and answers it.

Saddam: Hello?

Rat: Saddam? It's me, The Rat.

There are split screen between them.

Saddam: What's the word, guy?

Rat: Bad news, Sir. CTU figured out that there is a rat in the investigation and I'm one of them.

Saddam: That's okay. 97% of all the TV stations in the world have been changed to show North all day long.

Rat: That is very good news, sir. There is one more problem: Jack Bauer is alive.

Saddam: Don't worry, Rat. In a few minutes, all the channels will be under my control. And best of all, no one can stop me. Not even… (puts a pinky to his mouth) Austin Powers. MUWAHAHAHAHA! MUWA-

Rat: Yes but what about Jack Bauer.

Saddam: Oh yes, him. He's not going to be much of a threat once stage one is complete. He doesn't have all of the answers and by the time he does, stage two will be in full effect. He will not stop me when that happens.

Rat: Good plan, Sir. I must go back to CTU for questioning.

Saddam: Stay strong, The Rat. They can't pin this one on you. You have served me well.

Rat: I love you, Saddam.

Saddam: You had your chance.

And with that, Saddam hangs up on Rat and sits down with Heath to watch the movie.

Saddam: Soon, Heath, we will rise up and soon, we will control everyone and make them give into our demands.

Silence.

Saddam: (shrugs) Oh yeah. And we'll take over the world.

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

**3: 29 pm**

Jack, Chloe and Bill are watching TV in Bill's office, wearing sunglasses to protect them, of course.

Bill: Almost all the channels are showing North! The world is slowly losing their minds.

Chloe: What channels haven't been affected?

Bill: TBS. (changes channel to TBS) Tyler Perry's House of Payne is showing right now.

Jack: I'd rather watch North. I mean, Tyler Perry ruins comedies by putting dramatic lessons into them. It's like if The Simpsons crossed over with One Tree Hill.

Bill: We can all agree that One Tree Hill wasn't as good when Chad Michael Murray left. Now, back to our investigation…

Chloe: We found out that Goofy was given Presidential permission to carry explosives.

Bill: The President can't give explosives to Disney characters! It's against national security. It goes against the United States of America!

Barney Stinson: It goes against the Bro Code!

Bill: That's right!

Jack: Not unless the President's dead.

Bill: CHENEY IS DEAD?

Cheney: Yeah.

Bill: I didn't hear about this in the news!

Jack: A kid told us.

Bill: Wait a minute. North has taken over ALL of the news stations; therefore, no news can be brought out into the world. How does a kid know about Cheney's death?

_MEANWHILE_

A man is sitting on a chair is smiling, videotaping himself.

Man: That concludes today in Wiki Leaks. My name is Julian Assange.

_BACK AT CTU_

Bill: You know what this means? The person responsible for the North crisis could be behind the deaths of both Logan and Cheney AND the President's cookies!

Chloe: My God! What are we going to do?

Jack: I'll tell you what we're going to do! We're going to kick ass and takes names and I'm all out of names!

Chloe: Jack, you didn't even say that properly.

Jack: Oh. Than I have a better idea.

A few seconds later, the group is in a circle, all of them laughing as smoke fills the room.

Chloe: Jack, this is your best idea EVER!

Jack: I know, Chloe! I know! Ch-LOE! CH-LOW-E! WALL-E! DUDE! MY LIPS ARE MOVING!

Bill: I feel like I have no worries in the world!

Michael Kelso: I see so many colors, man! It's like that one time when I fell out of a moving car and I saw stars, man! I SAW TWEETY BIRD, MAN!

Bill: THAT IS AWESOME!

Jack: Wait. I think I got it! God is dog…spelled BACKWARDS! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Chloe: My mind is officially BLOWN! LAWLS!

Jack: YOU SAID LAWLS!

Chloe: I KNOW!

Kelso: Hey guys! Look, I found a sniper rifle!

Everyone leaves the circle in a panic, leaving Kelso confused.

Kelso: What? It's not loaded. (looks through a window) WOW! I SEE JOHN F. KENNEDY! I wonder if I can see him through this scope! (looks through scope) I wonder if this trigger can make me see closer….

**3: 35 pm**

There is bunch of police officers near a bridge. One of them, who is a Sheriff Deputy, shouts to all of them.

Deputy Sheriff Marshall Gerard: Alright, listen up, people. Our fugitive has been on the run for seventeen minutes. Average foot speed over uneven ground barring injuries is 1 mile since she is a woman. That gives us a radius of two miles. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area. Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles. Your fugitive's name is Audrey….something. Go get her.

Meanwhile, Audrey, still Joan Rivers-faced, is hiding behind some huge shrubs, looking at the police that were going to ambush her.

Audrey: I'm never going to get out of this with the cops on my tail. I got to get out of here.

She turns around…only to see a boy staring at her…Kevin McCallister.

Audrey: Oh sweet Lord in Hell.

The boy slaps his hands on his cheeks and does the obvious.

Kevin: !

The police hear the boy and go to the scream. Audrey quickly runs away.

Police: That's her! She's getting away! Into your cars everyone!

Gerard: I'm going to get that son of a bitch.

Random Officer: She's a woman.

Gerard: My apologies….I'm going to get that son of a bitch.

**3: 38 pm**

Saddam and Heath are still watching their movie.

Saddam: You know what, Heath. Maybe it's not all about world domination. Maybe it's all about spending more time with you. I always loved you. Can you promise you that, no matter how crazy I get, you'll always love me?

Heath blushes and nods his head. Saddam claps his hands and kisses him on the cheek.

Saddam: YAY ME!

_MEANWHILE_

A teenage girl wakes up from her slumber in her rich hotel room bed.

London Tipton: Someone's been stealing from me.

_BACK TO SADDAM_

Saddam: Nothing can stop us now!

Suddenly, the door opens and it is a Security Guard. (not the previous one)

SG: Mr. President, you have a press conference!

Saddam: Damn! I never knew that was ever supposed to happen! Wait a minute. (calls out) THERE ARE REPORTERS OUT THERE? DON'T THEY WATCH TV?

SG: These guys don't watch TV, Sir. They're part of the Democratic Association.

Saddam: Damn. He'll be out in a second! (to himself) Curses! No one else knows that he's dead. I can't cancel the conference. It'll raise too much suspicion. Especially since I'm so close to completing my master plan. Heath, where is the body?

Heath points to Cheney's body which is on the President's desk. Saddam goes up to it.

Saddam: All I have to do is call upon Satan to use Cheney's body to get one step closer to getting what I want. SATAN! SAAAAAAAATAAAAAAANNNNNNNN! (pulls out cell phone) Hello? Oh hi, Satan. Is it okay if I possess Cheney's body for a couple of minutes? Yes, I know I'm not going to handle the body properly, I know the consequences. So, yes? Thank you! (puts away phone) Excellent. I could pull this off like I did with John Travolta.

_FLASHBACK_

John Travolta and his agent are sitting at John's office at home.

Agent: Now, John, your career is red hot right now. But you know what can make it hotter? Battlefield Earth.

John: I don't know. I know the author was a Scientologist but I can't relate to it even though I'm one too.

Agent: But the story doesn't have anything to do with Scientology!

John: I still don't know.

Suddenly, Saddam sneaks into John's office, without John or the agent knowing. Saddam runs into John's back and has complete control of the actor.

Agent: Come on, John! Do it for me! Do it for your wife. Do it for your kid!

John: I have TWO kids.

Agent: Wait until January 2 2009. So, what about the movie?

John then reacts strangely as Saddam NOW has complete control over Travolta's body.

Saddam: I'LL DO IT!

Agent: You will! You've made me so happy!

Saddam: Well, Barbie! We're just getting started!

Agent: Oh, I love you, Ken!

Saddam kisses the agent on the cheek and they both freeze, with smiles on their faces.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: You keep putting the same joke over and over again! Do you have any more ideas?

Me: What about that flashback that you read just now?

Editor: THAT WASN'T FUNNY! IT WAS HORRIBLY TASTELESS!

Me: Like your Mom last night!

Editor: Okay, I'll give you that.

**Back to the story**

_AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE MOMENTS LATER_

There are reporters asking questions to the possessed Cheney, who is Saddam but can't really work Cheney's body movements.

Reporter: Chet Youbetcha, Unknown City News. Weren't you supposed to be dead after your stroke?

Saddam: Well, Minion. Allow me to say that whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger! (falls down and gets back up)

Another reporter asks a question.

Ron Burgundy: The most handsome man on the planet is going to blow your mind with two questions. First question: I am good looking?

Saddam: Yes.

Ron: Thank you very much. (leaves the conference)

Saddam: One last question. I'm a very busy man.

Another reporter asks a question.

Kent: Kent Brockman here! All over the world, people are becoming more and more like zombies and there is no explanation from anywhere? Do you have any thoughts?

Saddam: Well, I'll give you my hypothesis, buddy. (flails his left arm but makes it stop) We're all friends here! (slaps himself) No one would be safe I the President never told the truth, right? (kicks himself)

Kent: You didn't answer my question.

Saddam: Tell you what, friend. All of you should watch at least five minutes of television and see what else you could be reporting. You guys want to ask me about wars, taxes and drugs. Can't you ask me more important things, like: "Why the F*** did more people see The Expendables than Scott Pilgrim?" or "Why don't people think that Chloe is better looking than Kim Kardashian?" I have better things to do than talk to you reporters. If you want more answers, my life story is on CNN in fifteen minutes. I suggest you all go watch it. I must leave. (falls flat on his face and gets back up) Good day.

Kent: But, Mr. President-

Saddam: I said GOOD DAY!

Saddam walks away leaving the reporters stunned.

Kent: I don't understand what we have to lose just to ask him some more-

Suddenly, a weird wacky man shouts to him.

Willy Wonka: YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIR! (walks away)

Kent: Well, I might as well watch his life story. Unethical jackass.

**3: 47 pm**

Milo, Morris and The Rat make it to CTU and go into Bill's office, which has Bill, Chloe and Jack waiting.

Bill: There are sunglasses on the table, put them on so you wouldn't be affected.

The trio put on the sunglasses that were left on a table. Bill flips through the TV.

Bill: As everyone knows, the movie North has been terrorizing the world for a while. You three know that you are suspects, although, it's hard to know which one of you it is since none of you ran away. This just makes the accusations even harder.

Milo: Morris and I have been working for CTU since the beginning! We can't be the rat.

Rat: Did you call me?

Milo: Not you.

Morris: I can't be a suspect either because of the reasons of what Milo just said.

Jack: You guys make very good points. The Rat just got here so there's no way in Hell he could've done it!

Chloe: This is going to take all night! The world is at stake!

Morris: Steak! Where? I'm starving.

Jack: Milo, smack Morris for me.

Milo smacks Morris on the back of the head.

Morris: OW, dahling!

Jack: Thank you, Morris.

Milo: My name is Milo.

Jack: Morris, will you smack Milo for me?

Morris smacks Milo on the back of the head.

Milo: OW!

Jack: Thank you, Milo.

Morris: My name is Morris.

Jack: Niko, please smack Morris on the back on the head.

Niko smacks Morris on the back of the head.

Morris: OW!

Jack: Thank you, Mr. Stroumboulopoulos.

Niko: Tatopoulos.

Jack: Whatever.

Bill: PEOPLE! WE NEED TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS BARRELL!

Chloe: Speaking of bottom of barrels, has anyone heard from Audrey?

Bill: She's in the hospital. Whatever's going on with her, she'll be fine.

Chloe: Whatever, I'm going to take a nap for a few minutes. (sits on a chair and closes her eyes)

**3: 52 pm**

Audrey is in a tunnel, holding a gun she found while running, before she stops at where it ends up: At a waterfall. She worries as she ponders what she is going to do next. Suddenly, a man calls out to her.

Deputy Sheriff Marshall Gerard: Put that gun down!

Audrey turns to the Deputy Sheriff and is surprised.

Deputy Sheriff Marshall Gerard: Put that gun down! Now!

Audrey does what she is told and puts the gun down.

Deputy Sheriff Marshall Gerard: Hands up! Open your hands! Turn around!

Audrey looks at the waterfall behind her and then back to the DS.

Deputy Sheriff Marshall Gerard: Audrey, do you want to get shot?

Audrey: But I'm not Joan Rivers!

Deputy Sheriff Marshall Gerard: I don't care!

Audrey sighs as she puts her hands up, opens them and turns around, facing the waterfall.

Deputy Sheriff Marshall Gerard: Pay attention! Get on your knees! Right now!

Audrey takes deep breaths as the DS walks slowly toward her. She jumps. As she goes heads into the water, she yells.

Audrey: KHAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!

Meanwhile, above the waterfall, a man and a talking llama tied to a branch are headed for the edge of the waterfall.

Pacha: Uh oh.

Kuzco: Don't tell me. We're about to head for a huge waterfall.

Pacha: Yep.

Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom?

Pacha: Most likely.

Kuzco: Bring it on.

The two fall over the waterfall.

Kuzco: BOOOOOOYAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! YEEEEEEEEEEEE!

**3: 55 pm**

There are split screens now. Audrey is swimming to shore, her Joan Rivers face reverting to her older, better face. Saddam is laughing diabolically as more channels are becoming more under his control. Jack and Bill are trying to figure out who the rat is between Milo, Morris and The Rat…by playing Clue.

_MEANWHILE_

Chloe has drifted off to sleep. She is dreaming. She is on a stage in front of red curtains. She is sitting on a chair, looking around. Suddenly, a person appears from behind the curtain: Lisa Simpson. She does an awkward walk to Chloe and stops. She speaks in backwards talk.

Lisa: Chloeeeee! Doooonnnnn'ttt beeeeee obliiiiiviousssssss.

Chloe: Sorry?

Lisa: (pulls out a rodent from the ground) This….is not….a mouse. The cluuuuuuuueeeeee is the rat!

Chloe: What?

Lisa: Raaaaats…areeeeee sneakyyyyyyy. Raaaaaaaat issssss the oneeeeeeee.

Lisa puts down and points to the rodent as it runs circles around Chloe.

Chloe: I don't get what you're saying.

Lisa: Theeeeeee rrrrraaaaaaaattttt issss theeeee maaaaaaaaannnn.

Chloe: I don't follow.

Lisa: (irritated) The rat. The one! The rat! The one!

Chloe: Huh?

Lisa: JESUS CHRIST! THE RAT IS A RAT! JESUS CHRIST! SHEESH!

Chloe snaps out of her dream. Jack is beside her.

Jack: We still don't know who the rat in this is.

Chloe: (gets up) The Rat is the rat! (goes to The Rat) I know you had something to do with ratting out Jack. I know you and Goofy worked for a higher power! I know you are…the rat!

Rat: THAT'S A LIE! I AM NOT THE RAT! I NEVER SET UP JACK! I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH CHENEY'S DEATH! I DON'T KNOW WHO GOOFY IS!

Bill: (suspicious) No one mentioned anything about Cheney's death.

The Rat freezes and shuts his mouth.

Jack: Alright, Mr. Rat! We need to know everything! Don't make me use acting!

The Rat is silent for a moment…then he starts laughing.

Rat: You're too late, Mr. Powers!

Niko: Tatopoulos.

Rat: Whatever! You're too late! You know too much! Now, he is going to be leader of the free world! And there's nothing you can do to stop him!

Jack: Nothing to him, whoever this person is. But I can still kick your ass.

The Rat stops laughing and gulps. The scene freezes.

Narrator: That Rat fellow is sure in a tight spot! Those Duke boys better get there soon. He better not talk before those boys get there…or, he could bite his tongue…or grow some wings.

**3:59:57**

**3:59:58**

**3:59:59**

**4:00:00**

Next time on 24.

Jack and Chloe are on Maury, with another talk show host.

Maury: Chloe O' Brian. We have taken a DNA test to see if Jack's son if also your son.

Maury pulls out an envelope and opens it.

Jack: No matter what happens, I'll still love you, Chloe.

Maury: According to the test, Chloe O'Brian…you are the mother to your son….Conan.

Conan O'Brian comes out from backstage.

Conan: MOMMY! (hugs Chloe)

Jack: (hugs Chloe) Oh we are going to be such a happy family!

Chloe: Oh God. Kill me now!

Then…

Milo and Morris are at a playpen. Morris is in the pit while Morris is calling out to him.

Milo: If you don't get out there, I'll have to drag you out.

Morris: You can try…if you can catch me.

With that, Morris dives into the pin, quickly hiding from sight.

Milo: Oh for God's sake! (goes into the playpen)

Morris: (pops out) BAZINGA! (dives back in)

Milo: (goes to the spot that Morris was) Come here!

Morris: (pops out in another place) BAZINGA! (dives back in)

Milo: (goes to the spot Morris was)

Morris: (pops out in another place) BAZINGA! (dives back in)

Milo: (goes to the spot Morris was)

Sheldon Cooper: (pops up) BAZINGA! (dives back in)

Morris: (pops out in another place) BAZINGA! (dives back in)

Milo: (goes to the spot Morris was)

Then…

Audrey comes back to CTU.

Audrey: I'M BACK!

Bill: SHE MADE A RECOVERY OUT OF NOWHERE! SHE'S A WITCH! (pulls out a wand and points it at her) BEETLEJUICE! BETTLEJUICE!

Finally…

Saddam and Heath watch as every single channel is about to be under their control.

Saddam: First…CTU! Then…America! Then…we will take over the world!

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

That's next on 24.


	9. Chapter 9

DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN ANY 24 CHARACTERS! PLEASE ENJOY OR READ SOMETHING ELSE!

**Previously on 24…**

Jack and Chloe are sitting at a breakfast table at Jack's house, eating.

Jack: I never thought Trix cereal would be this good but wow!

Chloe: I know!

Suddenly, something snatches the cereal from the two of them, causing both people to jump out of their seats.

Trix Bunny: I'VE GOT THE CEREAL! AFTER YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS, I'VE FINALLY GOT THE GODDAMN CEREAL! OOHHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEEEEE!

With that, the bunny runs out of the house. Jack than gets out his cell phone.

Jack: Hello? Mr. President? I would like to place a carpet bomb.

Chloe: Jack, I don't think that's necessary…

Jack: DAMMIT, CHLOE! THE RETARDED VERSION OF BUGS BUNNY HAS GOTTEN OUR CEREAL! TRIX ARE NOT FOR KIDS!

Chloe: But Jack, we're adults.

Jack: (goes back on the phone) And while you're placing requests, I would like to make an arrest. Chloe O'Brian. Yeah, sure you can carpet bomb her too. (hangs up) Hey, Chloe, do you mind getting something at the grocery store?

Chloe: Grrrr.

Then…

The Rat and Bill are watching a movie. The Rat is screaming in pain.

Rat: NOOOOOOOO! STOP THE MOVIE! IT'S SO PAINFUL TO WATCH! PLEASE STOP!

Bill: (turns off movie) I knew it! I knew you couldn't go through one minute of Toy Story 3!

Rat: IT'S NOT MY FAULT! IT'S JUST SO GOOD! KILL ME PLEASE!

Bill: Not until we get through another movie: The Dark Knight.

Rat: I'LL KILL YOU ALL! I'LL KILL YOU! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

After….

Milo and Morris are in Milo's bedroom. Milo comes in wearing a dress.

Milo: Does this make me look fat?

Morris: Let me put it this way. You remind me of Rosie O'Donnell when she did The Flintstones movie.

Milo: Perfect. That role of playing Nicole Richie in the new biopic is as good as mine!

Then…

Audrey is watching Dennis Miller doing standup comedy on television. She then pulls out a pistol and shoots herself.

Finally…

Saddam and Heath are watching another movie.

Saddam: You know, Heath. Batman and Robin is the best superhero movie of all time. I don't care who knows it.

Heath nods as he turns away from his boyfriend and takes a whole bottle of prescription pills. Suddenly, a person comes up beside him.

Dr. House: You stole that from me.

_**The following takes place between 4:00 pm to 5:00 pm.**_

**4: 00 pm**

The Rat is tied up in a chair in the interrogation room. Outside the door are Jack and Bill.

Jack: This guy is tough to crack. He isn't talking.

Bill: We haven't done anything to him yet.

Jack: Oh right. I forgot.

Bill: We need answers. We have to know what he knows.

Jack: You're saying the same thing twice.

Bill: I just like to stall for time.

Jack: Stall for time? What for?

Suddenly, there is a scream. Jack and Bill look run into the room to find Chloe in shock.

Bill: What's wrong?

Chloe points to a corner and the men look at where she was pointing: A dead Goofy.

The Rat: (laughs) He was nobody.

Jack: (goes to Rat) Alright, Mister. I want to know who's responsible for this mess.

Rat: I'm never going to tell you, you American!

Jack: Fine. Chloe, Bill, leave the room, please.

Chloe and Bill leave the room and close the door. Jack unties The Rat.

Jack: Fine, have it your way. But first, I want to play a game. So far in what could loosely be called your life, you've made a living watching others. Society would call you an informant, a snitch…a rat. I call you unworthy of the body you possess; of the life that you've been given….also I call you a rat. Now, we will see if you are worthy to look inward rather than outward to give up the one thing you rely on in order to go on living… your sanity will be tested.

Rat: I've seen a lot of bad things that tested my sanity. I've heard things that could kill a normal person.

Jack: Bill! Bring the television set in here!

Bill brings in a TV, complete with a VCR. The Rat starts laughing as Jack turns on the TV.

The Rat: Are you really serious? EVERYTHING IS AFFECTED BY NORTH! Every channel shows nothing but that movie. EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD IS NORTH!

Jack: That's where you're wrong.

Jack goes into his pocket and pulls a black rectangular shaped object out.

Jack: The only things that won't get affected are VHS tapes.

Rat: YOU'RE MAD, MR POWERS!

Niko: Tatopoulos.

Rat: Whatever. YOU'RE MAD!

Jack: Am I? (puts tape into VCR) Am I? MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Um…a little bit, yes. Enjoy the movie.

The movie starts as the opening credits reveal what it actually is: Wild Wild West.

Rat: ! HOLY F***ING S***! NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO! STOP THIS S*** STOPPER AT ONCE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! FOR THE LOVE OF SATAN!

Jack: Would you rather me put in I, Robot?

Rat: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! KILL ME NOW! PLEASE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! MY EYES ARE GOING TO BLEED! OH MY GOD! OH MY F***ING GOD! MY BRAIN IS SCREWING UP! I CAN'T TALK PROPERLY! I'M MELTING! I'M MELTING! I'M JGHJMXJDHSAUMZJ!

Jack: (grabs him) Give up?

Rat: YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! TURN THE S*** OFF PLEASE!

Jack: How do you plead?

Rat: NOT GUILTY!

Jack: I knew you'd say that! I've read the script.

Jack turns to the VCR to turn off the movie…only one obstacle. No stop button.

Jack: I can't turn it off.

Rat: WHAT? NOOOOOOO! I WANT TO LIVE! LIVE!

Jack: I can't stop it! (presses the pause button) The pause button doesn't work. It's won't pause!

Rat: DESTROY THE TV!

Jack: But it's a rental!

Rat: DESTROY THE VCR! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! PLEASE!

Jack: But it's mine! Couldn't you close your eyes?

Rat: (shuts his eyes) IT'S STILL PLAYING IN MY HEAD! I'M LOSING IT!

Jack: You're going to be fine! What's the worst that can happen?

Rat: !

With that, The Rat explodes. His blood and guts cover the whole room, covering Jack also. Jack is fazed by what just happened.

Jack: Whoa.

His cell phone rings and he answers it.

Jack: Hello?

Neo: F*** off. Get your own word. (hangs up)

Jack: He hasn't been the same since the divorce. I told him I didn't love him anymore… (looks on the top of the VCR) Oh look! A remote for the VCR! (turns off movie with it)

Jack turns to the room and looks around the room. It is filled with The Rat's blood, guts and plenty of bones.

Jack: No one's going to notice anyway.

Jack leaves the room and sees Bill and Chloe waiting for him outside. They both are shocked to see Jack covered in Rat's remains.

Jack: DO NOT…GO IN THERE! WHOO!

He laughs as he looks down his shirt. He then slaps his chest and blood splats out of his shirt.

Jack: (nods) Bill. Chloe.

He walks away from them, leaving Bill and Chloe confused.

**4: 11 pm**

Saddam, in Cheney's body, walks in to the satellite room. He pushes himself out of the body, leaving it to down on the room.

Saddam: So, Heath, how far are we in stage one?

Heath points to all the TVs. Saddam sees that 100% of all the channels are under his control.

Saddam: Excellent.

_MEANWHILE_

Mr. Burns is watching North on his television set, losing brain cells.

Burns: Duuuuuuuuuuh.

_BACK AT THE WHITE HOUSE_

Saddam: Stage one is officially complete. Phase two is in effect. I will now appear on television and tell those people whose boss! And I will control the world! And best of all…no one can stop me! Not even… (puts pinky to his mouth) Austin Powers.

Niko: Tatopoulos.

Saddam: MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Mr. Ledger! Will be kindly help me set up the camera so I can broadcast my message all over the world!

Heath sets up the camera as Saddam realizes something.

Saddam: But that dastardly Powers…

Niko: Tatopoulos.

Saddam: I mean, Bauer….

Niko: Tatopoulos.

Saddam: …and his CTU groupies know about my plan. But don't worry; I'll make sure he doesn't succeed in stopping me! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Heath motions for Saddam in sit behind the President's desk. Saddam sits at the desk. Heath sets up a camera, which is connected to every single TV channel in the world.

Saddam: This is it.

**At the editor's desk.**

Editor: Wait. Is that possible to go on live on EVERY SINGLE CHANNEL in the world?

Me: You know what? I knew you would say that. (gives him a piece of paper)

Editor: (reads it) Okay, THIS makes sense. It's completely stupid but it will do.

**Back to the story...a few seconds early.**

Saddam: You know what, Heath. It kind of hard to do this live with EVERYONE watching. How about we tape this right now and we'll show the tape on television. I don't want to do it live.

Heath shrugs as he gets out a handheld camera and records his boyfriend.

Saddam: Good evening, friends…

**4: 16 pm **

Audrey gets out of the water, soaked. She walks around and finds her way to a road. She sticks her thumb out. Immediately, a car stops a few feet away from her. A man stands on the passenger's seat.

Raoul Duke: We can't stop here! This is Bat Country!

The car backs up and Duke falls back to his seat.

Audrey: ALRIGHT! I'M GETTING A RIDE FROM….

She sees the driver and the passenger: Raoul Duke and Dr. Gonzo.

Duke: You need a lift? (puts a cigarette in his mouth and lights it) Today's your lucky day.

A moment later, Audrey and the two strange men ride away, Audrey sitting in the back seat.

Duke: Do you smoke, Miss?

Audrey: No, that's okay.

Duke: I wasn't talking to you! I was talking to those damn bats! Shoo! Get away, you pesky parasites!

Suddenly, Dr. Gonzo screams.

Gonzo: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? GET AWAY FROM ME!

Gonzo stops the car at the side of the road and flails his arms.

Gonzo: !

Duke: What do you want, you damn bastard?

Gonzo: Medicine! My meds!

Duke: Oh right!

He takes out a pill from the glove compartment, splits it into two and holds it to his companion's nose.

Duke: Breathe, Goddammit!

Gonzo breaths in the pill's contents and calms down. There is silence.

Gonzo: What the f*** is this?

Audrey: Ummm, this is the middle of nowhere.

Gonzo look at Audrey, in a drug fazed look. He goes into the glove compartment and pulls out a small pistol.

Gonzo: THIS IS FOR AMERICA! (shoots the pistol up in the air)

Duke: You said it, soul brother! (goes to the backseat and sits beside Audrey) This is the man right here! Right, Gonzi?

Gonzo: As your attorney, I advise you to call me the man and the man only.

Duke: Right you are!

Duke takes one of Gonzo's pills and inhales the contents of the pills. He zones out for a second.

Duke: (looks at Audrey) You know. Life…is something that is only described as…danger….drugs…SOMEONE'S BEEN GIVING BOOZE TO THESE ANIMALS!

Audrey: Look, I just want to get to CTU!

Gonzo: Why didn't you say so? We will get you there in no time!

The car drives extremely fast.

Audrey: This could end badly.

**4: 20 pm**

Morris and Milo are at co worker's desk, trying to snap them out of their daze. They are using a laser gun.

Milo: Morris, where did you get a laser from?

Morris: Uh, Internet?

_MEANWHILE_

A boy in a pink hat wakes up from sleeping and a pink fairy comes along to see what the matter is.

Wanda: What's the matter, Timmy?

Timmy: I just felt a chill…like someone's been using a recurring joke.

Cosmo: (appears) If you think that's bad, I CAN'T FIND MY NICKEL! PHILLIP! WHERE ARE YOU!

_BACK AT CTU_

Morris: This laser will probably snap them out of their coma-like stance. All we have to do is set the laser to this person's eye and shoot.

Morris points the gun into the worker's left eye and shoots it…

_ONE EXPLOSION LATER…_

Bill, Chloe and Jack, in new clothing, run to see where the explosion came from.

Chloe: OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?

Morris: Erm…YOU ALL SAW IT! HE CAME AT ME WITH A KNIFE!

Jack: MORRIS, YOU IDIOT! HE WAS PAYING ATTENTION TO THE MOVIE! HE CAN'T EVEN BLINK, FROM GOD'S SAKE!

Milo: If it makes you feel better, he was a temp.

Bill: I think I'm going to be sick. Chloe, bathroom.

Chloe: But I'm a woman.

Bill: Oh, I'm sorry. Ummmm, Chloe, may you come with me to the bathroom?

Chloe: Grrrr.

Bill and Chloe head to the MEN's washroom, leaving Jack, Milo and Morris with an unrecognizable body.

Jack: So, did you find out how to break everyone out from the movie slumber?

Milo: We tried laser guns, we tried tasering them, we tried sticking them with fireworks.

Morris: We tried putting a different movie but the computers won't allow us. We tried raping them. We tried making them watch us kiss.

Jack: Anything?

Morris: Nothing.

Milo: I'm so stressed out. What can help me calm down?

A few seconds later, the group is in a circle, all of them laughing as smoke fills the room.

Milo: I feel soooo much better. Soooooooooo gooooooooood!

Jack: I feel hip. Hip! Hi-PUH! HI-PUH! HEE HEE!

Morris: Yeah, I know we're losing brain cells but it's so worth it!

Eric Foreman: I don't care that my Dad's going to kill me. We should remember this moment.

Suddenly, someone appears behind Eric. Morris looks at the person with his mouth wide open. Jack is smiling. Milo looks scared.

Eric: What? What's everyone looking at?

Red Foreman: UPSTAIRS! NOW! (walks away)

Eric: I am in so…much trouble. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

After a quick commercial break, Eric, Milo, Morris and Jack are in Eric's kitchen, sitting on chairs with Red and Kitty Foreman lecturing them.

Red: I can't believe that was what you boys have been doing ALL THESE YEARS!

Eric is blinking his eyes as he sees the walls behind them swerving.

Red: I WISH I HAD 2000 FEET! SO I COULD SHOVE 500 OF THEM IN EACH OF YOUR ASSES!

Milo, feeling the effects of the drugs, thinks that Red and Kitty are right in his face.

Red: DID SOMEONE PUT A VACUUM UP YOUR NOSE AND SUCK OUT YOUR LAST LONELY BRAIN CELL?

Kitty: What is going on in your head?

Milo tries to touch their faces but he falls off of his chair.

Kitty: I am very disappointed in you boys.

Morris looks away from the parents and spots something on the counter: Little Mosque on the Prairie Season One. He starts drooling.

Kitty: And here I thought it was our dryer that made our clothes smell funny!

Jack, meanwhile, is laughing his ass off.

Red: And you! Wipe that stupid grin off your dopey, dopey face!

After saying this, Jack sees MC Hammer come out of nowhere and dances in front of them. He laughs harder.

Kitty: Do you know what drugs do to you? They suck out your brain until they give you enough sense to strip down to your underpants and run around thinking you're Superman.

Jack, still seeing MC Hammer doing the Hammer, laughs even harder.

Red: Oh this idiot doesn't need drugs for that. He does that every Saturday morning.

Jack smiles and nods his head, agreeing.

Red: If I see any of you guys smoking again, I will shove my foot so far up your asses, that your children will have a footprint where their faces should be!

Kitty: A HA HA HA HA HA HA!

**4: 29 pm**

Back at CTU, Bill and Chloe are in the men's washroom. Bill is putting on make-up in front of a mirror while Chloe is beside him.

Bill: So, Jack is so cute isn't he? The way he looked at me told me that he really wanted me!

Chloe: Bill…

Bill: (puts on lipstick) I guess I'm prettier than I thought. There's no other woman for him, only me! I'm a whole LOTTA WOMAN, BABY! (snaps his fingers)

Chloe: Can we talk about something else?

Bill: Fine, sweetie. So what about that Milo chick?

Chloe: (blushes) What about him?

Bill: (looks at Chloe) Oh my God! You have a thing for Milo!

Chloe: I HAD a thing. We were together a couple of times.

Bill: What about Morris?

Chloe: (sighs) We kind of…had…history together. Can we talk about something else?

Bill: Have you seen any good movies lately?

Chloe: Yeah, Black Swan.

Bill: Oh my God! Is it good?

Chloe: I can't explain it so I'll let a professional talk about it.

_IN ANOTHER PLACE_

Chester A. Bum: OH MY GOD! THIS WAS THE BEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! IT'S A MOVIE ABOUT A BALLET, WHICH I LOVE BECAUSE IT IS AT A WARM PLACE AND I LOVE WARM PLACES! SO ANYWAY, IT STARTS OFF WITH NATALIE PORTMAN TRAINING HERSELF IN DANCING! GET THIS! SHE'S A DANCER! I USED TO BE A BALLET DANCER ONCE! There were so many murder suicides that day. SO ANYWAY THIS FRENCH GUY SAID THAT THERE WAS GOING TO BE A PRODUCTION CALLED SWAN LAKE BUT THERE WOULD BE A TWIST! THE LEAD ROLE WOULD BE NOT ONLY A WHITE SWAN BUT A BLACK SWAN! I USED TO BE A SWAN ONCE! The doctors told me otherwise…I really need help. SO SHE TRIES SO HARD TO GET THE ROLE SO SHE PRACTISES CONSISTENTLY AND IT WAS SO MUCH THAT SHE BREAKS A FEW BODY PARTS IN THE PROCESS! MEANWHILE, SHE GETS A RASH THAT GROWS AND HER SKIN BEGINS TO PEEL! LIKE A BANANA! I USED TO BE A BANANA ONCE! BEING A BANANA IS GREAT! IT'S LIKE BEING A SUBMARINE! WAIT, BANANAS AREN'T SUBMARINES, THEY ARE HUMAN BEINGS! SO SHE TRIES TO GET THE ROLE FROM THE FRENCH GUY BUT THEN SHE KISSED HIM! IT WAS THE GREATEST KISS EVER! YAY! I KISSED A FRENCH GUY ONCE! Doctors told me I had a month to live. SO AFTER THAT, SHE FINDS OUT THAT SHE GETS THE PART WHICH PISSES OFF ONE PERSON OFF THE EDGE AND THAT PERSON ENDS UP IN THE HOSPITAL LATER ON! IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH, ANOTHER BALLET DANCER IS MYSTERIOUS AND NATALIE PORTMAN THINKS THAT SHE WANTS HER PART! I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU WHO THE OTHER DANCER IS, YOU HAVE TO WATCH THE MOVIE. SO, JACKIE FROM THAT 70S SHOW IS MADE AN UNDERSTUDY BECAUSE THE FRENCH GUY DOESN'T THINK THAT MRS. PORTMAN CAN HANDLE THE ROLE BECAUSE SHE HAS A GOOD WHITE SWAN BUT SHE HAS TO WORK ON HER BLACK SWAN! SO SHE THROWS HERSELF OFF THE EDGE WITH THE ROLE AND SHE STARTS TO HALLUCINATE MOVING PICTURES AND STARTS SEEING THINGS THAT ARENT THERE AND I'M LIKE: I CAN TOTALLY RELATE! THIS CHARACTER IS MY HERO! HOORAY! I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO SEE THINGS THAT AREN'T THERE BUT I CAN TELL WHAT'S REAL AND WHAT ISN'T! HI JESUS! SHE EVEN PEELS OUT A BLACK FEATHER OUT OF HER SKIN AND I'M LIKE...gross. SHE SEES JACKIE FROM THAT 70'S SHOW MAKING OUT WITH THE FRENCH GUY AND HE TURNS INTO A MONSTER AND I'M LIKE: I CAN RELATE! THERE'S THIS LESBIAN SCENE, THIS PARTY SCENE AND THIS SCENE AT THE HOSPITAL WHERE SHE IS VISITING SOMEBODY AND THE PATIENT STABS HER OWN FACE WITH A KNIFE AND PORTMAN RUNS AWAY TO AN ELEVATOR ONLY WHEN SHE GETS THERE, SHE SEES THAT THE BLOODY KNIFE IS IN HER HAND! I HAD SOMETHING LIKE THAT HAPPEN TO ME ONCE! Mother, I'm sorry. SO ANYWAY, SHE STARTS TRIPPING OUT SOME MORE AND I THOUGHT I WAS ON DRUGS! THEN I REALIZED THAT I WASN'T AND IT WAS SO AWESOME! IT WAS THE BEST THING THAT I'VE SEEN IN MY LIFE! SO SHE GETS SICK ON THE NIGHT OF THE PERFORMANCE AND JACKIE IS TAKING HER PLACE! BUT SHE ENDS UP GOING AND MAKING IT FOR THE PLAY! IN THE FIRST ACT, ONE OF THE DANCERS LIFTS HER, DROPS HER AND WHEN THE CURTAIN DROPS, SHE CRIES AND GOES INTO HER DRESSING ROOM! I WAS LIKE THAT ONCE! ONLY INSTEAD OF A DRESSING ROOM, IT WAS A CARDBOARD BOX, which is very roomy, by the way! THEN, SHE FINDS JACKIE IN HER DRESSING ROOM AND AFTER A SERIES OF CONVERSATIONS; SHE BREAKS A MIRROR AND STABS JACKIE WITH A PIECE OF GLASS AND SHE DIES! I'M LIKE NOOOOOOOOO! YOU KILLED JACKIE! YOU WILL ALL DIE! SO SHE HIDES THE BODY AND GOES BACK TO THE BALLET AS THE BLACK SWAN AND IN THE MIDDLE OF IT, SHE TURNS INTO A BLACK SWAN BECAUSE OF THE RASH THAT GOT BIGGER AND I WAS LIKE: THIS IS THE BEST PART I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! THEN, SHE KISSED THE FRENCH GUY AGAIN AND I'M LIKE: THIS IS THE BEST PART I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! THEN SHE GOES TO HER DRESSING ROOM TO GET READY FOR HER WHITE SWAN PART OF THE PLAY, WHEN SHE OPENS HER DOOR AND SEES THAT JACKIE IS ALIVE AND WELL AND I'M LIKE: HOORAY! But wait…if she didn't kill Jackie and her mirror is still broken, that means IT WAS ANOTHER HALLUCINATION AND SHE STABBED HERSELF…don't know how that happens. SO, SHE GOES OUT TO THE FINAL PART OF THE PLAY AND AT THE END OF THE PLAY, SHE'S BLEEDING OUT AND SHE SAYS SHE WAS PERFECT! AND THEN SHE DIES! AND I'M LIKE…wow. That was unexpected. It's kind of sad, really. So, overall, what do I think of this movie? I THOUGHT IT WAS THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! Okay, a few moments of it slipped my mind…BUT I WAS ON DRUGS! Wait…no I wasn't. BUT IT WAS SO AMAZING! WHY? BECAUSE IT WAS SHOWN IN A VERY, VERY WARM BUILDING! In conclusion, this is Chester A. Bum saying…CHANGE! YOU GOT CHANGE? OH, COME ON HELP A GUY OUT WILL YA? COME ON CHANGE! I'LL MAKE SURE THEY DO A SEQUEL! IF YOU GIVE ME CHANGE, I'LL MAKE A BLACK SWAN 2! WITH BUMS!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: What was the point of that?

Me: Oh, nothing. It's a good movie.

Editor: It is! I know!

Me: It takes the ballet and makes it even MORE interesting!

Editor: Yeah! More people should see Black Swan, not that torture of a movie called The Tourist.

Me: Thank you! (gives Editor a high five)

**Back to the story**

At CTU, Chloe nods her head.

Chloe: I should really see the movie.

Bill: You should. Like Easy A, it's a really good movie.

Suddenly, the washroom door opens and in comes Morris and Milo.

Morris: YOU SLEPT WITH MILO, DIDN'T YOU?

Chloe: (shocked) But that was a long time ago! I only told Bill! How did you know about this? Milo?

Milo: I swear to God I didn't tell him.

Morris: How I know is not important. (shoves script deeper into his back pocket) What is important is if you love him?

Milo: Look, don't worry about it, man. (pats Morris's arm)

Morris: Don't touch me, mother f***er. Get out.

Milo and Morris arm wrestle each other in the air but Chloe breaks them up.

Chloe: Stop it!

Morris pulls away while Milo falls against the bathroom door.

Chloe: You two are acting like children!

Milo: (stands up) You son of a bitch!

Chloe: You ruined the party, Morris!

Bill: WHAT? WHAT PARTY?

Milo: If you kept your girl satisfied, she wouldn't have come to me!

Morris: (takes off his shirt) Get out my house! I kill you and break every bone in you body!

Milo and Morris arm wrestle in the air again.

Bill breaks them up.

Morris: I kill you, you baster!

Milo: You couldn't kill me if you tried!

Morris: You betray me! You not good, you! You just a chicken! Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheeeeep, cheeeeep!

Milo runs to Morris and, again, they arm wrestle in the air. Bill breaks them up.

Bill: It's over!

Morris: Shut up!

Bill: It's over!

Morris: I SAID SHADDUP!

Bill: It's over!

Morris: It's naht over! Everyone betray me! I fed up with this wurld! (gets out of the bathroom)

Bill: Does he know how to say world properly?

Tommy Wisseau: I like how he tauks! Let's go eat huh? (grabs an object) Football! Go long! (throws it and it breaks a window) HAHAHAHAHA!

**4: 40 pm**

Jack is sitting is in Bill's office, watching North with his glasses on. Bill and Chloe come in.

Jack: This movie is so stupid, my God!

Bill: (puts on his glasses) They couldn't afford Hudson Hawk so they went with the next worst thing.

Chloe: (puts on her glasses) There has to be something we can do to save Earth!

Suddenly, the movie stops and the picture changes. A man in sitting behind the President's desk. Jack, Bill and Chloe gasp at who it is.

Saddam: Hello, planet Earth. I am your fearless leader, Saddam Hussein. I can also be your buddy, friend! Due to the problems with your other Presidents involving death, I will be your President! As President, I have the power to control you! You are my little pets and I tell you what to do! Isn't that just wonderful?

Jack: No.

Saddam: I HEARD THAT! Anyways, there are a few people who refuse to bow down to me! BRING ME THE HEADS OF THOSE STILL WITH MINDS AT CTU AND BRING ME JACK BAUER…ALIVE! GO, MY MINIONS! GOOOOOOO!

The trio in the room looks over the main office and sees everyone standing up, simultaneously. They slowly walk toward Bill's office.

Bill: Oh God! THEY'RE GOING TO KILL US!

Jack: I don't know what YOU are talking about! They're going to keep me alive!

Chloe: For something worse than death!

Jack: OH MY GOD! THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE ME WATCH STEEL AND KAZAAM? (goes under Bill's desk and pulls out a rocket launcher)

Bill: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? YOU CAN'T USE THAT HERE!

Jack: THEY'RE NOT GOING TO TAKE ME OUT ALIVE…wait, they are. That was the plan.

Chloe: I got to call Milo and Morris!

Chloe gets her cell phone and makes a phone call.

_MEANWHILE_

Morris and Milo and sitting in the bathroom.

Milo: Okay, so we agree…Chloe is a slut.

Morris: Well said.

Milo's cell phone rings and he answers it.

Milo: Hello?

Chloe: MILO! EVERYONE IS GOING TO KILL US! SADDAM IS THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD AND HE'S ORDERING THE WHOLE WORLD TO KILL US!

Milo: Does that include you?

Chloe: YES!

Milo: Then f*** you, slut!

Bill: MILO! MORRIS! HELP!

Milo puts his phone on speaker and holds it to Morris.

Bill: WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE! WE'RE IN MY OFFICE! THEY'RE COMING UP THE STAIRS! THEY'RE LIKE THOSE HUMANS THAT ARE DEAD BUT THEY COME BACK TO LIFE AND BITE HUMANS AND THEY KILL AND THEY ARE ALL EVIL! I THINK THEY'RE CALLED THE VIEW!

Morris: WE HAVE GOT TO HELP THEM! WHAT DO WE DO! WHAT DO WE DO?

Milo: (in the fetal position) I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS!

_MEANWHILE_

At Bill's office

Jack: YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO TAKE ME OUT ALIVE!

Jack aims the rocket launcher at the brainless CTU workers.

Bill: WAIT! THINK OF THE CHILDREN! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

Jack: NEVER!

Jack aims the huge gun and pushes the trigger…but nothing happens.

Jack: What the Hell? What's going…oh yeah…

_FLASHBACK_

Jack is on a baseball field with another person, holding Bill's rocket launcher.

Jack: Hi, my name is Jack Bauer and I'm going to be shot with a rocket launcher! You ready, Johnny?

Johnny Knoxville: READY, JACK!

Jack, with no protection, braces for the rocket launcher.

Jack: I am the mind freak. I am the mind freak. I am…

_MOMENTS LATER_

Jack: MY F***ING ORGANS! OH MY GOD! HOLY S***! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Johnny: Don't worry! We'll get you to a hospital! (kicks Jack) HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Jack: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Bender: (comes out of nowhere) BAM! (runs away)

_END OF FLASHBACK_

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: You critically injured the main character of this show! What's wrong with you?

Me: Not guilty!

Editor: That doesn't make any sense!

Me: I knew you'd say that.

Editor: What the Hell is wrong with you?

Me: I am… MINDFREAK! MINDFREAK! MINDFREAK! Are you ready?

Editor: (stares for a few seconds) Get the f*** out of my office.

**Back to the story**

Bill: WE'RE DOOMED I TELL YOU! DOOMED!

Jack goes on his knees and prays.

Jack: Dear "God", save us from this horrible place. It is most unpleasant. Saddam's people are coming up to get us! WE DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO BLOCK THE DOOR! They are slowly, and unimpressively, coming to get us! What I'm trying to say is…WE NEED YOUR HELP!

Suddenly, there is a loud noise coming from the front entrance. A red car drives through the office, running over all the CTU workers working for Saddam. It stops in front of Bill's office.

Raoul Duke: Well, here you are. We made it in one piece.

The car's bumper comes off as Audrey gets out of the car and throws up on the ground.

Bill: AW CRAP! I JUST GOT THAT FLOOR FURNISHED!

Audrey: Thanks for the ride!

Gonzo: Anytime, Sir!

Duke: (slaps Gonzo) Come on, you fat bastard! Let's go do that report!

The two strange men drive off, nearly hitting Milo and Morris who see Audrey.

Milo and Morris: AW S***!

Everyone goes to Audrey.

Jack: Audrey! We thought you were dead!

Bill: At least we were hoping you were.

Audrey: I'm fine. I was freaked out at first but I'm okay. Through all the trouble, I'm okay.

Milo: Really? You were beaten nearly to death! Don't you feel angry?

Audrey: No, I feel perfect! I'm just glad to be okay. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to photocopy a report.

Audrey takes out a piece of folder paper and goes to a photocopier, not realizing that the whole CTU is completely destroyed. She turns on the machine and sets up how many copies she wants. The machine flashes red words: Out of toner.

_MOMENTS LATER_

Audrey: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ALL! STAY BACK! STAY BACK!

Audrey is on top of a desk, holding a pistol to the CTU workers.

Jack: Calm down! There's another photocopier just over there…

Audrey: BUT IT'S ALL THE WAY AT THE END OF THE OFFICE!

Morris: Dahling, please!

Audrey: GET AWAY FROM ME! PLEASE! YOU ARE ALL AGAINST ME! YOU ALL HATE ME! YOU ALL….AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Audrey starts shaking violently and falls off the desk face first. They all look to see Morris, holding a taser gun.

Morris: Well…that's my mama! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Nobody laughs. After an awkward moment, Morris walks away.

**4: 50 pm**

At the White House, Saddam and Heath finish watching the public service announcement.

Saddam: Excellent! Stage two is set in motion! CTU will be finished and I will take over the world!

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Saddam: We will rule! I will be a better ruler than Logan! An even better ruler than Cheney! And the best part of all is…no one can stop me. Not even… (puts pinky to his mouth) Austin Powers!

Niko: Tatopoulos.

Saddam: MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The Security Guard comes in the room, completely under Saddam's control.

Saddam: Is CTU destroyed?

SG shakes his head, slowly. Saddam hits his fist on his knees.

Saddam: No matter. There's no way they can get here to stop me! My plan is fool proof! 100% of all the channels in the world are ruled by me! I have control over everyone! There are only a handful of people at CTU who aren't under my control. But Jack Bauer is the one I want…and I will get him. He will die. I will destroy him worse than All About Steve destroyed comedy! Find Jack Bauer and bring him to me! And kill who stand in the way! For this pointless scene WILL MAKE SENSE! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA! Besides, I have a way to push them over the edge…

**4: 55 pm**

Saddam is laughing at the air…still. Duke and Gonzo are doing drugs and zoning out while driving. The world is still watching North.

At CTU, the gang gathers together, with Audrey who is passed out in a corner.

Chloe: This whole thing has gotten out of control! What do we do!

Jack: I guess we have to go to Saddam ourselves.

Milo: But isn't it a trap?

Bill: Maybe, but we have no choice in this matter. I guess Jack going to Saddam is the plan.

Jack: WAIT, WHY ME?

Bill: Because you're the main character.

Jack: That wasn't in the contract!

Milo: Yes, it was! You have to go, the script says so…I mean, it's your duty!

Morris: I have a suggestion, dahlings!

Chloe: Oh dear Lord…

Morris: What if we bring Saddam to us?

Jack: How?

_MOMENTS LATER_

A big pile of fish is laid in front of CTU. Morris dumps the last batch of it into the pile. Meanwhile, Jack and another person look at the sight of fish. The person turns to Jack.

Niko: That's a lot of fish.

Jack looks at Niko for a second and then looks back to the fish.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (stares at Niko's line) What? (puts script down) That's a lot of… (buries his face into his hands) That's a lot of… (looks up from his hands) What the Hell is that supposed to be?

Me: It's a joke, Sir. Get it? They look at the pile of fish and Niko says, "That's a lot of fish."

Editor: That's a lot of stupid.

Me: Fine, here's a rewrite. (gives Editor a piece of paper)

**Back to the story**

A big pile of fish is laid in front of CTU. Morris dumps the last batch of it into the pile. Meanwhile, Jack and another person look at the sight of fish. The person turns to Jack.

Niko: Something smells fishy around here!

Jack looks at Niko for a second and then looks back to the fish.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Try again.

Me: Fine. (gives him another piece of paper)

**Back to the story**

A big pile of fish is laid in front of CTU. Morris dumps the last batch of it into the pile. Meanwhile, Jack and another person look at the sight of fish. The person turns to Jack.

Niko: I have a fishy feeling about this.

Jack looks at Niko for a second and then looks back to the fish.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (chuckles) You can do better. That was garbage!

Me: Fine: (hands him ANOTHER piece of paper)

**Back to the story**

A big pile of fish is laid in front of CTU. Morris dumps the last batch of it into the pile. Meanwhile, Jack and another person look at the sight of fish. The person turns to Jack.

Miko: POPPITY POP POP POP!

Jack looks at Niko for a second and then looks back to the fish.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: You're not even trying anymore, are you?

Me: That's why they call me Stephen King!

**Back to the story**

Chloe: This isn't going to work, Morris.

Morris: What's not going to work?

Bill: Luring Saddam with a pile of fish. How stupid is that?

Morris: I know. I just wanted attention.

Suddenly, delivery truck stops in front of CTU. A man comes out of the truck, holding a package. Everyone is looking at the man as he put the box on the ground in front of them.

Jack: Should we sign for this?

The man doesn't answer as he goes back to his truck and drives away. Everyone is staring at the box.

Jack: What's in the box?

Chloe: What's in the box?

Morris: The box! The box! WHAT THE HELL IS IN THE BOX!

Milo: WHAT'S IN THE BOX, BILL?

Bill: WHAT'S IN THE BOX, MILO?

Jack: WHAT'S IN THE BOX?

David Mills: OH, WHAT'S IN THE BOX?

Jack: EVERYBODY! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT THE HELL UP! I'll handle this.

Jack pulls out a small knife and cuts the top of it open.

Jack: There's blood.

Jack opens it some more, the smell becoming more putrid and the more he opened it, the more blood was in it. Finally, he opened the last fold….and gasped.

Jack: Oh my God.

_AT THE SAME TIME_

Saddam: When they are over the edge, they can't think properly. They won't comprehend what will happen next…

_AT CTU_

Chloe slowly walks over to Jack, who is as white as a ghost.

Chloe: Jack, what's wrong?

Jack points at the box.

_AT THE SAME TIME_

Saddam: And they'll know to respect me…or pay the consequences.

_AT CTU_

Chloe looks in the box and screams. Milo, Morris and Bill rush to the bloody box to see what's inside…and gasp.

Milo: How the Hell is this possible? (takes out script and scans through it) It doesn't make any sense.

Morris: This is twisted. This is not fun and games anymore.

Bill: I don't know how she ended up in this mess. She was inside! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!

They all stare inside the box in silence as they are shocked at what it contains: Audrey's head.

**4:59:57**

**4:59:58**

**4:59:59**

**5:00:00**

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (staring at the script, shocked) What the Hell? Why the…why did you do that?

Me: Audrey was on my last nerve.

Editor: BUT ISN'T THIS SUPPOSED TO BE A PARODY OF A SHOW!

Me: Yes! That's why I killed off Audrey…because it was funny!

Editor: You are the biggest idiot ever! I would fire you right now…if there weren't many, many, many chapters left.

Me: And because you love me!

Editor: NOT OUT LOUD, YOU DUMBASS!

A man comes in.

Red Foreman: THAT'S MY WORD! (gets out a shotgun) PREPARE TO DIE!

Editor: This isn't happening.

Me: Oh, it isn't. It's just a figment of your imagination.

Editor: Then how come you can see him too?

Me: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..

Next time on 24.

Jack, Chloe, Milo and Morris are at Audrey's funeral.

Jack: We now remember Audrey, the woman who did absolutely nothing. Now, we shall celebrate….

Milo: PARTY!

The gang parties on Audrey's tombstone.

Finally…

Saddam and Heath are watching a movie.

Saddam: This is a nice movie. I don't know why not enough people heard of the movie, "Watching The Detectives"? It's a legit movie!

Heath smiles and turns away. He is about to take some pills but realizes that Saddam is right, shrugs his shoulders and watches the movie.

That's next on 24…..

Miko: That's a lot of fish.

Bison: (turns around) Of course!


	10. Chapter 10

DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN ANY 24 CHARACTERS! PLEASE ENJOY OR READ SOMETHING ELSE!

**Previously on 24…**

Jack and Chloe are stick figures in a cartoon.

Jack: Listen to me, Chloe! They're all aliens! Aliens from…

Chloe: Don't say it, Jack!

Jack: Uranus!

Chloe: Real mature.

Then…

Bill and Morris are in a lab. Bill is strapped on a table with a laser going towards him.

Bill: Do you expect me to talk?

Morris: No, I expect you to die.

Bill: Is this a black thing?

After…

Saddam has received his Oscar for best actor and he is on stage, reading his acceptance speech.

Saddam: There are so many people I would like to thank! I'd like to thank Canada for letting me shoot there! I'd also like to thank Hitler and…

Suddenly, someone comes on stage.

Kanye West: Yo, listen! Ima real happy for ya! And Ima let you finish! But Tom Green had one of the greatest performances of all time! The greatest of all time!

And with that, Mr. West shrugs his shoulders and walks off stage, the crowd booing him.

Saddam: Um…uhhh…well…WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Finally…

Milo is in a school library, on a Saturday.

Milo: My Dad is always smoke up, Milo! They're grrrrrrrreat!

Tony The Tiger: I'm so going to kill you.

_**The following takes place between 5:00 pm to 6:00 pm.**_

**5:00 pm**

At CTU, the team is sitting in Bill's office, pondering what they had just seen.

Bill: I can't believe it. She's actually dead.

Jack: I wanted her dead but not like this. NOT LIKE THIS!

Chloe: People, we have to pull ourselves together! We will somewhat avenge her death…or whatever.

Milo: It's so clear that the writer of this story hates Audrey.

Chloe: You're kind of right. I have to make a phone call to Audrey parents, excuse me.

Chloe takes out her cell phone and walks away from the group.

Morris: How do we bounce back from this?

A few seconds later, the group is in a circle, all of them laughing as smoke fills the room.

Jack: You know? This joke has been done to death…death. Oh my God! I see death! HA HA HA!

Morris: You know, Jack? Chloe probably isn't dead. It's probably a publicity stunt.

Jack: For what?

Morris: Uhhhh…the government, duh.

Milo: (eating a bag of chips) Why is it that chips taste so good now that we're together?

Bill: Dude…I'm floating.

Milo: I know…you're standing too.

Bill: Oh yeah! (laughs and sits down)

Jack: You know, I can't help but forget something. (pulls out Audrey's head and rubs it) I FEEL that I'm forgetting something.

Chloe: (comes in) WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

Jack: OH NO! THE COPS! (pulls out a gun and shoots himself)

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: How many brain cells have you lost while writing this story?

Me: Don't blame me. I watched The Green Hornet.

Editor: So?

Me: In 3D.

Editor: Okay…I apologize. I'm going to recommend you to my doctor. This is serious.

Me: What? Me seeing the movie in 3D?

Editor: No, you thinking that you could write a good story. You writing a good story is like Carrot Top doing a dramatic piece.

Me: Well…that's my mama!

Editor: (gets out a pistol) I'm going to count to three…

**Back to the story a few seconds early**

Chloe: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

Jack: OH NO! THE COPS!

Morris: Uh, Jack? Chloe is part of CTU.

Jack: OH NO! CTU!

Chloe: People! We have to get back to work! Saddam is trying to kill us! Audrey was only the beginning!

Milo: Awww, crap! There's more of this crap! Does this mean that I'll die too?

Everyone stares at Milo, awkwardly.

Bill: I don't know what you're talking about but I'm not in any danger.

Everyone stares at Bill, awkwardly.

Chloe: People, Saddam has taken over all the signals! We have to find a way to get them back to normal without him knowing.

Morris: I know what to do!

Chloe: No fish.

Morris: No, I have a better idea!

Chloe: NO FISH!

Morris: Fine.

Bill: I have an idea. We can use one of our own protected signals to jam Saddam's.

Chloe: WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU'RE TELLING US THAT WE HAD OUR OWN PROTECTED SIGNALS AND WE HAD TO MAKE EVERYONE ELSE SUFFER?

Bill: It was for emergencies.

Chloe: THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!

Bill: I know, right?

Chloe: People have died in this place because you didn't use the damn signal!

Bill: Well, what do you expect? I was stoned most of the time!

Jack: Wait, why didn't you tell anyone at CTU about the signal?

Bill: Yeah…I didn't fully think this through.

Chloe: Okay, use the signal, you moron.

Bill: Hey, that's the name my doctor gave me this morning!

Milo: You were with us this morning.

Bill: Oh, then who was I talking to?

_FLASHBACK_

Dr. Doolittle: Okay, I'm going to tell you this for the last time. No more lobster, you moron.

Bill: But it's so delicious!

Dr. Doolittle: You know that you're allergic, right?

Bill: Whatever. (takes a lobster claw out of his pocket and eats it)

Dr. Doolittle: (speaks on intercom) Bring in the "Special Needs" medicine.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Chloe: Congratulations, Morris. You have officially become the second stupidest person here.

Bill: That's a relief! For a minute, I thought I was the stupidest person here. You know, with the whole signal thing!

Chloe: I never knew anyone else had less brain cells than when Morris is drunk but this is something.

Bill: I know! Now, who is the stupidest person here?

Chloe: Jack, I might need your gun.

Jack: Why? I had it since I was a little girl!

Chloe: I need it to shoot Bill…wait, what? Never mind. Bill, just use the jamming signal, you moron.

Bill: (gives her thumbs up) You got it, dude!

**5: 12 pm**

Saddam is laughing as he is drunk after celebrating his victory.

Saddam: They will have to come here…they…are…iiiiddioooots! Whhhhhhyyyyyyyy iiiizzzzz the rooooom spinning and spinning and spinning?

Saddam lazily looks at all the television stations and laughs as they all are showing North.

Saddam: Well, Heath! It looks like the whole world is against CTU! With one of their own dead, they have to give up…or die! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA! Heath! We are gonna be aaaaaaalllllllllll riiiiiiiiiight! SECURITY!

As Saddam is throwing up on the floor, a brainwashed Security Guard comes into the room, awaiting orders.

Saddam: Make sure you…hic….kill anyone else who is against me! Surely, there are more people who want me dead than CTU! Although, you don't know that, you blustering idiot! Anyone with brains can do your job! And before you learned how to SPELL YOUR NAME! I learned to CONQUER GALAXIES! I didn't land some cushy job, like that hack the world calls Sarah Palin. Waaaaaait a minute! She was already dumb BEFORE we showed North….find and kill Sarah Palin. She's probably not affected by the movie. She's probably in that place with all that snow all year long….what was the place? Oh yeah! Canada! The weakest place on Earth! MUWAHAHAHAHA! MUWAHAHAHAHA!

The Security Guard leaves the room as Saddam lies on the floor.

Saddam: Nothing can stop me now!

Heath then taps him on the shoulder and points to one of the TVs. Saddam looks to where he's is pointing and sobers up quickly.

Saddam: One of the signals appears to be…jammed!

Saddam goes to the jammed television and sees jam pouring out of the screen. He wipes some of it off with his finger and licks it.

Saddam: RASPBERRY! I HATE RASPBERRY! Only one person would DARE give me the raspberry. (puts on a big black helmet and his voice changes) LONE STAR!

**5: 19 pm**

Back at CTU, Chloe is strangling Bill's neck and everyone else is trying to get her off.

Chloe: THE JAMMING SIGNAL JUST USES JAM TO JAM SIGNALS? ARE YOU F***ING STUPID?

Bill: Yes. Yes, I'm not.

Chloe: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

Jack: We need him! We don't need another dead person at CTU.

Milo: Other than the fact that 98% of the people who worked here are dead but that's beside the point.

Morris: Shut up, you shouldn't be talking….seriously, you shouldn't.

Chloe finally gets pulled off of Bill.

Chloe: Okay, okay. I'm fine.

Morris: We need to have peace toward us. We need to work together in order to defeat Saddam. We need honesty, we need….

Chloe: A bat credit card.

Morris: A BAT CREDIT CARD? I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU! (gets pistol and shoots the air) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Jack: Oooooookay. Now that one of Saddam's signals is jammed….Ha ha, I just got that….one of the channels isn't affected by North, therefore, whoever was on that certain channel should be back to normal.

Bill: Great. Now all we have to do is….

Chloe: NO, SHUT THE F*** UP! Sorry, continue.

Bill: All we have to do is jam more signals or else Saddam will do his worst!

Morris: What's worse than showing North to the whole world in every form of videos and television and making them under your control?

Bill: He will take over the world.

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Milo: And he'll make the whole world his own personal circus!

Morris: OOOHHHH! A circus! Will there be clowns! I love clowns…except that one clown…

_FLASHBACK_

Morris is in a library, talking to a librarian.

Morris: Excuse me. I'm trying to look for a certain book called "Straight Man Sex for Dummies".

Librarian: Alright, just a minute.

Morris: Thank you!

He turns around to see a person with red clown hair, a white face, and a clown costume.

IT: Excuse me! Do you have Prince Albert in a can? You do? Well, you better let the poor guy out then! A HA A HA A HA A HA!

IT pulls out a balloon and Morris starts screaming.

Morris: BALLOOOOOOOON! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

IT then passes the floating balloon to Morris.

Morris: THE BALLOON IS COMING CLOSER! IT'S GOING TO KILL ME!

IT: Oh, they float. They all float.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Everyone is staring at Morris.

Chloe: I still stand by my statement. Bill is still the stupidest person here.

Morris: Dammit!

Jack: I could make you lose a few brain cells if you don't stop using my word!

Milo: People! We need to save Earth! We can't do it here!

Bill: He's right. We can't have an orgy in CTU….at least not now anyway.

Morris: Dahling, I think he was talking about SAVING Earth, not repopulating it.

Bill: I just wanted attention. Come on! (waves hands in front of Morris's face) FOOTBALL!

Jack: How are we going to jam ALL the signals?

Chloe: We will have to hit it at the source.

Morris: I SMELL ROAD TRIP! Let's do a montage….

All: NO!

Morris: What? It's going to be from the 90s!

Jack: OH SWEET GOD! DON'T SAY ANYMORE!

Chloe: The main source of North is at the White House, where Saddam is.

Milo: How do you know where Saddam is?

Chloe: First of all, the video that Saddam declared himself leader of the free world, he clearly was in the President's chair. Second, ALL major plot points are at the White House.

Jack: Oh yeah.

Bill: One of us will have to go to the White House to disrupt the signal.

Milo: I volunteer…Jack goes.

Morris: I second that motion.

Jack: I agree on this….hey, wait a minute…

Bill: Jack, we need you to save the world….again. Can't you do it again?

Jack: I dunno, CAN I?

Bill: (sighs) WILL you do it again?

Jack: I only like you as a friend, Bill.

Bill: JACK!

Jack: Alright, I'll save the world. But how do I get to the White House?

Morris: A montage, of course!

Chloe: Urge to kill…rising.

**5: 26 pm**

_Back at the household…after a while._

The family is still looking at the television set, mindless. Suddenly, the evil movie stops showing and the channel changes into a black screen. A few moments later, the family snaps out of it.

Father: What happened?

Kid #1: MOMMY!

The father and his two kids rush over to their fallen heroine, who is passed out and losing blood from the gunshot wound.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Wait a minute. The mother has been passed out for at least three hours…AND SHE'S STILL ALIVE? That is just stupid.

Me: Just keep reading.

**Back to the story**

The father shakes his wife.

Father: Honey! Wake up! Please wake up!

The mother slowly wakes up.

Mother: Heeeeeeeeeeey.

Father: You're hurt! We have to get you help.

Mother: It's too late….

Father: No, it's not. You've got a family that loves you.

Mother: I know. That's why I watch The Cosby Show every day.

Father: I meant us!

Mother: Oh yes. You guys too.

Father: Don't die on us! You can get through this!

Mother: I'm sorry. You guys can go on without me.

Father: Don't die. I don't know how to work the dishwasher.

Mother: Rosebud.

And with that, the mother dies. The father and kids stare at her, silent.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: You're an idiot. This is supposed to be a PARODY!

Me: I know. Fictional people dying are hilarious!

Editor: This story is like John Travolta's career. It started off good, like Saturday Night Fever but it's going to end up like Old Dogs…or Battlefield Earth.

Me: I thought you were going for Andy Dick's career.

Editor: Andy Dick has a career?

**Back to the story**

**5: 30 pm**

Saddam is walking in circles, finding out that one of the channels has been jammed, therefore, has to get it fixed.

Saddam: Blast! I need all the channels for world domination! But, that'll happen soon enough! The jamming signal is only temporary! When that signal clears, that one channel will show North and my plan will be back on track! It's such a perfect plan! There's no WAY it could backfire! Heath, come dance with me!

Heath runs into Saddam's arms and they start dancing. They do the tango, the Macarena and the dance to the Friends theme song. A small man in an orange afro starts singing and Saddam does the moonwalk….and ends up backing into a random old man. This frustrates Saddam.

Saddam: NO! You threw off my groove!

The Security Guard, still under control, goes to the old man.

SG: I'm sorry but you've thrown off Saddam's groove.

With that, he lifts up the old man and throws him through a window.

Old Man: !

After a few seconds of silence, Saddam turns back to the small afro man.

Saddam: You were singing?

Man: WHAT'S HIS NAME? SADDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMM!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Will ANYONE get this reference?

Me: Probably not. I thought it was funny.

**5: 35 pm**

Bill and Jack are driving on an empty road.

Jack: Uh, Bill? Where are we going?

Bill: We need you to get to the White House to stop Saddam. Boy, out of all the words that I've ever said in my life…

Jack: But we can't drive all the way there.

Bill: Oh. I thought we could. You know, like a road trip.

Jack: Not after what happened last time.

_FLASHBACK_

Jack and Bill are in a busted up police cruise, driving around a parking lot of a mall, being chased by police officers.

Jack: You got us into this parking lot! Now you get us out!

Bill: You want out of this parking lot? Okay.

_MEANWHILE_

In the mall

Cashier: Will there be anything else?

Man: Yes. Do you have a Miss Piggy?

Suddenly, a police cruiser drives through a wall of the store.

Jack: There are a lot of good prices out here…

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Bill: Okay. (looks at Jack) You can say that I'm a horrible road trip buddy all you want but I am not a terrible driver.

Jack: Bill, the road…

Bill: I can be a better friend but how dare you criticize my driving!

Jack: Bill, look out! YOU'RE DRIVING OFF THE ROAD!

Bill: Tell me one reason why I'm a bad driver.

Jack: (points) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Bill looks at where Jack is pointing at…he has hit a scarecrow and it is on the windshield blocking the way.

Jack and Bill: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

The scarecrow goes off the windshield…revealing a barn that they are going to run in to.

Jack and Bill: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

They crash into the inside of the barn, making a lot of noise. A house nearby has lights turned on. A man, his wife and two kids, son and daughter, come out of the house and slowly make their way to the barn. The man takes out a lantern and all of them peer inside to see the car.

Woman: What is it, Pa?

Man: Looks like an airplane…without wings.

Son: Airplane? It's a flying saucer, Pa! From outer space!

The driver's door of the car opens and a figure comes out, though it's not light enough to tell who, or what, it is.

Man: Run, children! Run for your lives!

The family runs out of the barn.

Bill: WAIT! Awww, crap. (looks at the car) Not much damage.

Jack: Come on, let's go!

Bill: Why aren't those people affected by North?

Jack: It's a farm! There aren't really any televisions here! Now, let's go!

Bill: I got to see outside for a second.

Bill goes out of the barn and looks around through the hole the car crashed through.

Bill: Uhhh…hello? Sorry about your barn.

A shotgun in fired and it misses Bill…barely. Bill runs back into the barn while the man and his son run to the barn…with the man with a double-barreled shotgun.

Son: Look- Pa! It's already mutated in human form! Shoot it!

The man fires another shot.

Man: Take that, you mutated son of a bitch!

The car crashes through the barn again and the family steps back. Jack and Bill ride away from the family.

Man: Don't come back here, why you…

Jack: Step on it!

Bill: There's so much dust and dirt on the windshield!

Bill uses the windshield wipers to clean it.

Bill: Ah, that's better.

Jack and Bill can clearly see where they are driving towards a bridge…with a huge gap in the middle of it.

Jack: No, that's worse! WHOA!

The car drives on the bridge and flies off the gap.

Bill: YEE-

The scene freezes.

Narrator: Now, those Duke boys are in for a leap of a surprise. Those good ol' boys better spread their wings…or start flapping their arms.

The scene unfreezes.

Bill: -HAW!

The car lands on the other side of the bridge and drive away. Meanwhile, a man dressed in all white witnesses this and jumps up and down in frustration.

Boss Hogg: Those dang boys! One of these days, boys, one of these days!

Jack and Bill are laughing as they're driving.

Jack: That was a great rush! But what do we do about all that moonshine?

Bill: I'll take it to Uncle Jesse later! Anyway, here we are!

Bill pulls the car over and they get out. They look toward them and find a helicopter in the middle of a field.

Bill: It's all ready for you.

Jack: All right! Let's go!

Bill: Wait. We can't run to the helicopter. We have to do the most clichéd way to move.

Jack and Bill nod their heads as they walk toward the helicopter…in slow motion. The wind is blowing in their hair as they get closer to it. For some random reason, their car explodes…but they don't look back. They just keep moving. Finally, they get to the chopper.

Bill: You have to use this to get to the White House.

Jack: Aren't you coming with me?

Bill: I have to go back to CTU.

Jack: But I don't know how to operate this machine.

Bill: Call Chloe. She'll know what to do.

Jack takes out his cell phone and calls Chloe. It then goes into a split screen.

Chloe: Hello?

Jack: Chloe, I don't know how to fly a helicopter. Download a program into me.

Chloe: Will do. (hangs up the phone) Link, download the helicopter program!

Link: Alright.

He takes out a chip and downloads in on a computer and into Jack's body, which is plugged in to a machine.

Back with Jack and Bill, Jack closes his eyes, breathes in slowly and opens them.

Jack: I know how to fly.

Bill: Show me.

_MOMENTS LATER_

Jack is running away from the chopper he had crashed just as it explodes. Bill, meanwhile, is on the phone.

Bill: Chloe! What the Hell happened? He was supposed to know how to fly!

Chloe: I know! There must've been some kind of virus in that program. Hold on, let me pull a cop out and download a new program and a new helicopter.

Bill: Hurry!

Chloe: Wait, there is a disturbance in the area.

Agent Smith: Mr. Bauer, welcome back. We missed you.

Jack: Oh God. Oh Man. Oh God. Oh Man. Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man (starts spinning) OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD!

Smith: Let's end this.

Bill: Chloe! Plug him out!

Chloe: For God's sake, I'm an analyst not a worker!

Bill: DO IT!

Chloe: Alright.

Chloe goes to Jack's body and unplugs him.

Jack, meanwhile, gasps for air and dies.

**THE END**

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: You…are the biggest idiot that I have EVER come to know.

Me: Relax, none of that really happens.

Editor: What really happens?

Me: Keep reading.

**Back to the story…seconds earlier**

Back with Jack and Bill, Jack closes his eyes, breathes in slowly and opens them.

Jack: I know how to fly.

Bill: Show me.

_MOMENTS LATER_

At CTU, Morris, Milo and Chloe are working on an injured soldier in a camp tent. Suddenly, Bill comes in.

Morris: We need an extra pair of hands, Bill! Get here, stat!

Bill: Everyone! I have an announcement. Jack Bauer's helicopter was shot down…there were no survivors.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: DAMMIT, MAN!

Me: Alright, that didn't happen.

**Back to the story…seconds earlier**

Chloe: I know! There must've been some kind of virus in that program. Hold on, let me pull a cop out and download a new program and a new helicopter.

Bill: Hurry!

Jack closes his eyes, breathes slowly and opens his eyes.

Jack: NOW I know how to fly!

And with that, Jack goes in to the newly downloaded helicopter and starts to fly.

Bill: Remember! There are some people who haven't been affected by the movie since that ONE channel is temporarily jammed! Warn the people who weren't affected to hide until this all blows over!

Jack: Fine! See you in a few hours!

Bill walks away in slow motion as Jack flies away.

Bill: I'm so cool.

**5: 48 pm**

Saddam is walking up and down in the Oval Office.

Saddam: Where is the world is Carmen Sandiego? Oh right. She's one of my slaves. Wait…she's a fictional figure. How can I brainwash a fictional figure. It's a cartoon. Wait a minute, I'm a real person in a fictional story. If I'm in a fictional story, doesn't that mean I'm fictional? Does that mean I don't exist outside of this story? Why am I like this when I could be…

Suddenly, Saddam blows up, revealing a robotic skeleton. It crashes on the floor.

Meanwhile, the REAL Saddam comes in to check the robot him.

Saddam: Hmmm. I guess building robots and making them get their philosophy from North is a bad idea. Well, I better scrap the idea of using robots to help me take over the world.

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Saddam: Minion!

The Security Guard walks in the room.

SG: Yes, Master?

Saddam: Please, call me Saddam.

SG: Yes, Master.

Saddam: Sigh. Is everything ready for when Jack Bauer gets here?

SG: Yes, Master.

Saddam: I know he will show up. He can save the world if he wants but there's something he has to do that will kill him. And after that, no one can stop me, not even… (puts pinky to his mouth) Austin Powers. MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Suddenly, a British man with glasses comes into the office, holding a gun.

Austin Powers: Not so fast, Dr. E…I mean, Saddam. You're under arrest!

A group of police officers come in the room and surround Saddam.

Saddam: I can't believe I got caught in the tenth hour!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: You are losing brain cells.

Me: Blame Justin Beiber. His music can make anyone dumber.

**Back to the story…rewind a few seconds earlier.**

Saddam: I know he will show up. He can save the world if he wants but there's something he has to do that will kill him. This is turning into a most bodacious plan!

Bill and Ted: Excellent!

Saddam gets out a pistol and shoots them both to death.

Ted: Whoa.

Saddam sits at the President's desk.

Saddam: And now we play the waiting game.

**5: 52 pm**

Back with Bill after that pointless moment, Bill is using his bare leg to hitch-hike a ride back to CTU. Suddenly, a truck comes by and stops for him. He goes in the truck and sees a woman driving. He sits in the passenger's seat. She starts driving.

Bill: Thanks for stopping.

Woman: Some night, huh?

Bill: Uhhh, it's still the evening.

Woman: On this very night…

Bill: Evening.

Woman: …ten years ago, on this same stretch of road, in a dense fog just like this, I saw the worst accident I have ever seen. There was this sound, like a garbage truck dropped off the Empire State Building.

Bill: There are a lot of plot holes to that story. First of all, there is no fog, it's sunny in the evening. Lastly, I can explain the garbage truck…it happened to a friend of mine.

_FLASHBACK_

A garbage truck drives off of the Empire State Building. Two Nazi officers, the Head Nazi and an assistant are stunned to see themselves falling. Suddenly, the Assistant turns to the Head Nazi.

Assistant: That's a lot of fish.

The Head Nazi looks at him for a moment and turns back to their falling.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: SON OF A BITCH! (gets out a shotgun from under his desk) WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Me: Okay, okay, okay! I'll change it!

Editor: I WILL END YOU! STOP IT! STOP IT!

**Back to the story…a few seconds earlier.**

A garbage truck drives off of the Empire State Building. Two Nazi officers, the Head Nazi and an assistant are stunned to see themselves falling. Suddenly, the Assistant turns to the Head Nazi.

Assistant: Just to let you know, Sir. I've always loved you.

The Head Nazi looks at him for a moment and turns back to their falling.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Woman: And when they finally pulled the driver's body from the twisted burning wreck, it looked like this!

The woman turned to Bill and her face changed into a horrific sight: David Schwimmer.

Bill: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

The woman changed her face back to normal and kept her eyes on the road.

Woman: It was the worst accident I ever seen.

Bill looks at his window, freaking out. Meanwhile, he saw them approaching CTU.

Bill: I get off right here.

The woman nodded as she stopped the truck. Bill got out as the woman called him back.

Woman: Be sure to tell them Large Marge sent you.

Bill nodded and shut the door. The truck drove away and Bill went to CTU, both confused and scared about what just happened. He went inside and saw Morris, Milo and Chloe eating and talking.

Bill: Large Marge sent me.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at Bill.

Milo: Did you say Large Marge?

Bill: She dropped me off.

Chloe turned white.

Morris: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!

And with that, Morris ran and jumped out a window.

Milo: That's impossible.

Chloe: Large Marge…she's…

Milo: It was ten years ago, on a night like tonight…

Bill: It's the evening.

Milo: …it's the anniversary. Worst accident I ever seen.

Bill: But that means the Large Marge I was riding with was…

Chloe: Her ghost.

Bill has turned white.

Chloe: Are you okay?

Bill: Not really. I feel sick.

Milo: It's okay. You're with people who care about each other.

Morris: OH! I'M FINE! THANKS FOR ASKING! DON'T ALL COME AND HELP ME AT ONCE!

Chloe: So…ahem…is Jack on his way to Saddam.

Bill: Uhhh, yeah. I would've come here sooner but our car blew up for no reason.

Chloe: How many times have I told you and Jack not to walk to another destination from your car in slow motion?

Bill: I keep forgetting that rule. I always thought it was terrorists.

Milo: You think everything is about terrorists!

Bill: Well, who can it be? It's not our fault! It's those damn Canadians! They're responsible for 9/11, not America.

Chloe: Bill, we've been over this. The Canadians aren't a threat. They weren't responsible for 9/11. In fact, if they were, they would've gone across the border, which is guarded by Americans. So, if Canadians were responsible, it was partially the American's fault as well.

Bill: (gets out his phone) I'm going to get the soldiers to place a carpet bomb on your ass.

Milo: Uhhhh, Bill? The soldiers are watching the movie also.

Bill: (puts away phone) Oh right.

Morris: So, what shall we do while Jack is on his way to the White House?

Bill: I miss Audrey.

Chloe: Yeah, I'm leaving. (walks away from Bill and Milo)

Milo: I miss her too.

Morris then crashes through another window…from the roof and falls between the two other men. He gets up, unharmed.

Morris: Me too.

Bill: Guys, want to do the ultimate "jump the shark"?

Morris and Milo: Yes!

Bill goes to the reader, that's you, and starts talking.

Bill: Our lazy co worker died! We need you to help us bring her back to life! Repeat these words: I believe in Audrey!

Bill: I believe in Audrey!

Morris: I believe in Audrey!

Milo: I believe in Audrey!

Bill: I believe in Audrey!

Morris: I believe in Audrey!

Milo: I believe in Audrey!

Bill: EVERYBODY NOW!

Jack: I believe in Audrey!

Jesus Christ: I believe in Audrey!

God: I believe in Audrey!

Harry Potter: I believe in Audrey!

All the Care Bears: I believe in Audrey!

Bill: I believe in Audrey!

Morris: I believe in Audrey!

Milo: I believe in Audrey!

Bill: I believe….

_MOMENTS LATER_

Bill, Morris and Milo look are the bloodied remains of a zombified Audrey.

Milo: Did you know that was going to backfire?

Bill: It worked last time.

_FLASHBACK_

Bill is in his room, chanting.

Bill: I believe in the career of Robert Downey Jr. I believe in the career of Robert Downey Jr. I believe in the career of Robert Downey Jr.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Chloe comes to the room and finds the remains of the Audrey zombie.

Audrey: Did you say that you believed?

Morris: Maybe, dahling.

Audrey: Just because you want someone back doesn't mean that you will.

Bill: But it works! It worked 99% of the time!

Audrey: Remind us about that 1%?

_FLASHBACK_

Bill is in his room, chanting.

Bill: I believe in Jonathan Brandis. I believe in Jonathan Brandis. I believe in Jonathan Brandis.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Bill: I know I shouldn't make deals with Satan to get our loved ones from the dead…and Audrey.

Chloe: Let's hope that Jack gets the White House to stop that crazy dictator.

Milo: As long as he doesn't do anything stupid.

**5: 59 pm**

There are split screens. Bill, Morris and Milo are playing Clue…really, it's Yatzee. Chloe is at her computer, playing Halo….okay, it's Killzone. Saddam is sitting on his chair, waiting for Jack while humming Weird Al songs. Heath Ledger is taking Vicodin with Dr. House.

Jack is still flying in the air, singing.

Jack: I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want! I'll tell you want I want, what I really really want!

He looks beside him and sees a brown bag. Carefully, he looks inside of it and sees…

Jack: Candy! Colorful candy!

Jack takes several handfuls and eats them.

Jack: Mmmmm, good!

He leaves the bag aside and goes back to flying. Jack than started to feel weird.

Jack: Whoa. I feel weird. I wonder if it's that candy I ate.

Jack looks back at the paper bag and sees that he didn't look at the paper bag properly. There were letters on it. Jack takes a closer look at what it was.

Jack: Uh oh.

The letters: LSD.

**5:59:57**

**5:59:58**

**5:59:59**

**6:00:00**

Next time on 24

Jack is watching TV when the screen changes and it shows a well.

Jack: Awww, crap! The History channel! Oh, come on!

A girl climbs out of the well and walks toward the TV. Jack puts his hands under his pants.

Jack: Oh boy! Playboy is free today!

Then…

Milo, Morris and Bill are in CTU.

Morris: I got it! It was Mrs. Scarlett with the candlestick in the library!

Milo: Fantastic but we're playing Monopoly.

Bill: You are so wrong, Morris! It's Mr. Green with the knife in the kitchen!

Milo: (looks around) Where's that gun?

After…

Chloe is hiding under her desk, calling for help.

Chloe: Hello? I need help. There is a family of aliens in CTU!

_MOMENTS LATER_

Two men in black suits come in to CTU, carrying big guns.

Agent K: You ready, Soldier?

Agent J: I make this suit look good.

Chloe comes along.

Chloe: Thank God you're here! The family of aliens is over there! (points)

Agent K: Excellent.

Agent K punches Chloe, knocking her out cold.

Agent J: You do know we could've used the neutralizer.

Agent K: Oh yeah. Let's see what those aliens look like.

The Agents than go and see what the aliens are like. The aliens look at the Agents and are shocked.

Sally Solomon: Oh no! Agents! What do we do!

Harry: I don't know! Since the Big Head is dead, I have no idea!

Tommy: I say we run!

Dick: NO! As the High Commander, I will stand up to these people and…

Agent K gives a handheld mirror and gives it to Dick, who is surprised at his reflection.

Dick: OH MY GOD! I'M GORGEOUS!

Finally…

Saddam and Heath are kissing each other.

Saddam: I wish I could quit you.

Heath rolls his eyes and walks away.

Saddam: What?

That's next on 24.


	11. Chapter 11

DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN ANY 24 CHARACTERS! PLEASE ENJOY OR READ SOMETHING ELSE…preferring Marcen12.

**Previously on 24…**

Milo and Bill are in Milo's kitchen in the morning. Milo hands Bill a plate of scrambled eggs.

Milo: Here are your eggs.

Bill looks at the plate when Milo turns to the sink. He turns picks up the plate and throws it to the wall.

Milo: Holy God!

Bill: I SAID OVEREASY!

Milo is shocked at this. Bill then changes his expression.

Bill: Now why did I do that?

Milo: Because I refused to spoon with you last night?

Bill: Correct.

Then…

Morris and Chloe are playing Clue.

Morris: BINGO!

Chloe: Alright! That's it!

Chloe then pulls out a shotgun.

Chloe: Backyard. Now.

Morris: Oh come on! You wouldn't hurt this pretty face would you?

The shotgun fires into Morris's face, killing him.

Chloe: (deadpan) Oh no. Your face is damaged and you're dead. The whole world is going to end.

The world explodes.

After…

Saddam and Heath are kissing each other.

Saddam: OH! Kiss me, I'm Irish!

Heath stops kissing him and walks away.

Saddam: He was only a figment of my imagination.

Finally…

Jack walks on a desert and sees something that makes him fall to the ground and yell.

Jack: YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

The reason he's screaming: A broken billboard of the Geico Company.

_**The following takes place between 6:00 pm to 7:00 pm.**_

**6:00 pm**

_Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens;  
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens;  
Brown paper packages tied up with strings;  
These are a few of my favorite things._

Jack: (narrating) I was somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert…when the drugs began to take hold.

Jack is flying his helicopter, though having problems with it. He is flying upside down and tries to fly it the right way. He gets a joint from his pocket and starts smoking it.

Jack: (narrating) I remember saying something like…

Jack: (out loud) I'm feeling a little lightheaded, maybe you should drive. (looks next to him but sees no one is with him) What the Hell?

Jack: (narrating) Suddenly, there was a terrible roar all around me…and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats ALL SWOOPING AND SCREECHING AROUND THE CHOPPER! And a voice was screaming…

Jack: (out loud) HOLY JESUS! WHAT ARE THESE GODDAMN ANIMALS!

Jack is severely freaking out over nothing. There are no bats. The LSD has messed with his mind.

Jack: (narrating) I saw a restaurant from where I was flying. How did the drugs know I was hungry? Was it the joint I was smoking? I'll go down there.

He then settles his chopper down on the parking lot. He got out of the vehicle and falls down.

Jack: (narrating) I must focus. Food will help me think…get a hold of yourself.

Jack goes looks at the sign at the restaurant but because of the drugs, he can't really read it. He struggles to go inside as his vision was colorful.

Jack: (narrating) This is LSD. Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts. Don't think about Audrey's head…oh crap.

Suddenly, the scenery changes into a darker atmosphere. The floor seems to be laughing at him. The walls are turning black.

Jack: (narrating) I must…make it…through the evil.

He is going to the counter. He sees no one in the restaurant, only a man in a uniform with dreaded hair.

Jack: (narrating) Ignore this terrible drug. Yes. Pretend it's not happening.

Jack then slumps against the counter and he can't talk properly. It has carefully been translated.

Jack: HIIIII THERRRRRREEEEE! UHHHH-. Myyyyy name? Uhhhh….Jack Bauerrrrrr. (muttering) On the list. Freelance. On the list, then? Total coverage! Uh huh! I have….my attorney with me… (looks around and sees no one) and I realize that his name is NOT ON THAT LIST but WE MUST HAVE THAT SUITE! What's the score here? What's next?

Then, the man in the uniform speaks to him, joyfully.

Ed: Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger? Can I take your order?

Jack: What! What! WHAT?

Ed then puts two grapes up his nose.

Ed: Look, I'm Grape Nose Boy! Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity! Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity!

Jack: Stop.

Ed: Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity! Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity!

Jack: Shut up! SHUT UP!

Ed: Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity! Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity!

Jack: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! UP!

Ed: Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity! Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity! Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity!

Jack: PLEASE SHUT UP!

Ed: Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity! Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity! Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity! Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity!

Jack: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

Ed laughs as he takes out the grapes out of his nose.

Ed: Grape?

Jack, still on drugs, sees the grape as a large worm, trying to eat him. Jack shakes his head.

Ed: Oh well! More for me!

Ed eats the grape but what Jack sees is Ed as a huge disgusting lizard. Ed leans to Jack.

Ed: Hey! Are you alright?

Jack: AAAAAAHHHHHHHH! NO! WE HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING YET! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Jack turns around to go to the helicopter but smashes thought a window, having glass all over him.

Jack: AAAAAHHHHH! WE CAN'T STOP HERE! THIS IS BAT COUNTRY! GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU DAMN PARASITES!

Ed: Thank you! Come again.

_MEANWHILE_

A man wakes up from his bed.

Apu: Something's wrong.

Manjula wakes up.

Manjula: What is it?

Apu: I just had a disturbing occurrence…

**6: 08 pm**

Morris, Milo and Bill are in Bill's office. Bill is on the phone but hangs up.

Bill: Damn! Jack's not answering!

Milo: What if something happened to him?

Bill: He's Jack Bauer, what could happen to him?

Morris: I can list a ton of possibilities.

Chloe comes into the room.

Morris: Hey! Didn't you read the sign? No girls allowed!

Chloe: There was no sign. In fact, you guys told me to come here!

Bill: Oh yeah! I did, I forgot.

Milo: We need help getting contact with Jack.

Chloe: Did you put a tracking device on the chopper?

Bill: It blew up in the car.

Milo: Oh great! Jack could be anywhere now!

Milo looks up as his imagination takes hold.

_Jack is walking through a black swamp with a white horse. Suddenly, the horse stops._

_Jack: What's wrong?_

_The horse has his head down._

_Jack: Oh Artex! Don't let the sadness get to you!_

_Artex begins to sink._

_Jack: Artex! You're sinking! No! No! NOOOOOOOOOOO!_

Milo shakes his head.

Milo: That poor horse never stood a chance against the sadness.

Bill, Chloe and Morris all give him strange looks.

Chloe: Okay. Look, Bill. Jack is going to be fine. It's not like he's in any trouble or anything.

Morris: Dahling! It's Jack Bauer. Trouble follows him everywhere!

_FLASHBACK_

Jack and Morris are in their car, at night, when they pass through a yellow traffic light. Police lights flash through the rear view mirror.

Jack: Shit!

Morris: What?

Jack: Rollers.

Morris: No?

Jack: Yeah.

Morris: Shit!

Jack pulls over and a police officer approaches the car.

Jack: What? What did I do?

Officer: You failed to stop at a red signal.

Jack: The light was yellow, sir.

Officer: May I see your license, please?

Jack gives the officer his license and the officer takes it back to the squad car.

Morris**:** Goddamnit!

Jack**:** Man I haven't been pulled over in six months. I bet those cops have got SCMODS.

Morris**:** SCMODS?

Jack: State, County, Municipal, Offender, Data, System.

The officer comes back.

Officer: Bauer, we show your license currently under suspension. Step out of the car please.

Jack starts the car and drives off. The officer goes back to the car and follows them.

Morris: First you trade the Cadillac for a microphone, then you lie to me about the band, now you're gonna put me right back in the joint!

Jack: They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Chloe: Yeah. That was when he was sober.

Milo: He's like me without beer!

Bill: I can't comprehend anything right now! I need to find out where Jack Bauer is!

**6: 13 pm**

Jack is flying his chopper when he realizes that he is thirsty. He lands in the middle of a street and begins to look around. He then comes across a bar. He reads the sign, which was a bit clearer now that the drugs were beginning to escape his vision.

Jack: Hmmmm, Paddy's Bar. I'll take a quick drink.

Jack goes inside to see a lady behind the bar. He sits at the bar.

Sweet Dee: Finally! We finally get a customer in this place today. It's like everyone else is dead or something.

Jack: That's because everyone else is watching TV.

Dee: Yeah, we don't really have cable in this bar. Tough luck.

Jack: Whatever, I'll just have a beer.

Dee: Coming right up!

Dee turns around to get Jack a beer when a man comes out of a bathroom with cleaning utensils.

Charlie: Oh my god! There were ants in the bathroom! That's completely horrible!

Dee: Maybe if you didn't spend so much time eating sugar in the bathroom, they little creatures wouldn't have come here!

Charlie: You know what, Dee? OH MY GOD!

Dee: Goddammit, Charlie! You agreed to Charlie Work all these years and NOW you complain?

Charlie: What the Hell are you talking about? I complain about it all the time! I have rights!

Jack: My beer, please?

Dee: Sorry. (gives him a big glass of beer) Here you go.

The bar door opens and three guys come in.

Dennis: Hey-Oh!

Mac: What's up, bitches?

Frank: Because we're doing all right!

Dee: Where the Hell were you guys? I've been calling you guys for over an hour!

Frank: We were at the pharmacy, stealing prescriptions! It was like no one could peel their eyes away from their TVs! We took a lot of Advil!

Mac: Then, we went to a rave! Well, it wasn't really a rave because people were watching TV there. Long story short, we took so much LSD!

Dennis: I tried to get some ladies but they were all so focused on that damn idiot box.

Mac: Speaking of idiot box, Dennis, are you up for Predator later?

Frank: Forget about TV! We got all these drugs that we could sell to people for double the profit!

Charlie: Cool! Can I have some of that LSD?

Dennis: Uhhhhh, sorry, Charlie.

Charlie: What? Why not?

Mac: Because you're unstable enough with and without beer, imagine what would happen if we gave you LSD.

Charlie: Give me some and let's find out.

Dee: I'm sorry, you guys. You're so low, that you STEAL drugs to sell for profit?

Frank: Everyone is doing it! Explain Ricky Gervais's Golden Globes opening speech?

Mac: Easy, he's British.

Dee: That doesn't make any sense!

Dennis: British people are all stuffy.

Charlie: Yeah! They're all like, a dingo ate my baby!

Dee: I don't think that's British…whatever, count me in to the drug thing.

Frank: Not a chance, Dee.

Dee: What? Why not?

Mac: Because you're a woman.

Dee: WHAT? YOU GUYS ARE ASSHOLES!

Dennis: Assholes who means business!

Dee: OH SHUT UP!

Charlie: YEAH! WHAT HE SAID!

Dee: SHUT UP, CHARLIE!

The gang argues as Jack gets a headache from the arguing.

Jack: Excuse me, guys?

The gang stops arguing and looks at Jack.

Jack: I have a headache. Can I borrow some Advil?

Frank: Sure. (reaches into pocket and gives a pill to Jack)

Mac: Aren't you going to ask him for money?

Frank: It's part of the business, Mac. The first is always a free sample.

Dennis: Oh, I see. Very clever.

Jack takes the pill and swigs it with the rest of his beer.

Jack: Thanks. I'm willing to forget what you guys were saying about stealing and selling drugs.

Jack nods as he puts money on the counter of the bar and walks out.

Mac: Who the Hell was that?

Dee: I don't know. He just wanted a beer.

Mac: Whoa, whoa. We ran out. I was just going to re-fill when I got back. Charlie, didn't you tell her?

Charlie: I was doing work!

Frank: Whatever, I need to get high. Dennis, give me some LSD.

Dennis: You have the LSD, I have the Advil.

Frank goes into his pocket and sees the pills closely.

Frank: Oh crap! I gave that schmuck LSD!

Dee: There's worse news, you guys!

The rest of the gang looks at Sweet Dee.

Dee: He didn't drink beer.

Charlie: Oh no, Dee! Did you give another customer anti-freeze?

Dee shows them an empty bottle of Diethyl ether.

Mac: Dammit, Dee! How many times do we have to tell you not to put the ether near the beer?

Dee: Well, sorry! The guy should've tasted something! I mean, who would drink ether and not notice it?

Frank: That guy is going to go through Hell.

Mac goes to a window at the front of the bar.

Mac: He not the only one who's going to go through Hell. He's flying a helicopter.

Dennis: Okay, we all agree. If anything bad happens to him, we don't know him, we never seen him, agreed?

**6: 24 pm**

Morris and Milo are rolling dice against a wall.

Milo: Aren't we supposed to be doing something?

Morris: Not in the slightest.

Chloe walks along and sees the two men rolling dice.

Chloe: What the Hell are you guys doing?

Morris: We're gaming.

Milo: Morris! Shut the Hell up! (looks at Chloe) We're gambling.

Chloe: You know gambling is illegal in America!

Morris: Who cares? Most, if not all, of the world is under Saddam's spell. Who is going to stop us?

Suddenly, a man in a skin tight blue bug costume crashes through the wall.

The Tick: I smell illegal gambling! Evil doers feel my wrath!

Morris and Milo laugh at The Tick.

The Tick: I don't know what's funny! I will stop at nothing to…oh look, a movie!

The superhero walks to a TV set and is sucked in to the stupidity of North.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Say, what was the point of that scene?

Me: One more word and I'll cut you.

**Back to the story**

Chloe: You guys have to get back to work or you're both fired!

Morris: But…but…

Chloe: NOW! (walks away)

Morris: Damn! Damn! Damn! DAMN! I've grown accustomed to her face! I feel something I've never felt before.

Morris closes his eyes and starts to sing.

Morris: I've grown accustomed to her face…

Milo then rolls his eyes, gets out a pistol and shoots Morris.

Milo: No singing at CTU. It's illegal.

Morris: Oh come on!

Chloe comes back, either not noticing or caring about Morris being shot.

Chloe: I told you guys to get back to work! Those terrorists aren't going to arrest themselves. We have the world to save from a loose cannon.

Milo: Relax, it's not like we failed at stopping terrorism! We always know when an attack is going to happen! Like in New York, we never let anyone die because of a terrorist attack! It's not like millions of people died over one day. It's not….you know what? I have to abort this joke. (pushes a button on a wall)

**JOKE ABORTED!**

Chloe: Look, Milo! There is a mad man out there! He will kill all of us if we don't help Jack stop him!

Morris: But he's all the way over there and we're all the way here!

Chloe grabs Milo's pistol and shoots Morris five times, killing him.

Morris: (deadpan) Sorry, I thought you were a zombie.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Chloe doesn't kill Morris, does she?

Me: No, not really. But it was better than the other way.

**THE ALTERNATIVE WAY**

Chloe throws Morris out of a window and lands on top of a car. Milo rushes beside her to see the wreck.

Milo: Damn! He ain't gonna be in Rush Hour 3!

Chloe: (laughs) What!

The two laugh and hug each other.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: No, seriously.

Me: Fine.

**THE OTHER ALTERNATIVE WAY**

Chloe throws Morris out of a window and lands on top of a car. Milo rushes beside her to see the wreck.

Milo: That's a lot of fish.

Chloe looks at Milo for a moment and back at the wreckage.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: CANCELLED!

Me: What? Why?

Editor: First of all, you've milked that joke long enough. Second of all, what the Hell does that even mean? Will anyone get it?

Me: Oh, they will, sir. (looks at reader) They will.

**Back to the story…Chloe doesn't kill Morris**

Morris, free of all bullet wounds, walks to Chloe's desk.

Morris: Can I talk to you for a moment?

Chloe: Shoot.

Morris pulls out a gun and aims at Chloe.

Chloe: I MEANT TALK!

Morris puts away the gun.

Morris: Sorry, I often get shoot a gun and shoot with words confused. One time, sadly, at my wedding. Anyhow, I want to ask you something…do you love me?

Chloe: Of course I do!

Morris: You do?

Chloe: Yeah…as a brother!

John Madden: OOOOOOO! That's got to hurt! Morris has officially entered the friend zone! What a huge block! It's like…it's like when the football and…and….a hot dog combined to make a…a…a part in a story that doesn't make sense. Now, let go over to the board and show what brought these two to the sex-free zone or, what I like to call, marriage!

John goes over to a TV screen, where Morris and Chloe are frozen in place. John is writing stuff on it.

John: You see, you got your guy asking your typical girl a question and he's all what am I going to do? He moves in for the attack and asks her the question. Good play, good play. Does he go for the goal? Well, Chloe uses her defense system and replies right before he gets the touchdown and BOOM! Morris gets blocked! You see, ladies and gentlemen, this is what I like to call the romantic comedy scenario! You know, how the guy loves the girl but the girl doesn't return the favor! I mean, what's the deal with that? And what's with all these pointless cameos that make absolutely no sense whatsoever? For that matter, what the heck am I doing here? I mean, come on!

Anyway…

Morris: Okay, so we're close as a family?

Chloe: That's right.

Morris: I'm…relieved.

Chloe: You're okay with where we're going, right?

Morris: I'm a man. I can deal with it.

_MOMENTS LATER_

Morris is in the men's washroom, crying.

Morris: She doesn't love me as a human being! I'M A REAL PERSON! WAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

_MEANWHILE_

Milo and Chloe are hearing crying sounds.

Chloe: Is that a woman crying?

Milo: Yes. I guess it's time….

**6: 32 pm**

Bill is at his desk, working when Milo comes in his office.

Bill: Milo, just the girl I wanted to see! How do you say au revoir in French?

Milo: Au revoir.

Bill: Crap! I declared war on two countries then!

Milo: Bill! I heard a woman crying around CTU.

Bill: Oh dear God. You know what this means.

_MOMENTS LATER_

Milo and Bill are dressed in beige suits, carrying supernatural guns.

Milo: I make this suit look good.

Bill: Who ya gunna call?

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Yeah…I'm going to skip this part.

Me: But why?

Editor: Let's see…you write the most pointless plot devices ever!

Me: But…but…

Editor: You're lucky I'm continuing to read this thing that won't even make it on CBS! NO ONE WILL GET THESE REFERENCES! YOU NEED TO TRY HARDER!

Me: Yes, Ma'am.

Editor: WHAT?

Me: All righty then!

Editor: Your quality with this story has dropped more than Nicole Kidman's career. Can you explain why?

Me: I might… (looks up) with a flashback.

_FLASHBACK_

A man knocks on the cabin door and it is answered.

Man: You stole my story.

Me: Ooookay.

Man: Now I'm gonna kill you.

And with that, he gets out a pistol and shoots.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Editor: Are you recycling jokes from your OWN stories?

Me: (looks around) Uh….uh…the Bat…

Editor: SHUT UP! We're almost halfway through the entire story but you've managed to screw THAT up.

Me: Whatever.

Editor: You know what? I'm skimming through these. (looks through papers) Milo and Bill are the Ghostbusters trying to capture the girl from The Ring, who is in the men's washroom. Wow. The quality of this work has declined faster than Jimmy Fallon's talk show.

**Back to the story…fast forward that horrible Ghostbusters plot point**

**6: 39 pm**

Jack lands his chopper in front of a hotel. He gets out of it feeling, sick. He sees a hotel and he goes into it. He looks around and sees that it is deserted. He walks around and begins to trip out of the ether and acid. He sees an empty bar and he sits on a chair. He tries to calm down but his acid trip begins to get worse. He sees muck crawling across the floor.

Jack: (narrating) I couldn't concentrate. Terrible things were happening…all around me. (out loud) Everyone, put on some golf shoes, otherwise, we'll never get out of this place alive. It's impossible to walk out of this muck! There's no footing at all.

He looks around the bar and thinks he hears something…but there is nothing. He turns back to himself when he suddenly looks around the bar again. He hears voices and begins to see people. He turns back again and sees a bowl of peanuts…turn into a bowl of worms. A not-so-human tongue quickly reaches in to it and back to its…lizard body as Jack saw. Jack turns to the whole bar and sees that all the people are lizards!

Jack: (narrating) I was right in the middle of a reptile zoo! Somebody was giving booze to these goddamn things! It won't be long now…before they tear us to shreds!

All the lizards were crowded…making a complete orgy! Jack began to see things going backwards! He was even waving a gun in his own face! Everything was out of control!

Jack: PLEASE! TELL ME ABOUT THE F***ING GOLF SHOES!

All the replies looked up and him.

Reptiles: WHAT? WHA?

Jack: Jesus God Almighty! Look at that bunch over there, man! They've spotted us!

Jack realizes that he's talking to no one. Suddenly, he turns and sees Bill behind the bar.

Bill: That's the press table, man. You don't have to sign for any credentials.

Jack reaches out for him but his hands passes through Bill.

Bill comes from behind the bar.

Bill: Okay? You ready?

Jack: Hmmm?

Bill: Are you ready?

Jack gives no answer.

Bill: Come on, hurry up! (walks away)

Jack: Wdjvdmdngdn! (falls off chair and passes out)

**6: 43 pm**

Back at CTU, the place has been in worse shape than before. Bill and Milo are sitting on chairs with Chloe standing in front of them.

Chloe: I hid those guns from you guys for a reason! How did you guys find them?

Bill: We don't know…

Chloe: Oh, that's bull!

Milo: We're serious! It was just dumb luck.

_MEANWHILE_

A man is sitting on a chair is smiling, videotaping himself.

Man: That concludes today in Wiki Leaks. My name is Julian Assange.

…

Chloe: Do you know the reason WHY I took those guns away from you?

Milo: Because you love us very much?

Bill: Because we keep stealing from your secret money stash?

Chloe: No and….YOU WHAT?

Milo and Bill look at each other, nervously.

Bill: Uh….uh…

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Tell me that the next words are going NOT to be about the Bat Signal.

Me: They're not.

**Back to the story**

Bill: Uh….uh…the Bat Signal! Got to go! (about to run)

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: You told me that those words had nothing to do with the Bat Signal!

Me: You told me to tell you that!

Editor: Your stupidity is astounding.

**Back to the story**

Chloe: DO NOT MOVE A MUSCLE! Do you know WHY I took away your guns? It's because you idiots crossed your streams…one of now what seems to be 76 times!

Morris comes in to the scene after several minutes in the bathroom.

Morris: What the Hell happened to this place? I thought it was in bad shape before….

Chloe: These two idiots used the guns I took away from them and crossed the streams!

Morris: Again! Haven't you two learned anything from what happened last time?

_FLASHBACK_

Two planes with people in it are about to crash into the ground. Milo and Bill have their Ghostbusters guns.

Milo: We have to do the improbable and save these two planes.

Bill: You know what we have to do…cross the streams.

The two men shoot their guns, their streams crossing creating a huge black hole, in which the two planes go in to. The black hole disappears.

Milo: Now, the day is saved.

Bill: Thank God for us!

_MEANWHILE_

In New York City, a black hole appears and flies in to a tower. The other plane appears and crashes…

**JOKE ABORTED**

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Chloe: I don't remember that happening.

Bill: Oh yeah. We never told you about THAT time….you were at your cousin's that day and I borrowed your car.

Chloe: Is that why my car was impounded? You told me that it was stolen!

_FLASHBACK_

Bill is in Chloe's car and is stopped by a cop, who comes up to Bill.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Bill: DEPENDS HOW LONG YOU WERE FOLLOWING ME!

Cop: Let's take it from the top.

Bill: I sped, I followed too closely, I ran a stop sign, I almost hit a Chevy, I sped some more, I failed to yield at a crosswalk, I changed lanes at the intersection, I changed lanes with signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Chloe: Why did you lie about my car?

Bill: Because I'm Bill!

Morris: You know, Chloe. He has a point.

Chloe: Just because you're Bill, you can do anything you want!

Bill: Yeah!

Morris: Bill! You're so stupid…

Milo: How stupid is he?

Morris: Bill is so stupid that he throws a rock on the ground and he missed!

Everyone laughs except Bill.

Bill: I HATE YOU ALL!

Bill starts to cry and he runs to his office and opens up Microsoft Word.

Bill: Dear Blog, My crush, Morris, made fun of me today! I was about to ask him out to Prom! We were going to get married! It is soooooo the end of the world….I wonder if Milo is seeing anybody.

**6: 48 pm**

Saddam is pacing up and down, waiting for Jack. Suddenly, the Security Guard comes in the room.

SG: I heard pacing. Is there anything wrong?

Saddam: Yes! Where in the world is Jack Bauer! He was supposed to come here! I had a surprise for him!

SG: Maybe he's running late, Master.

Saddam: Well…it wouldn't kill me to remind him over the phone.

He takes out his cell phone and contacts Jack.

_MEANWHILE_

Jack is still passed out in the hotel when his phone rings, which causes him to wake up with a huge headache. He answers the phone and finds that Saddam has texted him something. The message: A video.

_NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP! _

_NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN!_

_NEVER GONNA RUN AROUND AND DESERT YOU!_

This caused Jack is get up and get angry.

Jack: JACK MAD! JACK SMASH! JACK DESTROY! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!

He runs to the chopper and goes ahead to Saddam.

_Back at the White House_

Saddam: That should bring him here as quickly as possible.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: How does Jack get a link from a music video when all forms of videos, expect apparently VHS, show nothing but North.

Me: Saddam controls the world, remember?

Editor: Yeah, I know but how does he do that with a CELL PHONE?

Me: You're right. Let's just make the message into a text, okay?

Editor: Oh my God. You're actually trying to take it easy on me?

Me: Look, after this chapter, we are OFFICALLY halfway through this story.

Editor: Thank God because I don't know who in their right minds would read this garbage.

Me: Will Ferrell thought Land of the Lost would be a good movie to work on. Mark Wahlburg thought doing Max Payne would be a good career move.

Editor: You got me there! People do think crap is good.

Me: Why do you think they made a Nutty Professor sequel? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing!

**Back to the story**

Saddam goes over to Heath, who is sitting on a chair, and he hugs him.

Saddam: Don't worry, my love. Soon, Jack Bauer will be here and we will be gods! NOW, WHO WANTS A COOKIE?

**6: 53 pm**

Chloe is working when her cell phone rings. She answers it.

Chloe: Hello?

Jack: CHLOE! I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME! I'M REALLY ANGRY!

Chloe: Jack! Calm down! What happened?

Jack: It's Saddam! He…he…RICKROLLED ME!

Chloe drops her phone, shocked and horrified.

Chloe: Oh God. Oh Man. Oh God. Oh Man. Oh God. (starts spinning in circles) Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man Oh God!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Dammit, man!

His cell phone rings.

Editor: Hello?

He realizes that he didn't answer it and takes it out of his desk. He answers it.

Editor: Hello?

Suddenly, he gets shot through the head.

**At the REAL editor's desk**

Editor: Did you follow my advice from earlier just as a nice gesture BEFORE you killed me?

Me: Yes.

Editor: How the Hell is it possible to kill me with a cell phone?

Me: Yes.

Editor: That wasn't a question that can be answered with a yes or no.

Me: Yes.

Editor looks closely and screams.

Editor: OH MY GOD! YOU'RE A KILLER ROBOT!

Me: Yes. (turns into a robot with a shotgun)

Editor: NOOOOOOO!

**At the ACTUAL editor's desk**

Editor: This is the dumbest twist to a story since The Village.

Me: Sorry.

Editor: Me too. I shouldn't have said that. Your twists are WAY better than that movie.

Me: Even Lady in the Water?

Editor: You could write absolute dog crap and it STILL will be better than that movie.

Me: You're funny. That's why you're going to die last.

Editor: Excuse me?

Me: (looks around) The Bat… (cell phone rings) Hello? (gets shot through the head)

**DAMMIT! (cell phone rings) Hello? (gets shot through the head)**

**THE END.**

…

…

…

**Just kidding!**

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: People are going to get tired of these "twists".

Me: I know. That's why the show is called 24.

**Back to the story**

Chloe, dizzy from spinning, picks up the phone and answers it.

Chloe: Hello? (gets shot through the head)

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: OH MY SWEET BUTTERY JESUS! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Me: (looks up) It started when I was born…

Editor: JUST GET ON WITH THE DAMN STORY!

**Back to the story**

Chloe, dizzy from spinning, picks up the phone and answers it.

Chloe: Hello?

Jack: I'M SO PISSED! I WANT TO KILL SADDAM!

Chloe: Look, everybody gets rick rolled one time or another.

Jack: (crying) But…it…HURTS SO MUCH! WAAAAAHHHHHH!

Chloe: Look, Jack. I'm sorry for the tragedy that you've just endured but you have a world to save! And when you do that, I'll pay for all the therapy sessions that you need to recuperate that horrible moment.

Jack: (sniffs) Thanks, Chloe! You're a great frie… (gets shot in the head)

**At the editor's WINDOW**

Me: (dangled out of a high window by legs) ARE YOU CRAZY! PUT ME DOWN!

Editor: Alright. (about to let go)

Me: NO! DON'T LET ME GO!

Editor: Than go back to the story!

Me: ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! JESUS CHRIST!

Jesus: (comes out of nowhere) Yeah!

Me: That was just an expression!

Jesus: Oh. Remember I died for your sins! (disappears)

Me: I know! I'm not a scientologist.

**Back to the story**

Jack: (sniffs) Thanks, Chloe! You're a great friend! (hangs up)

Chloe: You don't even say goodbye? We'll see about that!

Chloe goes into her desk and pulls out a voodoo doll that is exactly like Jack, a piece of his real hair is on the doll's head. She ties its hands to its back.

_MEANWHILE_

Jack is flying when a force makes his hands move to his back, not be able to move. The chopper than crashes in the ground, exploding, killing Jack.

**THE END!**

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: You are scum.

Me: I promised no cell phone shootings but you didn't tell me about killing off major characters!

Editor: You are scum.

Me: Stop it! You're making me blush!

Editor: You are scum.

Me: Fine! I'll change it.

**Back to the story**

Chloe hangs up the phone.

Chloe: Morris!

Morris: Yes, dahling?

Chloe: Do you think that we were a bit too hard on Bill?

Morris: No, he's a man. He'll be fine.

_MEANWHILE_

Bill is in his office, lying on his desk, crying.

Bill: Why doesn't anybody like me? Why? WHY? WHY? WHY! WHY? (cell phone rings; picks up) Hello? (gets…

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (pulls out a gun and puts on it his desk) I swear to God. If the next words are what I think they are, I will kill you.

**Back to the story**

…shocked with the phone) OH SON OF A BITCH! THIS PHONE SHOCKED ME! (gets up from desk) OWIE! OWIE! (trips on shoelaces and stumbles) WHOA!

Bill then stumbles to a window and crashes through it, landing headfirst on a photocopier, killing him. Two people look at the sight from Bill office.

Carter: Damn! He ain't gunna be in Rush Hour 3!

Lee: What?

They both start laughing.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: You know what? That was so stupid that I'm willing to let you do the cell phone deaths.

Me: Excellent.

**Back to the story**

Bill is in his office, lying on his desk, crying.

Bill: WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY LIKE ME? (his cell phone rings; answers it) Hello?

Jack: I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO! Bill! I've just been rick rolled!

Bill: (stands up from his desk) Calm down, Jack! Remember this: We believe in you, we love you. You're strong. We need you to stand up for the world.

Jack: Thank you! You're the best!

Bill: Was I your first choice to call someone when this happened?

Jack: No, second to Chloe.

Bill: Oh. Actually, that's not a surprise. Thanks for calling, though. Call me if you need anything…actually, call Chloe first. You two have a closer relationship.

Jack: No problem. Bye! (hangs up)

Bill: I feel better!

**6: 57 pm**

There are split screens. Chloe and Morris are talking at Chloe's desk. Milo and Morris are playing Checkers…with Chess pieces. Saddam is passing the time for waiting for Jack, kissing Heath. 99% of the world is watching TV.

Jack is in the chopper and he is officially at the White House. He quietly gets out and sneaks through. He goes inside, gun ready and his pistol is loaded in his hands. He sees the Oval Office; the door is cracked a bit. He sees that the lights in the office are on but no one is seen. He goes on his cell phone to call Chloe.

Jack: Chloe, I need back-up.

Chloe: Jack, they're not available, remember?

Jack: Oh right. I guess I have to stop them by myself.

Chloe: Good luck! (hangs up)

Jack: Useless. (his cell phone rings) Hello? (gets shot through the head)

**THE END!**

**At the editor desk….what? Sorry, at a courthouse.**

Judge: The writer of this 24 parody is not allowed to come 400 yards from the Editor for a year! Court adjourned!

Editor: Eat me!

Me: But you're not edible.

Editor: Whatever. See you in a year.

…

…

…

_A YEAR LATER_

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Alright! I don't know why but I want to read the rest of this story.

Me: It's that addicting isn't it?

Editor: No, I just wanted to read what happens at the end of the chapter.

**Back to the story...a few seconds earlier.**

Jack goes into the office, holding out his pistol. He looks around and sees no one. He hears something in another room. He slowly goes into it and sees a bunch of TVs, all of them showing North. He looks away quickly and sees a piece of paper. He reads it.

Jack: Dear Jack Bauer. As you can see, I'm not here. And you can never stop me! You will never save the world because it involves you HAVING to glimpse at the movie! Will you risk being my slave for the world? Even if you do save the world, I have a back-up plan. But you can't save the world! HA! For I am Saddam! The man who, you guessed it, took over the world!

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Jack: (puts down the note) Oh God! Oh Man! Oh God! Oh Man! (starts spinning) Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man Oh God!

**6:59:57**

**6:59:58**

**6:59:59**

**7:00:00**

Next time on 24.

Jack is in a dark corner, singing, holding his legs, rocking back and forth.

Jack: I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo.

Then…

Milo and Morris are laughing when Milo's phone rings. He answers it.

Milo: Hello?

Voice: Seven days. (hangs up)

Morris: What is it?

Milo: Oh God. Oh Man. Oh God….

Next…

Chloe and Bill are laughing.

Bill: You know, Milo's been paranoid ever since he watched The Ring.

Chloe: (takes out cell phone) I'll call him and scare him.

Bill: Say that John Lennon isn't really dead! That will scare him to smithereens!

Chloe: How do you scare someone to smithereens?

Bill: Uh…uh…The Bat Signal! (flies out the window)

Finally…

Saddam and Heath are on a ranch.

Saddam: You know what, Heath? Life is like a human onion! You never know what you're going to get!

Heath smiles and takes prescription pills, dropping a few. Suddenly, a girl named Mary-Kate Olson sneaks along, picks up the pills and swallows all of them, then walks away.

That's next on 24!


	12. Chapter 12

DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN ANY 24 CHARACTERS! PLEASE ENJOY OR READ SOMETHING ELSE…preferring Marcen12.

**Previously on 24…**

Jack: This is the true story…

Chloe: …of seven strangers…

Milo: …picked to live in a house…

Morris: …work together and have their lives taped…

Bill: …to find out what happens…

Audrey: …when people stop being polite…

Saddam: …and start getting real.

All: The Real World: CTU!

The strangers start coming in the CTU building. Jack and Morris enter first, introducing them.

Jack: My name's Jack.

Morris: Nice to meet you, dahling! My name is Morris!

Jack: (confessional) Morris seems like a nice person.

Morris: (confessional) That Jack guy is so cute! I hope no one takes him!

Bill and Chloe are entering the building, where they meet Saddam and Milo.

Bill: Saddam?

Saddam: That's my name! Don't wear it out!

Saddam: (confessional) I know everyone was surprised when I entered into this show. Oh, just because you cause a few minor deaths around the world, you have a tainted reputation! Don't they trust me?

Audrey: ALRIGHT! Who keeps leaving hair on the soap?

Milo: I need to leave my mustache trimmings somewhere!

Audrey: (confessional) I don't know how come Milo is so retarded! This afternoon, he ate a twenty dollar bill! Who in their right minds would eat money?

Chloe and Morris are at the kitchen table.

Morris: What we need is a plan. We need to work together to eliminate the others in order to get the prize money.

Chloe: Great plan…except for the fact that we are not on Survivor!

Morris: (confessional) I don't know why the producers made me come on this show instead of Survivor! Just because I bad mouthed NBC and now I'm MTV! Do I really need a downgrade?

Jack and Milo are at a bar.

Milo: You know, Chloe's looking kind of cute tonight!

Jack: That's not Chloe! That's Audrey!

Milo: Oh. (takes on cell phone)

Audrey: (confessional) I don't know why everyone would rather hit on Chloe? I'm the pretty one! I should be the one to get hit on! It's like they ignore me and they all want me dead! I… (phone rings) Excuse me. (answers) Hello? (gets shot through head)

In the living room, Jack is watching TV. Morris comes along.

Morris: It's my turn to watch TV!

Jack: No! This is my TV!

Morris: But 30 Rock is on!

Jack: I don't give a…30 Rock! Here's the remote.

Suddenly, the TV blows up.

Morris: What the Hell?

Jack: Don't worry, we could just say here and get drunk.

Jack pulls a case of beer…which is empty.

Morris: THERE'S NO BEER!

Jack: No TV and no beer make Jack a dull boy. No TV and no beer make Jack a dull boy.

Saddam: (confessional) I blew up the TV in order to win at this game! If no one has the things they need, they will go crazy! They will turn their backs on each other. I…what's that? This is NOT Survivor?

Everyone is playing a game at the kitchen table.

Bill: Bingo!

Chloe: We're playing Clue!

Bill: I said BINGO!

Chloe: (confessional) I swear to God, these guys are idiots! If I have to spend another second with them, I will make sure that they will turn up dead, like that Audrey guy.

Jack walks to the front doors when he sees Morris peeing on some shoes.

Jack: Morris! What the Hell are you doing?

Morris: I'm mowing the lawn!

Jack: Are you drunk?

Morris: Are you sexy?

Morris: (confessional) Despite my best efforts, I couldn't keep my drinking under control. Luckily, I had friends who helped me with my addiction.

Saddam: They're all against you, Morris! They all hate you.

Morris: Really, dahling?

Saddam: You and I alone could win that money! Or your name is Morris Strompolopolous!

Miko: Tatopoulos.

Saddam: (confessional) Now, that I got Morris on my side, nothing will stand in my way of that $1 million…I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY! THIS…IS…SURVIVOR!

Audrey, Bill and Milo are in the kitchen.

Audrey: Milo, Bill keeps leaving dishes in the sink!

Milo: He's just a boy!

Audrey: He keeps breaking them too!

Milo: You have to take a chill pill, girl.

Audrey: What did you call me?

Milo: (looks around, nervously) Uh…um….the Bat Signal! Got to go!

Audrey looks at Bill, who is looking away from her.

Audrey: (confessional) Girl? GIRL? Let me tell you something about these guys here! They're afraid of women! They're afraid that one day, we'll take their jobs! They're afraid of the almighty uterus! THE ALMIGHTY UTERUS!

Bill: (confessional) I'm afraid of these girls, especially the almighty uterus. It's like a fortress of solitude…for women.

**More of this later in The Real World: CTU!**

_**The following takes place between 7:00 pm to 8:00 pm.**_

**7: 00 pm**

Jack is at the White House, calling Chloe.

Jack: Chloe, Saddam's not here.

Chloe: This is strange. Saddam wanted you there! Why would he want that and just leave?

Jack: Maybe he's as indecisive as John Kerry.

Chloe: Jack, you have to find Saddam and stop the satellite!

Jack: I'll send you a picture of this satellite…wow!

Chloe: Jack? Don't become distracted!

Too late, Jack goes to record a sight with his video camera: A shopping bag flying around.

Jack: (thinks) It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in.

Suddenly, the shopping bag comes toward him and blocks his face. He is blind and is choking. Jack falls to the ground and passes out.

_MEANWHILE_

Chloe is still on the phone.

Chloe: Jack? Jack? (hangs up) Oh sweet Lord.

Morris comes by.

Morris: What's wrong?

Chloe: Jack got distracted and now he's passed out.

Morris: What was he distracted by?

Chloe: He kind of said something about a bag.

Morris: Why is it that Jack is always distracted by a bag?

_FLASHBACK_

Jack is on his cell phone, talking to Chloe.

Chloe: You have to go to the kids' playground and infiltrate a gang led by a seven-year-old. They were responsible for stealing a piece of candy from a supermarket.

Jack: More importantly, it was free candy. That's against the law. I am…the law.

Chloe: Whatever. Stop them from hitting their next target. Don't get distracted.

Jack is about to agree when he sees a shopping bag flying.

Jack: Oooooh! It's sooo beautiful!

Chloe: Jack? No!

Jack runs to catch the shopping bag, giggling like someone one-fourth his age when it is caught by a little kid.

Jack: Hey! I saw that first! Give it here!

Kid: Finders keepers! Losers weepers!

Jack: I'm rubber, you're glue!

Kid: That doesn't make any sense.

Jack: Don't make me angry. You don't like me when I'm angry.

Suddenly, Jack turns green and starts growing bigger, ripping his shirt, leaving his pants.

Jack: JACK SMASH!

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Chloe: Wait a minute. Wait…what?

Morris: Okay, half of that was true.

Chloe: Yeah, I thought that was a little farfetched.

Morris: Yeah, I guess being distracted by a shopping bag was a little stupid of me to make up.

Chloe: What the Hell?

Jack: Chloe! A shopping bag just tried to kill me!

Chloe: Enough about shopping bags! We need you to find Saddam or else.

Jack: What are you going to do about it?

Chloe: Saddam is going to do something about it! Now find out how to stop the satellite before Saddam uses it for an even stupider climax! (hangs up)

_Back at the White House_

Jack closes his cell phone.

Jack: Great! I have to stop a crazy madman, stop a satellite dish that intercepts signals to play a bad movie…all before the Prom! Saddam could be anywhere around the world by now!

Jack sighs as he sees a toaster right beside him on a desk. He reaches inside his pocket and takes out a pack of Pop Tarts places two of them in the toaster. He is waiting for them to pop up when he notices something beside it: A semi-automatic gun. He holds it and then he hears a toilet flush from behind him. He turns around with the gun before seeing Saddam come out of a bathroom. There is silence as Saddam looks at Jack, who is aiming the gun at him. Then the toaster pops up and Jack, scared, shoots Saddam to death.

**THE END!**

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: You can't be serious.

Me: I'm not!

**Back to the story**

Jack: Great! I have to stop a crazy madman, stop a satellite dish that intercepts signals to play a bad movie…all before the Prom! Saddam could be anywhere around the world by now!

Jack hears a toilet flush from behind him. He turns around just to see Saddam come out of a bathroom.

Jack: YOU!

Saddam: ZOINKS!

Jack runs to the madman and tackles him down. Saddam is struggling so Jack knocks him out.

Jack: I can't believe I caught Saddam!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: What the Hell?

Me: You like that Jack caught Saddam?

Editor: You're an idiot. You got Jack to catch Saddam is the 12th hour?

Me: You make it sound like a bad thing! I have more tricks up my sleeve!

Editor: What? People getting calls on their cell phones and then they get shot in their heads?

Me: Okay, I ran out of ideas but I made it this far, right?

Editor: Who the Hell would read any of this crap?

Me: Idiots, sir. Pure idiots.

**Back to the story**

**7: 09 pm**

Morris is working on…something at his desk when Bill comes along.

Bill: Hey, Morris. How are you feeling?

Morris: I feel….alive! (jumps up and does a freeze pose)

Bill: Okay….could you come back down?

Morris: Alright. (sits back at his desk)

Bill: I don't know about this whole Saddam being President thing. What if it's only a cover for something big?

Morris: It is a cover for something big. He's using satellites to show a movie that is so bad, that it sucks people's minds and he can control them to do his bidding!

Bill: Really? That's it?

Morris: Pretty much.

Bill: Well, I'm glad we had this talk. (about to walk away) Oh, by the way, Morris. I know this doesn't seem like the time to talk about this but…Chloe says that you drink.

Morris: Oh, that's absolutely ridiculous! Now, can you pass me that huge bottle of apple juice?

Bill: Sure.

Bill hands him a huge bottle that is at the corner of his desk that is marked, **NOT BEER! THIS IS APPLE JUICE! DO NOT TASTE THIS FOR THIS IS ONLY APPLE JUICE!**

Morris: Now, I do not drink.

Bill: I just want to know. I want something to do here. Some days, I go completely unnoticed.

Morris is drunk off the **NOT BEER **liquid and looks at Bill.

Morris: I'm sorry, who are you?

Bill walks away with tears in his eyes.

Bill: (sings) How could this happen to me? I've made my mistakes. Got nowhere to run…

**7: 11 pm**

Chloe is working at her desk but she stops to see Bill walking towards his office, crying. Not caring at all, she gets back to what she was doing when her phone rings. She picks up.

Chloe: Hello?

Jack: (split screen) I got him.

Chloe: Wait, you got Him?

Jack: No, not Him, him.

Chloe: Wait, it's not capitalized?

Jack: No, it's…what?

Chloe: It's him, not Him?

Jack: It's not the character from the Powerpuff Girls! I got Saddam!

Chloe: Thank God! Twelve hours is way too long. (hangs up the phone and stands up) Ladies and gentlemen, we got him!

Bill, Milo and Morris rush to Chloe's desk, hearing the news.

Bill: When did this happen?

Milo: Is Jack finally going to DO something at all?

Morris: My pop tarts look like strawberries.

Everyone looks at Morris as tumbleweed passes by.

Chloe: Jack has finally captured Saddam!

Bill: What the Hell took him so long?

Chloe: You guys should know! You guys have scripts that "predict" the future.

Morris: Yeah but apparently that's cheating. (rolls his eyes and mouths the word "mother")

Chloe: That's the point of having no future scripts telling you what's what.

Bill: In the butt.

Chloe gets out a gun and shoots Bill in the foot, with Bill crying in pain.

Milo: I'll have what he's having.

Chloe: PEOPLE, FOCUS! Jack has caught the most dangerous man ever!

Morris: A foolishly dangerous man if you decide to show North and have everyone do your bidding.

Bill: I'm in horrible pain! HELP ME!

Chloe: Well, that's what you get for making a stupid joke at an inappropriate moment.

Bill: But this is America! Stupid jokes are all the rave!

Chloe: If someone shoots themselves with a gun, will you do it too?

Bill: Uhhhhh….

_FLASHBACK_

Bill and a friend are at his apartment, his friend is holding Bill's gun

Kutner: Alright. Are you sure this thing isn't loaded?

Bill: Of course not.

Kutner: Because I don't want to die. I want to live!

Bill: Yeah, yeah, just put the barrel in your mouth and pull the trigger!

Kutner: Fine. I'm hilarious! I can't be killed off.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Bill: I would if was fun.

**7:16 pm**

Jack has tied up Saddam in a chair at the White House.

Jack: I finally captured you in a way that makes this extremely anti climatic.

Saddam: I can't believe I got caught in the twelfth hour!

Jack: Now, I need you to tell me how to turn this satellite off right now.

Saddam: Tell you? How about I show you?

Jack: Yeah, nice try. If you show me, you'll escape!

Saddam: Scout's honor!

Jack: Dammit! I can't go against the scout's honor code even if he is a terrorist who wants to take over the world!

Jack unties Saddam from the chair and Saddam gets up.

Saddam: A long, long, long, long time ago, before the wind, before the snow. Lived a man, lived a man I know, lived a freak of nature named Sir Psycho. Sir Psycho Sexy that is me…

The terrorist slaps Jack in the face and runs out of the room, laughing. He is almost out of the White House for his escape when he feels something in his chest. It is at first a murmur, which grows into a heart attack. He cannot breathe and he falls to the ground.

Jack is back at the satellite room with a black notebook in his hand.

Jack: You're finished, Kira.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Okay, it's one thing to capture Saddam variably early in the story but won't killing the main villain bring a few devices left unexplained.

Me: So? The movie Independence Day has a lot of plot holes. Like, the daughter of the First Lady doesn't know that her mother died. Plus, the redneck who killed himself to blow himself up…doesn't that seem a little too cartoonish? I mean, him putting his ship into that laser beam to implode the ship is like the equivalent of a cartoon character putting a finger in the barrel of a gun! Plus, Jeff Goldblum is in it, leaving the biggest plot holes in the movie.

Editor: How do you sleep at night?

Me: Knowing full well that you HAVE to read my story, no matter how stupid it gets.

Editor: Could you at least fix this?

Me: Fine.

**Back to the story**

Saddam is tied up in a chair.

Jack: You have to show me how to shut this satellite off!

Saddam: Show you! How about I tell you?

Jack: Saves me time from tying and untying you.

Saddam: But first: I'm going to tell you EVERYTHING. How we got to this very point.

Jack: Don't try to stall. You're tied up and I've watched Marguerite Cho do stand-up comedy. I have a lot of patience.

Saddam: Wow. You saw her in concert? That…I apologize.

Jack: Yeah. So, tell me about your plan to…you know what.

Saddam: Take over the world?

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Jack: That's the reason why I don't want to say those words. That joke gets old.

Saddam: Of course.

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Jack: STOP IT!

Saddam: Sorry.

Jack: Tell me about your plan. I don't think the reader totally gets what's going on.

Saddam: Fine. I was hired to help find Logan's cookies by Cheney, my partner/boyfriend. We helped Logan try to find them but Cheney and I had other plans. Cheney wanted to be President so we got someone to distract him from the real picture. While Logan was worried about his cookies, Cheney and I got Fred to start a YouTube account that kills people who watch his videos. Everyone would focus more on Fred than what we were actually doing. Unfortunately, one of the victim's mothers found out what Fred was doing, confronting him and that caused him to be arrested. We told him if he ever got caught, he would have to kill himself. After this, I used someone to call Logan to the Washington Department Store car lot to tell him who stole the cookies…then kill him. Meanwhile, we had heard that you, Jack Bauer, were finding stuff out, so we hired Goofy to take care of the problem. The plan backfired when he didn't check your pulse PROPERLY and, instead of hiding you in a place that you couldn't get out of, he put you back in CTU. During then, Cheney and I found that Logan wasn't dead yet, so we, well, I, finished the job by killing him with a pin. When we made this public, this made Cheney President. But little did he know that I had a plan of my own. Although, he knew about the satellite plan, he didn't know that I was going to kill him…by getting him to drink something older than he was. Meanwhile, while you caught Goofy, I hired The Rat to stop sabotage the CTU mission and having him making sure that you would never find out about the satellite plan or who stole the President's cookies. I was in a bit of a panic when he was caught too but it quickly passed because you were quickly going towards solving this mystery so I had Goofy tell you a place where you would be set up and kicked off the case…which you managed to get back on. After my two men died, I had to see you so I had one of your people killed so it would distract you, at least temporarily, from your mission. Meanwhile, everyone was watching North so I could control their minds. So, you see, Jack. The cookies were just a cover-up for something much more….bigger. What do you think, Mr. Bauer? Mr. Bauer?

Saddam looks around and sees Jack come out of the bathroom.

Jack: Sorry, I got tired of listening. Can you start over?

Saddam: Sigh.

**7: 24 pm**

Morris is at Chloe's desk.

Morris: So, Jack caught Saddam.

Chloe: Yes, I think I said that loud and clear just a few minutes ago.

Morris: But why does he have all the glory?

Chloe: Maybe if you weren't so concerned about your "Mary Jane", you would've helped out with this investigation that includes so many plot holes.

Morris: But, dahling!

Chloe: Also, you have to learn to speak English properly. It's DARLING, not DAHLING.

Morris: (walks away) I never get any respect. I'll never get it if that Jack guy is still around. I have to act fast.

_MEANWHILE_

Jack is talking with Saddam when he suddenly he clutches his chest in pain, falls to the ground and dies.

_BACK AT CTU_

Morris: Take that, Kira.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: SON OF A –

Me: Fine.

**Back to the story…a few seconds earlier.**

Morris: (walks away) I never get any respect. Now I know how Rodney Dangerfield felt after he did that animated movie where he played a dog that lived in Vegas and did those horrible one liners…I think it was called Suburban Commando.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: What? I don't get it. Suburban Commando was live action…and it wasn't set in Vegas!

Me: Well, there were horrible one-liners in that movie…except that one classic one. Besides, it was so bad, how could you not think it was animation? One indication is that, I don't know, HULK HOGAN IS IN IT!

Editor: Yeah, I suppose you're right.

Me: Of course I'm right.

Editor: That's a lot of stupid.

**Back to the story**

Morris: In some way, I have to help and make a difference.

Milo comes up beside him, holding a piece of paper.

Milo: Morris, can you make photocopies of this?

Morris: There has to be someone who needs my help.

Milo: Ummm, standing right here.

Morris: I have to gain their trust.

Milo: You can start by making copies of….

Morris walks away in his own world.

Milo: Dammit. (his cell phone rings; answers it) Hello? (gets shot through the head)

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: I'm guessing that court wasn't enough for you to realize that I hate that joke.

Me: What can I say? I'm a genius.

**Back to the story…Milo getting shot didn't happen but we won't hold that against me. **

**7: 28 pm**

Chloe is at her desk…still…when he cell phone rings.

Chloe: (answers) Hello?

Jack: Chloe! I need help to stop this satellite.

Chloe: Saddam is there with you. Couldn't you just ask him?

Jack: I didn't listen to his plan to take over the world…

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Jack: …so he's not telling me anything else.

Chloe: If I know Saddam, and I don't, he probably published a book about his plans.

Jack: That is careless!

Chloe: Yes, for an evil mastermind whose plans were to take over people's minds by a movie, he sure doesn't think of things properly.

Jack: You said it!

Chloe: So, what type of model is the satellite? The name of it is somewhere on it.

Jack: Just a second.

**TWO MINUTES LATER**

Jack: Windows '95.

Chloe: I'm sorry, Windows '95?

Jack: Yep, that's what it says.

Chloe: He hasn't even upgraded the satellite? HOW THE HELL DID HE DO ALL THAT WITH WINDOWS '95?

Jack: I don't know.

Chloe: ASK HIM! HE'S RIGHT…NEVER MIND!

Jack: How do I stop this machine?

Morpheus: WE MUST…FIGHT…THE MACHINES! WE MUST…RAGE…AGAINST….THE MACHINES!

Chloe: Uhhh…okaaaaay. Jack, there is a small hatch on the side of it.

_MEANWHILE_

Jack is looking for the small door for a few seconds. He finds a small hatch.

Jack: I found it.

Chloe: Open it.

Jack opens it and sees an on/off switch, with it turned on.

Jack: Got it. It's just an on/off switch.

Chloe: Switch it off.

Jack turns the switch off. The satellite turns off. All the televisions in the room return to their regular channels.

Jack: Okay, what now?

Chloe: That's it.

Jack: Really? That's it. Something that could easily be done by a five-year-old?

Chloe: Yeah, the world's biggest madman is apparently can't keep up with today's technology.

Jack: So, everyone else will be back to normal?

Chloe: Pretty much. Don't let Saddam out of your sight…do NOT get distracted.

Jack: Don't worry! Me getting distracted is like me going to…SQUIRREL! Hi, there!

Chloe: Sigh. We have to get Saddam here for questioning.

Jack: For what? He told me everything!

Chloe: He did but you have a very short attention span.

_FLASHBACK_

Jack is trying to disarm a bomb at a house with Chloe's help on his cell phone.

Chloe: Okay, Jack, you must cut the blue wire.

Jack: Piece of cake…cake…OH MY GOD! Chloe! I have to call someone!

Chloe: NO! JACK, YOU F-

Jack hangs up and dials another number.

Milo: Hello?

Jack: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Milo: Oh thanks! You're the last person to know about it, though.

Jack: Well, better late than never! See you later, birthday boy! (hangs up) Now, what was I doing again?

The house blows up.

MCGRUBER!

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Jack: I don't remember that happening.

Chloe: That's because you have an attention span like a gnat.

Jack: A what?

Chloe: Sigh. Just get your ass back here.

Jack hangs up the phone.

Jack: Short attention span. Who is she kidding?

Laughter scares from behind him spooks Jack. He turns around to see a tied up Saddam, laughing.

Saddam: LMAO!

Jack: What's so funny?

Saddam: You may have won the battle but you've lost the war.

Jack: Of course I won the war!

Saddam: I'm guessing you're not seeing the bigger picture here. What if the whole thing about the satellite was only a distraction?

Jack: I know it was. The satellite plot point was a distraction for the President's cookies?

Saddam: That's what you think and you're half right. Only what if the distraction was a distraction for something else?

Jack: Like what, a horrible sequel to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

Saddam: I can only pray this much…please be unconscious.

Jack: What?

Jack is suddenly hit at the back of the head and passes out.

**7: 35 pm**

Bill is sitting in his office, working, when Chloe comes in.

Bill: Ah, Chloe. Good news about Saddam being caught?

Chloe: Yep! And all the satellite is off, meaning everything on TV is back to normal and so is everyone else!

Bill: Great! My porn is back on line! (goes for his laptop)

Chloe: Shouldn't we prepare for when Jack brings in Saddam?

Bill: I am preparing! I have to relax!

Chloe: By looking at porn?

Bill: Do you have any better ideas?

Chloe: Watch The House Bunny? Showgirls? Charlie's Angels 2?

Bill: They all suck.

Chloe: I don't believe it. Does EVERYONE use the Internet for porn?

Morris comes in and yells, in delight.

Morris: YAY! The Internet is free from Saddam's witchcraft!

Chloe: It wasn't witchcraft…

Morris: Whatever! I'm going to watch peep shows on the Internet. Hey, Chloe? Can I borrow some cash?

Chloe: Hell no!

Morris: Fine, I'll take some from your secret stash.

Chloe: I hid my secret stash away from here!

Bill: Like between your mattresses at home?

Chloe: (looks around, nervously) Uh, no.

Morris: Fine, I have your credit card. (leaves)

Chloe: (checks her pockets) HEY!

Bill: Oh man oh man oh man oh man! What do we do when Saddam gets here? Will he like me?

Chloe: Bill! He's a terrorist!

Bill: But have you seen his eyes? It's like staring into a beautiful sunset.

Chloe: Yes, if you replace beautiful sunset with dangerous madman, than yes! You are one hundred percent correct.

Bill: I'm glad that we're speaking the same lingady!

Chloe: Look, Bill, I understand that you're excited about seeing Saddam but you can't act like a schoolgirl when a bad guy comes here.

Bill: I do naht act like a schoolgirl. I do naht!

Chloe: Oh really?

There is silence.

Chloe: No flashback? I thought there would be a flashback, all right. Look, just promise me that you won't embarrass me in front of the bad guy?

Bill: (gets up from desk) Oh, Chloe. How will I ever embarrass you?

Bill than trips on a desk leg and flies through a window, falling headfirst into a photocopier.

Carter: Damn! He ain't gonna be in Rush Hour 4!

Lee: What?

They both laugh.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Okay, I know you're stealing these jokes from somewhere and then telling them to death. You're the Denis Leary of these stories.

Me: (looks around, nervous) Um…uh…the Bat Signal! Got to go! (crashes through a window and lands on a photocopier)

Editor: Oh sweet buttery Jesus. If anyone reads this, they'd beg this guy to stop writing.

**Back to the story**

**7: 42 pm**

Milo is on his computer at his desk when Morris comes along.

Morris: Good news! Saddam's satellite is down and now the Internet is free from North!

Milo: Hooray! I get to catch up on House!

Morris: What about porn?

Milo: There's no porn on House.

Morris: I mean, don't you check porn over the Internet?

Milo: No, I just watch TV shows. When did this become about watching porn on the computer?

Morris: I'm alone sometimes.

Milo: Everybody hurts.

Morris: My God, this is turning into Degrassi High!

Bill walks to the two men, glum.

Milo: Yo, Bill, what's the deal?

Bill: Chloe's pregnant.

Milo and Morris look at each other.

Morris: Cool…

Bill: I think I'm the father.

Milo: Tell her to get an abortion!

Morris slaps Milo in the face.

Morris: You idiot! I was about to say that!

A pregnant girl comes along and talks to them.

Juno: Alright, bro. I'm going to give you 411 on this whole dillio. You gotta go into the world with the cap locks with your lower cases. It's completely jazzy like The Fresh Prince. If you have that baby, it'll be like talking on a hamburger phone with your BFF on the fourth of July, free with chicken without the skin. You know what I'm saying?

Bill: What?

Morris: She's speaking English words but I don't know what she's talking about.

Juno: I'm talking about the lovin in the oven. The best song on an album. Free samples at the most expensive food store.

Milo: It's like she turned the English language into an unsolvable puzzle!

Morris: Bill, do you have any idea what she's talking about?

Bill: Not really. (cell phone rings) Hello?

Juno: I'm talking about the seed's consequence. You know? The spice in chili peppers?

Milo: Are we going to miss her?

Morris: Not really.

Milo: Good. (gets out a gun and shoots Juno to death)

Bill gets off his phone, smiling.

Bill: Good news! I wasn't paying attention to what Chloe was saying so I heard her wrong! Chloe's not pregnant, her niece is!

Milo: Wonderful!

Bill: Yeah! She'll be here in a few minutes. I don't know how because she was possibly part of the world who watched that movie and acts like nothing happened.

Morris: Send my regards!

Bill: Yeah, Chloe says her name was…OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO HER?

Morris: She was being really annoying so we killed Juno.

Milo: Did the whole world a favor.

Bill: But Juno is Chloe's niece!

Morris: Whoops.

Bill: Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man (starts spinning around) Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man!

Morris: (stops Bill from spinning anymore) Get a hold of yourself! We have to hide the body and make sure Chloe doesn't find out about this!

Bill: Alright! She's going to be here in a couple of seconds! You and Milo dispose of the body while I distract Chloe in order to end this pointless scene!

Morris and Milo pick up the body of Juno.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Say, what was the point of that scene?

Me: One more word and I cut you.

**At the editor's desk…for real.**

Editor: No, seriously. What the Hell was the point of that scene and the editor's desk.

Me: Stalling for time.

Editor: Stalling for what? (clutches his heart in pain and dies on his desk)

Me: (holding a death note) The world is safer without you.

**At the REAL editor's desk**

Editor: Alright. That's enough. (takes out his cell phone and calls someone)

Me: (cell phone rings; answers it) Hello? (gets shot through the head)

Editor: Ha! (hears a voice on his cell phone) Hello? (gets shot through the head)

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Editor: (gets up) Alright. Enough wasting time.

Me: (gets up) Fine. Just read how this chapter ends.

**Back to the…urk! (falls down, dead)**

Editor: DUDE!

Me: Fine.

**Back to the story**

**7: 49 pm**

Chloe walks around CTU when she notices something peculiar on the floor: Blood. Bill walks along to her.

Bill: Oh hi Chloe. I didn't see you there!

Chloe: I told you that I would be here a few seconds ago!

Bill: A HA HA HA HA HA! What a funny story, Mark!

Chloe: It's not a funny story and my name is…

Eminem: Slim Shady!

Chloe: Okay…anyway, what's with all the blood?

Bill: Morris is on his period.

Chloe: But he's a man…I think. Besides, that's a lot of blood for a period.

Bill: That's because he's a man!

Chloe: That doesn't make any sense.

Bill: Neither does life!

Chloe: Whatever! Listen, I haven't heard from Jack in almost half an hour. By 24 standards, that's like a century!

Bill: Look, Chloe….

Chloe: No, you look! He was supposed to give us updates on Saddam's capture! What if something happened to him?

Bill: Jack has gotten into situations worse than this.

_FLASHBACK_

Jack and some other guys are in a dark basement, in a circle.

Jack: The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club, is DO NOT talk about Fight Club.

Random Person: (on his cell phone) Dude, there's this thing in this basement called Fight Club and it kicks ass. Hold on, someone's on the other line. (clicks a button) Hello? (gets shot through the head)

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Chloe: That didn't happen, did it?

Bill: No, I was just stalling for time.

Chloe: For what?

Suddenly, Milo and Morris walk behind her, covered in Juno's blood.

Milo: Well, Bill. We did that thing you asked us to do.

Chloe looks at the two men.

Chloe: What happened to you two?

Morris: Milo got his period.

Chloe: Hold on a minute. Bill says that Morris got his period but Morris says that Milo got HIS period. Someone's here is lying…well? Who is it?

Bill and Milo look at each other. Milo and Morris look at each other. Bill and Chloe look at each other. Morris and Bill look at each other. Chloe and Morris look at each other. Bill looks at the air.

Chloe: Whatever. It's probably just ketchup.

Bill: Sure, we're not wasting time…

Chloe: Wasting time? For what?

Suddenly, an explosion comes from outside. The characters go to check it out and see a car on fire.

Chloe: OH MY GOD! JUNO! (goes to car) SOMEONE CALL 911! SOMEONE CALL 911!

Bill: (whispers to the two men) Nice job on the explosion.

Morris: That wasn't supposed to happen.

Milo: We just put C4 in there to hide the body so Chloe wouldn't notice it.

Bill: You guys do know C4 is a type of explosion, right?

Morris and Milo look at each other.

Morris and Milo: Awwwww, damn.

**7: 53 pm**

There are split screens. Chloe is on her knees, looking at her cousin's burning car. Milo and Morris are giggling and pointing at Chloe. Bill is smoking a cigarette in a gas leaking office.

Jack is waking up after an unnecessary blow to the head. He looks around and sees that he's alone…the chair that Saddam was tied up in is empty.

Jack: Didn't see this coming.

Jack gets up and looks at the empty chair. There is a note. He picks it up and reads it.

Jack: _Dear Jack Ass…_wait, how does he know my real name..._By the time that you have woken up, I've already escaped by using your helicopter…_out of ALL the days I leave the keys in somewhere, someone steals it…_thanks to my boyfriend knocking you out and helping me escape. Like I said a billion times, or a few, you've won the battle but you've lost the war. From, Saddam…_ _P.S. I love you…_I knew it!..._PPS, call me using the phone that is beside the satellite at 7:58 pm. Hit redial._

Jack looks at the shut down satellite and sees a phone placed beside it. Jack takes out his cell phone and calls Chloe, who picks up.

Chloe: (crying) Hello?

Jack: Chloe, I…are you crying?

Chloe: Yes! My cousin was killed in an explosion!

Jack: Was it Juno?

Chloe: Yeah.

Jack: (whispers off the phone) Thank you, God.

God: No problem. Now, I'm off to kill off Steven Segal's career and give back Jean Claude Van-Damme his own back. (disappears)

Jack: (back on the phone) Sorry about your "loss" but...

Chloe: Wait, why did you put loss in quotes?

Jack: Uhhh, I lost Saddam!

Chloe: WHAT? Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man (starts spinning) Oh God…

Jack: What am I going to do?

Chloe: You have to tell Bill.

Jack: No! I will not tell Bill!

Bill: (on the phone) Hey Jack! You're not going to tell me what?

Jack: Saddam escaped.

Bill: SON OF A-! I knew if we captured a main antagonist too early, something would happen to them!

Chloe: Yeah, we're kind of predictable right now.

Jack: So what are we going to do now?

Bill: We? No, Jack! You're off the case! We're getting someone else to be in this crime scene investigation.

Jack: What a horrible plug in…but I shut off the satellite!

Bill: Did you destroy the movie?

Jack: Of course I did!

Jack looks around and finds a DVD player. He opens it and sees the movie North. He takes it out and smashes it with his foot, loudly.

Bill: What the Hell was that?

Jack: Morris is having his period.

Bill: Impossible…Morris is right here! And besides, I saw you destroy the movie through the split screen that the writer made me notice right now!

Jack turns around and sees Bill looking at him through the split screens.

Jack: Crap!

Bill: Don't you mean dammit?

Jack pulls out his gun and shoots at Bill's split screen, narrowly missing Bill.

Bill: How the Hell did you…

Jack: Nobody tells me what to do!

Bill: I AM YOUR BOSS! I TELL YOU WHAT TO DO!

Jack: Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Bill: I'm sorry but you are off the case. Good day.

Jack: But…but, sir.

Bill: I said, good day!

Bill closes his phone and his split screen, leaving Jack to sigh.

Jack: Sigh.

He looks at his watch: 7: 58. He picks up the phone and presses speed dial.

Jack: I sure hope it's a pizza place.

The other line is picked up.

Saddam: Mr. Bauer, hello! I missed you.

Jack: You did? Aww, shucks. I missed you too…WAIT A MINUTE! Where the hell is Carmen Sandiago?

Saddam: She's all over the world!

Jack: Oh…good point. Where the Hell are you?

Saddam: First of all, I don't think you supposed to capitalize hell. It's supposed to be hell, not Hell. Second of all, you have to find out if you want to save her.

Jack: Hell is a place, meaning it's a verb, meaning it can be capitalized. In your…save who?

Saddam: Here! Start talking!

Another voice leaves Jack shocked.

Kim Bauer: DADDY! HELP!

Jack: KIM! NNNOOOOOOOOOOO!

Darth Vader: NNNNOOOOOOOOO!

Saddam: I'm going to do my worst do her! Even worse that what I did to the whole world!

Jack: Let me get this straight. The stolen President's cookies were a distraction from you taking over the world…

Bison: (turns around) Of course! (cell phone rings; answers it) Hello? (gets shot though the head)

Jack: (puts away gun) …and THAT was a distraction from you kidnapping my seldom seen daughter?

Saddam: Correct!

Jack: That's stupid!

Saddam: And now, I'm going to show her one of the worst movies of ALL time. Even worse than North! Can you guess what that is?

Jack: GASP! YOU DON'T MEAN….

Saddam: No, not that one.

Jack: Oh. (think for a moment) GASP!

Saddam: No, try again.

Jack: Hmmm…OH MY GOD! NO!

Saddam: That's right. I'll show it to her real soon. Goodbye, Mr. Bauer. (hangs up)

Jack calls Chloe again.

Chloe: Hey, Jack. What's up?

Jack: They have my daughter.

Chloe: Jesus Christ. AGAIN? MY GOD! I AM SO SICK OF THIS!

**7:59:57**

**7:59:58**

**7:59:59**

**8:00:00**

Next time on 24.

Morris and Milo are surrounded by Asian ninjas.

Milo: What do we do?

Morris: You go this way, I go that way!

Milo: Perfect plan!

_MOMENTS LATER_

Morris and Milo are bleeding at death.

Milo: So this is what death feels like. So overrated.

Then…

Bill and Chloe are at Chloe's office.

Bill: Since Jack is off the case, we got someone hammier than Jack.

Chloe: Bill Nye The Science Guy?

Bill: Lawls! Ridiculous! (calls out) COME IN!

A man comes in, holding a handheld mirror.

Dick Solomon: OH MY GOD! I'M GORGEOUS!

Next…

Saddam and Heath are in Jack's helicopter.

Saddam: I'll get you next time, Gadget! Next time!

Heath: MEOW!

Finally…Jack.

Jack: (sings) How could this happen to me? I made my mistakes….

*shudders* That's next on 24.


	13. Chapter 13

DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN ANY 24 CHARACTERS! PLEASE ENJOY OR READ SOMETHING ELSE…preferring Marcen12.

**Previously on 24…**

Jack and Chloe are at a restaurant, sitting at a table.

Chloe: I think we should break up.

Jack: What? Why?

Chloe: I'm not happy.

Jack: You're not happy? I'm happy.

Chloe: You're happy? Jack, we've been like Sid and Nancy for a couple of months now.

Jack: Chloe, Sid stabbed Nancy a bunch of times. Besides, I hardly think that I'm Sid Vicious.

Chloe: No, no. I'm Sid.

Jack: Oh, so I'm Nancy?

Then…

Morris opens the front door of his house to see two men in black suits.

Morris: Oh, hi…oh, great. Milo, the Mormons are here! Just what we need.

Agent Kay: We need to ask you questions.

Milo appears beside Morris.

Milo: Oh, great. These guys are worse…they're Jehovah's Witnesses.

Agent Jay: We have reason to believe that you are hiding an illegal alien in your home.

Milo: Look, I don't know what the Hell you're talking about. We believe in Jesus as the next guy but we don't need it shoved in our faces.

Suddenly, the garage door opens and out comes a kid in a red sweater riding a bike, with an unidentified object in a basket in front of the handlebars.

Kay: We have our alien. It's on.

Morris: It's on! Oh boy! I'm getting my dance clothing.

Next…

Bill is playing on the other side of safety bars…which are closed off due to a huge waterfall.

Bill: Look, Mommy! I'm having fun!

His mother is looking straight into the sun, her eyes burning.

Mom: That's nice, dear. Very colorful cannonball.

Suddenly, Bill falls off the safety bars, falling into the waterfall. Nearby, a superhero shakes his head, not doing anything.

Superman: He's stupider than the woman who tried to shield her baby with her arms when a building piece was going to fall on her.

Lois Lane: Aren't you going to help him?

Superman: I saved him once from this situation. He should've learned.

Finally…

Jack, Chloe and Morris are in a vent, watching Saddam and Heath torture Kim Bauer, who is tied up in a chair, by making her watch Casper. (WHICH IS NOT THE MOVIE THAT THEY ARE ACTUALLY GOING TO TORTURE HER WITH)

Jack: Dammit! They're killing her.

Morris: How are we going to save her? We're blocked by this vent door!

Chloe: Use your head.

_MOMENTS LATER_

Jack and Chloe are using Morris's head as a battering ram, running fast to the vent door.

Morris: BUT I DON'T WANT TO USE MY HEAD!

Jack, Chloe and Morris: AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

_MOMENTS LATER_

The bodies of Jack, Chloe and Morris are piled on top of each other by Heath.

Saddam: Those guys were real idiots.

Kim: Sadly, I'd have to agree.

_**The following takes place between 8:00 pm to 9:00 pm.**_

**8:00 pm**

Bill is at his desk, working on…playing Clue…even though it CLEARLY says Monopoly…when Chloe comes in.

Chloe: Jack needs our help.

Bill: Too bad. He's off the case.

Chloe: But his daughter is kidnapped and…

Bill: AGAIN? Jesus Christ, that girl hadn't made an appearance in this story and somehow…SOMEHOW…she gets kidnapped! I swear that a record. The writer of this story should be ashamed of himself.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: You do know you're the writer of this "jumping the shark" story, right?

Me: Correct.

Editor: Did you write that "the writer of this story should be ashamed of himself"?

Me: I did.

Editor: Is there something you'd like to share?

Me: Like what?

Editor: Oh sweet Lord. It's like talking at a brick wall…and even brick walls have colors and personalities.

**Back to the story**

Chloe: Jack needs to find Saddam! You can't just throw him off the case!

Bill: I can! Because I'm the boss!

Chloe: Oh really? What makes you the boss?

Bill: Well, let me give you the 911 on myself.

Chloe: It's not 911, it's…

Bill interrupts her by taking a cap out of his pocket and putting it backwards on his head.

Bill: I'm DJ Money in the house. Feel my sick rhymes.

Chloe: Oh God. I better get the White-O-Meter.

The White-O-Meter consists of a scale ranging from White to Vanilla Ice to Conan O'Brian to Invisible. As the music starts, and Bill is dancing, rather horribly, the meter is going between Vanilla Ice and Conan O'Brian.

Bill: Aww, yeah. I'm gonna drop some funky lyrics.

The White-O-Meter goes all the way to Invisible, dinging so many times, it explodes.

Bill: (raps) I talk to corporate…like a boss. Make deals…like a boss. Remember birthdays…like a boss. Steal money from Chloe…like a boss. Use her credit…like a boss. Hit on Audrey…like a boss. Get rejected…like a boss. Swallow sadness…like a boss. Kiss a….

Chloe pulls out a gun and shoots Bill to death. She looks at the reader.

Chloe: What? He was RAPPING! I was doing you a favor!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (laughing) That was funny.

Me: But I didn't write that part!

Editor: And that's why it's so funny.

**Back to the story**

Bill jumps up after getting shot...acting like as if nothing happened.

Bill: Thank God for my bulletproof vest. (feels himself) Wait, I'm wearing a bulletproof vest. Oh well, I'll let someone else fill in the plot hole. As I was saying, I am the boss of CTU! I control everyone, even Jack!

Chloe: So, if Jack is off the case, who will be put on?

Bill: We already had someone in mind while everyone else in the world was sucked into that crappy movie. In fact, he was part of the few that didn't watch it.

Chloe: In that case, why didn't this person show up to, I don't know, HELP US CAPTURE SADDAM!

Bill: I'll admit that I'm a complete idiot for not sending him in but I finally got a hold of him.

There is a knock on the door.

Bill: Ah, I think that's him now! (calls out) You can come in!

The door opens and in comes in a man with red hair, looking at the floor (NOT MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH ANYONE), with his hands on his hips, wearing sunglasses…indoors.

Chloe: No.

Bill: Chloe, I'd like you to meet Horatio Caine.

Horatio: (still looking at the floor) Nice to meet you.

**At the editor desk**

Editor: No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. NO! NO! NNNNOOOO! GOD NO! NO! NO! AAAAHHHHH GOD NO! NO! WHOA NO! No. No. No! NO! NNNOOOO! NO! NO! NO!

Me: So, you like it?

Editor: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? OH SWEET BUTTERY JESUS! YOU HAVE JUMPED THE SHARK! YOU HAVE OFFICIALLY JUMPED THE SHARK! FIX IT! FIX IT! FIX IT! FIX IT! (pause) FIX IT! FIX IT! FIX IT! FIX IT!

Me: So, what do you want me to do?

Editor: (gets out a gun) Get the Hell out of here.

Me: I understand. You don't want to express your joy in front of me since a character from another show is in this story.

Editor: If you don't get out of here, I'll be expressing SOMETHING!

Me: Ooooh! Can I see what you express?

Editor: My pleasure. First, I want to see where this train wreck goes.

**Back to the story**

Bill offers his hand to Horatio.

Bill: Thank you for being here.

Horatio: (looks at Bill's hand, then back to the ground) The pleasure is all mine.

Bill: You know what your main goal for this investigation is…find Saddam and bring him in.

Horatio: I won't let you down.

Chloe: Wait, how does he know about this? Jack told us that he lost Saddam a few minutes ago.

Bill: Jack has a tendency of losing things.

_FLASHBACK_

Jack is working at his desk when Bill comes up to him, angry.

Bill: You made me lose my virginity.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Chloe: That flashback was pointless. In fact, you can make trading cards out of all the pointless flashbacks in this story.

Bill: Oh! I hope it's Pokémon!

Chloe: I'm surprised your stupidity hasn't killed you. I'm surprised that people are actually reading this far into the story.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Is there something you're not telling me?

Me: No, why?

Editor: It's like you're saying whoever reads this is a moron.

Me: But, you're reading this.

Editor: Oh God! I'm a complete idiot! I'm you!

**Back to the story**

Bill: Horatio is on this case full time! That's an order! Horatio, you will be taking Jack's desk.

Horatio: My time has come. (walks out of the room)

Chloe: But where will Jack sit when he gets back?

Bill: He'll be sitting in Horatio's desk.

Chloe: But Horatio doesn't have a desk.

Bill: Exactly.

Chloe: I'm not clear about what you're saying.

Bill: Jack's not going to work here anymore.

Chloe: Well, why couldn't you say that?

Bill: (sings, in theme of Thriller) Cuz this is filler! Filler night!

Chloe gets out her gun and shoots Bill in the chest. She looks at the reader.

Chloe: If only he was really dead.

**8:09 pm**

Jack is running out of the White House when his cell phone rings. He answers it.

Jack: Hello?

Chloe: Jack, it's Chloe.

Jack: I'm on my way back to CTU. I'll be back in an hour or so.

Chloe: Jack, brace yourself. I got some bad news.

Jack: Oh God. It's between Hilary Clinton and Sarah Palin for Presidency, isn't it? I knew this day would come. (pulls out a vile of poison from his pocket and drinks it)

Chloe: No, Jack. You're off the case.

Jack: Oh. (jams fingers down his throat and throws up all of the poison) Not as bad, but still…

Chloe: Your daughter is in danger!

Jack: I know! I have to save her, yadda, yadda, yadda, the same thing as always. So, who's replacing me this time?

Chloe: Some guy named Horatio Caine.

Jack: (drops the phone) Oh God. Oh Man. Oh God. Oh…

Chloe: DAMMIT, JACK!

Jack: (picks up phone) Sorry, I had a moment of stupidity. I can't let that man get to my daughter.

Chloe: You do know that he's on our side…

Jack: DAMMIT, CHLOE! CALM THE HELL DOWN! THERE IS NO REASON TO PANIC! THERE IS NO REASON!

Chloe: (slaps Jack) You have to calm down.

Jack: How the Hell did you slap me? There were no split screens this time.

Chloe: Shut up and leave the plot holes to the reader, Jack. Listen, I don't really like this Horatio guy. He's always looking at the ground and he never makes eye contact.

Jack: Well, I'm going to get to my daughter and bring her safe and sound before HE…brings her in safe and sound.

Chloe: I'm going to ignore what you just said because I'll be with you all the way…oh, hang on. Call waiting. I have to go.

Jack: CHLOE, WAIT! (hears dial tone) Dammit! (cell phone rings; answers it) Hello?

Jack: Stop using my word. (hangs up)

Jack: Who was that girl?

Jack goes to the chopper, which was supposed to have been stolen by Saddam but you fill in the plot holes, and flies it to CTU…even though he's not supposed to be there.

Jack: Oh yeah. Where do I go?

A yellow sponge cartoon is sitting beside him.

SpongeBob Square pants: You have to use your…(makes a rainbow with his hands) imaginaaaaaation.

Jack: (screams) OH MY GOD! TALKING SPONGE!

Jack kicks the sponge out of the chopper.

Jack: Wait…that thing wasn't real, was it? How did I kick something that wasn't real as if it were? Why am I asking myself these questions in a story that has nothing to do with logic?

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: You know, your characters are beginning to have more brains that you.

Me: But I wrote them to have some logic. Doesn't that mean that I have the most logic?

Editor: Hell no.

**Back to the story**

**8: 15 pm**

Morris and Milo are looking at Horatio, who is just standing around, looking at the ground, sunglasses on, hands on his hips, the whole deal.

Morris: Oh my God! Isn't he cute?

Milo: Oh my God! Yes!

Horatio takes off his glasses with, for some reason, wind blowing in his hair.

Milo: I think…I think I'm going to orgasm.

Morris: Did you see how he took off his glasses?

Milo: He's such a dreamboat.

Chloe comes along and looks at the two men.

Chloe: What are you guys drooling about?

Milo: Who is that man?

Morris: He's not a man…he's a god.

Chloe: That is Jack's replacement, Horatio Caine.

Morris: Oh, he can hold my cane.

Milo: No, he can hold mine!

Chloe: Something is wrong with you guys.

Milo: Can you talk to him for us? We're too excited to see him.

Chloe looks at their pants and sees….

Chloe: Wow. I can see that. Anymore excited and you'll be gushing.

Morris: Talk to him for us! You've met him.

Chloe: How did you know! You guys weren't around when I did!

Morris and Milo look at each other and shove their scripts deeper into their pockets.

Milo: Here's the thing, Chloe. We haven't had a sexy man around here since Audrey.

Morris: And we need to see if he talks the way he looks…so sexy.

Chloe: Fine. I'll see what I can do.

Chloe walks up to Horatio…who is STILL standing around.

Chloe: Mr. Caine?

Horatio: (not making eye contact with her) Yes, O'Brian?

Chloe: I have two people who want to see you.

Horatio: You mean those two gentlemen who are masturbating to my every move?

Chloe: You're not really doing anything but, yes, those guys.

Horatio: Don't worry. I'll deal with them.

Chloe: Great! It's getting really sticky on the floor around here…

Horatio: Looks like you've landed into a (puts on sunglasses) sticky situation. (walks away)

Milo and Morris swoon and fall on the ground.

Chloe: (rolls her eyes) Oh dear God. I haven't seen anything so cheesy since Jeff Goldblum used to work here.

_FLASHBACK_

Chloe goes up to a co-worker's desk.

Chloe: Did you find out the terrorist's plot to destroy the planet?

Jeff Goldblum: Uh, well, yes. It's uh, kind, um, obvious that, well, the terrorists want…um, something of ours. They want something…some THING….of ours. But…but, but, but. If the terrorists…um…don't get what they want…uh…you know what that means? Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. (looks into Chloe's eyes) Checkmate.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Chloe: What a horrible waste of twenty seconds. Who the Hell is still reading this?

Chloe looks at the reader (YOU) and walks to her desk, stepping over the bodies of Morris and Milo. She goes ahead and checks her e-mail when she notices something in her inbox. The sender is called The Brat. She clicks on it and reads the message.

Message: Does your friend have a daughter that has been kidnapped? Do you want to know where they are? Is your name Chloe?

Chloe scratches her head, confused.

Message: Well, you've read the right message! We have someone who can help you with your needs! All you have to do is go to California and ask for The Brat at the local biker bar.

Chloe picks up the phone to call Jack.

**8: 20 pm**

Jack is still riding his chopper.

Jack: (singing) Even flow! Run around like butterflies!

During this time, his cell phone rings. He answers it.

Jack: Hello?

Chloe's split screen appears.

Chloe: Jack! I know how to find your daughter!

Jack: Can't it wait? I'm so tired! Can't it wait until chapter 24?

Chloe: She'll probably be dead then!

Jack: Oh yeah! So, how do I do it?

Chloe: You have to go to California and go to the local biker bar, asking for The Brat.

Jack: I just passed California a few minutes ago. I guess I can turn back.

Chloe: God speed. (hangs up)

Chloe is about to go back to work when she realizes something.

Chloe: What if that email was a scam? What if Jack is going to fall into a trap? What if California isn't on the way to CTU, making the writer of this story too lazy to do research to do anything but write garbage along the way?

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: If I don't know any better, I'd say that these characters have a bit more common sense than you!

Me: Well, I have a bit more common sense of SHUT THE HELL UP!

**Back to the story**

Bill walks to Chloe's desk.

Bill: Chloe. Was it a good idea to hire Horatio?

Chloe: Why do you ask me?

Bill: Well…he's a good worker. Don't get me wrong. However, ever since I've hired him, he's done nothing but pose like he's on GQ or something.

Chloe: Give him a chance. I'm sure he'll do fine.

Bill: I think he's already doing fine. He made Milo and Morris swoon. That's never happened since they saw Christopher Walken in The Country Bears.

Chloe: Those guys have such low standards.

Bill: Don't feel bad about Jack. He's always learned how to land on his feet.

Chloe: That doesn't explain why he ended up on a wheelchair for jumping off a chair.

Bill: I'll admit that Bauer isn't the smartest person in the world but at least he's trying.

Chloe: Not really. He is a moron at times. Most of his actions don't even make sense.

_FLASHBACK_

A man comes out of his house and puts a full garbage bag out on the curb. Meanwhile, Jack watches him put it down, with a crazed look on his face.

Jack: Garbage Day!

Man: What?

Jack pulls out a pistol and aims for the man.

Man: No!

Jack shoots the man, who goes down.

Jack: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jack twirls the gun with his finger and blows over the barrel of the weapon, walking away.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Oh dear God.

Me: I thought you were atheist.

Editor: I'm going to be soon. I don't think God would perform a miracle to make me stop reading this.

Me: You don't have to hide the truth.

**Back to the story**

**8:25 pm**

Jack lands in California. (this story is getting more and more stupider but, hey, this was made by Marcen12, expectations should've been low in Chapter 1) He looks around and sees a biker bar called…

Jack: Hell's Angels. Must be a gay bar.

He goes inside and sees the usual biker bar site. There is sad music playing, biker men sitting and drinking beer quietly. Two people are playing pool. Jack looks around at this sad site and breathes in.

Jack: Hello, everyone! I'm Jack Bauer, CTU! I just want to ask a few questions!

There are some glances but, mostly, everyone is looking at their alcohol.

Jack: Anyone?

No answer.

Jack: Who wants gum?

A biker is about to raise his hand but another biker slaps his hand down.

Jack: Tough crowd.

Jack goes to the bar, takes out a $20 bill and gives it to the barkeeper, who takes it and puts it in his pocket.

Jack: I'm looking for a person who lives around here.

Barkeeper: The last person who looked for someone was killed a few minutes later so you better be careful about who you have to look for.

Jack: Who was the last person?

Barkeeper: I don't know his name but the person who he was looking for was named Ray Finkle. He was an eccentric drink of water. Got killed by a bunch of pigeons a few minutes after leaving.

Jack: Well, I'm looking for someone who isn't as important, goes by The Brat.

Suddenly, a pool ball smashes near Jack, against a wall. The music stops. Jack picks up the ball.

Jack: Looks like I came to the right place.

The bikers at the pool table walk over to Jack, menacingly. Everyone else does the same.

Jack: Easy, I come in piece!

One of the bikers smashes a beer bottle and raises the broken object to Jack's face.

Biker: Do you want to start something up in here?

Jack: (looks at the bottle) Oh, you want to start something, huh? Alright.

Jack goes through his jacket pocket and pulls out a DVD: Tank Girl. The bikers are scared and back away slowly. The biker with the glass bottle puts the bottle down.

Biker: Okay, okay. Take it easy. We mean no harm. We're all friends here. Just please put that thing away, for the love of God.

Jack: I will! First, tell me what you guys know about The Brat.

All the bikers look at each other, confused.

Biker: Don't tell us that you've never heard of The Brat?

Jack: Why? Should I?

The bikers are shocked even more.

Biker: You have a lot of balls to ask about The Brat, let alone not knowing who he is. He is less of a god but more than a man. Anyone who goes to see him is more likely to die quicker than looking into the eyes of Chuck Norris.

Barkeeper: He's cool. He's tough. But most of all… (leans towards Jack) he's bad.

Jack: Do you guys know where to find this person?

Biker: He is where the sun sets the same time the moon comes up. He is where God and Satan are the good and bad of the desert. He is where the ghosts of the Earth roam around the bodies of the last living souls. That…is where you will find…The Brat.

Jack: That didn't help at all. That was a horrible joke.

Biker: It's a riddle.

Jack: That wasn't very funny. Anyway, do you know where The Brat is?

Biker: No! But we know where his parents live! Don't we, boys?

Barkeeper: WE SURE DO! Mostly, because he lives with them.

Everybody, except Jack, laugh hard. Jack stands there, chewing on a peanut shell.

**8:31 pm**

Morris and Milo wake up, at the same time, and see Horatio standing over them, posing.

Milo: Oh my! He looks so gorgeous behind that light.

Horatio: My light guys are always doing that.

He turns to a bunch of people holding a huge bright light.

Horatio: Take five.

Morris and Milo get up from the floor.

Morris: So, what do you want from us?

Horatio: (doesn't make eye contact) I just want to know you guys. If we're going to be working together, I would like to get to know you better.

Milo: Oh, that is so kinky.

Morris: MILO! Sorry, he's like this with every other guy.

Horatio: I understand. I was like him with another man. He was hungry (puts on sunglasses) like the wolf. (walks away)

Milo: Why did he walk away?

Morris: I don't know. But we're about to find out. (pats on his chest) Reboot!

After an awkward silence, Horatio walks about to the two guys, glasses off.

Horatio: So, what do you do for a living?

Milo: We work here.

Horatio: Oh yes. And I understand that you are working on this big case for how long?

Morris: Thirteen of the weirdest hours of our lives.

Horatio: Interesting.

Morris: You know you weren't the only one from the outside who worked with us.

Horatio: Really? Is that person still around?

Milo: Well….

_FLASHBACK_

The Rat is in front of a deep hole with Jack in front of The Rat.

Rat: After all that I've done, after all we've been through, after all the love we passed through each other! This is madness!

Jack: No. This! Is! SPARTA!

Jack kicks The Rat into the hole…

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Horatio looks at Milo, confused.

Horatio: (shrugs) Okay.

Morris: Of course you're okay. You're fine as hell.

Horatio: It's Hell, not hell.

Miko: Tatopolus.

Horatio: Whatever.

Morris: Listen, we've got to go back to work but we'll see you later.

Horatio: Later. (puts on glasses) Much later. (walks away)

**8: 37 pm**

Chloe is in Bill's office, looking at Horatio walking away from Morris and Milo.

Chloe: Why did you hire him? He doesn't do anything!

Bill: Neither do you but I still let you keep this job.

Chloe: But I do my job more than you do!

Bill: I am the most responsible person at CTU! Now, let us play Guess Who? (takes out a game board out of his desk)

Chloe: That game is clearly Scrabble.

Bill: Ah, that may explain….absolutely nothing.

Chloe: But, again, why Horatio? Jack actually DOES things and the only thing that Horatio has done is posing. I wouldn't be surprised if he did Vogue poses.

Bill: That's how he got the job!

Chloe: WHAT? HE JUST DID POSES? DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU PUT ME THROUGH TO GET THIS JOB?

_FLASHBACK_

Chloe goes to Bill's office, covered in ashes and blood.

Chloe: Well, I threw away the One Ring. It took me 127 hours to get to Mt. Doom…did I get the job?

Bill: Yeah, yeah. I guess.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Chloe: That didn't happen.

Bill: I know. But saying that you got the job through an interview is so boring.

Chloe: YOU SHOT ME OUT OF A CANNON INTO A BRICK WALL!

Bill: It was with love.

Chloe: You never loved me!

Bill: I know. I just like saying love all the time. I like to say love when I lie! Oh, I absolutely love the Batman and Robin movie!

Chloe: Let me talk to you about your job. You have the biggest job here! You don't even do jack about it.

Bill: Doesn't jack have a capital J?

Chloe: …and before you even knew it, you had it. You patented it. You packaged it. You slapped it on a plastic lunch box and now you're selling it. You're selling it. You've sold it.

Bill: Uhh, what the Hell are you talking about?

Chloe: What the Hell are YOU talking about?

Bill: (looking around, nervous) Uhhh, ummmm. (looks at reader) Crap! I don't have a clever segway! What do I do?

**At the editor's desk**

Me: (calling out to Bill) Dance, you fool!

**Back to the story**

Suddenly, Weapon of Choice starts playing and Bill gets up from his desk and starts to do the splits. While Chloe is watching this, HORRIBLY confused, Christopher Walken comes in and dances with Bill. They go on Bill's desk, kick a magazine off of it and start dancing on it. Chloe slowly backs away from this disturbing sight and gets out of Bill's office.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Your stupidity is at a spectacular level.

Me: Is it because I'm fat?

Editor: NO! It…wait, what? Jesus Christ, your story has about as much sense as The Pink Panther movies with Steve Martin!

Me: What are you talking about? There's not really much plot.

Editor: Not the plot! The fact that Steve Martin is in it!

Me: Yeah, it's an American film.

Editor: Oh yeah. But you wrote this in Cana…HA HA HA HA! AAAAHHHHAHAHAHA! I'm sorry! I can't keep a straight face whenever I'm about to say that word.

Me: Canada?

Editor: AAAHHHHAHAHAHAHA! WAHAHAHAHAHHA! (wipes tears of face) Let's continue...hee hee.

**Back to the story**

**8: 43 pm**

A car stops in front of a house. A door opens and a person is pushed out of it, falling flat on his face to the ground. The car drives away as the man gets up.

Jack: Thanks for the ride, guys!

Jack walks to the house, which looks scary, and knocks the broken door. A small slide door in the door opens…

Jack: Hi! I'm looking for The Brat…

…and a shotgun is pushed into his face.

Jack: …and a clean pair of shorts.

He sees a middle aged man through the small door holding the shotgun.

Man: What do you know about The Brat?

Jack: (takes a deep breath) He's the one who knows a key figure in a plot for world domination!

The man withdraws the shotgun, closes the slide door and opens the front door. He holds the shotgun to Jack's face again.

Man: Why are you here?

Jack: Well, I'm just a fan of The Brat! (lip starts quivering) This is my Graceland!

A woman, around the man's age, comes beside him. She tries to pull the gun away from the man, leading to a brief struggle. Jack tries to move away from the barrel of the gun.

Woman: Give me the gun! We don't need another Hunter S. Thompson incident!

The gun goes off into Jack's face, killing him instantly.

**THE END**

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: GODDAMN IT, MAN!

Me: Lawls.

**Back to the story…Jack doesn't get shot.**

The woman takes the gun away from the man.

Woman: Hi! I'm The Brat's mother and this is his father.

Jack: Groovy.

Woman: Would you like to come in? I made some cookies.

Jack: No thank you, Sir. I need to ask your…I'm sorry The Brat lives with you?

Woman: Yes.

Man: That's right!

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Jack: I need to see him right away. This is a matter of life and death.

Woman: Fine! He's upstairs in his room. Third rock from…I mean third room on the left.

Jack goes into the house, which is clean, and runs up the stairs.

Man: Tell him his ass better be doing homework!

Jack goes into The Brat's room and looks around. It's a regular bedroom…with dozens and dozens and dozens of Super Nintendo video games around the floor. He looks to see a person sitting on a beanbag chair, playing Super Mario Bros on a TV.

Jack: Are you The Brat?

The person pauses the game and turns to Jack and reveals himself to be…a boy.

Brat: Yes, I am The Brat.

Jack: But you're just a kid.

Brat: I'm 13!

Jack: PoTAto, poTAUto. ToMAto, toMAUto. Metropolis…

Miko: Tatopolous.

Jack: Is that your real name?

Brat: No, my real name is...Lucas.

Jack is shocked for a moment then he shakes his head.

Jack: Sorry, that name is epic.

Brat: That's why I have to call myself The Brat. My real name is so cosmic, that people get lost just by hearing it.

Jack: I see.

Brat: Why are you here, Mr…

Jack: Bauer. Jack Bauer.

Brat: Alright, Jack. Why are you here?

Jack: I have been informed that you know where known terrorists were.

Brat: And they don't know about me. I'm relieved and surprised.

Jack: May you please help the greatest place on Earth: America?

Brat: I'm Canadian.

Jack gets out a pistol and shoots The Brat in the head, killing him.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: GODDAMN IT! (flips over desk) I AM GOING TO KILL YOU! (gets out a pistol and aims)

Me: WAIT! I have an idea!

Editor: What it is?

Me: Ummm…uhhhh….it involves…

Editor: You.

Me: Me! Ummm….

Editor: Getting shot in the head.

Me: Getting shot in the head. My idea is me getting shot in the head! NOOOOOO!

Editor shoots the gun.

Me: Oh, wait. I'm alive!

Editor: That was a warning shot. Next one is going for your head. I'm guessing by this story it's not going to take very long.

**Back to the story…The Brat doesn't get shot**

Jack: May you please help the greatest place on Earth: America.

Brat: First, you have to challenge me to a game of Super Nintendo. (takes out a huge bag, containing video games) Take your pick, I got 96 of them.

Jack: (baffled) 96? WHAT?

Brat: Well?

Jack: (keeps composure) I'll take a random driving game.

Brat: A random driving game it is.

The Brat takes out a Super Nintendo game marked "A Random Driving Game". He sets up the game and goes under his bed and slowly pulls out a suitcase, when the 2001: A Space Odyssey theme starts up.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: What is so important that he has to put in a suitcase under his bed?

**Back to the story**

The Brat opens the suitcase and pulls out…a mechanical glove for the Super Nintendo system.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (gasps) The legends were true.

Me: What legends? I made up this whole story.

**Back to the story and the editor's desk begins to co-exist.**

The Brat puts on his power glove and uses it on the game. He starts driving with Jack watching.

Brat: I hope you don't mind. I have to practice for a bit.

Editor: I can watch him practice any day.

The Brat uses the glove to drive the video game car.

Editor: HE'S A MADMAN! A MADMAN!

The car moves to the left.

Editor: It's like watching God create the Mona Lisa…but with a glove.

The car moves to the right, Editor sucks his thumb.

The car moves to the left, Editor puts his hands on his cheeks.

The car moves again, Editor starts to bite his fingernails.

The car moves once more, Editor uses his hand as a fan.

The race is over, Editor orgasms.

Brat: I love the power glove. It's so bad.

Editor swoons.

Jack: Well, you may be cute…

Editor: Damn straight he is.

Jack: …but keep your power glove off of Chloe. She's mine.

**Back at CTU**

Chloe is working at her desk but she shudders, which Milo notices.

Milo: Are you okay.

Chloe: I don't know. I think I was just slandered.

**Back with The Brat's house**

Brat: Now, you must defeat me in this game. I shall warn you…no human being has ever defeated me.

The Brat turns to Jack…sorry…turns to where Jack WAS. The Brat turned just in time to see the bedroom door slams with Jack running out of the house. Jack is running outside, screaming.

Jack: NOOOOO!

**Alright, that didn't happen. Back in The Brat's house.**

Brat: Now, you must defeat me in this game. I shall warn you…no human being has ever defeated me.

The Brat turns to Jack, who is holding a gun to his face.

Jack: I have a game that no human being has ever SURVIVED in.

Brat: Are you sure you want to do this to a kid…named Lucas?

Jack is shocked for a moment and he puts his gun down.

Jack: Dammit, we need you.

Brat: I know. It's about Saddam, isn't it?

Jack: Yes, how did you know?

Brat: That's who every terrorist organization is looking for.

Jack: There are other terrorist organizations other than CTU?

Brat: It's hard to pinpoint where Saddam is for certain. Even if we're 0.0000000000001% right, he will move to another location.

Jack: Strange. It's as if even if they're a tiny bit right, Saddam loves somewhere else. It's odd but I can't put my finger on why it's odd. (laughing) It's as if you're giving information to Saddam, right!

Brat: Of course n…

Jack: OH MY GOD, YOU ARE!

Brat: You didn't even let me finish. Of course not!

Jack: Oh okay. So do you know where Saddam is now?

Brat: There is no obvious place but it is the last place you'll ever look.

Jack: Young man, do you always speak in riddles?

Brat: I'm saying that he'll be in the last place you'll ever look.

Jack: That wasn't a very funny joke.

Brat: Get the f*** out of my house.

Jack: Okay, ma'am.

Brat: I'm a boy!

Miko: Tatopolous.

Jack: Whatever. (walks out of the room)

Brat: Dork lips.

Jack grabs his chest, in pain…obviously.

Jack: I feel that I've just been insulted.

**8: 56 pm**

There are split screens. Jack is riding his helicopter back to CTU. Horatio is standing, posing with his hands on his hips, glasses on, looking on the ground. Chloe is watching The Office on the computer, wanting Pam's job, instead of her "unexciting" CTU job. Morris and Milo are in the battle of their lives.

Morris: Does your person have a beard?

Milo: Yes.

Both of them are playing Guess Who.

Morris: Is your person the subject of several disturbing documentaries?

Milo: Yes.

Morris: Is your person Charles Manson?

Milo: Yes.

Morris: I WIN!

Milo: My turn.

Bill comes along to the two men.

Bill: What are you guys playing?

Milo: Guess Who.

Bill: Nice…where the game boards?

Morris: We're using them.

Bill: Those are CLEARLY Battleship boards.

Milo: Your point being?

Bill: You guys are idiots. In other to play Guess Who, you need to have Guess Who game boards!

Milo and Morris look at each other, confused.

Bill: Screw it. Have you guys seen any Corn Pops?

Milo: Sorry, Bill. We just finished the last box.

The Corn Pops music starts.

Bill: (thinking) Oh no! There's no Corn Pops! (out loud) Don't worry, I'll have the Frosted Flakes!

Bill walks away, panicking. The Corn Pops music grows.

Bill: (thinking) Pops! I gotta have my POPS! THEY TOOK THE LAST BOX! HOW AM I GOING TO SURVIVE THIS BREAKFAST MORNING! I HAVE TO GET TO WORK AND I NEED MY POPS! UGGGGHH!

Bill sees Chloe walk up to him and hands him a box of Corn Pops, stopping the music in the process.

Chloe: Here you go! I heard you thinking.

As Chloe walks away, Bill smiles.

Bill: Yes.

Narrator: Corn Pops. Part of a complete breakfast.

Bill is eating a bowl of Corn Pops.

Bill: (thinking) Gotta have my Pops.

Chloe goes to Morris and Milo before Horatio steps in front of her.

Chloe: Excuse…

Horatio: Not so fast.

Chloe: I'll talk to you if you just look at me in the eyes!

Horatio: Just keep walking.

Chloe walks to Morris and Milo, who are looking at Horatio, sighing.

Chloe: What do you see in him?

Milo: It's not what we see in him.

Morris: We want to see much MORE of him.

Chloe: You guys are like animals.

Milo and Morris: Animals in love.

Chloe: Ewww.

Morris: Anyways, did Jack call yet?

Chloe: No. He was supposed to report back after I told him about The Brat.

Milo: Isn't that the guy who somehow knows where terrorists are?

Chloe: Yes.

Morris: Don't you think it's odd that someone SOMEHOW knows where the terrorists are?

Chloe: I didn't really think…

Milo: Is there a guarantee about using this person to find the terrorists?

Chloe: No…

Morris: And did you know that the word RAT is in Brat?

Chloe: Ummm….

Chloe's cell phone rings. She answers.

Chloe: Hello?

Jack: Chloe, I just saw The Brat.

Chloe: Anything he said that could be any use to us?

Jack: The Brat is twelve years old.

Chloe: So what? He can be a prodigy.

Jack: He says that I can look for Saddam in the last place that I'll look.

Chloe: Well that advice is completely useless.

Jack: Yes, I guess. I'll be back at CTU soon.

Chloe: Alright but you got to know that things have changed around here.

Jack: (hangs up) Oh God. Oh Man. Oh God Oh Man. (starts spinning the helicopter) Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man.

Chloe: He took it well.

**8:59:57**

**8:59:58**

**8:59:59**

**9:00:00**

Next time on 24.

Jack, Morris, Milo, Bill and Chloe are in a forest, around a fire.

Jack: The end.

Milo: That was a beautiful story.

Morris: Wait a minute. That's it?

Chloe: Yeah, you can't have the main character spin around in a helicopter.

Jack: I only have 11 more parts to tell.

Bill: I thought it was the saddest story ever. I cried at the part where one guy almost didn't get his Corn Pops.

Chloe: So, will he ever find his daughter?

Jack: I don't know. I haven't really planned that far ahead.

Morris: Seriously?

Jack: Yeah. I'm writing this as I go along.

Milo: That seems kind of stupid.

Jack: (gets up) Well, it's almost my bedtime. I have school tomorrow.

Chloe: (gets up) Yeah. All of us do.

Bill: I got kicked out of mine for showing everyone Home Alone 4. That's a level seven threat level in our school.

Jack picks up a bucket of water.

Jack: I declare tonight's Midnight Society to an end.

As everyone leaves, Jack puts out the fire and puts the bucket down on the ground.

That's next on 24.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Hey, didn't you rip off that last part from another show?

Me: One more word and I cut you.


	14. Chapter 14

DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN ANY 24 CHARACTERS! PLEASE ENJOY OR READ SOMETHING ELSE…preferring Marcen12.

Me: I did naht own any 24 characters! It's naht true. It's bewlshit. I do naht own them. I do naht. Oh hi reader.

**Tonight on 24.**

Jack, Chloe, Bill, Milo and Morris are in a forest, sitting around a fireplace.

Jack: Who is ready for me to tell another part of my story?

Milo: I couldn't stop thinking about your story all week!

Morris: Same here! It got me to the edge of my seat…and then I fell off of it.

Chloe: I don't know, Jack. There are a few plot holes which are going to get bigger. SOMEONE will remember the whole story SOMEHOW and complain about them.

Jack: Chloe, you're such a buzz kill.

Bill: People! Shut the Hell up!

Jack: She started it!

Chloe: Did not!

Jack: Did too!

Chloe: Did not!

Jack: Did too!

Chloe: Did not!

Jack: Did too!

Morris: We only have a few hours left until our parents realize that we snuck out of our house to tell stories in a scary part of this town.

Milo: She's right, guys.

Morris: I'm a guy.

Bill: Settle down, Miss. Before we continue on with Jack's story, we need a warm up story. Does anyone know any ghost stories?

Morris: Oooh! Oooh! I know one!

Chloe: Oh, good Lord. Morris is going to tell a story.

Morris: But it's going to be so scary, it'll make Paranormal Activity look like The Ring Two.

Milo: This I have to hear.

Morris: One morning, a young girl woke up and made herself breakfast. She made herself breakfast. There was hot chocolate, Eggos and Pop Tarts. When she toasted the bread, she realized that there was no peanut butter, or butter, or jelly.

Chloe: Morris, you idiot! Bill said GHOST stories, not TOAST stories!

Morris: Oh. Sorry. I'm just here for your entertainment.

Bill: Anyways, let us get on with Jack's story. (looks at Jack) Jack?

Jack is shaking in fear.

Bill: Jack? Are you alright?

Jack: No, there was nothing to put on the bread. How the hell do I top that?

Chloe: Believe me, you're story is stupid but my God! His story made your story sound like Black Swan!

Morris: And what does that make MY story?

Chloe: Inspector Gadget the Motion Picture.

Morris: NNOOOOO!

Bill: Jack, the story.

Jack: Oh, right! (picks up a bag beside him) You all know what happened. Jack's daughter is kidnapped by a madman and everyone is trying to help him find her. What he doesn't know is that he has been replaced by another man.

Jack goes in front of the fireplace and puts his hand into the bag and pulls out some sand.

Jack: For the approval of the Midnight Society. I call this story (throws sand into fire) 24 – Chapter 14.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: That has got to be the most uninventive name for…ANYTHING, really. That is even more uninventive than Bubble Thing!

Me: F***ING BUBBLES!

**Back to the story**

_**The following takes place between 9:00 pm to 10:00 pm.**_

**9:00 pm**

Morris goes into the washroom and throws up in a toilet. He had just been beaten in a game of Clue, even though it CLEARLY said Monopoly. He takes out a needle and an unknown substance, obviously heroin, and is about to inject himself with it when someone comes in the washroom. Morris freezes, with his needle in place, to see who it is.

Morris: Chloe? What the hell are you doing here?

Chloe: This is the women's washroom.

Morris: I thought we were all guys!

Chloe: No, Morris. When they say you guys, they mean EVERYONE! I'm still a woman.

Morris: But aren't I?

Chloe: For the last time, NO!

Morris: My life sucks.

Chloe: Is that a needle in your arm?

Morris: Relax, it's only heroin.

Chloe: Oh okay. (about to walk out of the washroom but stops) Wait a second…

Morris: Look, I'm really stressed out over this whole investigation that doesn't seem to make any sense.

Chloe: I know but drugs aren't the answer. What happened to your Ritalin?

Morris: I sold it to some guy.

_MEANWHILE_

Gary Busey is sitting in his chair at home, watching TV, calm.

Gary: Whoa.

_BACK AT CTU_

Chloe: Drugs are not the answer. Follow me.

_AT THE CTU KITCHEN…didn't know there was one._

Chloe places at an egg on a table.

Chloe: This is your brain.

Morris nods his head.

Morris: Is my brain that small?

Chloe takes out a frying pan out of nowhere and smashes the egg, showing the remains of the egg to Morris.

Chloe: This is your brain on drugs.

Morris nods his head again.

Morris: Is my brain really that scrambled?

Chloe knocks over some plates with the frying pan.

Chloe: And this is your family! (knocks over some glass cups) AND YOUR FRIENDS! (breaks a window with frying pan) AND YOUR LIFE! Come outside!

_OUTSIDE_

Morris watches as Chloe goes mad with a frying pan.

Chloe: AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR MARRIAGE ON DRUGS! (hits a random person passing by) AND THIS IS YOUR INSURANCE ON DRUGS! (goes to a car and smashes its windows) AND THIS IS YOUR HOUSE WITH DRUGS! (smashes the car's hood) AND THIS IS YOUR FACE ON DRUGS! (smashes the car's windshield)

_MEANWHILE_

Bill walks up to Milo's desk.

Milo: Hi, Bill. What's up?

Bill: We are getting calls from throughout the city that some mad woman with a frying pan is terrorizing people.

Milo: Mariah Carey?

Bill: Someone less crazy.

Milo: Jack Nicholson.

Bill: That's a man.

Milo: Gary Busey.

Bill: Your husband.

Milo: CHLOE? Out of all people. What is going to happen now?

Bill: There's only one thing that we can do.

_BACK WITH CHLOE_

Chloe is smashing store windows with a frying pan, with Morris scratching his head in confusion.

Chloe: AND THIS IS YOUR BRAIN WHEN YOU ARE WATCHING SPEED 2! THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS WHEN YOU REALIZE THAT YOU MARRIED YOUR BROTHER INSTEAD OF YOUR SISTER!

_MEANWHILE_

A fighter plane spots Chloe terrorizing the city and the pilot talks to Bill.

Pilot: Are you sure you want me to do this?

Bill: Yes, carpet bomb the Hell out of her.

Pilot: You got it, dude.

The pilot unleashes several bombs out of its cargo, destroying most of the city…not one getting Chloe. Morris, meanwhile, is running back to CTU. Chloe, unaware that Morris has left, points to the plane.

Chloe: AND THAT'S YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS AND YOU THINK YOU CAN FLY!

One of the bombs drops on her, presumably killing her.

Pilot: We got her. She's dead.

Suddenly, Chloe rises from the ground, with metal parts sticking out of her.

Pilot: OH MY GOD! SHE'S PART ROBOT!

Chloe: Go Go Gadget Helicopter!

A propeller comes out of her head and she flies toward the helicopter that tried to kill her.

Pilot: SHE'S GOING TO KILL ME! OH MY GOOOOOOD!

_DECADES LATER_

A guy is talking to his two kids, who are sitting on a couch.

Guy: And that's how I met your mother.

_JUST KIDDING!_

Bill screams as a hand touches him lightly, waking him up. He looks to see who it is: Chloe.

Chloe: What's the matter? Come on, I'll take you home.

Bill gets up from his desk, with Chloe putting her jacket on him. As they leave, Chloe looks at the reader, revealing yellow eyes with evil laughter heard in the background.

Chloe wakes up at her desk, scared. She sees Morris standing in front of her.

Morris: So, how was your sleep?

Chloe: I had the weirdest dream.

Morris: Tell me later. I have to go to the bathroom to "do stuff".

Chloe: Why are there quotations around "do stuff"?

Morris: I…wait, what?

Chloe is about to explain when Milo comes in.

Milo: Guys, Horatio is interrogating people in the interrogation room.

Chloe: Why? We all know who's responsible for Kim's kidnapping.

Milo: I don't think anyone told him. Either that or he probably forgot.

Morris: Who the Hell is he grilling at such short notice.

**9: 11 pm**

Horatio is in the interrogation room, "grilling" six people…well, cartoon characters who happen to be kids and they are sitting at a table.

Horatio: I know that you guys have something to do with Saddam.

Spinelly: We didn't do nothing! You can't make us talk!

Vince: Yeah, we're only kids. Why did you kidnap us and bring us here? We have nothing to do with terrorism.

Mikey: Oh why does the man bring us down and drain our last drop of innocence?

TJ: Sir, I would know what we did to get here but we're totally innocent!

Horatio: Really? Explain that day when you destroyed that statue of your mayor at your school.

Spinelly: Seriously? Is anyone going to forget that? We were pardoned!

Horatio: Indeed, you were. However, you're at CTU and my eyes tell me that you kids are destructive.

Gus: Umm, Mr. Caine?

Horatio: Please, Mr. Caine was my father. Call me Mr. Caine.

Gus: Okay…you're not really looking at us, so how do you know if we're innocent or not?

Gretchen: Yes, every since you've been talking to us, you haven't made eye contact with anyone here. Instead, you look at the ground, proving that you have a problem with shyness.

Horatio: I don't have a problem, it's just…not my style.

TJ: Look, Mr. Caine…

Horatio: It's Mr. Caine.

TJ: We're just a bunch of kids who go to school and hang out! We don't get involved with the government! We just do ordinary stuff together and get into the occasional problems but we've never been arrested before.

Horatio: Except for that statue.

Spinelly: THAT'S IT! If you talk about that statue again, I made you a knuckle sandwich with ketchup that is actually your BLOOD!

Gretchen: Spinelly, don't! If you threaten an authority figure, you'll be proven to be more of a threat that at the beginning!

Horatio: Listen to your friend, Missy.

Spinelly: Why you little-

Mikey: Oh why do the Heavens roar is disapproval as the innocence has been lost upon thee! Oh why, oh why, or why?

Gus: There's no place like home. There's no place like-

Horatio: Quiet.

Vince: We won't because this is…

Horatio: Sparta?

Vince: …an outrage!

Horatio: I have the authority to keep you kids in here all night.

Gus: But we have school tomorrow!

Horatio: For a bunch of delinquents, you sure do care about this "school" thing a lot.

TJ: Why are there quotations around the word school?

Gretchen: Perhaps Mr. Caine here has never heard of school. Maybe he's gotten so used to being a cop that he forgot his past and remains a mystery to the public eye.

Vince: Or he forgot about how it was to be a kid.

Horatio: I can clearly remember how it was like being a kid.

TJ: Then you heard of something called recess.

Horatio: It's a codename for drug trafficking.

Gretchen: As we have been pointing out for the past few minutes, we are kids!

Horatio: For all I know, you could be old midgets and the "school" that you go to is just a cover for drugs.

Vince: Wow, do you suspect EVERYONE on suspicion on drugs?

Horatio: Only druggies.

The Kids: WE'RE ONLY KIDS!

Suddenly, the door opens and in comes a middle aged man in a brown suit.

Principal Prickly: What the heck are these kids doing here?

Horatio: These people are being arrested for suspicion of helping Saddam.

Prickly: They're only kids! I don't think they know who Saddam is! Even if they did, these kids are smart enough to know that he is a very dangerous man!

Horatio: But I need to grill them some more.

Prickly: First of all, there are supposed to be quotations around the word grill. Second of all, kids, let's go, I'm taking you home!

The kids leave with their Principal but Spinelly leaves last but not before talking to Horatio.

Spinelly: None of us do drugs but I know someone who you could talk to.

Horatio: Who?

Prickly: Spinelly, get out here!

Spinelly: You know who. He's bald, he's whiny and a major pain in the ass.

She leaves as Horatio figures out whom she's talking about.

Horatio: My God.

Horatio runs out of the room, out of CTU, into his car and drives away.

**9: 17 pm**

As Horatio leaves, a helicopter lands where Horatio's car was. Out comes Jack. He goes into CTU and sees the people he had left behind. Bill comes to greet him.

Bill: Jack, what the Hell are you doing here?

Jack: I work here, remember?

Bill: Not anymore you don't. You're not on the case anymore.

Jack: I'm sorry?

Bill: You've been replaced. Didn't Chloe tell you over the phone? She had so many opportunities to do that.

Jack: But why fire me…again?

Bill: It's because you're too much of a liability. You don't know what to do half the time, you're not exactly a great leader and you're the cause of destruction constantly.

Jack: That's a lie!

Bill: You've caused over $10 worth of damages! Do you know what we could have used that money for?

Jack: A plasma TV?

Bill: A plasma TV, that's right! $10 is nearly our whole budget for this story.

Jack: But this story is being made for free.

Bill: SHUT UP! You're no longer on this case!

Jack: Who's replacing me?

Bill: Horatio Caine.

Jack: NO! NO! NO! He's nothing compared to me! I don't follow the rules because I am the rules! I NEVER BROKE THE LAW! I AM THE LAW!

Bill: I'm sorry. Since this is our only big case, only case in general, go home.

Jack: I refuse. I need to be here for another ten hours. Otherwise, this movie will end prematurely.

Bill: This is a story, Jack, not a movie!

Jack: DAMMIT, I'M A CTU AGENT NOT A MATH TEACHER!

Bill: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?

Jack: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I WILL GET MY DAUGHTER BACK! WITH OR WITHOUT YOU! I WILL KILL YOU! I WILL END YOU!

Morris, Milo and Chloe watch the confrontation between Jack and Bill.

Bill: Jack, I understand you need to get your seldom seen daughter back in a desperate attempt for the writer of this story to be edgy. But here at CTU, we're trusted in stopping terrorism.

Jack: STOP TALKING LIKE A DAMN ROBOT! I WILL END YOU! I WILL SEPARATE YOU SKULL FROM YOUR HEAD! I AM…THE LAW!

Bill: Jack, you're stressed….

Jack: You're a big fat doodle head.

Milo, Morris and Chloe: OOOOOHHHHHHH!

Bill is pissed off.

Bill: Jack. I'd like to have a word with you…in my study.

Jack: Gulp.

_IN BILL'S STUDY_

Bill is sitting in a chair, in front of a fireplace, a belt in hand. Jack, who was lying on Bill's lap, gets up and pulls up his pants. Bill puts his belt down.

Bill: I hope you learned your lesson, Jack.

Jack: I sure did. I'll never do that with those in there ever again.

Bill: What?

Jack: Oh. I mean, I'll never call you a big fat doodle head again.

Bill: I know it's been a tough, not quite 14 hours so far, but it's okay.

Jack: I need my daughter.

Bill: I'm sorry. You can't be here. If your daughter is involved, you're emotions will tie you too much into this investigation.

Jack: I get it now.

Bill: That's good. Now let's get some ice cream.

Bill stands up from his chair…and his pants fall down.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Hey, what was the point of that scene?

Me: (gets a knife and cuts Editor in the knee) I warned you about asking me that question.

**Back to the story**

**9: 22 pm**

Milo and Morris are talking to each other when Chloe comes along.

Chloe: Hey, have you seen Horatio?

Morris: Isn't he in the interrogation room?

Chloe: I checked. He's not there.

Milo: We should've noticed if he was gone or not.

Chloe: For two guys who are obsessing over this one guy, you sure do get the slip given to quite easily.

Morris: I know.

Chloe: So, what are you guys doing?

Milo: We're playing 21 Questions.

Chloe: Why are you guys playing that game with a Guess Who board?

Morris and Milo look at each other, confused.

Chloe: Why do I have to ask?

Morris: Does your person have no facial hair?

Milo: No.

Morris: Does your person do drugs?

Milo: Yes.

Samuel L. Jackson: Does he look like a bitch?

Milo: What?

Samuel shoots him in the leg, making Milo shout in pain.

Samuel: Does he look like a bitch?

Milo: NO!

Morris: Is your person Sarah Jessica Parker?

Milo: Yes!

Morris: I WIN!

Chloe: What does the winner get?

Milo: $20 from Chloe's secret stash.

Chloe: Wait, what?

Morris: Yep! Nothing is more satisfying than playing a game for money.

Milo: By the way, Chloe, don't hide your money in between your mattress.

Chloe: I thought since you guys were complete idiots; I assumed that you wouldn't check the most obvious place.

Morris: We may be idiots but we're also dumb.

Chloe: (looks around) Where's that gun?

Milo: Look under your chair!

Chloe goes to her desk, goes under her chair and takes out her pistol.

Chloe: How the…never mind!

Morris: Congratulations, Chloe! You just got a gun!

Milo and Morris clap wildly for Chloe…and so does everyone else in the studio audience. A familiar black woman comes along.

Oprah: We'll be right back when Jermaine Jackson comes along to talk about his new album!

The audience stops cheering and leaves.

Morris: Let's go, people. Go to Ellen's studio!

Suddenly, the front door to CTU is burst open and in comes Horatio, with a small person with a bag on his head. Chloe goes in front of him.

Chloe: Horatio! What the hell is going on?

Horatio: I found another person to interrogate! It just so HAPPENED that he lived nearby.

Chloe: But who is that who got there?

Horatio: We'll talk later. Right now, I have to put this dangerous man in the room.

Horatio pushes Chloe aside and walks away. Milo and Morris appear along Chloe.

Morris: Boy, I wish I was that small man.

Milo: He can interrogate me anytime.

Chloe: Is there anything you guys would like to tell me? Are you guys in love with him?

Morris and Milo: Yes.

Chloe: Yeesh. I think I know why.

Morris: Is it because of the way he looks at us?

Chloe: He doesn't make eye contact with anyone.

Morris: Is it because of his sunglasses?

Chloe: It's to avoid eye contact.

Milo: Is it because of his one liners?

Chloe: His horrid one liners, more like it.

Morris: Give him a chance! He'll grow on you!

Chloe: Like fungus.

Milo: What do you think he's doing to that man in there?

Morris: Something sexy I hope.

**9:28 pm**

Jack and Bill are in Bill's office.

Bill: Jack, you've been a valuable part of this bureau for centuries.

Jack: What?

Bill: Years! I meant years! You've helped us stop evil people like Dennis the Menace and Simple Plan.

Jack: They're Canadian. It was pretty clear that they were evil.

Bill: Not that we don't appreciate what you do here…we don't.

Jack: Wait…

Bill: But we need someone who, you know, followed the rules.

Jack: Oh, you mean a pussy?

Bill: Also, we need someone hip and into what the kids are listening to these days, someone who they can relate to.

Jack: I can be hip! Yo gabba gabba! Hey, ya'll! Snuggery snuggery! Yo, Bill, rap with me, brotha!

Bill: Jack, please stop.

Jack: Don't be hatin'. (pulls out a boom box) Watch me be hip with the young people!

Jack presses a button and the song "Weapon of Choice" starts to play. Jack jumps on Bill's desk and starts dancing. Bill presses a button to stop the music.

Jack: Why would you do that? I was just getting jiggy with it!

The Men In Black come in Bill's office.

Agent J: We are going to do two different things in this room.

Agent K: You ready, slick?

Agent J nods as he goes up to Jack and starts beating the crap out of him while K pulls out the Neutralizer and flashes it at Bill.

Agent K: You did not see anything that was extremely embarrassing, so much so that it would scar your brain for life. (turns to his partner) Let's go, soldier.

Agent J kicks Jack one more time in the stomach before leaving the room.

Agent J: If you ever say that again, Mr. Bauer, I will make you watch Bagger Vance.

Jack: Noted.

Bill: Now, where was I? Oh yes, you're fired.

A man appears out of nowhere, with his hand reached out.

Bill: Mr. Trump, please get out of my office.

Donald Trump: You've made a powerful enemy today, dumbass.

Mr. Trump leaves as Bill laughs at him.

Bill: HA! It's the middle of the night! Who's the dumbass, now?

Jack realizes that he is fired and goes down on his knees.

Jack: Don't fire me, please! I almost got Saddam for you!

Bill: The key word being **ALMOST**, you moron! Now my reservation for two at Burger King with Saddam is going to go to waste!

Jack: PLEASE! Give me another chance!

Bill: Sorry, you'll have to go.

Jack: NO! PLEASE! NOOOOOO! Urp….

Jack grabs his chest and falls face first in the ground, dead. Bill pulls out a black notebook.

Bill: Kira, you're done forever.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor pulls out a gun.

Me: Alright.

**Back to the story…a few seconds earlier.**

Jack: PLEASE! Give me another chance!

Bill: Sorry, you'll have to go.

Jack gets up and starts to walk out of the room.

Bill: It's been nice knowing you.

Jack: Yes, it…urk!

Jack grabs his chest and fall down, dead. Bill is holding a black notebook.

Bill: I always loved you, Kira.

**At the editor's desk…wait…what? Oh sorry, at a graveyard.**

Editor is using his shovel, burying a dead body, covering up the hole he shoveled with dirt.

Editor: There! Now, I don't have to read anymore of that stupid stupid story.

Suddenly, a hand comes out of the grave and grabs Editor on the foot.

Editor: OH MY GOD! A HAND! A HUMAN HAND! APOCALPYSE!

Editor shakes off the hand and runs to his car, putting the shovel in the back seat and he tries to starts the car, obviously not starting.

Editor: Come on! Come on! COME ON!

He looks at his window and sees a figure right beside him.

Editor: AAAHHHH! ZOMBIE!

He sees that it is, in fact, a zombie….a zombie of….

Me: Hey! You didn't read the rest of my story! I got it right here! (pulls out script)

Editor: NOOOOO!

Editor gets out a shotgun from under the driver's seat and shoots…

**At the REAL editor's desk**

Editor: …And that is what is going to happen if you use that stupid joke again.

Me: Alright, I'll stop doing those. Jesus Christ.

**Back to the story**

Bill: It's been nice knowing you.

Jack: Yeah right.

Jack walks out of Bill's office as Bill reflects on what just happened.

Bill: There goes the only man I'll ever love.

Jack: (sings) I walk a lonely road, the only road that I have ever known….

**9: 35 pm**

Horatio is in the interrogation room, posing with his usual stance. The bald man is scratching his head…sorry? It's not a man? What is it?

Caillou: Excuse me, Mr. You've been standing there for at least 12 minutes.

Horatio: Shut the hell up, kid.

Caillou: What do you want from me?

Horatio: I thought you never ask. I think that you're working with Saddam.

Caillou: Who?

Horatio: I don't like it when people play dumb with me. It makes me look like an idiot.

Caillou: But I'm only five!

Horatio goes up to the bald kid and slaps him hard.

Horatio: I want answers. Don't make me raise my voice 0.0000000000000000000001% higher.

Caillou: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!

Horatio: Oh well. I have ways to make you talk.

Horatio opens the door and he pushes three people in the room, with bags over their heads. Horatio takes the bags off and Caillou screams.

Caillou: MOMMY! DADDY! ROSIE!

Horatio: If you don't start talking, I'm going to use them to make you talk.

Caillou: BUT I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!

Daddy: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Caillou: LEAVE THEM ALONE! THEY DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!

Horatio: Suit yourself.

Horatio brings goes out of the room and returns with a bag, with noises coming out of it…but the bald kid knows that noises they are.

Caillou: GILBERT!

Mommy: YOU SICK SICK SICK MAN!

Horatio pulls out a gun and aims at the bag.

Horatio: Tell me right now or I shoot the cat.

Rosie: NOOOOOO!

Caillou: Yes. What she said.

Horatio shoots the bag and the noises stop.

Caillou: NOOOOOOO!

Darth Vader: NOOOOOO!

Horatio goes to his father and hold a knife to his throat.

Caillou: Gilbert was the only family I've ever had.

Mommy: YOU BASTARD!

Daddy: What the Hell does that make us?

Rosie: You bitch.

Horatio: Tell me what I need to know.

Caillou: Okay. I'll tell you what you need to know.

Daddy: NO!

Caillou: I'm not who you think I am. I'm not Caillou. (his voice changes) I'm Charlie Brown.

Horatio: I KNEW IT!

Charlie Brown: I didn't want anyone in the world to know that I've already hit puberty. Otherwise, no one would watch my show anymore.

Horatio: If you're Charlie Brown, doesn't that mean that you're already in a show?

Charlie: Good grief, man! I wanted money! More and more money! There's something about money that just makes me want more.

Suddenly, Charlie stops and looks at the ceiling….and starts singing.

Charlie: I want adventure around and somewhere…

Before he sang anymore, Horatio pulled out his gun and smacked the bald pubescent in the face, knocking him out.

Mommy: Don't you need him to tell you who you're looking for is somewhere?

Horatio: Awww crap.

Horatio walks out of the room and closes the door.

Daddy: Are we free to go?

Suddenly, gas comes from the ceiling, slowly putting Mommy, Daddy and Rosie in a deep sleep.

Rosie: AAHHHH! Joe The Plumber!

**9:39 pm**

Chloe walks into Bill's office, who is on the phone and hangs up.

Bill: Chloe. Is there a difference between calling someone a dick, private eye or dick, you know what?

Chloe: Yes, there is a difference.

Bill: Then I'm Obama's number one enemy!

Chloe: Hey, have you seen Jack?

Bill: Not since I told him the 911.

Chloe: Don't you mean 411?

Bill: Whatever. I told him about what happened.

Chloe: About the fact that he got taken off the case?

Bill: Nope. The fact that I fired him.

Chloe: YOU DID WHAT?

Bill: I had to. He's too much of a liability!

Chloe: Also, he's the only one who knows what he's doing! God knows where the hell he is right now.

Bill: He'll be fine. He has a wife and daughter to go to!

Chloe: His wife is dead and his daughter was kidnapped by Saddam, you f***ing moron!

Bill: He'll get over it.

Chloe: Don't you get it? He asked for our help and you threw him away like that Conan O'Brian!

Bill: Are you telling me that I'm NBC!

Chloe: Correct.

Bill: Chloe, I didn't want to do this but you've left me with no choice.

Bill takes out a black notebook.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor pulls out a gun and puts it on his desk as he continues reading.

**Back to the story**

Bill starts writing in the book and, occasionally, looking at Chloe.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor starts putting bullets in the gun as he continues reading.

**Back to the story**

Chloe starts to hold her chest.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor aims the gun as he continues reading.

Me: (looking at the barrel of the gun) Great story, huh?

**Back to the story**

Bill: THERE! Now you're in my Burn Book! I'm the only one that can read it! And there's nothing you can do about it.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor puts away the gun as he…well you get the idea.

**Back to the story**

Chloe: You have to hire back, Jack! Unlike you, he actually knows what he's doing.

Bill: I doubt it. I can do a better job out in the field than he can.

Chloe: Yeah, okay. You've proven that when you blew up that bus full of nuns.

Bill: Hey, that was self defense.

Chloe: Get Jack back!

Bill: This discussion is over! (covers his eyes) I CAN'T SEE YOU! I CAN'T SEE YOU! LA LA LA LA LA!

Chloe: Sigh. (walks out of Bill's office)

Bill uncovers his eyes.

Bill: Thank God that she was just a figment of my imagination.

**9: 43 pm**

Morris and Milo are talking to each other when Horatio comes to the two men.

Horatio: Gentlemen.

Morris and Milo are gushing.

Both: Hi!

Horatio: I bring in person after person but no one would tell me where Saddam is.

Milo: Oh, many have tried but everyone is trying their best to get to him.

Horatio: Have there been others?

Morris: What do you mean?

Horatio: You know. People who worked here before me?

Morris: Well, there was Audrey.

Horatio: What happened to this person?

Morris: Well…

"_FLASHBACK"_

Small people walk to a green puddle and eat it. Meanwhile, a boy looks at the sight.

Boy: They're eating her! And then they're going to eat me! OH MY GOOOOOODDDD!

Cue the breakdown on Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal".

_END OF "FLASHBACK" _

Horatio: Was there anyone else?

Milo: There was one more. His name was The Rat.

Horatio: And?

Milo: Well…

"_FLASHBACK"_

The Rat is nailed to a cross and, as he is dying, he looks at a person.

Rat: Who did this to me? WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING?

Judas: (shrugs) I don't know. Now, if you'll excuse me, I got a savior to meet.

_END OF "FLASHBACK"_

Horatio: Interesting. So, everyone who USED to work here is dead or punished.

Morris: Correct.

Horatio: That might mean my time is up. I have to get that kid to talk.

Milo: What kid?

Horatio: The kid I took in to the interrogation room. Caillou.

Morris: Did he tell you that he was Charlie Brown?

Horatio: Yes, how did you know?

Milo: He admitted it to the whole world two days ago.

Horatio: What? But his "family"…

Morris: Went along with it also. I'm surprised no one saw it coming. Milo and I did.

Horatio: Well, since he won't talk, I'll have to do something drastic. I have to go to the future!

Milo: How are you going to do that?

Suddenly, a white haired man comes up to Horatio.

Doc Brown: Great Scott! You want to go to the future to threaten to kill the future Charlie Brown?

Horatio: Indeed.

Doc: In that case, couldn't you just threaten to kill his teddy bear.

Horatio slaps Doc.

Horatio: Don't ever question my authority. Now, let's go!

Doc: The Flux Capacitor isn't going to like this.

Horatio and Doc go out of CTU and into the DeLorean. Doc drives onto the street.

Horatio: Mr. Brown. There are a ton of cars. We don't have a lot of roads.

Doc: Roads? Where we're going we don't need (puts on glasses) roads.

Horatio: You stole my bit, you f***ing asshole.

The car starts to float and as it flies in a higher speed, sparks start to fly out of it. A few seconds later, a middle aged man comes out of CTU.

Biff: Hey, Horatio! I got your new sunglasses! They just came in the mail.

Biff sees the flying car just in time to see it disappear.

Biff: What the Hell is going on?

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: That's a legit question.

Me: There's no legit answer.

Editor: Well, THAT was a legit answer. You could've said "To be a question or not to be a question". AW DAMMIT, I'M SOUNDING LIKE YOU!

Editor gets out a pistol and shoots himself in the head.

**At the REAL editor's desk**

Editor: I wish I never knew you. I wish you were dead.

Me: Here's looking at you, kid!

**Back to the story**

**9: 49 pm**

Chloe runs up to Milo and Morris.

Chloe: Guys, did you know Jack got fired.

Milo: Yeah, and Horatio just traveled back in time in a DeLorean and a crackpot professor.

Chloe: Ha ha, very funny. But this serious! I can't even find Jack anywhere?

Morris: Did you check his crawlspace?

Chloe: I'm not going in there.

Milo: There's nowhere else to look. (goes to his desk and goes on his computer)

Chloe: I don't know what to do! He's in big trouble. The time he needs us the most and we abandon him.

Morris: WE? Oh no. There's no "we"! Bill fired him. Me, you and Milo always have his back.

Chloe: I guess…

Milo: Uhhhh, guys? You have to check this out.

Chloe and Morris go to Milo's desk and Milo points to his computer, which is showing the news.

News: BREAKING NEWS! Jack Bauer has just been fired from CTU! This leads to speculations about his personal life and his hard partying. But it is rumored to be because of Anti- Semitic aimed towards his boss, Bill, though Bill isn't Jewish. Here is Jack Bauer in an interview earlier today.

Jack: I'm doing alright, you know! I didn't want to be part of that group of people, anyway!

Reporter: Jack Bauer may be suing CTU for $1.1 million for breach in contract.

Jack: It's so amazing because I'm, duh, winning! I'm so full of tiger blood! It's exciting because I'm getting thrown all these curveballs in my life. I have a winning recipe because I'm winning, DUH! As for what I think of life, bring it.

Reporter: It has been reported that Jack Bauer has been described as immature and f***ed up. In his webcam series, Jack is rambling on and on about his past life, looking thin and, possibly, on drugs.

Jack: I hate everyone at CTU. Morris is a troll for not sticking up for me. All of us should do something, you know! Like marry a tree! Bill is an ASSHOLE! YOU HEAR ME, BILL? YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE, YOU STUPID F-

Reporter: Jack Bauer has clearly gone off the deep end. More of this news, later on.

Milo turns off the monitor and looks at Chloe and Morris.

Chloe: Wow. Jack only been fired for nearly half an hour and, yet, he's going nuts.

Morris: And all those things he said. He called me a troll.

Milo: As long as Bill doesn't see any of this, we'll all be fine.

Suddenly, the door to Bill's office is forced open, breaking it off of its hinges. Bill is pissed off as the others see him.

Milo: So, did you see the news?

Bill turns angry.

Bill: BILL SMASH! AAAHHHHHH!

Bill rips open his shirt and turns green…and bigger….

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (pressed a button) Security, please stand by.

Me: What for?

Editor: Because you have no brain cells left. You're absolutely retarded.

Me: Why did you hire me?

Editor: I thought your next story would be an amazing follow up to the critically acclaimed "Freaky Friday" story.

Me: I sold out!

Editor: Indeed, you did. You're like the Black Eyed Peas…

Me: ALRIGHT!

Editor: …today.

Me: Ouch.

**Back to the story**

**9: 55 pm**

There are split screens. Horatio is still flying in the car with Doc Brown. Bill is trashing his office after hearing about Jack. Saddam…is nowhere to be seen. Where the hell is he?

Meanwhile, Morris, Milo and Bill are wondering about their next move.

Morris: We haven't heard from Saddam is two chapters now! What the hell is going on?

Milo: I guess he's laying low.

Suddenly, they hear thumps above them.

Chloe: What the Hell is that?

Milo: (shrugs) I don't care. I'm going to see what zaniness Jack is going to get himself into.

Milo puts on the monitor of the computer to see the news again.

Reporter: This just in! There is trouble at CTU! Not inside but on the roof. Jerry, can you put the camera to the roof?

The cameraman agrees and the CTU crew see Jack, alongside other people, on top of the CTU roof.

Chloe, Morris and Milo run outside to see news reporters asking Jack questions.

Reporter 1: Is it true that they fired you from CTU?

Jack: That's right! I never felt so alive! (throws up) Okay, NOW I never felt so alive!

Reporter 2: Is it true that Rob Lowe will take your place at CTU?

Jack: Some dick already has!

Reporter 3: Kent Brockman, Channel Six News. Can you come down here?

Jack: Go f*** yourselves! Me and my friends are having a great time up here! We're drinking Tiger Blood and, DUH, WINNING!

Chloe: Can he do anything worse?

Jack steps back and reaches for something. He pulls it out and shows it to the reporters: A machete.

Milo: Wow, this is getting bad.

Jack: I'M KING OF THE WORLD!

Morris: It just got worse!

A moment later, Jack comes down from the roof, saying goodbye to his friends, and people crowd around him.

Jack: I've answered enough questions! Good day to you!

The reporters shrug and go away. Jack turns to Milo, Morris and Chloe.

Jack: Hey, how are you guys? Wait, let me guess. Losing! You're all losing! I'm, duh, winning! I'm drinking tiger blood.

Chloe: We need to get you inside! You're really screwed up!

Jack: NO! I'm perfect! WATCH! (sings) I'M SO EXCITED! I'M SO…(crying) SCARED!

Jack hugs Chloe and she hugs back. Milo and Morris hug him too.

Jack: Chloe, I can feel your five o'clock shadow on you.

**9:59:57**

**9:59:58**

**9:59:59**

**10:00:00**

Jack: The end.

Morris: That was horrible.

Milo: Agreed.

Chloe: I third that.

Bill: That was the best worst story ever.

Jack gets out a gun and shoots them all to death.

Jack: Well, better start digging their graves.

Jack pours water on to the fire and digs a hole with his bare hands.

Jack: I declare tonight's Midnight Society closed.

**Tune in next week for more Digimon…I mean, 24!**


	15. Chapter 15

DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN ANY 24 CHARACTERS! PLEASE ENJOY OR READ SOMETHING ELSE…preferring Marcen12.

**Previously on 24**

Chloe goes up to Jack's desk.

Chloe: Jack, how do you get from here to Toronto?

Jack gets up from his desk and jumps to his left.

Jack: You take a jump to the left!

Suddenly, random people jump to the left.

People: (sings) And then you jump to the right!

Next…

Morris and Milo are on a game show. Milo is in a huge container while Morris is with a weird host.

Wink Yahoo: Get this question right, your team wins 50 points! If you answer wrong, your partner gets dunked! Here we go! (holds up a card like a robot) Oooop! What is the color of the morning sky? A) Green B) Pink C) Blond D) Blue

Morris: Can I use a lifeline?

Wink: We don't have lifelines on this show.

Morris: This answer is impossible to answer.

Milo: ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?

Wink: You give up? The answer is D) Blue!

Morris: I would've never guessed.

Wink: The color blue is the color of the sky as well as the team who is beating you in this game! Punisher?

A man in an S&M outfit is on top of the container Milo is in, putting goo in it.

Punisher: It's time to get slimed by the Slimer!

Milo: MORRIS!

Then…

Bill is at an audition for a children's TV show.

Bill Nye: Hi, kids! Bill Nye the Science Guy here! I'm back from that horrible story that some dumb kid wrote about me! Guess what we're going to do today, Bill?

Bill: We're going to play with fire?

Bill Nye: Not play, young Bill! We're going to experiment with it! Now, the most important thing to do with dire is to realize that fire is not a toy! And…

Bill doesn't listen to a word that the scientist is saying. He is setting things on fire.

_MOMENTS LATER_

Fire fighters leave the burned set after they put out the fire. Bill Nye is shocked at the situation when Bill comes up behind him.

Bill: Terrorists?

Bill Nye looks at Bill, astonished.

Finally…

Saddam is watching a movie with his boyfriend, Heath Ledger.

Saddam: At least we get a mention in this chapter. It's not like we did anything important before.

Suddenly, a car crashes into a wall, nearly hitting Saddam. A red headed man peaks his head out his window.

Horatio: Excuse me! What year is this?

Saddam: 2011!

Horatio: Doc! We're not further in the future yet! We have to go more!

Doc Brown: Great Scott!

The car pulls away and disappears.

Saddam: This has been another pointless moment. Brought to you by MySpace, the biggest waste of time ever!

_**The following takes place between 10:00 pm to 11:00 pm.**_

**10:00 pm**

Milo and Morris carry Jack into CTU while Chloe walks behind them.

Jack: I don't need help being carried! I'm winning! I can carry myself!

Milo: Yeah, you've tried that twelve times before this chapter began. I don't think taking your word for it would help.

Chloe: Guys! We need to convince Bill to have Jack back on the team! He does more than that other guy!

Jack: Wait, what other guy?

Morris: Well-

Bill: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!

The group stops cold in their track as they see Bill right in front of them.

Morris: Happy birthday!

Bill: Why, thank you! It's been a whole day since everyone…hey, it's not my birthday, is it?

Milo: Psst. I think he's on to us.

Morris: What do we do?

Chloe: Don't worry. I got it covered.

Bill holds his chest and falls to the ground, dead of a heart attack. Chloe is holding a black notebook.

Chloe: Kira, you're no more.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor takes out a sawed off shotgun and shoots, killing this poor reader.

Me: My last words are…rosebud. (dies)

Editor: Little bastard.

**Back to the story**

Jack, Chloe, Morris and Milo look over at Bill's body.

Morris: Chloe. Did you just...?

Milo: You did what a lot of people wanted to do: Kill Bill.

Suddenly, a blond woman in a Bruce Lee yellow jumpsuit appears in front of them.

The Bride: You didn't think it would be that easy, did you?

Chloe: It was. I just killed him.

The Bride: Oh. This is awkward. (walks away)

Morris: Why the Hell did you kill him?

Chloe: You all saw it! He came at me with a chainsaw!

Milo: I didn't see anything like that!

Chloe: And we'll see that it stays that way.

Morris: We have to hide the body!

Milo: Where?

Chloe: I know where.

_Moments later at a bridge_

Morris and Milo are looking over a bridge while Chloe is waiting beside her car. The men see a boat filled with a big garbage cart behind it.

Milo: There it is!

The men grab a garbage bag, containing the body of Bill and hold it over the bridge, waiting for the right moment to drop it.

Morris: Now!

They drop the body into the garbage ship, which lands in the huge pile of garbage.

Milo: Mission accomplished.

Chloe: Now, we have to get back to work.

The three of them go back in the car and realize something is wrong.

Morris: Where's Jack?

Chloe: I don't know, I thought you had him.

Milo: I think we left him at CTU! Morris, step on it!

Morris: Milo, you're the one driving!

Milo: Oh right.

The car drives off to CTU.

**10: 08 pm**

Jack is alone at CTU, on the floor, where his co-workers left him.

Jack: (sings) How could this happen to me? I've made my mistakes. Got nowhere to…damn it, damn it, damn it!

Jack closes his eyes for a moment and opens then opens them quickly.

Jack: Why am I like this? I'm Jack Bauer. I can do anything; like that Blue's Clues song told me so. I'll get my daughter, with or without help! (gets up) I'm going to give Bill a piece of my mind!

Jack goes to Bill's office, noticing that all the lights are turned off for some reason.

Jack: I guess someone didn't pay the electric bill again.

Jack steps into Bill's office and sees Bill sitting at his desk, his back turned to Jack.

Jack: Bill! You can't stop me from doing my job: saving America. I've done that already so I need to save my daughter! You want to know why? I'm not a coward, I'm a winner!

Bill is still turned away from Jack.

Jack: Are you listening to me! I can do the job with or without your help! Bill? Hello!

Jack goes to Bill and turns him around and Jack screams at the sight of Bill's face which had no facial features!

Jack: Oh God. Oh Man. Oh God. Oh Man.

Jack starts to back away but he bumps into something…that is laughing at him. Jack slowly looks behind him and sees…

Freddy Kruger: Welcome to Elm Street, the place where your city of dreams are your Hellish nightmares.

A chair pops out from behind Jack, forcing Jack to sit down on it. Restraints slither around the man and tighten him into the seat.

Jack: You're really going to kill me with restraints? I've nearly been choked to death like a trillion times, I've been shot at a billion times and I got shot a few times. What you're doing is child's play!

Freddy: Oh. I'm not going to kill you with restraints. What I am going to do is kill you another way, making you wish that the restraints would kill you.

A television appears out of the ground and Freddy puts a tape in its VCR.

Jack: You still have a VCR? This isn't the 1980s!

Freddy: The thing I'm going to show you is only out on VHS! Also, I have no time for DVDs. (presses Play) Enjoy!

Jack looks at the TV and sees what is playing: Stop! Or My Mother Will Shoot!

Jack: NOOOOO! HAVE MERCY! PLEASE! NO! NO! NO! NO! HANG ME! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! I'LL LET YOU HAVE MY DAUGHTER…oh, right. TURN IT OFF!

Freddy laughs as Jack starts to feel strange.

Jack: My head. I feel like I'm losing brain cells…slowly losing them.

Freddy: Slowly? I guess I'll have to put in another movie.

The supernatural creature snaps his fingers and the screen changes into: Kazaam.

Jack: NOOOOO! HELP ME! MY BRAIN IS…God…damn. Help…..please.

Jack closes his eyes, tightly. Suddenly, he gets slapped in the face. He opens his eyes to see Chloe and Milo looking at him, kneeling beside him.

Chloe: Are you okay? You looked like you were having a bad dream!

Jack: I was! I dreamt that I was forced to watch Stop! Or My Mother Will Shoot AND Kazaam!

Chloe: Thank God those movies have been outlawed.

Jack: It was horrible! (points at Chloe) You weren't there. (points at Milo) And you weren't there.

Milo: (calls out) Never mind, Morris! Jack came to!

Morris comes in, kneeling beside him, holding a box marked Jack's Organs.

Morris: Awww, damn! So close!

Milo: Better luck next time.

Jack: Also, I dreamt that I was fired and I didn't know what to do!

Chloe: Kind of like the writer of this story. Seriously, who the Hell is still reading this?

Milo: That wasn't a dream. You really were fired by Bill earlier!

Jack gets up from the ground, angry.

Jack: I was! Where's the son of a bitch? I'm going to kill him like Tommy Lee Jones with any person he works with.

Morris: Chloe killed him!

Chloe: Shut up, Morris!

Morris: Well, you did!

Milo: YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, PEOPLE!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor has his face buried into his hands.

Editor: Oh my God.

**Back to the story**

Jack: I need to find Bill so I can get my hands on Saddam and take my daughter away from him.

Morris: What are you going to do to him? (licks his lips, changes his tone) What are you going to do to him?

Jack: I'm going to mess him up.

Morris: Oh yeah.

Jack: Then, I'm going to rough him up.

Morris: Mmmmmm.

Jack: After, I'm going to tear him a new one.

Morris: Oh sweet goodness.

Jack: Then, I'm going to destroy him.

Morris: And, then you're going to smell him a little?

Jack, Milo and Chloe look at Morris, strangely.

Morris: Err…because you have to have a smell of death after you destroy a man.

Jack: Indeed, I do. But, first, I have to get to Bill. (walks away but stops) Oh yeah. He's dead. What does that mean?

Chloe: I guess since Bill is dead, you can come back on the team!

Jack: #Winning!

_MEANWHILE_

A man is in bed with a hooker when he suddenly wakes up, also waking up the woman.

Woman: What is it, Charlie?

Charlie Sheen: Someone is slandering my image.

_BACK TO CTU_

Milo: So, did anyone help you with the situation?

Jack: I'm not going anywhere near that guy. He's a giant douche bag.

Morris: No, not The Situation, the situation. What is up with getting to Saddam? Did anyone help you?

Jack: There was this kid named The Brat and he was supposed to help me but he was as pointless as this story.

Milo: So, what now?

Chloe: Well, I guess we try to do what we do best…wait for the improbability to happen.

Jack: How long will that be?

Chloe: Depending on this writer, and the show in the last four seasons, we don't have to wait very long.

**10: 18 pm**

Horatio and Doc Brown are in the DeLorean time travelling forwards in time (NO, THAT IS NOT THE BEGINNING OF A JOKE).

Horatio: I need to see Charlie Brown in the future, even if I have to have another plot hole in this story to get it right.

Doc: Great Scott! I forgot about the plot holes! Caine! Listen to me! There can't be any plot holes in the future! Otherwise, the future after that will suffer and things might go south!

Horatio: What does it matter to us? We come from the past? If you do anything now, it won't affect the past!

Doc: We can't be sure! We must play it safe.

Horatio: Won't playing it safe in the future to ensure that nothing will happen in the past create a plot hole, causing problems for the future anyway?

Doc: Oh, don't get scientific on me! I invented this car! Don't make me turn this car around to 2011!

Horatio: I guess we're going back (puts on glasses) to the future. (about to walk away)

Doc: You can't walk away. If you do, you'll fall out of the car faster than Family Guy's quality.

Horatio: (takes off glasses) No one stopped me from doing my thing since those stories from that idiot who put me in those stupid stories.

Doc: Here we are!

Horatio looks out of his window and sees a town, unlike any other. It looks like a cartoon…it is. The car sets down on to the ground and begins to drive around. They look around and see the people of this town and a little strange looking.

Doc: Something's weird about this place. The people are different colors. (points to a person) That one's purple. (points to another person) That one's green. (points to another person) That one over there is bright yellow! Did these people live near a nuclear power plant?

Horatio: This is the right place. See, there's a sign that shows!

Horatio points at a sign that gives the name of the town: Bluffington.

Doc: Why haven't I heard about this town?

Horatio: Because you came from the 80s. This town didn't exist until the 90s.

Doc: But we come from 2011! Doesn't that mean that we're travelling back to the past, NOT the future?

Horatio: Shut the hell up, idiot.

Doc: Hell is supposed to have a capital H. Who's the idiot now?

Horatio: There's the boy we've been looking for, even though we've only been here for under a minute.

A guy with very little hair, with a green vest and brown pants in walking around.

Horatio: Honk the horn.

Doc Brown does this and the guy turns around.

Horatio: Are you Charlie Brown?

The guy looks around, like he's hoping no one heard that, and goes up to the car.

Guy: Yes, I am. Or….I was.

Horatio: In fact, young man, you went under the names of Charlie Brown and Caillou.

Guy: Yes. The Witness Protection Program isn't that great with protection.

Horatio: So, if you're not Charlie Brown or Caillou, than what is your name?

Guy: Doug. Doug Funny.

Doc: (laughs) I'm sorry! Doug Funny! HA HA! (to Horatio) You hear that, Future Boy? DOUG FUNNY? What's next, a person named Apple?

Horatio: Well, you do fit the description of your past self. Balding, dorky, a bit scrawny.

Doug: HEY!

Horatio: Get in the car. We need you to answer some question about Saddam.

Doug: Why should I?

Doc: We don't want to look suspicious.

Doug: (looks at the car) Yeah, there's nothing suspicious about a crackpot and a monotone guy in a car from the past or future.

Horatio: We can do this the easy way (puts on glasses) or the hard way. (gets out of the car)

Doug: (shrugs) The easy way, I guess….

Horatio punches him in the face, knocking Doug out. Horatio grabs him and stuffs beside Doc. Horatio gets in also.

Doc: He clearly said the easy way! Why would you punch him?

Horatio: Punching him was the easy way.

Doc: What was the hard way?

Horatio: Making him watch the Star Wars Christmas Special.

Doc: Yeah, I guess that would be the hard way.

The trio flies back to the future with nobody in the town noticing a TIME TRAVELLING CAR IN FLYING! WHAT? HELLO?

The car disappears into the sky, into the void of plot holes that are mentioned throughout the story.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: If he wants me to read this so badly, why is he pointing out all of the plot holes? (scratching his head) Boy, if only I didn't kill him.

**Back to the story**

**10:26 pm**

The team is quietly working at their desks, not saying a word about Bill's demise. Chloe is working at her desk when Milo comes up to her.

Milo: Hi, Chloe….

Chloe: AAHHHH! Sorry, I thought you were the District Attorney.

Milo: Okay…listen. Me and everybody else are going to get a few things from the grocery store next door. Do you want to come?

Chloe: No! We have to find Saddam!

Milo: So, that's a no?

Chloe: Yes!

Milo: So, yes you're coming with us?

Chloe: I mean no, I'm not going with you!

Milo: Do you want anything while we're gone?

Chloe: Yes, my life before the incident from earlier.

Milo: We're probably not going to find that at the store but we'll get you frosted mini-donuts instead. Bye!

Milo walks out with everybody else, leaving Chloe alone. Chloe continues to work at her computer when something is thrown on to her desk. She sees that it is a crumpled piece of paper. Chloe looks around and finds no one is there. For some reason, she opens up the piece of paper and notices that there are words on it.

Chloe: (reads) I know what you did a few minutes ago!

Chloe thinks.

_FLASHBACK_

Chloe looks around the workers of CTU, who are quietly working at their desks and then pulls out a movie from her desk drawer…Showgirls. She puts it into her computer and plugs in her earphones. She watches it from where she left off from the night before.

Chloe: I have to watch this now! That damn Blockbuster three day rental is killing me!

Chloe smiles as she continues to watch the movie.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Chloe sighs in relief before noticing another crumpled piece of paper on her desk. She picks it up, fixes it and reads it.

Chloe: NO! I know the OTHER thing you did a few minutes ago!

Chloe gasps as she realizes what it was talking about. She gets up from her desk and looks around.

Chloe: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

_MEANWHILE_

A man wakes up from his sleep and looks around.

Adam Lambert: Why do I smell copyright infringement?

_BACK AT CTU_

Chloe walks slowly around CTU, trying to find some clue that she's not alone in the building.

Chloe: Jack? Milo? Milo, is this a joke? Morris? Uncle Frank? Uncle Frank, this isn't funny!

She walks to a window and looks outside into the dark night.

Batman: I'm Batman!

No, not the Dark Knight, the dark night. She looks outside and sees a dark figure outside. Chloe gets a flashlight from her desk and walks outside. She looks around and spots the dark figure.

Chloe: I'm not afraid…to take a stand….

Chloe shines the light on the figure. The light finds a face…a baby face. It has a bald head and it is smiling. She is relieved.

Chloe: Hi, baby! What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be home with your family?

The baby crawls away and something about the way it moved didn't seem to jive with Chloe. She had only shone the light at the baby's face at this point so she looked at the whole figure…and something was terribly wrong: this was no ordinary baby! This had mechanical legs.

Chloe: Oh sweet buttery Jesus.

The baby also had one eye, there was no other eye. With a quick twist, the baby turned to Chloe, its legs extending more and more. Chloe is freaking out. She hears a noise behind her and she quickly turns around. She is frightened to see a duck in a man's body walking towards her. She turns toward another sound and sees a big box that has a crank turning on its side, playing music. The second the music stops, the box opens and out comes a green hand. It falls and crawls to Chloe.

Chloe: They're cannibals.

She becomes more surrounded by these creatures. She looks around at these anomalies. She hears something close behind her. She turns around and sees the corpse of Bill. She is frozen.

Suddenly, there is music in the background. Bill shrugs his shoulders a few times. He, or it, then starts dancing. The other things join him, or it. They all shimmy to the right and clap their hands, whoever HAS hands and they all quickly look to their side. They all shimmy to the left and clap their hands and quickly look to their side.

Chloe: DANCING ZOMBIES? MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!

Chloe shields her eyes with her hands and a hand grabs her shoulder.

Chloe: AAAHHHHH!

Milo: What's the matter?

Chloe uncovers her eyes and sees that she is at CTU.

Milo: You fell asleep. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay.

Chloe: Weren't you going to the grocery store?

Milo: I forgot my wallet, that's why I came back. Are you sure you're alright?

Chloe: Yes, just a little tired. I guess the shenanigans that have been happening have really gotten me tired.

Milo: I'm surprised that anyone uses that word anymore.

Chloe: Shenanigans?

Milo: Nope. The word tired. Nobody here has said that word much and even then it's pretty rare.

Chloe: Oh.

Milo: Are you sure you don't want to come with us to the store?

Chloe: No, thank you though.

Milo: I'll bring you back some energy drinks. (walks out)

Chloe shakes her head as she looks around CTU. She goes into her drawer and pulls out a forbidden DVD: The last season of 3rd Rock from the Sun. She puts it in the computer, plugs in her headphones and watches it.

Chloe: (smiles) I don't care if you're the worst of all the seasons, you're still better than Quintuplets.

**10:35 pm**

Morris runs to the grocery store, seeing Jack and Morris waiting inside.

Jack: Do you have your wallet?

Milo: Yes but why do I have to pay?

Morris: Because you made us watch Spider Man 3.

Milo: I didn't force you! We didn't pay anything for it, it was out on DVD! In fact, it was either that or the 2003 version of The Hulk. Plus, Jack, you made us watch a worse movie!

Jack: You STILL won't let that go?

Morris: I can still hear the echoes of that movie.

The three of them go further into when they find something interesting. They see a bunch of medieval costumes, most of them knights with battle shields, hanging on a wall. Next to these is a box of various types of beer.

Jack: Guys. It's 10 at night. There are knight costumes just begging to be worn. There's beer. Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?

Milo: Oh yeah.

Morris: Hit it.

As the song "Drunken Lullabies" by Flogging Molly is blasting, the trio grabs knight costumes and takes a few bottles of beer. Before they do anything, however, they notice that something is missing.

Milo: We don't have any swords!

Jack: We don't need swords! (Jack reaches for something on a shelf and pulls it out) We have machetes!

Morris: ALRIGHT! WINNING!

Milo and Morris take machetes from the shelf and clink them with each others.

Jack: All for one…

Milo and Morris: …and one for all!

The three of them split up and run amok through the store, screaming.

Jack runs through the frozen food aisle, smashing windows of freezers along the way. He sees something in one of them that makes him yell in delight. He uses the machete to destroy the glass of the freezer and reaches in it again to take out the object of his affection: A box of chocolate Eggos.

Jack: YEEEAAAHHHHH!

Meanwhile, Morris is knocking over people with his battle shield, laughing like a maniac on his way. While he is doing this, he is drinking both Vodka and Red Bull at the same time. He screams as he slaps a random person in the face, knocking them out. He stands on a shopping cart.

Morris: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!

Milo comes in, laughing.

Milo: NOT YET! Ride the shopping cart!

Morris, so out of his mind, grabs a stick from the cart and uses it as a paddle to gain speed. He goes so fast that he loses his stick but this doesn't stop him. He heads toward a stack of gasoline cans and proceeds to crash into them. Morris is laughing as he is lying on the gasoline covered ground. People are walking away from this fiasco, some are running.

Jack comes in.

Jack: Guys, look what I found!

Jack holds up a bow and arrow.

Morris: Alright! Shoot it at me!

Jack: Just a minute!

Jack grabs a lighter from his pocket, sets the tip of the arrow of fire, and aims at Morris.

Milo: DO IT! IT'S GOING TO BE HILARIOUS!

Jack: Yeah! What's the worst that can happen?

Jack shoots the arrow.

**10:42 pm**

Chloe is sitting at her desk when someone comes into CTU, making her jump a bit. She sighs as it is only Horatio with someone she doesn't know who is in handcuffs.

Chloe: Who do you got there?

Horatio: A suspect. I'll be alone with him…in my study.

Doug Funny gulped.

Chloe: Sorry, Horatio, the study is being cleaned up. There's a bit of blood on the floor.

Horatio: Oh, okay. We'll be in the interrogation room.

_IN THE INTERROGATION ROOM_

Horatio is looking at the ground with his glasses on and his hands on his hips, beside a television set, complete with a VCR.

Doug: Are you going to interrogate me?

Horatio doesn't say a word.

Doug: Are you posing?

Horatio: You're very funny, Mr. Funny. I like funny people. I think it's funny that I'm going to send you right to jail if you don't tell me what I need to hear.

Doug: But I don't have anything to talk about!

Horatio: Then I'm going to have to use my cruelest punishment ever! I'm going to make you watch The Situation at the Donald Trump roast.

Doug: The who?

Horatio: Oh right. You don't know what those idiots are. You're from the 90s.

Doug: Do you expect me to talk?

Horatio pulls out a video tape and puts it in a VCR. He turns on the TV set.

Horatio: Yes…but also (puts on sunglasses) I expect you to die. (walks out of the room)

Doug looks at the TV and sees what is playing, finding it's a movie: It's Pat! Doug starts to scream.

Doug: GOD! OH DEAR GOD! NO! ANYTHING BUT THIS! I'LL TAKE HOBGOBLINS! I'LL EVEN TAKE MAC AND ME! JUST PLEASE STOP! I'LL TELL YOU ANYTHING!

Horatio comes back in the room and turns the TV off.

Horatio: You better hurry up. Watching a second of that movie kills anyone in an hour!

Doug: ALRIGHT! I'LL TELL YOU! Saddam came to me when I was Charlie Brown! I was so tired of Lucy taking the ball away every time I was about to kick it. One day, he came to me and said that he would kill Lucy if I helped him take over the world!

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Horatio: What did he want you to do? What did he want?

Doug: He wanted me to go to Hell with him and he made me make sure that he got all the good souls who watched Doug.

Horatio: Wait, what? The only thing he wanted you do to was take all the souls of people who watched your show.

Doug: Not show, SHOWS! I had Charlie Brown, Caillou and my latest show, Doug.

Horatio: Are you saying that Saddam is working with the Devil to get more souls? Does this mean Jack's daughter is there?

Doug: I doubt it. If anything, Saddam is doing something worse to her, like making her watch a horrible movie over and over and over again.

Horatio: Oh my God, watching a horrible movie that many times can cause brain damage. (grabs Doug and pushes him against a wall) Where the Hell is Saddam?

Doug: I don't know. He never gave me orders other than to make shows that take people's souls.

Horatio: (lets go of him) Well, you funny looking man, I guess I'll have to let you go.

Doug: Finally! Good luck with the whole Saddam and Cheney thing.

Horatio: I didn't mention anything about Cheney.

Doug: (nervous) Yes, you did.

Horatio: I know you know something about Saddam. Sure, you have under an hour to live after watching that clip of that terrible movie but I can make it quicker.

Doug: That's just a myth! There's no such thing as a movie that can kill you in under a specific amount of time!

Horatio: You may be right about that. Although, you're still forgetting that I could kill you with my bare hands.

Doug: You can try. If you can catch me!

With that, Doug slaps Horatio, letting the boy go for a moment and goes into a ball playpen, disappearing into the pit.

Horatio: (groans) For God's sake, Mr. Funny!

Horatio goes into the ball pit and slinks around. He pulls out his gun.

Horatio: Doug! Come here!

Doug: (pops out of the pit) Bazinga! (dives back into the pit)

Horatio turns to where Doug was and shoots, missing completely.

Doug: (pops out from another place of the pit) Bazinga! (dives back into the pit)

Horatio shoots the place where Doug has been before Doug pops from ANOTHER place.

Doug: Bazing-

Horatio quickly turns around and shoots Doug right in the forehead, killing him.

Horatio: Looks you went from having fun (puts on glasses) to being killed by gun. (walks away)

Horatio walks out of the room when a familiar face is in front of him.

Doc Brown: Well, where's Doug?

Horatio: Dead.

Doc: DEAD! Do you realize what you've done for the futcha?

Horatio: It was all for the greater good. His shows were connected to the Devil. Whoever watches one of his three shows, their souls are taken away from them. If anything, I did them a favor.

Doc: You don't understand! By killing Doug, you've completely messed up the television schedule of cartoons! Since there's no more Doug, you can count that something much more evil is going to take people's souls.

Horatio: So what?

Doc: Do you know the most evil cartoon after Doug? Pokémon.

Horatio: I have to quit. This has gone deeper than I expected.

Doc: Why? You've gotten closer to finding the answer!

Horatio: PIKACHU KILLED MY PARENTS! (looks dramatically at the sky…ceiling) I remember like it was yesterday.

_FLASHBACK_

Horatio, as a little kid, walks out of a theatre with his parents…which explains how he talks today.

Robert Patterson: What a great play.

Kristen Stewart: That play was fun. Don't you agree, Horatio?

Horatio: Yes! It was fun!

Robert: Now, now, little Horatio. What did we tell you about showing or conveying emotion? Remember what your Uncle Matthew Broderick told you about that.

Horatio: I'm sorry, I'll try again. (clears his throat) Yes. It was fun.

Kristen: Very good, Horatio. Now let us go home and talk there also.

Suddenly, a small figure pops in from of them, revealing it to be a yellow mouse-like figure: Pikachu.

Robert: AH.

Kristen: Oh no. Somebody help us. A Pokémon is going to attack us.

Because their cries for help are too dull for anyone to hear, the mouse releases electricity out of itself and shocks Robert to death.

Kristen: No. He's dead. Why didn't you take me?

Pikachu turns to Kristen and shocks her also.

Kristen: I'm dying. Ow.

Horatio looks the creature in the eyes as Pikachu is ready to kill him. There are police sirens nearby, prompting the yellow mouse to flee. Horatio turns back to his parents, who are lying close to each other. Their bodies are smoking as the electricity finished doing its work. Horatio looks up at the sky.

Horatio: No.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Doc: Isn't this your chance to get back at Pikachu?

Horatio: No. I've done enough for this world. There are some things that are better left…left. (walks away)

Doc: Wait a minute. Your parents were Robert Patterson and Kristen Stewart? Those people were the most monotone people that have ever been known to mankind! These people told you not to convey emotion! So, why do you still portray emotion?

Horatio: Because I'm a cop (puts on sunglasses) not a robot. (walks away)

**10: 49 pm**

Chloe is still working at her desk when the CTU doorbell rings.

Chloe: (confused) I never knew we had a doorbell.

She goes to open the door and sees a police officer standing there.

Officer: Mrs. O'Brian?

Chloe: Yes?

Officer: (pulls people in front of him: Jack, Morris, Milo, all covered in ash and still in their knight gear) Are these yours?

Chloe: What did they do?

Officer: They set a local supermarket on fire.

Chloe: Oh God.

Officer: The people at the supermarket aren't going to press charges.

Chloe: Thank God.

Officer: Well, I have a kid that's special.

Chloe: Well, these three are REALLY special. Get inside, you kids. I'll deal with you later. (the three guys run inside quickly)

Officer: The whole thing is burnt down to the ground. It was like the Hindenburg.

Chloe: Don't worry. I'll deal with them. Thank you, Officer.

_MOMENTS LATER_

Jack, Morris and Milo are sitting in chairs while Chloe is talking to them.

Chloe: Arson? Really? You guy haven't learned from the "Nun Incident"?

Jack: That was out of self defense.

Chloe: Why did you do it? There was no reason this time! So… (sniffs Jack's breath) Of course.

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Milo: What?

Chloe: You guys have been drinking! Why in God's name did you guys consume alcohol at a supermarket?

Morris: It was free.

Chloe: I doubt it! And why are you guys dressed like knights?

Jack: It all started around 8:00 this morning…

Chloe: SHUT UP! We have a reputation to keep! We're CTU! We're the most trusted people to catch the hardest criminals. We guys have to face the consequences!

Jack: Well, I'm ready to make this work! I'm ready, they weren't, bring it.

Chloe: What the Hell are you guys talking about?

Morris: Duh, winning!

Chloe: What are you guys on?

Milo: We're not on any drugs.

Morris: Well, we are! It's called life.

Chloe: Oh dear God. You guys are turning into those people.

Jack: We cleared all of our vices with our minds!

Chloe: That still doesn't explain why you guys burnt down a supermarket.

Morris: You really want to know why we did it?

Chloe: Yes!

Morris looks at Milo and Jack, who both nod at him. Morris looks back at Chloe.

Morris: Chuck Norris!

CHUCK NORRIIIIIIIIIS!

Chloe: Oh my God. What is wrong with you guys?

Milo: We're winning, duh!

Jack: We're so jacked up because we're full of tiger blood!

Chloe: You guys really are on something. Need I remind you that we have work to do? Jack, your daughter is STILL with Saddam!

Jack: I'm ready for him! I'm pumped up! I'm ready, he's not. Bring it.

Chloe: I think Bill firing you for Horatio is finally making you crack!

Milo: Speaking of which, where is he anyway?

Chloe: I'll call him. (takes out her cell phone and dials a number)

There is a split screen between Chloe and Horatio, who is in his car.

Horatio: Hello?

Chloe: Horatio? Where are you?

Horatio: I can't work at CTU, anymore.

Chloe: Wait, why not?

Horatio: I can't tell you. It's just that everything I do there takes a turn for the worst.

Chloe: I understand that Milo and Morris are gay for you but you do good work here!

Milo: Why did you have to tell him that? Yes, like YOU believe that he does good work here.

Horatio: I'm sorry. But I've reached an emotional level right now and I can't let that interfere with the objective.

Chloe: Are you a Vulcan?

Horatio: Goodbye, Mrs. O'Brian. (hangs up)

Chloe: I think he just quit on us.

Jack: (stands up) Let's celebrate! (sings) CELEBRATE, GOOD TIMES! COME ON!

The White-O-Meter appears as Jack is singing and dancing….it explodes.

**10: 56 pm**

There are split screens. Jack is still dancing to the song with Chloe, Milo and Morris watching, apologizing to ALL the white readers. Horatio is posing at the front of his car, pondering? Saddam is walking back and forth…no one knows what he's doing.

Outside of CTU, there is a figure that walks towards the building. The figure presses the doorbell and waits a few seconds….and waits…..

_MEANWHILE_

Jack is being tied up to a chair by Morris and Milo.

Chloe: I'm sorry we have to do this but you've broken the White-O-Meter.

Jack: I never even knew we had a White-O-Meter.

Morris: We've told you about a dozen times but you've still managed to do something so white, you've managed to become the white version of Flava Flav!

Jack: My dream has finally been realized.

Chloe: Jack, listen! We have to find your daughter! If we don't, he would have already made your daughter watch that movie he was talking about last.

Jack: Why should I care?

Morris: Because it's your daughter!

Jack: You called my daughter it! My daughter is a SHE! At least…I think she's a she.

Milo is about to say something but something near the front door makes them jump.

Milo: Somebody's at the door.

Jack: I'm not getting it.

Morris shrugs as he walks to the door.

Chloe: Don't go! It's probably the government!

Milo: Aren't we part of the government?

Chloe: STAY CALM! DON'T FREAK OUT! PLEASE, DON'T FREAK OUT! EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT!

Morris comes back into the room, white as a ghost.

Jack: Morris, are you alright?

A figure comes up behind Morris that makes everyone jump and turn as white as ghosts.

Bill: Why the Hell did you kill me?

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Oh dear God! What could be any worse!

Me: (gets up) SURPRISE!

Editor: WHAT THE HELL? I SHOT YOU DEAD!

Me: I switched your bullets with rubber bullets!

Editor: Then how come you were on the ground for so long?

Me: I had to make it realistic somehow.

Editor: (shrugs) You got me there.

Me: Yet, you're still reading my story.

Editor: Yeah, I'm over halfway. I thought what the hell.

Me: Keep reading. There's a reason why everything is as it is.

**Back to the story**

Jack: We thought you were dead!

Bill: I was! But I made a deal with the Angel of Death.

_FLASHBACK_

Bill: Pleeeease send me back! I'll be your friend! I'll give you anyone you want! It'll be a good substitute.

Angel of Death: Sure.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Chloe: How stupid. Whose soul did you give him?

_MEANWHILE_

Tommy Wisseau: I did naht hit her. It's naht true! It's bewlshit! I did naht hit her! I did naht! Oh hi Death.

Death: I have come to take you soul.

Tommy: A HA HA HA! What a funny story, Mark.

Death: My name is Death, you dumbass.

Tommy: Oh, you're just a big chicken! Cheep cheep cheeeep cheep cheep!

Death: Okay, you die now.

_BACK AT CTU_

Jack: That's all fine and good but we still can't find Saddam!

Bill: It's because for the whole hour, you people didn't do anything!

Milo: What do you mean you people?

Morris: What do YOU mean you people?

Chloe: He means us. We're idiots for not doing what we're supposed to do.

Bill: Exactly. Why Jack tied up?

Morris: He broke the White-O-Meter.

Bill: He still doesn't learn.

Chloe: So what do we do now?

Jack's cell phone rings. He bursts himself out of the ropes, gets up and takes it out of his pocket.

Jack: You guys are horrible at tying rope. (answers phone) Hello?

Saddam: Miss me?

Jack: YOU! When I get my hands on you…

Saddam: I have a boyfriend for that but thanks for the suggestion!

Jack: Give me back my daughter!

Saddam: Yes, in good time. For now, you have to hear the sheer terror that she is going to go through.

Jack: NO!

Saddam: Yes! I'm pressing play. And she's watching the movie that she can never be unseen. Goodbye. (hangs up)

Chloe: What's happening?

Jack: It was Saddam. (puts away phone) And this time…it's personal.

Morris: LAWLS! Get it! It's personal because Saddam has his daughter! HA!

**10:59:57**

**10:59:58**

**10:59:59**

**11:00:00**

**Next time on 24: The Amazing Race**

Jack and Chloe are in China, stuck in traffic.

Chloe: Why are we in a car? Couldn't we just run?

Jack: No. I have a reputation to keep.

Chloe: Oh yeah, your reputation involving you being a bigger idiot than the main characters in The Lost World.

Jack: I'm glad you understand.

MEANWHILE

Morris and Milo are in a cave, Milo stepping on stones with a certain facial feature, putting himself in danger.

Morris: Remember! All the traps all start with the letter I!

Milo: They're all eyes, dude! WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

Then…

Bill swims for another island.

Bill: Last time I get a boat that was made in Canada…damn beavers.

Finally…

Saddam and Heath are on a helicopter.

Saddam: Well, lovebird. I know this is cheating but, Hell, we're the bad guys! Am I right?

Heath shrugs as he shoves a bottle of pills in his mouth.

Saddam: Grabbin' pills!

_On the ground_

Jack and Chloe see Saddam's helicopter.

Chloe: What do you know! Saddam has a helicopter! How about that, Jack!

Jack: Not for long! (gets out cell phone) Hello? I'd like to place a carpet bomb on a chopper that is in the air!

Chloe: Jack, you can't carpet bomb something that's in the air!

Jack: SHUT UP! DO IT! (hangs up) This is going to go well!

In front of them, cars are exploding.

Chloe: Oh goody.

That's next on 24.


	16. Chapter 16

DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN ANY 24 CHARACTERS! PLEASE ENJOY OR READ SOMETHING ELSE…preferring Marcen12.

**Previously on 24…THE SOAP OPERA!**

Chloe and Bill are in a hospital. They are sitting beside Jack.

Chloe: I don't think he's going to make it, Bill! He's never going to come out of that coma!

Bill slaps her.

Bill: I have no response to that.

_Then…_

Milo and Morris are at a rival's home, holding pistols.

Milo: Whatever happens, I love you.

Morris: What?

Milo: Errr, I meant, olive juice!

Morris: Olive juice?

Milo: Olive juice, you too.

_After…_

Chloe is washing the dishes at her home when her front door opens. She turns and is surprised to see who it is.

Chloe: Son? I thought you were sent to the mental institution for killing your father.

Conan O'Brian: I never killed my father. But I know who did.

_And then…_

Jack and Bill are in an apartment. Jack is raising a gun at someone.

Bill: We've got the suitcase! Let's get out of here!

Jack: And you know my name is the Lord…when I lay my hand upon thee.

Guy: NOOO!

Jack shoots the person to death and Bill pushes him.

Bill: Did you know what you've just done? You've just killed…your brother!

Jack: Word?

_Afterwards…_

There is a wedding between Saddam and Heath. Friends and family of both parties are there.

Priest: And if there is anyone who thinks these two shouldn't be together, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Suddenly…

Man: NNNOOOOOO!

Everyone looks at the voice that screams. Behind them, a door opens and in comes a boy in a plastic bubble with plastic hands sticking out of it.

Bubble Boy: Don't marry Saddam!

Heath is shocked.

Bubble Boy: I wish I could quit you!

Saddam: Well, which is it? Is it going to be me or him?

Heath looks at Saddam, then Bubble Boy. He takes a deep breath and…

_Next…_

Bill and Jack are sitting on chairs, with a baby playing between them.

Bill: I have a confession to make, Jack.

Jack: Did YOU steal the 49 cents keep in my shoe?

Bill: No. The baby that is in front of you…I'm not the father.

Jack: This is going to be intense. (grabs a bowl of popcorn from under the chair)

Bill: Jack…you are the father.

Jack drops his bowl of popcorn.

_Then…_

Morris and Milo are in an office at CTU. Morris gives Milo an envelope.

Morris: When I leave this room, I want you to open this. Inside, there is a picture…that person is the person you have to kill.

Morris leaves the room and Milo opens the envelope. He sees the picture.

Milo: I have to kill…myself. I hate this guy. (takes out a pistol and puts it to his head) Here goes nothing.

Milo is about to pull the trigger but his other hand pushes it away.

Milo: OH NO! You're not getting away that easily!

_This just in…_

Chloe, one of her legs is a semi-automatic, is standing in front of a bunch of zombies…The Brady Bunch.

Chloe: You people are just too happy to be real! YOU MUST DIE!

_Then…_

Bill and Milo are on a roof, Bill clinging to the edge.

Milo: Let me help you!

Bill: Never! You killed my father!

Milo: No, Bill. I am your father.

Bill: AWESOME…I mean….NOOOOO!

_Finally…_

At CTU, Jack is standing on a desk.

Jack: Saddam has my daughter and now I'm going to get her back.

_**The following takes place between 11:00 pm and 12:00 am**_

**11:00 pm**

Jack is still standing on a desk. Everyone else is staring at him.

Chloe: Jack? You've been like this since before this episode started. Are you alright?

Jack: Let me have my moment.

Morris: Don't you think that standing on the desk for too long will give you Carpal-Tunnel Syndrome?

Chloe: Morris, don't you have to be stupid somewhere else?

Morris: Not until Tuesday.

Milo: Jack, please come down! We want to get Saddam like you! We care about your daughter and we will go through the ends of the Earth to find her. Right, Bill?

Bill: (deadpan) Oh yes. We will go spend an infinite amount of money to find someone who hasn't been made any appearances, other than the previously on 24 bits. We care about you a lot.

Milo: Geez, for someone who just came back from the dead, your soul still is dead.

Chloe: Come down, please? I'll give you candy!

Jack: Mommy said never to take candy from strangers!

Chloe: Jack, we've known each other longer than anybody else here!

Jack: I'm not coming down!

Morris: I'll let you play with my Game Boy! (pulls out a Game Boy out of his pocket) It comes with Pokémon Silver!

Jack: (smiles) You know how that gets to me! (comes off desk, takes Game Boy and starts playing it)

Morris: (pats Jack on the head) That's ma boy!

Chloe: What? Jack, I've known you longer than he has!

Morris: It's not that, Chloe! It's just that Jack's a grown boy! Grown boys don't really like candy, they like video games that take their minds somewhere else. (looks at Jack) Isn't that right, Jack? Jack?

Jack is not answering. While he is playing the game, his imagination goes deeper and deeper.

**Jack's imagination**

Jack is on a helicopter, gearing up for war. He looks at himself and he looks like he is wearing a school uniform. When he looks outside, however, he sees that there are people in medieval outfits, fighting each other. Beside him is an older looking man.

Old Man: Now, this mission requires most of your mind. You must slay the dragon in the castle in order to maintain the biggest fire. I will leave you to it.

Jack is about to jump out of the chopper when…

Old Man: Oh, one more thing. Don't wake the mother.

Jack nods his head and jumps out of the chopper.

**Back at CTU**

Morris is snapping his fingers in front of Jack.

Chloe: Did you also know that if Jack plays any sort of video game, he goes so deep into his imagination, that it's hard to get him out of it?

Morris: Why didn't you tell me that?

Chloe: Well, you apparently know him more than me! You two do stick with each other more than me and him.

Morris: So? It didn't say anything about bonding in the custody agreement!

Chloe: What custody agreement?

Morris: Oh right. (to himself) I forgot what she doesn't know….

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (singing to the beat of Thriller) Cuz this is Filler! Filler time! None of this relates to this story in the end, so why bother going on? Filler! WHOO-HOO! Filler night!

Me: Alright. The story will start again.

**Back to the story**

Bill: People! We have to get back to finding Saddam!

Milo: Yes! Enough stalling for time!

Morris: Jack! Wake up! We have to find your daughter!

Jack: (wakes up from his trance) I just had some kind of…I don't know what. (puts his hands in his pockets and pulls something out…a golden lighter) What the…

Chloe: Jack! Your daughter!

Jack: Yes. We must find her! Even if it kills me!

A shotgun blast barely misses Jack and everyone is looking at the source: Milo.

Milo: Sorry. It seemed like the perfect time to practice with my shotgun.

Jack pushes everyone out of his way and heads outside. Chloe follows.

Chloe: Jack! Where are you going!

Jack: I can't just sit back and let Saddam be kidnapped by a madman!

Chloe: But you did happen to waste a few chapters just moping over that fact.

Jack: I knew you wouldn't understand! (walks away)

Chloe: (to herself) I must have a retort somewhere!

Jack is outside. He goes up to a car, looks around and smashes the window. He opens the driver's door and he begins to hotwire it when Chloe appears beside him.

Chloe: Jack! What the Hell are you doing!

Jack: I'm going to get my daughter, Sir!

Chloe: I know! You've said that like a bazillion times!

Jack: No time! (he finishes hotwiring and the car is starting up) I have to find a place where Saddam would never be thought to be at!

Chloe: I got that but do you know you're stealing your own car?

Jack: (looks on the outside of the car) Huh. (takes out keys out of his pocket and puts it in the ignition) What do you know? Teach a monkey how to fish, huh?

Chloe: That doesn't make any sense! Also, how the Hell do you not know that's your car!

Jack: Well excuse me for living! (drives away) I guess it doesn't help that I put C4 in this car…wait. That was another car.

_MEANWHILE_

Chloe is about to go back in CTU when she remembers something.

Chloe: I have $3.00 for a snack in the vending machine! I've been waiting for this all day!

She goes to her car when, all of a sudden…okay, predictably, her car blows up, knocking her to the ground. She gets up and stares at the wreckage.

Chloe: YOU MANIAC! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

_BACK TO JACK_

Jack: It doesn't help that I thought that there were other people who were wrongly accused of being terrorists.

_MEANWHILE_

Three guys come out a bowling alley, laughing as they walk to one guy's car. He clicks the alarm and the car blows up. The guys are shocked but they don't seem to show it.

The Dude: Well, they finally did it. They finally blew up my car.

_BACK TO JACK_

Jack: I guess everything worked out for the best. (cell phone rings; Jack answers it) Hello?

Bill: Jack! You just left without warning!

Jack: I can't waste anymore time while Saddam is taking advantage of my daughter!

Bill: You know we can help you…

Jack: FORGET IT! The bear scout works alone!

Bill: WTF?

Jack: I will have nothing to distract me! This is like that movie with Liam Neeson where his daughter was **TAKEN **and when he realized that his daughter was **TAKEN, **he went through the ends of the Earth to find her. He didn't need anyone else's help when she was **TAKEN**. I think that movie was called Dumb and Dumber!

Bill: Fine! Call us….

Jack: I won't. I don't need anything distracting me on my quest….OM MY GOD, A PANCAKE RESTAURANT! G2G!

Bill: But Jack, your daughter….

Jack: BACKBURNER, BILL! THERE'S A PANCAKE RESTAURANT! (hangs up and drives to the restaurant)

**11: 11 pm**

Jack quickly parks in a handicap space and runs inside. He pushes people out of the way in order to get to the cashier.

Cashier: Welcome to Pancake Heaven, may I take your order?

Jack: Yes, yes, yes, please! I need two dozen chocolate chip pancakes, spread along with chocolate syrup, followed by (looks up at the order above him) half a dozen chocolate chip cookies, a half dozen white chocolate chip cookies and a diet Coke.

Cashier: Will that be all?

Jack: No! I'll also have a Happy Meal.

Cashier: We don't have Happy Meals.

Jack is about to take out his gun but he remembers what happened last time he pulled out a gun in a restaurant…

_FLASHBACK_

Jack is at Burger King, finishing giving his order.

Cashier: Will that be all, Sir?

Jack: No, I would like a Kids Toy?

Cashier: I'm sorry. Those are for children.

Jack takes out a gun and shoots the Cashier in the head. Everybody in the place starts screaming.

Jack: I'm going to McDonalds.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Jack: Fine. I'll leave my order as it is.

Cashier: (calculates the amount with a cash register) That will be $7.50.

Jack pulls out a gun and shoots the Cashier.

_REWIND_

Cashier: (calculates the amount with a cash register) That will be $7.50.

Jack: (pulls out cash) Here's 10 bucks. Keep the change.

_MOMENTS LATER_

Jack is sitting at an empty table, getting ready to eat his order.

Jack: Mmmmm, pancakes. (drools)

_MEANWHILE_

A man wakes up in the middle of the night, as if he came out of a nightmare. His wife wakes up with him.

Marge Simpson: Homey, what the matter?

Homer: I don't know. I felt that part of my soul was taken away for some reason.

_BACK TO JACK_

Jack: Yummy, yummy, I'm so hungry.

Jack is about to take a bite out of his order.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor is reading about Jack eating his order.

Editor: OH GOD! THIS IS…OH SWEET JESUS H. CHRIST! I MEAN….GOD! HE'S RAVASHING THIS FOOD!

Me: What can I say? I'm a good describer.

Editor: It's not only that, it's just that you put illustrations of Jack eating! I mean, this…just tasteless. I mean…OH GOD! (puts the script down) Oh….God….

Me: It's kind of hard to put down…except in your case.

Editor: (picks up script again) I'm just going to skip ahead of this. (flips through several pages) My God! It's nothing but Jack eating pancakes! (stops at a page) Finally, he stops.

**Back to the story**

Jack is sitting back on his table, picking at his teeth. He holds his stomach for a moment.

Jack: Oh great. I have to use the bathroom.

And with that, Jack gets up and goes to the bathroom…the wrong bathroom, if you will. He enters the woman's washroom, into one of the stalls, pulls down his pants and…

**At the editor's desk**

Editor flips through several more pages, in disgust, until he stops at one page.

**Back to the story**

While Jack is still in the bathroom, two familiar faces are talking to each other at a table.

Saddam: I love you, Heath.

Heath blushes and kisses Saddam. Then, Heath gets up on a table and pulls out a gun. Everybody in the restaurant screams.

Saddam: (pulls out a pistol) ALRIGHT, EVERYBODY! BE COOL! THIS IS A ROBBERY! IF ANY OF YOU PRICKS MOVE, I'LL SHOOT EVERY F***ING LAST ONE OF YOU!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Hold on a minute. Saddam and Heath are in a pancake restaurant and Jack doesn't even notice them?

Me: Yep.

Editor: Can you please tell me why the Hell the two people are in a public restaurant in the first place…WITHOUT ANYBODY NOTICING THEM?

Me: It's 24, buddy. Nothing has to make sense.

Editor: I just have to get through eight more chapters after this…

**Back to the story**

Saddam: Me and my hunny bunny here, (Heath blushes) want everyone's wallets! NOW!

Everyone in the restaurant take out their wallets and Heath gets down from the table, pulling out a huge brown sack from under the table. He walks around the restaurant.

Saddam: Everyone put your stuff into the man's sack…then put your wallets into the brown bag.

Everyone obeys the madman as people put their wallets in.

_MEANWHILE_

Jack comes out of the washroom, relieved.

Jack: WOW! That burns. Well, time to get seconds.

Jack stops to see that the place is quiet. He sees that people are afraid. He looks around and sees…

Jack: (pulls out his gun) FREEZE!

Saddam and Heath both turn around and see Jack.

Saddam: Well, well, well, Jack. Nice to see you.

Jack: Wear is my daughter?

Saddam: Don't you mean WHERE is your daughter?

Jack: Oh, thanks. Where is my daughter?

Saddam: Oh, she's in our car outside! Go to the window and take a look!

Jack, still focused on Saddam, slowly goes toward the window. While still aiming the gun at Saddam, he peeks out the window.

Saddam: It's the blue Honda Accord.

Jack: You know, for a terrorist, you sure do pick crappy cars.

Jack looks around in the parking lot and sees the Honda Accord. He squints his eyes and sees a figure with a bag over their head.

Jack: KIM! (turns to Saddam) You bastard! Let her go!

Saddam: No.

Jack: Please? I'll be your friend!

Saddam: Heath Ledger is my best friend. Isn't that right, Heath?

Heath smiles and blushes as he nods.

Jack: COME ON! I need her! You can have anyone here!

Cashier: ASSHOLE!

Jack: Shut up! He has my daughter!

Saddam: How clichéd.

Jack: If you don't let my daughter go, I'll shoot you.

Saddam: If you shoot me, then I'll just go to the car and kill her.

Jack: You wouldn't.

Saddam: I would.

After several seconds of "intense" staring between these two, Jack puts his gun down, defeated.

Saddam: Let's go, sweetheart.

Saddam takes his boyfriend by the hand and runs out of the store, leaving Jack to sit at an empty table. He looks out the window and sees Saddam drive away. The Cashier goes up to him.

Cashier: You know, if you shot both those guys, you could've save your daughter. The guy can't kill your daughter if he's been shot in this restaurant, right?

Jack: (pulls out a semi automatic…out of nowhere) You never, I repeat, NEVER bring logic in this story. Now, bring me a dozen chocolate chip pancakes with chocolate syrup...and some Skittles.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Jack is becoming more and more of an idiot as time goes on! What do you have to say about this?

Me: I don't know. (shrugs) Bebe's Kids.

Editor: Alright, that's understandable.

**Back to the story**

**11: 23 pm**

Chloe is working at her desk when her cell phone rings.

Chloe: (answers it) Hello?

Jack appears beside Chloe, in split screen.

Jack: Chloe, it's me! Saddam was just here at the pancake place. (off the phone) Take it back! I need more syrup! Screw it, give me the whole bottle!

Chloe: Jack, you're supposed to be finding your daughter! What are you doing at a pancake place?

Jack: I was hungry!

Chloe: Also, Saddam was there? Eating pancakes?

Jack: No, more like robbing the place.

Chloe: And you didn't stop him because…?

Jack: He said if I shot him, he would kill my daughter?

Chloe: IF YOU SHOT HIM, HE WOULD BE DEAD; THEREFORE, YOU COULD SAVE YOUR DAUGHTER!

Jack: (takes out a pistol and shoots at Chloe's screen) Now, listen here.

Chloe: WTF? How did you do that with your…

Jack: There is no logic in this story. Now, please, leave me alone.

Chloe: YOU CALLED ME!

Jack: And I told you what I needed to tell you. Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to drink this bottle of chocolate syrup.

Chloe: For the last time, you don't drink syrup!

Before Jack hangs up, Chloe swears she hears Jack drinking the syrup while people are chanting, "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

Chloe: How can I hear someone drinking syrup?

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: That's a good question. How do you hear someone drink syrup?

Me: (takes out a pistol and shoots Editor in the head) No logic. No logic. No logic.

**At the REAL editor's desk**

Editor: How idiotic.

Me: And yet, so simple.

**Back to the story**

**11: 26 pm**

Milo and Morris are at Morris's desk.

Morris: …so then I shot her.

Milo: Well, she did deserve it. I mean, it wasn't your fault.

Chloe runs to the two men.

Chloe: Guys, Jack bumped into Saddam!

Morris: What? When?

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: I'm sorry but what did Morris say before Chloe came along and advanced the plot?

Me: That he shot someone. A female, maybe.

Editor: Why don't you place that in as a plot point to this story! I want to know what happened to lead up to that point!

**Back to the story**

Chloe: Jack was eating at a pancake restaurant, or still is, when he got bumped into Saddam.

Milo: What happened?

Chloe: Saddam was robbing the place and Jack came out and was going to shoot him if he didn't get back his daughter. Saddam says if Jack shoots him, Jack will kill his daughter.

Morris: So, Jack let him get away in order to save a life. That's pretty standard for hostage situations.

Chloe: But couldn't Jack shoot Saddam THEN save Kim?

Morris and Milo pull out their pistols on their friend.

Milo: Chloe, we love you. We really do. Here's the problem: If you bring logic into this, the universe will implode.

Morris: That means no way to save Kim or the world. That will be the end of this story.

Chloe: Fine! I'll try not to bring logic in this situation. If Spock was in this story for some odd reason, he and his logic would apparently bring world destruction.

Milo and Morris puts away their guns.

Milo: Now, knowing Jack, he probably has a plan to track Saddam down.

Chloe: Nope. He's just drinking syrup at the pancake place.

Milo: Oh God. He better not drive. Everyone knows that if you drink too much syrup, your blood alcohol levels go through the roof!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Is that true?

Me: It's got to be. I got it from Wikipedia.

Editor: And where exactly do you get your news? Fox? The New York Post?

Me: Are you calling me an idiot?

Editor: (looks up at the ceiling) Finally! He gets it!

**Back to the story**

Chloe: Jack will never save Kim! It's like he's given up all hope! It's like the Star Wars prequels all over again.

Milo: Except he's not thinking about suicide….hopefully.

Morris: We have to help him. (takes out cell phone and dials)

There is a split screen beside him. Jack appears, answering it.

Jack: Hello?

Morris: Jack, where are you!

Jack: I just left Pancake Heaven to get a bite to eat.

Morris: There's still a Pancake Heaven? I thought they closed down because they found a human finger in one of their pancakes.

Jack: Nope, I was driving around, feeling the buzz of drinking chocolate syrup.

Morris: CHOCOLATE syrup. (talks to Chloe and Milo) This is worse than we thought. (back to Jack) Get off the road! You're not well!

Jack: While we're on the topic of not being well, how would you take it if I said I crashed my car into Pancake Heaven?

Morris: Run for it.

Jack: I'm already doing that. Can you tell me why?

Morris: There are going to be cops coming to get you!

Jack: The police can't get me! I never broke the law! I AM THE LAW!

Morris: Keep telling yourself that! You already have two strikes against you, not to mention that you're on probation.

Jack: I could go with Plan A. Wait for all the cops to come here and shoot them. All of them have just two days left until retirement.

Morris: DON'T GO WITH PLAN A! Don't you have a Plan B?

There is a slight pause, then a scream, and Jack is talking again.

Jack: Plan B was already been put into action.

Morris: I heard a scream. Did you shoot a civilian? That's what got you your first two strikes!

Jack: You were there that day! Those people came at me with a hacksaw!

Morris: JACK! WHERE ARE YOU?

Jack: I stole a random person's car. Told him to let me have the car and that he, his friend and someone at the back seat to get out of the car, or I'd kill them all!

Morris: At least it was for CTU business.

Jack: I should've told them that.

Morris: We can help you! Tell us where Saddam was?

Jack: I don't know. Last time I saw him, he and his boyfriend were in Pancake Heaven! Then, they took their blue Honda Accord and drove away.

Morris: Saddam is on the America's most wanted list. We can narrow him down…somehow. I don't know how to work these machines.

Jack: Groovy.

_MEANWHILE_

A man is fighting off zombies when he gets a sudden realization.

Ash: Someone is using my word. Human or not, I will kill them.

A zombie crawls to his feet. Ash gets out a shotgun and aims it at the deformity.

Ash: Swallow this.

_ANYWAYS…_

Morris: Where are you?

Jack: I'm looking for Saddam in this blue Honda Accord.

Morris: What a crappy car.

Jack: Yes, Saddam has the…exact same car. AW F***!

Morris: What is it?

Jack: I'm an idiot. I just realized something…I forgot to get more pancakes for the road!

Morris: Don't go back to that pancake place!

Jack: Fine! G2G! I have to find Kim; otherwise, he'll unleash the world's worst movie on her.

Morris: I think he's done that already. I mean, I'm pretty sure that he's shown her the movie. He's had her for over three hours.

Jack: Dammit, Morris! I'll do anything to get her back as long as she's still alive.

Morris: I'm glad that you care that much about your daughter.

Jack: My who? Oh yeah! I have to make a U-turn then. I'm on the highway! Aw well. I'm Jack Bauer! I can do anything! See you later!

Morris: Jack!

It's too late, Jack hangs up and his split screen is gone.

Milo: Well?

Morris: Do we still have those funeral coupons?

Chloe: OMG! Is Jack going to die?

Morris: No and stop using MSN talk! The coupons are for those innocent people that he's going to kill in a matter of seconds.

Milo: An everyday occurrence with that woman.

**11: 34 pm**

Saddam and Heath and their hostage, Kim with a bag still over her head, are walking down a lonely road…the only road that they have ever known.

Saddam: I don't understand why Jack didn't arrest us. He kicked us out of my car to find us! Even for me, that's a little stupid!

Heath points at their hostage.

Saddam: No, Heath. We cannot take the bag off her head. It will raise suspicion.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: HE CAN'T TAKE OFF THE BAG BECAUSE IT WILL RAISE SUSPICION! ARE YOUR CHARACTERS SOMEHOW GETTING DUMBER BY THE MINUTE?

Me: It's my genius way of writing.

Editor: I've seen you other works. Freaky Friday with The Simpsons. A parody of the movie Toy Story. A handful of CSI: Miami shorts that make fun of the main character! Those were genius! Stupid but better than this!

Me: What can I say? I'm like Sam Raimi.

Editor: Sure you are. Only THIS story is your Spider Man 3.

**Back to the story**

Heath nods his head in agreement.

Saddam: There's a car that we can use to get where we need to go!

Saddam and Heath, who is leading Kim along, walk toward a van that has the words "Mystery Machine" on it. Saddam goes up to the driver's window and knocks on it. A man in a red neckerchief rolls down the window.

Fred: Hey, what's up, stranger?

Saddam: Me and my two friends need a ride to (DON'T WANT TO SPOIL WHERE IT IS).

Fred: We can take you there! Climb in the back! (looks at Kim) Why does that person have a back over their head?

Saddam: We're on our way to a Halloween party!

Fred: Groovy!

_MEANWHILE_

Ash gets a nagging pulse in his head, while he is on top of a house, killing off zombies with a semi automatic.

Ash: Someone is using my word. I will kill them.

_OKAY…._

Saddam, Heath and Kim, with a bag over her head are riding in the van with a couple of interesting characters.

Shaggy: Like, holy cow, man! Those are some groovy looking clothes you got there!

Scooby: Yeah! Groovy!

Velma: So where are you guys from, anyway?

Saddam: We are from New Jersey! We're just getting a ride here to a friend's Halloween party.

Daphne: I knew you guys dressed up differently! It's because you're from Jersey!

Saddam: That is correct!

Fred: Well, speaking of Halloween, we have been through a lot of scary stuff lately! Like the ghost in the London lighthouse which turned out to be Old Man Withers. Then, we saw a sea monster that was haunting the lake in New Brunswick.

Saddam: I don't think there are lakes in…

Shaggy: I don't want to think about ghosts right now! I have a creepy feeling that we're all in terrible danger!

Scooby: Rah! Ranger!

Velma: Guys, we are not in danger! We are all friends here!

Daphne: Sometimes, we could be a little bit more. (smoothes Velma's hair)

Fred: Let's hold off on the orgy until we drop these three people off.

Velma: (looks at Heath) I notice you're quiet, Sir.

Shaggy: Yeah! Why so quiet?

Saddam: He can speak but, I think, he chooses not to.

Velma: Oh, I see!

Shaggy: Groovy!

_YOU KNOW THE DRILL_

Ash defeats all the zombies and, finding out someone is using his word frequently, he takes out a rocket launcher and fires several into the air.

Ash: Swallow this.

_BACK TO SADDAM_

The Mystery Machine stops in front of the place Saddam told them. Saddam, Heath and Kim get out of the van.

Saddam: Thank you for getting us here!

Fred: No problem!

Shaggy: Have a groovy time!

Saddam waves goodbye as he, Heath and Kim are walking toward their destination. As they go inside the place, the Mystery Machine gets bombarded with rocket launcher missiles.

Saddam: Did you hear something? No, just an explosion.

**11: 40 pm**

Chloe goes up to Bill's office and knocks on his door.

Chloe: Bill, I have some news about Saddam. (opens door) Bill?

Bill: DON'T COME IN!

Chloe walks in to see Bill trying to hang himself. He is standing on his desk, rope around his neck.

Chloe: Bill, we've been over this! Never hang yourself…it's not quick enough for you to die.

Bill: Thanks for coming on to this before I did it.

Chloe: We already had this discussion about killing yourself a few days ago, remember?

Bill: Yeah, yeah. (takes off rope) It was as if it were days ago.

_FLASHBACK_

Chloe is at Bill's house. She knocks the washroom door, where Bill is.

Chloe: Bill, I have some jokes at the 9/11 roast! Tell me what you think!

No answer.

Chloe: Bill? (opens bathroom door) Bill, are you…

She sees Bill lying in the bathtub, unconscious. His wrists have been slit and there is writing in his blood on the bathtub wall: IT. Chloe looks over this, panicking and then…

Chloe: AAHHHHH!

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Chloe: Last time you tried to off yourself, you have a good reason. A killer clown was out to get us! What's wrong this time?

Bill: I've tried so hard to get Saddam! Nothing seems to be working! I've come up with plans…I've come up with no plans…that never work!

Chloe: But you just came back from the dead and now you want to go back?

Bill: Yes, it's the only place that everything makes sense.

Chloe: If you want to catch this sucker, you have to do better than do absolutely nothing.

Bill: But that's all I know how to do!

Chloe: You're our boss!

Bill: I don't even know how I got this job!

Chloe: You challenged James Dean to a race in 1955.

Bill: Chloe, this story couldn't possibly handle any more inconsistencies.

Chloe: Now do you want to die a hero? Or live long enough to see yourself as the villain?

Bill: I don't think that helps the situation at hand. In fact, it makes me want to die more.

Chloe: Alright, Owen Wilson, if nothing I say helps, then do it for the money.

Bill: I forgot about the money! Thanks, Chloe!

Chloe: Now, back to Saddam. Jack had found him…

Bill: Hoorah!

Chloe: …and let him go.

Bill: Dammit.

Chloe: Jack's not going to be pleased that you're using his word.

Bill: He shouldn't be pleased at all! He let one of the most dangerous men in the world get away!

Chloe: It was because of his daughter.

Bill: Screw his daughter…for now. We have a madman out there who will kill anyone who gets in his way!

Chloe: I think that's how all madmen are.

Bill: GODDAMN IT, CHLOE! CALM DOWN! JESUS CHRIST! DON'T GO CRAZY ON ME!

Chloe: I'm alright. A minute ago, I stopped you from killing yourself.

Bill: I'm going to ask you again, young man! CALM DOWN!

Chloe: I am calm!

Bill gets out a taser and shocks Chloe with it, making her fall to the ground, shaking.

Bill: You had it coming. You killed me.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: I know that I'm going to be a little late while I'm so late into this story but…what about the whole President's cookies being stolen and whatnot?

Me: I haven't forgotten about that.

Editor: It's barely mentioned anymore! Knowing you, you killed off that plot point…or plot hole as I should put it. In fact, there are some things that aren't really explained. This is like the second Mortal Kombat movie!

Me: Don't you dare compare this to that piece of crap.

Editor: Sorry. I should've compared this story to the Street Fighter movie.

Me: You got me there.

**Back to the story**

**11: 46 pm**

Morris is on the phone at his desk and, when Milo walks to him, hangs up quickly.

Milo: Hey, what's up?

Morris: Not trying to start a war between France and Spain if you want to know. Ha!

Milo: Okay…any word from Jack since that call?

Morris: No, I presume he's dead.

Milo: Impossible. He's the main character on this show. Killing him off would be like killing off Gregory House in House.

Milo: I wouldn't go that far. They've killed off main characters before. Remember Lost?

Morris: I never watched that.

Milo: Audrey died a few hours ago.

Morris: That man with a wig and five o'clock shadow?

Milo: Glad to see we can still make fun of dead people here.

Morris: Yeah, it's not like they can haunt us and we have to face the consequences.

Milo: Speaking of haunting, Chloe and Bill are coming this way. Act natural.

Milo takes out a book and pretends to read it. Milo crosses his arms and tilts his head a bit sideways. Chloe and Bill go up to the two men…a term used very lightly.

Bill: Good evening, guys.

Morris: Hey! Bill! Yo gabba gabba! Rap with me, brother!

Chloe: Agreed. Morris is not allowed to watch Malibu's Most Wanted.

Bill: How are you guys doing to terms of catching Saddam?

Milo: I'm reading clues in this book.

Bill: What book is it?

Milo: It's called… (looks at the cover of the book) Dream catcher by Stephen King. BALLS!

Bill: So, no progress?

Morris: Do you know how Jack saw Saddam and he got away?

Bill: Yes. (takes out tazer and shocks Chloe, making her faint) She was supposed to be like that anyway.

Milo: A cripple like Terry Fox? A mess like Lindsey Lohan?

Bill: None of those. More dead than Dennis Rodman's personal life.

Morris: Sir, that doesn't make any sense.

Bill: This story doesn't make any sense, either. Why the Hell are you complaining now?

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: I swear to God, it's like these characters are beginning to have minds of their own.

Me: So?

Editor: It's like a better writer snuck in and wrote some of this story. Even the characters in this story are finding the flaws that your tiny brain can't muster.

Me: Brain?

Editor: Moving on.

**Back to the story**

Bill: People. Saddam is out there…terrorizing and whatnot.

Morris: Oh God, you're seriously not going for a monologue.

Bill: He has become the constant pain in the ass that we have all come to know. He has killed many many many many people and is an insult to the nation.

Milo: Oh sweet buttery Jesus…he is going to do a monologue.

Bill: Saddam is the speck of dust that we must vacuum. He is the road kill which we scrape and destroy. Saddam is the ticking time bomb and we must take out its batteries! He is the dynamite which we must defuse! (stands on top of a desk) They say we try our best and that we can all go home!

Morris: Thank God. I don't think I could take anymore of this. (about to walk away)

Bill: They say that the war is about to be over…and we can go home.

Morris: Well…life's a bitch. Let us deal with it. Bye! (about to walk away)

Bill: They say that everything will be okay…and that we can all go home.

Morris: Well, I would if you would shut the Hell up.

Bill: Well. In the true name of America, I will not go home.

Morris: NO! NO! DON'T DO THIS TO ME, BILL! YOU SAID THAT WE COULD GO HOME!

Bill: I will not go home while that son of a bitch is still out there, doing terrorist things!

Morris: Heart of a poet.

Bill: Now, who wants to go home? (Morris raises his hand) And, who wants to help me capture Saddam?

Milo slowly applauds and, out of the blue, Chloe gets up and applauds slowly. Their applause slowly picks up speed. Morris on the other hand…

Morris: NO! NO! NO! NO!

Bill: Did you say something, Morris?

Morris: Nothing, just I thought my opinion mattered. I guess I was wrong.

Bill: Did you say something, Morris?

Morris: No. I didn't. (whispers) Dummy.

Bill: I never thought I'd say anything about a person, good or bad, black or white, man or woman, but Saddam is a big fat doo-doo head!

Suddenly, a black guy comes along after hearing what Bill said.

Bill Cosby: A BIG FAT DOO-DOO HEAD! (dances like he's in a seizure)

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Before I go any further, I would like to point out that a monologue is supposed to be consistent, not be interrupted by someone who doesn't want to be there.

Me: (looks around, nervously) The Bat Signal. Got to run! (smashes through window)

Editor: Well, at least he waited several chapters before doing that again. Lord knows I could kill him again but he'd just come back to life.

**Back to the story**

**11: 54 pm**

There are split screens. Saddam and Heath are looking at Kim, who still has a bag over her head, quietly. Bill is STILL standing on top of his desk with Chloe and Milo applauding him. Morris is at his desk, playing what he thinks is Jenga but it's really Dominos…how in God's name does that work? Audrey is still dead.

Jack parks his car in front of his house…not only to get his best guns, however.

Jack: I must run away from the cops. Oh yeah, run over a few people "accidently", drive through a few traffic lights, crash a car into a pancake restaurant and steal a car…the police are ALL OVER YOU!

He jumps out of his car and runs to his house.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Here's a question. Feel free not to answer, though to be fair, you never give me a straight answer. If Jack doesn't want to be caught by the police, why does he have his car in plain sight so that the cops looking for him will easily spot? Couldn't he hide it in his garage? Also, if the cops are after him, couldn't he explain that he's in CTU? Couldn't he just explain that he's on a mission to get the world's greatest madman?

Me: Those are very good questions.

Silence.

Editor: Well?

Me: Well what?

Editor: You know what? Never mind. It's like talking to Goofy if he was shot with a whole bunch of tranquillizers…except you're MUCH slower.

**Back to the story**

Jack is running to his house when he stops midway. He sees that his front door is wide open. Jack takes out his script from Chapter 1.

Jack: Nope, it doesn't say that I even locked it. But I know I locked it… oh wait.

_FLASHBACK TO CHAPTER 1, AROUND 8 AM…HERE'S A PART YOU DIDN'T SEE._

Jack and Chloe run out of the house.

Chloe: Oh wait! I forgot something! Start the car!

Jack nods his head and heads to his car. Chloe opens the door when she realizes that what she was looking for is on the ground: her lipstick.

Chloe: There it is! (picks it up) What was I supposed to do?

Jack: COME ON, CHLOE! WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE FOR SCHOOL!

Chloe: Coming!

And with that, Chloe runs to the car…leaving the front door wide open.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Jack: Chloe doesn't even wear lipstick! WHAT THE HELL?

He hears something in his house. He takes out his gun and slowly approaches his own house. Careful not to make a sound, he goes into the house and takes off his shoes…even though THAT alone is going to make some kind of sound. He hears talking in another room.

Voice: So, what are we going to do with you? (silence) We just wait for your father to come and save you. He can save you but he can't save your mind. You're brain dead. Enjoy watching this movie (Jack hears the TV turn on) for the 7th time in a room.

Jack inches closer to where the voice is. He sees someone he hadn't thought he would see so soon again! A madman is laughing, you know, like a villain. Another person looks at him with loving eyes. And he sees his daughter, tied up in a chair, facing the TV, watching what the worst movie of all time is.

Jack: Oh my God. Saddam is in my house!

Saddam: And best of all, no one can stop me. Not even (puts pinky toward his lip) Jack Bauer.

Miko: Tatopolous. (cell phone rings; answers it) Hello. (gets shot through the head)

Jack hangs up the phone, satisfied in what he just did and starts dialing another number. Chloe's split screen comes up beside him as she answers her cell phone.

Chloe: Hello?

Jack: Chloe. I found Saddam. MY house is the last place he said anyone would look.

Chloe: That seems like the stupidest anti climax I've ever heard! As a matter of fact, the cops who are chasing you are bound to go to your place to look for you first!

Jack: I don't care. I need to get my daughter to safety. She's already going through the worst movie for the 7th time!

Chloe: What movie is it?

Jack: (looks at TV quickly, then turns away) Oh God. This is even worse than I thought.

Chloe: What the Hell is it?

Jack: Plan 9 from Outer Space.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (looks at the name of the movie, in horror) Oh no! OH GOD! AAAAAHHHHHHH! (gets up and runs through window) MY GOD! THIS A TALL BUILDING!

Me: I don't think he's coming back.

**Back to the…what's that? The hour's done? Alrighty.**

**11:59:57**

**11:59:58**

**11:59:59**

**12:00:00 AM**

**Next time on 24.**

Jack is talking to Chloe at her house.

Jack: Chloe, I don't know how to put this but…I am your mother.

Chloe: That doesn't explain the huge Adam's apple.

Jack: (looks around) The Bat Signal! Got to go! (runs away)

Next…

Morris and Milo are at a sold out Canadian hockey game. Morris is drinking beer, then he looks at it in disgust.

Milo: What's wrong?

Morris: This beer sucks!

Suddenly, the whole crowd falls dead quiet and stares at Morris, even the hockey players stop playing.

Morris: What?

A hockey player takes off his gloves, climbs the wall between players and the crowd, goes up to Morris and starts to punch Morris. Milo stands up.

Milo: Ref, aren't you going to do something about this?

Referee: I'm going to allow it.

Various people in the crowd go to Morris and start punching him.

Milo: DON'T! PLEASE STOP! HE'S MY ONLY RIDE!

After…

Bill is drinking beer when a bunch of people come out of nowhere and start beating him up.

Bill: BUT I LOVE BEER!

Hockey Player: We need someone to beat up!

Finally…

Saddam and Heath are looking at their hostage.

Saddam: What shall we do with her? We made her go through the worst punishment ever! I know! We'll make her play Sonic Heroes!

Heath shrugs as he takes more pills.

Saddam: I'll get the Game Cube!

That's next on 24.


	17. Chapter 17

DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN ANY 24 CHARACTERS! PLEASE ENJOY OR READ SOMETHING ELSE…preferring Marcen12.

**Previously on 24**

Jack is playing bass guitar with his band at a club. Everyone is watching and they seem to like it. Suddenly, the roof explodes and a person comes through it.

Atel: Jack Bauer! I am Chloe's first evil ex boyfriend!

Everyone looks at Chloe, who is sitting at the upper rows.

Jack: I'm sorry. Who are you?

Atel: I'm the first evil ex! Did you not get my email?

Jack: I may have skimmed it.

Bill shakes his head.

Then…

Morris is praying at the side of his bed when the window explodes! He turns around and sees a man dressed up as a villain.

Green Goblin: FINISH THE PRAYER!

Morris: NO!

Green Goblin: FINISH IT!

Morris: OH! EVIL!

After…

Saddam and Heath are kissing each other.

Saddam: I hope our love, unlike you, will never die.

Heath rolls his eyes and walks away.

Saddam: What? That was a compliment!

Finally…

Milo is at a press conference talking when he suddenly stops.

Milo: I am Iron Man.

News Reporter: We know. You've told us this twice already!

Milo: I'm Batman?

News Reporter: You can't be two heroes at once! That's illegal.

Milo: (gets out a gun and shoots the reporter) Anyone else wants to argue?

_**The following takes place between 12:00 am to 1:00 am**_

**12:00 am**

Jack is outside on his cell phone, planning his next move.

Jack: What do I do?

Chloe's split screen appears next to him.

Chloe: Jack, you have to pull it together.

Jack: But my daughter is watching THE worst movie of ALL TIME! There has to be something I can do!

Chloe: Why didn't you just barge in and shoot out the TV set?

Jack: Are you kidding? That's my TV! Do you know how much that cost me?

Chloe: That money was from us!

Jack: Well, maybe if you guys hadn't left a banana peel in the middle of the floor, I wouldn't have slipped on it, fell on my face and sued you for 4 million dollars!

Chloe: I'm sorry…why do you work for us again?

Jack: Good PR?

Chloe: Oh yeah.

Jack: My daughter is being tortured in there! I don't know what to do! It's a brand new day and already everything is going wrong!

Chloe: You're Jack Bauer! Everything that you say goes!

Jack: But Kim's involved in it this time!

Chloe: That never stopped you before!

_FLASHBACK_

Jack is on a game show with his daughter.

Host: Alright, Kim! I'm going to ask you a question! Jack has the answer on his piece of paper. Let's see if you can get it right! What is the one thing that is important to your life that Jack has?

Kim: My love for him!

Host: Ooooh, I'm sorry! The answer was… (Jack lifts the piece of paper with the answer on it) the antidote.

Kim: Daddy? What are you…? (collapses)

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Jack: I knew she would guess that question wrong and I didn't want to lose any money.

Chloe: The point is you'll kill your daughter to get your daughter back.

Jack: How did you know I had two daughters?

Chloe: You don't have two daughters, you moron.

_MEANWHILE_

A cranky doctor suddenly wakes up and looks around his office. A doctor comes in.

Wilson: Hello, House. You look confused.

House: Someone just used my word.

_OKAY…._

Jack: You know what? You're right! I just got to think of a plan to get her out of my own house! (pause) I got it! Go in, shoot Saddam and get my daughter out!

Chloe: I don't know, Jack. You've made simpler plans than that but you end up screwing them up!

Jack: This isn't a complicated two step program! This is a simpler three step plan! There is no way in Hell that this plan can fail! (hangs up)

Chloe: Did he just hang up without saying goodbye?

Jack is takes out his pistol and slowly goes towards his house. He is about to step into the door when a dozen police cars surround his house. Jack goes towards them.

Jack: Oh, thank God you guys are here! There is a madman here!

A cop comes out of a cop car.

Chief Wiggum: We know! Get down on the ground, please.

Jack: I don't understand.

Wiggum: You've committed a number of crimes in the past hour.

Jack: But there's an evil threat here!

Wiggum: I'm looking at him! You better come with us.

Jack: But…but…

Wiggum: ARREST HIM!

Two cops come out of their cars to arrest him but Jack resists.

Jack: Don't touch me! I'll arrest myself!

Jack takes out handcuffs from one of the officers and proceeds to handcuff himself.

One of the cops is about to escort him into a car when Jack resists.

Jack: I'm Jack Bauer, dammit! I can do this myself.

Jack goes into the car but hits his head on the roof, making him pass out of the back seats.

Wiggum: Alright, boys! Let's move out!

Another cop walks to Wiggum.

Officer Lou: Uhhh, Chief? The man said that someone else was in the house. Shouldn't we go check?

Wiggum: Hey, I don't tell you how to do your job!

Lou: Yes, you do.

Wiggum: I could fire you right now and eat your badge for breakfast…which is really really tasty!

The officers, with Jack in the backseat of one of the cruisers, drive away.

_MEANWHILE_

Saddam looks outside the front window just as the last police car leaves.

Saddam: Honey! I heard a bunch of police sirens come this way!

Heath points to Kim, who has a bag over her head again.

Saddam: We'll deal with her…wait a minute.

He looks at a picture on a coffee table. He picks it up and sees that it is a picture of Jack, smiling with a gun to his head.

Saddam: My goodness. We are in Jack Bauer's house! This is something. And here we thought we picked a house at random like we found this young lady at random.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Hold on…are you telling me that Saddam and Heath were using Jack's place at random and dint even know it was Jack's UNTIL Saddam looked at this picture?

Me: Correct.

Editor: Is this story getting dumber or the characters getting more and more stupid?

Me: Maybe it's just you! I mean…you are still reading this story!

Editor: Did I mention that I get paid to read your steaming pile of house crap?

Me: I get paid more than you.

Editor: After reading this so far, that still haunts my nightmares.

**Back to the story**

Saddam goes to the bagged lady and shakes his head.

Saddam: Well, Heath. This day has gotten more and more weird. I like it!

Heath was about to swallow some pills when Saddam stops him.

Saddam: WAIT! We need to be sober to get through how we will do this. We must make her watch this movie…again and again. Do you know how to loop the movie?

Heath nodded his head as he plays the movie and puts it on repeat. Saddam takes off the bag and makes Kim watch the movie.

Saddam: Groovy, let's go to breakfast while this movie kills this woman slowly.

Heath and Saddam walk out of the house, leaving their hostage to watch the worst movie of all time, slowly rotting her brain.

**12: 11 am**

Morris is working at his desk when Bill comes along.

Bill: So, jackass, why don't you want to work on this case?

Morris: Wait, I didn't know you paid attention to what I said! You were so busy doing your hammy speech!

Bill: I installed cameras in front of everyone's desk. It just so happened that I looked at them while this chapter was beginning.

Morris looks in front of him and sees a huge surveillance camera staring in front of him.

Morris: Strange, why didn't I notice this before?

Bill: Now, tell me why you don't want to work here?

Morris: It's because this case has become reckless. It's because of that reason that it's become apparent that this has become boring and repetitive.

Bill: Boring, huh?

Morris: Well, think about it! It always has something small and minor and then it becomes big and important. During this time, someone that is close to us is kidnapped and Jack goes to the ends of the earth to get them back!

Bill: Well, you could always explore your options, if CTU isn't exciting enough for you.

Morris: I just want to see what is out there…for me.

Bill: Well, just wait a minute. I want you to think about it. I'll send you outside to the lake to go fishing. Whenever I'm in a predicament, I always go fishing to set my priorities straight. Here, I'll bring Milo along with you. You both need it.

_MOMENTS LATER_

Milo and Morris are at a river on a boat, quietly fishing. Bill is watching both of them in his car. Suddenly, there is a gunshot heard and then a splash. As Bill blinks, he sees that Milo is the only one on the boat, quietly fishing. Bill nods his head and drives away.

…

Morris wakes up from his dream. He looks around his desk, in a cold sweat. Bill appears next to him, out of nowhere, freaking him out.

Bill: So, jackass, why don't you want to work on this case?

Morris: I DO! I DO! I didn't know what I was saying! Just don't make me go fishing!

Bill: (confused) Fishing? We can't afford to go fishing. This is CTU!

Morris: Why can't we afford fishing when we can afford loads of guns that haven't been properly tested by the government, therefore, no one in public has ever heard of them?

Bill: A tight budget?

Morris: You told me we get those weapons for free!

Bill: Huh, doesn't sound like I would tell anyone that.

Morris: I have my ways.

_FLASHBACK_

Morris sneaks into Bill's house and then into his room. He looks around the room and finds it: Bill's diary. Morris opens it and starts reading.

Morris: Dear Diary, Jack finally looked at me today! I didn't know what to say. He is so cute! I hope tomorrow he would actually talk to me or vice versa! He is so cute! Please, let him ask me to the Prom! I have to go! Saddam isn't going to catch himself!

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Bill is looking at the flashback in his script.

Bill: Did you make this up?

Morris: No, Sir!

Bill: Because the flashback is written in black marker but everything else is printed.

Morris: I don't know how that happens. (shoves black marker down into back pocket) Maybe you're just being paranoid.

Bill: I guess. However, if anyone happens to read my diary, the world really will end…for the person who reads it. Good day to you. (walks away)

Morris: Oh God! (takes out Bill's diary out of his desk and hides it under his shirt) Got to put this back.

Bill: (comes back) Oh, one more thing… (looks at Morris's stomach) What have we got here?

Morris: Umm, I pregnant! I'm going into labor!

Bill: Well, go! That baby isn't going to come out itself!

Morris runs away as Bill goes to Chloe's desk.

Bill: Chloe. We should get a congratulations card to Bill.

Chloe: For what?

Bill: He's going into labor!

Chloe: For the 35th time, men can't get pregnant, Bill.

Bill: I can still try!

Chloe is about to say something but her phone rings.

Chloe: CTU? How may I take your order? (slaps her forehead) How may we help you? (pause) Okay, thank you. (hangs up)

Bill: Let me guess…Jack got arrested?

Chloe: Yep. This is more predictable than…I got nothing.

Bill: This is more predictable than a groundhog coming out to the world on February 2.

Chloe: That's true.

Bill: I meant coming out to the world, not looking outside its hole to the world.

Chloe: Wow. A gay joke. I thought we were better than that.

Bill: I am! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get Jack out of this situation.

**12: 19 am**

Jack is sitting at a table in a familiar room: an interrogation room. He looks around before a door opens. A man in a black suit with black sunglasses comes in and sits with him, dropping a folder on the table.

Agent Smith: We know about the Saddam case. We know you want to get him for the most heinous crime the world has ever known: stealing the late President's cookies. So, we need you to help us.

Jack: I'm not going to do crap for you commies.

Smith: We are not commies, Mr. Bauer.

Jack: Then why are you dressed up like the people at Fox Studios?

Smith: I see that you're not taking us seriously. I'll ask you again, help us or suffer the consequences.

Jack: How about if I give you the finger (gives the Agent the middle finger) and you give me my phone call?

Smith: Mr. Bauer. What is the point of a phone call if you're unable to speak?

Jack is about to say something but he begins to choke. A few seconds later, Jack's mouth is no longer on his face. He gets up, surprised by this. Two people, other Agents, come along and surround him. They both grab his arms and set him on the table. Smith takes out something out of his pocket…and it's moving! Jack sees it's a bug as he screams silently. Smith takes off Jack's shirt as he slips the bug into his belly button.

Jack wakes up…in the same interrogation room. The door opens as Jack gets out his gun and aims at the officer with it.

Wiggum: I knew we forgot to take away your gun!

Jack: Officer! You have to let me go! There is a terrorist and his boyfriend at my house making my daughter watch the worst movie of all time after their plan to take over the world failed.

Wiggum: Really? And I'm Morgan Freeman.

Jack: Look, you'll have to trust me! This is real!

Wiggum: We arrested you for endangering an entire city! Terrorism can wait.

Jack: What if you had someone you loved being caught and brainwashed by terrorists?

Wiggum: I have a son and the only danger he gets himself into is watching Fox News.

Jack: (pulls out his gun) I'm warning you, Officer! Let me go.

Wiggum: Nice try! I'm part of the law! And… (reaches for his gun but…) that's my gun, isn't it?

Jack: Yep.

Wiggum: So what? It's only a taser gun. I've shot my tongue with that thing. Nothing can hurt me!

Jack shoots the gun at Wiggum's ear, making the officer scream.

Wiggum: Officer down! Officer down! (falls to the ground)

Jack runs out of the room and out of the police station. He goes to a police car and hotwires it, driving away to his house.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: That was a bit of a letdown. Jack just tasers a police officer and runs out of a police station without any problem?

Me: Do you want this story to end as quickly as possible?

Editor: Of course but…

Bison: (turns around) Of cou…

Editor: SHUT UP! I want that to happen but I want things to make sense. For example, ever since Cheney died and Saddam ran away, there has been no President elected again. The whole world has literally gone without a President for most of this story.

Me: Leave the plot holes to people who care!

Editor: BUT I'M THE EDITOR! I HAVE TO CARE!

Me: You're just one of the 20 people who would read this, no matter what the hits say.

**Back to the story**

Jack is driving a police car around town.

Jack: Alright, Jack. What should you do if Saddam is at your house? Kill him, congratulate him or make him dinner? I could do all three and have him arrested. Yes…congratulate him while I make him dinner. During that time, I'll kill him and the police will show out of nowhere and arrest him. That plan is so stupid it just might work.

His cell phone rings. He answers it.

Jack: Hello?

Bill: Jack, it's me.

Jack: Mother?

Bill: It's Bill, you moron!

_MEANWHILE_

During a surgery, a doctor looks up, pissed.

Cuddy: What is it now?

House: Some A-Hole is making a monkey out of my word.

_BACK TO JACK AND BILL_

Jack: Oh hi Bill! What's up?

Bill: What's up? You got arrested! Now I have to tie all these strings together and have them release you. It's going to take about six hours so…wait a minute. I thought when they arrest you, they take your cell phone.

Jack: Uh huh.

Bill: Did they get you out of jail?

Jack: I am out of jail.

Bill: YOU ESCAPED!

Jack: Yep! All I had to do was taser an officer and run out of there.

Bill: Oh, that's perfect. You are so going to be hunted down by the FBI!

Jack: Bill! A terrorist has my daughter! What would you do if you were in this situation?

Bill: Wait for the cops, not put innocent people in any sort of danger to save one life, NOT getting the cops on their bad side.

Jack: You're just naming all the disadvantages of saving one person.

Bill: Jack, you are going back to jail!

Jack: I gave them a good reason!

Bill: After the drinking incident, I'm pretty sure they have a hard enough time believing who you are.

Jack: I'M JACK F***ING BAUER, DAMMIT! I OWN THE WORLD! PHYSICS CAN'T HOLD ME DOWN LIKE IT'S THE MAN!

Before Jack says anymore, his car crashes into traffic and he flies through the windshield, making him fly into the ground, bleeding furiously.

Jack: I'm Jack Bauer…I can suck up all of my blood back into my body by saying the magic words…I believe in Jack Bauer. I believe in Jack Bauer…

Cars behind the car wreck are honking their horns.

Driver: WALK IT OFF! JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE LOSING BLOOD AND POSSIBLY DYING DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T MOVE YOU CAR OUT OF MY WAY! Some people are so inconsiderate.

Kid: Daddy? Can we go get ice cream?

Driver: SCREW THE ICE CREAM!

Another driver beside him looks into the car.

Woman: Sir, stop shouting! You're scaring your little girl.

Driver: SCARING THE LITTLE GIRL! SCARING THE LITTLE GIRL? LADY! I'M TRYING TO GET TO AN IMPORTANT MEETING BY NINE O'CLOCK AND YOU THINK I'M SCARING THE LITTLE GIRL!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: MY WIDE ANGLE LENS IS ABOUT TO BURST!

Me: Aren't you going to ask me what the point was about the drivers talking to each other?

Editor: It has as much sense as this whole story altogether.

**Back to the story**

Jack Bauer is still on the ground, bleeding horribly.

Jack: I believe in Jack Bauer…I believe in Jack Bauer.

**12: 25 am**

Saddam and Heath go up to a Chinese restaurant drive-thru. They go to a destroyed box.

Box: May I take your order?

Saddam: Yes, I'd like to order two bowls of the rice. (turns to Heath) Do you want rice too? (Heath nods) Make it three bowls of rice.

Box: And then?

Saddam: I'd like two bottles of hot sauce for the rice!

Box: And then?

Saddam: Two cans of Pepsi.

Box: And then?

Saddam: (thinks for a moment) Oh! And some fortune cookies!

Box: And then?

Saddam: Ummm, that's it.

Box: And then?

Saddam: (looks at Heath and laughs) And then, you put all of that in a big brown paper bag and I'll drive up and get it because we're ready to eat!

Box: And then?

Saddam: No, that's it! We'll just have the rice, the hot sauce… (Heath taps his shoulder) and the Pepsi and the fortune cookies and that's it!

Box: (groans) And then?

Saddam: (angry) YOU KNOW! I'M NOT GOING TO PLAY GAMES WITH YOU SWEETHEART! It's because of my people that you lost the war!

Box: And then?

Saddam: You know what! I hope something bad happens to your… (pauses, goes back into his car and pulls a switch)

**JOKE ABORTED**

Saddam: Alright! (pulls out gun) I'LL COME IN THERE AND I'LL GET MY ORDER MYSELF! (drives around)

Box: And then?

**At the editor's story**

Editor: Did I just re-read the first chapter! MY GOD! YOU'RE RECYCLING JOKES! OH SWEET BUTTERY JESUS!

Me: You like?

Editor: (pulls out a gun) You wish.

Me: Oh, your name is You wish? (holds out a hand) Nice to know your name, You wish!

Editor: (shoots the gun at the ceiling) Let's get back to this crap you call a story.

**Back to the story**

Saddam gets out of the car, goes into the restaurant, goes to the counter and pulls out a gun.

Cashier: OH MY GOD! Saddam! I haven't seen you since we invaded those idiots in Canada!

Saddam: Yes, yes. It's very nice to meet you, Mike. Listen, I have a problem. Some jackass won't give me my order at the drive-thru and I was wondering…can I kill him?

Mike: Sorry, dude. There's a policy now. No killing of an employee. Apparently, we kill too many of them over the last couple of months.

Saddam: Can't I kill whoever's doing drive-thru duties just a little? You know… I could take them to my hideout and make them watch Cool As Ice.

Mike: I'm sorry but my boss will kill me!

Saddam: He wouldn't have to know. I could just stuff his corpse into the furnace and you could put him into your food. Just like that movie with the barbershop guy killing people while a lady below him is using their corpses to make into food that everyone else eats. I think it was called Barney the Dinosaur.

Mike: Those jokes are getting really old.

Saddam: I need to kill that employee RIGHT NOW!

Mike: How about I give you a free order? (looks at watch) Oh sorry, brother. I'm on my break. I'll get Sandra to take your order. Sandra! Will you come to take this young man's order?

A young lady comes to the cashier when Mike leaves.

Sandra: Can I take your order?

Saddam: Yes, can I have three bowls of rice, two bottles of hot sauce, two cans of Pepsi and a couple of fortune cookies.

Sandra: And then?

Saddam: IT'S YOU!

Sandra: And then?

Saddam: AAAHHHHH! (puts the gun in her face and shoots)

Mike comes along to see the commotion. He realizes that Sandra is dead and looks at Saddam.

Mike: WTF? Why would you do that?

Saddam: You saw it! She came at me with a rocket launcher!

Mike: Today was her first day here and she had just two days left until retirement. How am I going to tell her parents?

Saddam: Kill them too.

Mike: GET OUT OF MY STORE! At least the man who shot up my drive-thru box didn't kill anyone…that matters.

Saddam: Fine, I'll go. But just remember. There's a Burger King across the street. Me and my boyfriend are going to eat there instead. (leaves the store)

Mike: (talks to himself) Don't worry, Mike. He's just bluffing. He knows that there's a McDonalds nearby.

**12:34 am**

Chloe is playing Scrabble on her computer when Bill turns off her monitor.

Chloe: What the Hell? I was kicking some numbskull from Canada in that game.

Bill: It's not like I unplugged it. Anyway, Jack escaped from custody.

Chloe: Son of a bitch. Will he learn that he's not above the law?

Bill: He's not the law. (puts on sunglasses) He is the law. (walks away)

Chloe: BILL! Don't be an idiot.

Bill: (takes off sunglasses) Alright. I'll just be Bill instead of a guy that has no personality whatsoever.

Chloe: Jack isn't the law if he gets caught by the cops! Where is he now?

Bill: I don't know! I talked to him on the phone a few minutes ago. Last thing I hear is a crash and some bones being crushed.

Chloe: Sounds like the Friday Night Lineup on Fox.

Bill: I haven't heard from him for a few minutes. I'm worried.

Chloe: Why are you worried? He has to get back the person he loves away from the person he despises.

Bill: But he hasn't called in a few minutes. He didn't even say goodbye! Did he say anything about me? Was it about that time in Mexico? He came on to me!

Chloe: Talk to Bill about this. Guys usually talk girl to each other.

Bill: Aren't you a girl?

Chloe: Just talk to Morris.

Bill nods his head as he turns around to see Morris standing behind him.

Morris: I here you have a problem with Jack.

Bill: It's not here, it's hear.

Morris: Whatever. So, Jack not taking your calls?

Bill: (sobs) It's like he doesn't want to know me at all. I bet he doesn't know I exist anymore.

Morris: I know that someone would like a makeover.

Bill: Who is this someone? Is it Milo? Lord knows he needs to fix his face.

Milo: Standing right here.

Bill: Then why didn't the narrator introduce you beside Morris.

Milo: Because I'm invisible.

Bill: Yeah, that's great but… (looks around) Where the Hell did he go?

Morris: As I saying, YOU need a makeover.

Bill: Me? But I'm the prettiest woman here!

Morris: Oh please, sister! You're as pretty as Larry King's corpse.

Bill: But Larry King's not…

Morris: He's not dead YET! But one prayer to God and he'll be as dead as Val Kilmer's acting career.

Bill: That's all fine and good but… (lips quiver) WHAT ABOUT JACK?

**Jack will live.**

Bill raises his hands and screams in delight as he hears this.

Morris: What the Hell was that?

Bill: Jack is going to live!

Morris: But that wasn't what we were talking about. What we were talking about was whether Jack loves you or not.

Bill: Wait a minute….dance time.

Suddenly, the song, _We Like To Party, _is playing and Bill pulls off some disco moves and some other styles of dancing that Richard Simmons himself would be embarrassed to go along with. Meanwhile, Morris is standing there, awkward as he looks at Bill dancing to no music…apparently, the music is all in Bill's head.

Morris: Alright. Time to give you that makeover. (takes Bill's arm)

Bill: Don't you get it! You see the hat? I am Mrs. Nesbitt! HOO HAA HA HA HA LOLZ!

Morris: OH SNAP OUT OF IT!

Bill continues to laugh as Morris takes off one of Bill's arms, slaps it across his face, stopping Bill from laughing as Morris puts his arm back in.

Bill: Mother never loved me.

Morris: You told me you never had a mom.

Bill: JACK IS MY MOM!

Milo: (comes out of nowhere) WHAT? OH MY! (pulls out a handkerchief, puts it against his forehead and proceeds it faint)

Morris: That's just stupid.

Bill: Stupid? Or the biggest twist ever?

Morris: The biggest stupidest twist ever.

Bill: You don't know drama.

Morris: FOCUS! We need to give you a makeover!

Bill: I don't need a makeover! Everyone likes me the way I am. (turns to Chloe) Isn't that right, Chloe?

Chloe is about to say something but she looks at Bill's face.

Chloe: AAAHHHH! (gets out a can of gasoline, pours it all over herself, sets herself on fire with a match and runs through a window)

Bill: See, she loves me the way I am.

Morris: I'd say you're the biggest idiot here but we got Milo here. (kicks a passed out Milo)

Bill: I'll show you that Jack Bauer cares about me! I'll show all of you! LAWLS! LAWLS! LOLZ!

Morris: Wow! You're like a poet.

Bill: Naw. I just know what I like.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Did I REALLY just read someone say that?

Me: Yep. Am I hip or what?

Editor: Oh, you're hip alright. You'll need a new one after this chapter is done.

Me: Groovy.

Editor: (gets out a gun and shoots) Sleep needle. Have a good night.

Me: You…bastard… (passes out)

**Back to the story**

Morris: That's hip, I guess.

Bill: Is that what the kids are saying these days? Hip? Get jiggy with it? It's going down?

Morris: Please stop. You're too white to be talking like this.

Bill: But I'm a black guy in a white man's body.

Morris: No, you're a white guy in a white guy's body trying to be black but ending up for whiter than you already are.

Bill: But maybe I'm a white guy in a black guy's body who ended up changing to a whiter color so that means he's black when really he's black in a white body mixed in with…

**THE STORY EXPLODES**

Editor: (drops the script which is on fire) What the Hell?

Me: (passes Editor another script) Sorry. The script got a little too smart for its own good.

Editor: More like a little bit too stupid.

**Back to the story**

Milo runs to Morris and Bill.

Milo: Guys, there's something on TV that you've got to see.

Bill: Is Barney finally getting cancelled?

Milo: No. Come to my desk.

**At Milo's desk**

The guys are sitting at Milo's computer. Why he said TV instead of computer is completely not explained…okay, Milo is an idiot. The guys see on the monitor that there is a traffic jam. What is causing it is a person's own body lying face down on the ground, blocking everyone, bleeding.

Morris: Why is that person blocking traffic? Is he drunk?

Milo: Guys! It's Jack! He's gotten into a serious car accident. I don't think he survived. The reports say that he was talking on his cell phone when he crashed his car.

Morris: But Jack is the law. He knows that he's not supposed to use his phone to call anyone when he's driving.

Milo: Some idiot must have called him and Jack picked up.

Bill: (gulps) Maybe this certain idiot didn't know better? Maybe he wanted to know if Jack was okay.

Morris: We need Jack to solve this case. We all know that we're too scared to go out there to fight crime.

Milo: What happens if Jack doesn't make it?

Morris: Then God help us all.

Bill: How clichéd.

**12: 41 am**

Jack is lying down, causing traffic jams, everywhere. There is a small murmur underneath him.

Jack: I believe in Jack Bauer…I believe in Jack Bauer.

Jack slowly starts to get up, his blood being sucked back in his body.

Jack: I believe in Jack Bauer. I believe.

He stands up, with his fists on his sides, and all of his scars disappear.

Jack: Jack Bauer…IS ALIVE! (jumps up in the air and…freeze frame)

**THE END…**

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Oh thank God. I don't think I could take anymore of this.

**JUST KIDDING!**

Editor: Awww, f-

**Back to the story**

Jack falls on his feet and looks around. He sees huge traffic jams everywhere and he has to get back to his house quickly. A reporter blocks him before he moves.

Reporter: Walter Cronkite. Fox News.

Jack: But aren't you…

Walter: How did you survive that horrible crash?

Jack: Willpower. Because I am Willpower. Now if you will excuse me, I have a country to save!

And with that, our hero runs away…pulls a driver out of his car and Jack drives off with it, bumping into several cars in the process.

Walter: And there you have it. A man with the power of a giant but a brain the size of a pea is going to save our country from evil. That is the way the cookie crumbles, folks. That is the way it is.

Meanwhile, Jack is driving the car when his cell phone rings.

Jack: (picks up) Hello?

Bill: Jack! What the Hell are you doing? You're on the news!

Jack: OH NO! I'm not talking to you while I'm driving! Last time that happened, I crashed and almost died.

Bill: But you stole another person's car! Do you really want to get arrested AGAIN!

Jack: Bill, I have to go to my house and save the world!

Bill: Doesn't Saddam have your daughter? And didn't you already save the world from him?

Jack: Oh yeah. I forgot about my daughter. Yeah, I guess I'll have to save her too…and my gun is in the ruined car. Maybe I could go back for…

Suddenly, there is an explosion behind Jack. He looks behind him to see that his other car has exploded.

Jack: Forget it! What can I use to defend myself from Saddam?

He looks around the car and finds an object on the backseat.

Jack: Groovy. Bill, I'll have to call you back.

Bill: Nobody hangs up on Bill!

Jack: Bye. (hangs up) It's show time.

**12:45 am**

Bill is yelling in his cell phone.

Bill: JACK! JACK! Dammit.

Chloe: What's going on? Why are you yelling into a toy phone?

Bill: (checks the phone) I always get real phones and toy phones confused.

Chloe: Uh huh. So, what's the deal?

Bill: I called Jack! He stole another person's car and he's headed back to Saddam!

Chloe: He's going to get arrested or killed.

Bill: That's what I said to him!

Chloe: No you didn't.

Bill: No I didn't. But he won't back down until he gets Saddam!

Chloe: Even if that means risking his life AGAIN?

Morris comes up to Bill and Chloe.

Morris: Did you hear what happened?

Chloe: Yeah, Jack is alive, stole another car and is now chasing after Saddam.

Bill: That sounds a lot stupider when it comes out of your mouth.

Morris: NO! NOT THAT NEWS! I just saved a lot more money by switching to Geico.

Bill: (gets out a gun and shoots Morris) That joke has been done to death in the Marcen12 stories.

Chloe: Bill! You just shot Morris!

Bill: Relax, I only shot him in the testicles!

Chloe: But Morris doesn't HAVE testicles.

Bill: Are you telling me that Morris is…

Morris: (gets up) A woman!

Bill: Whaaaaaaaa….

Morris: No, you didn't shoot me! You're just a lousy shot at shooting blanks.

Chloe: That's all fine and good but what about Jack?

Bill: He's screwed. He's the living embodiment of what danger is. He doesn't think. He just does.

Morris: So, do you think that Saddam is going to be at the same place that Jack found him in?

Bill: A madman like Saddam? He's not going to be that stupid.

Chloe: His boyfriend is a person who died years ago.

Morris: But they're both so cute together! I hope they get married!

Bill: Jack better have a better plan other than just barging in to the place.

Chloe: We ARE talking about Jack Bauer, right? The same guy whose definition of subtlety is driving a bulldozer into a bank?

Morris: In my defense, it was after he was on a date and I told him that they both have to be very very drunk.

Chloe: Did Jack say anything else to you before he hung up?

Bill: We said that he needed something to defend himself. Then he said groovy.

Chloe: Ewww.

Bill: So that one word summed up that whole conversation.

Morris: He probably found the most amazing thing to fight off Saddam.

Chloe: I can't help but feel that this is going to be the worst climax in the history of the world.

**12:53 am**

There are split screens. The CTU gang is trying to find Jack on the TV…for some reason. Jack is driving around to where Saddam has hidden…his house.

Saddam and Heath are back in Jack's house.

Saddam: Sorry about losing my temper at the Chinese restaurant but at least it was only one week that I'm not allowed to order from there…this time.

The two men go up to the young lady, tied up, still watching the movie.

Saddam: Good evening, young lady. And how are you enjoying the movie, so far? It's good, no? A HA HA HA HA! What a funny story, Mark. Allow me to torture you some more by putting the movie in slower motion. (gets the remote and looks at it) Heath, baby, how do you put the movie in slow motion.

Heath has his back turned, pretending not to listen to his boyfriend.

Saddam: Oh, come on, sweetie! (hugs him) Don't do this to me, baby. You know that I've done stupider things than get banned from an overrated restaurant.

_FLASHBACK_

Saddam and Heath leave a Blockbuster video store. Heath is leaving, angry. Saddam tries to catch up to him, covered in blood.

Saddam: I gave him a warning! If he didn't take our coupon for a free movie, I'd make him watch Fox News! It wasn't my fault that he would rather shoot himself than watch it.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Heath is still not talking to his boyfriend. Saddam puts his arms around him.

Saddam: Listen, honey. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you. I've done everything for you. I'd do anything for you. Anything. (Heath blushes) There we go. (Heath takes the remote from Saddam and presses the slow motion button on the movie) Huh, should've seen that button earlier.

Heath grabs his boyfriend's hand and kisses him on the cheek.

Saddam: Let's find a bedroom.

Heath blushes as Saddam leads him up to another room where…

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: NOOO! NO! NO! WHOA! This is not that kind of story! What the Hell are you doing?

Me: I wanted to reach out to the gay community.

Editor: This is supposed to be an action based script! And while we're at it…why are a dead terrorist and a dead actor together as a couple?

Me: Bebe's Kids.

Editor: I'm going to have to Google what that means. (flips through script) Holy Hell. There are fourteen pages of this..OH GOD! You even drew PICTURES OF THEM DOING IT?

Me: I have a vivid imagination.

Editor: (reaches to a page) Finally. It's over.

**Back to the story**

Saddam and Heath are on a couch, taking a breath at a time, both of them naked. Heath's head is on his boyfriend's shoulder, his face blushing.

Saddam: Looks like I made it up to you.

Heath blushed. Saddam is about to say something else but there is a noise outside. Saddam looks out a window and sees what it is.

Saddam: Looks like someone wants to get…funky.

D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D!

Outside, the noise is revealed to be Jack Bauer playing a bass guitar he found in the car. He plays the same notes. Saddam comes outside of the house, floating, and is carrying his own bass guitar. He lands in front of Jack. Saddam suddenly plays his bass guitar, louder and more meaner. Jack then plays his louder and faster. Saddam plays it even more faster, there is wind picking up speed as he plays. Furiously, Jack plays even more faster. Saddam then plays his bass guitar slicker, meaner, faster. It is so fast in fact that Jack can't play anymore. As Saddam finishes his bass solo, the bass guitar becomes so loud, the noise pushes Jack into another house, crashing him through several walls, landing on a floor, passing out with a black nerd in front of him.

Urkel: Did I do that?

Saddam nods his head as he goes back into the house. Jack is passed out…not dead, though. Just passed out.

**12:59:57**

**12:59:58**

**12:59:59**

**1:00:00**

Editor: That was the worst chapter I have ever read.

Me: Thank you. The readers of this will certainly say the same.

**Stay tuned for more 24 next week…or Tuesday.**

Jack: Hi, there. We here at 24 have a lot of fun on this show…

Chloe: …but you can make this show better….

Morris: …by helping us more to a better channel…

Milo: …Fox is going bankrupt due to cancelling too many good shows…

Saddam: …and they spend $4 million trying to get them cancelled as quickly as possible.

Bill: So please, with your help…

Milo: …we can move to CBS…

Morris: …or Global.

Chloe: It's not that we're going to get cancelled…

Jack: …it's just that the Fox network sucks balls.

Saddam: With your help….

Bill: …we can destroy Fox…

Milo: …and achieve world peace.

Morris: Because if anyone supports the Fox Company…

Chloe: …is a terrorist.

Jack: And here at CTU, we are here to exterminate terrorist.

**NOTE: This commercial is for satirical purposes only….except for the Fox Network.**


	18. Chapter 18

DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN ANY 24 CHARACTERS! PLEASE ENJOY OR READ SOMETHING ELSE…preferring Marcen12.

**Previously on 24**

Jack is on Wheel of Fortune.

Tom: Alright, Jack! It's time for the final round! Are you ready?

Jack: Yes.

Tom: The clue is "People Who Annoy You". Now, you've picked G, G, a Batman signal, R and an S. You picked E as a vowel. So here's the puzzle.

A woman at the puzzle, which is N_. She uses Jack's clues to put on the puzzle. The result. N_GGERS.

The crowd goes silent.

Tom: Remember you get $4 million dollars for this.

Jack: If this is for $4 million dollars. I'll solve the puzzle….

_IN A HOSPITAL_

Jack is in a hospital bed, in a full body cast, Chloe is beside him.

Jack: Did we win the money?

Chloe: You got beat up after you said **THE WORD**, you've lost respect from all the African-Americans in the whole world AND you got beat up by them the minute you walked out of the studio. How do you think it went?

Jack: So I did win! I'm a champ!

Then…

Bill is in a stadium, fighting a bunch of gladiators. After defeating all of them, the crowd cheers.

Bill: Are you not entertained?

A strange man comes up beside him with a water bottle.

Tommy Wisseau: I was naht entertained. I was naht. That was bewlshit. I was naht entertained! (throws water bottle on the ground) I was naht! (looks at Bill) Oh hi Bill.

Bill: Yo gabber gabby! What's up my homeboy?

Tommy: A HA HA HA! What a funny story, Bill!

Bill: Speaking of funny, your face…

After…

Morris and Milo are at the Wheel of Fortune game with Jack. They're in the crowd.

Morris: Jack always does something stupid at these things.

Milo: He's solving the puzzle. There's no way he could screw this up.

They both look at the puzzle he has to solve.

Both: Uh oh.

Morris: Let's just get out of here.

Milo: Yes, there are a lot of black people here.

Morris: Yeah, some of them have guns.

Finally…

Saddam is on a game show called "Who Can Overact the Most with their Mouths Open the Widest?" with Jim Carrey.

Host: The final round of this game comes down to Saddam and Jim Carrey. Let's get started!

Jim: (pulls Saddam by the shirt) THE TIME IS 7:45! WE NEED TO GET THERE NOW!

Host: WOW! Jim's mouth is seven centimeters! Saddam has to REALLY overact to get to this point!

Saddam: (pulls Jim's shirt) YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD I'M TRYING, FATHER! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND!

Host: AMAZING! Saddam's mouth is TWELVE CENTIMETERS! You can drive a whole truck in there! Congrats, Saddam! You get to be in a movie called Hot Shots part Deux. Jim, since you came in second, you get to be in an unknown movie called The Truman Show!

Saddam: HA HA! I'm going to be a bigger star than you'll be Jim! I'll get all the awards!

Host: WOW! Saddam mouth is 18 centimeters! You get the Double Whammy prize, which includes being in a Christopher Walken movie!

Saddam: SWEET! Wait until I tell my boyfriend! (cell phone rings, answers it) Hello? Oh hi Heath! Jack is in the hospital after being on a game show? (hangs up and pulls out gun) This day keeps getting better and better!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: I don't want to read this crap anymore. It's horrible! It's like God put me on this Earth to make me kill myself!

Me: I thought you were an atheist.

Editor: Yes but you and your stupid story made me believe in God…in the worst way possible.

Me: That's the spirit.

Editor: I've tried to kill you…why won't you die?

Me: I'll tell you why I won't die…but I can't say it to your face. (leaves)

Editor: Dumbass. (his phone rings, answers it) Hello?

Me: Editor. Shame on you for criticizing my story.

Editor: Sorry but I don't think it's very good. I mean, who would read this crap?

Me: Now, I hear that you want to know why I won't die.

Editor: Yes. By all means, do!

Me: Are you listening?

Editor: Yes?

Me: Are you listening?

Editor: Yes?

Me: Are you listening?

Editor: Yes?

Me: Good…bicycles.

Editor: Bicycles?

Me: Bicycles…goodbye. (Hangs up)

Editor: Biggest. Idiot. Ever. One more question: Why are we showing this on a Friday even though it said last week see you on Monday or Tuesday?

Me: Because Monday or Tueday isn't going to work out. I'll be busy promoting Harrison Laine's movie reviews on YouTube.

Editor: That is the most shameful plug in I've ever heard.

_**The following takes place between 1:00 am to 2:00 am**_

**1:00 am**

Bill is on his cell phone, trying to call Jack.

Bill: Come on, Jack! You have to pick up!

Chloe: Bill, you're using the candy ball phone again.

Bill: DAMN IT! THIS IS NO TIME TO PANIC! (runs around in a circle, screaming) WE MUST STAY CALM! GABBA! GABBA! GABBA! GABBA! (goes into the fetal position)

Morris comes up beside Chloe and sees the fiasco with Bill.

Morris: Wow. It's barely morning and Bill is already in the middle of a breakdown. He makes Britney Spears look civilized….and SHE'S already civilized. Bill is making Lindsey Lohan look normal.

Chloe: He's furious because he can't call Jack on his candy phone.

Morris: Damn those Mattel companies. They still can't make the perfect cell phones. Hey, they're better than Apple.

_MEANWHILE_

A man suddenly wakes up.

Steve Jobs: Why do I feel like I got burned! IDEA! I'll make a newer phone even though the latest one came out two days ago! I have to call Bill Gates on this one!

_BACK TO REALITY…OH, THERE GOES GRAVITY!_

Milo comes up to Morris and Chloe, who are witnessing Bill in the middle of a breakdown.

Milo: Well, Morris. I said that Bill couldn't last this long.

Morris: Fine. (gives Milo $60)

Chloe: You guys bet on how long it would take Bill to snap?

Milo: That and the fact that Bill would use a candy phone to call Jack…obviously, it's not going to work.

Morris: Speaking of Jack, the police are looking for him right now!

Chloe: Where is the first place they're going to look?

Milo: It's not like they're going to come look for Jack here!

Suddenly, the front door rings.

Morris is about to go answer it but Milo pulls him back.

Milo: It's a trap.

Morris: But they rang the doorbell. Obviously, they're going to be polite to us.

_MOMENTS LATER_

The survivors at CTU are tied up in chairs. A lone man walks around them.

Curtis: I'm finally going to get my revenge for the time Jack shot me.

Chloe: Yes, about that….didn't you die when that happened?

Curtis: I made a deal with Saddam. He'd get rid of Jack and his daughter for me while I destroyed everyone at CTU.

Morris: What has CTU ever done anything bad to you?

Curtis: Other than hire Jack Bauer…nothing. It's just good PR when I go back to Hell.

Milo: I'm sorry but you were in Hell?

Curtis: The day before I was killed, I watched Showgirls.

Everyone at CTU groaned.

Milo: In other words, you watched a terrible cult film but you didn't even ask for forgiveness.

Curtis: It had that girl from Saved by the Bell, I thought nothing could go wrong!

Chloe: And that's why you're helping Saddam get revenge? Because you watched a bad movie, went to Hell, decides you wanted revenge, got Saddam's help and tied us up in chairs? Why did it take you so long?

Curtis: I'm as indecisive as John Kerry.

Chloe: Wow. That joke is so dated…like Kerry himself.

Curtis: And I'm going to go back to Hell for it.

Milo: Question: Why isn't Bill tied up?

Everyone looks at Bill, who is still on the ground, talking to himself and is still in the fetal position.

Curtis: I don't think this man is stable enough to do anything wrong. In fact, I don't think he's stable enough to do ANYTHING. We're talking about the same guy who nearly bankrupt CTU by getting a stick of gum.

Chloe: I know it looks bad now but we all had a good laugh when Bill spent $40 million dollars on that one thing but that doesn't mean he unstable….maybe, you're right.

Morris: Chloe? What are you saying?

Chloe: I'm saying Curtis has a point about Bill. How he became the head of CTU is beyond God Himself.

Milo: Curtis, why did you come here after one in the morning?

Curtis: Because Saddam wanted me to show you guys something that no one else can get to. (takes out a wand and waves it around) Bibbity Bobbity Boo! (a TV set appears in front of them)

**At the editor's desk**

Editor puts down the script and looks out the window.

Me: Is this about the copyright issue with those magical words? Those are clearly for satirical purposes.

Editor: I'm just looking at the sky. I want to know if this story has jumped the shark so high, I expect it to be in orbit.

**Back to the story**

Morris: What's with the TV set? Are we going to make us watch something terrible…like Late Night with Jimmy Fallon?

Curtis: Morris, you and I both know that Jay Leno is worse than Fallon. No, I'm going to make you guys see what's happening to Jack.

Curtis turns on the TV and finds that there is static on the channel it is on.

Milo: It's supposed to be on channel 3.

Curtis: Ah, yes. (changes channel) Here we go!

CTU watches the set as they see Jack passed out in someone's house.

Morris: So what? That happens to Jack on Thursday nights.

Curtis: But did you know what he did to get there?

Chloe: Oh sweet God! Did he do a bass battle?

Curtis: Correct.

Chloe: I kept telling him that he can't play! He's like Sid Vicious!

Curtis: Don't worry. Saddam will know just what to do with Mr. Bauer.

**1: 09 am**

Saddam is pacing back and forth in the house.

Saddam: What do I do with Mr. Bauer? I didn't fully plan him coming here to rescue his daughter! What should we do?

He puts his hands in his pockets and feels something in one of them. He takes one of the objects out, which turns out to be a piece of paper and finds the solution to their problem.

Saddam: I have the solution to our problem! (runs to Heath) Pack the girl! We're going to blow this joint!

Heath stops the movie and the men pick tie Kim by her wrists and put back the bag over her head.

Saddam: Get ready to move on, Heath! (takes out cell phone, calls with it) Hello? Is this The Mover? Yes, hi! Long time no see! I haven't talked to you since the "disappearance" of Jimmy Hoffa. Yeah! It's been decades and they still haven't found anything! Listen, I need you to do another favor for me. There's someone else I'd like you to get rid of. Can you do it? Groovy! (hangs up)

Heath is helping the young girl walk with the bag over her head. The men go outside and look around.

Saddam: Where's a car? (Heath shrugs) Where's a car, dude? (Heath shrugs) Dude, where's a car? (Heath shakes his head) Where a… (sees Jack's car) There's a car! Quick, let's stuff the girl in the trunk…or the backseat seems fine.

The two men carefully put the young lady into the backseat, lying sideways on the seats. Saddam starts the car.

Saddam: We're ahead of schedule. Why don't we go see a movie? (Heath nods his head) Alright! Let's see A Knight's Tale. (Heath slaps him) What about Casanova? (Heath slaps him again) The Four Feathers? (Heath slaps him) Candy? (Heath nods) Okay! Time to rob Blockbuster! (Heath slaps him) Rogers Video? (Heath nods)

Heath looks behind him. There is still a huge mess in a house that Jack crashed into. Saddam notices this.

Saddam: Don't worry, sweetie. The Mover will be there to add the ultimate cliché…or something like that.

The two men drive off from their hideout.

**1:12 am**

At CTU, the crew and Curtis watch as Saddam and Heath drive away from the mess they made. Curtis turns off the TV.

Chloe: Wait a minute. That's all they're going to do? Call someone to clean up while they get away? That doesn't seem like the Italian thing to do.

Curtis: Saddam's NOT Italian. I don't know what Jack's been telling you.

Chloe: I got that from Bill.

Curtis looks at Bill, who is on the floor, sucking his thumb.

Curtis: I'm not going to even bother asking why.

Morris: It's because Bill is our fearless leader! Isn't that right, Bill?

Bill is rocking back and forth, singing.

Bill: 99 bottles of beer of the wall, 99 bottles of beer. You drink one down, pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall.

Milo: Our fearless leader, everyone!

_MEANWHILE_

A man with a purple eyeglass is talking to two people when he freezes.

Boris: What is wrong with Boss?

Natasha: I don't know, darling.

Fearless Leader: Someone else is calling someone else a fearless leader.

_BACK ON PLANET EARTH_

Curtis: Don't worry. While Saddam is getting rid of Jack and his daughter, I get to kill you guys!

Milo: Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man (stands up, still tied up in the chair, and spins around) Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man.

Curtis: SIT YOU ASS BACK DOWN!

Milo: Sorry. (sits down)

Chloe: Why do you want to kill us? Jack is the one who killed you, not us!

Curtis: I haven't killed anybody in a long time. When you're in Hell, you're already dead. How would you feel if you were gun crazy and was in a place where you couldn't kill anyone?

Morris: That sounds like Canada in 2012. Maybe the world might follow its example by then.

Curtis: Noted. Now (takes out machine gun from pocket) who wants to die first?

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Am I seeing this right? He takes a MACHINE GUN out of his pocket?

Me: Yep.

Editor: Are you sure that's right? Are you sure it's not a mistake…like this story?

Me: No mistake. He takes a gun out his pocket.

Editor: Have you actually SEEN a machine gun?

Me: Look, this story has gotten more and more farfetched. Why are you complaining NOW?

Editor: I've been complaining the whole time I read this damn story! Me killing you a few times didn't cross your mind to see how BAD this story is?

Me: I thought that was us being friends! You know, the two friends who try to kill each other stay together.

Editor: You are the biggest idiot ever.

**Back to the story**

Morris: (raises hand) I volunteer…Milo to be killed first.

Milo: (shrugs) I second that…HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!

Curtis: Milo, come here a minute.

Milo: I can't. I'm all tied up. (laughs) Get it? Because my hands are all tied up! HA!

Curtis sighs as he goes to untie Milo.

Curtis: Lift your arms.

Milo lifts his arms out of the rope as Curtis unties.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (starts crying) Oh God.

Me: I know. It's one of the best things you have ever seen. When I read it, it made me cry too. I smell Academy Award!

Editor: I smell a huge piece of…

**Back to the story**

After he finishes untying Milo, Curtis goes back beside the TV.

Curtis: Milo, come here a minute.

Milo: You were just here. Couldn't have you just shot me then and there instead of untying me?

Curtis: (goes to Milo and pistol whips him…then goes back to the TV) Do. Not. Bring. Logic. To. This. Story.

Chloe: I hate to tell you this, Milo, but the bad guy's right. This story is so stupid, logic is as screwed over as a one dollar whore.

Milo: Bat Credit Card.

Morris: A BAT CREDIT CARD! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!

Curtis: What the f-?

Chloe: Don't ask. It's a stolen joke from a stupider person.

Curtis: Milo, come here a minute.

Milo: Not unless you say please.

Curtis: (angry) Milo, will you please get your white ass here?

Milo: My ass is not white! It's pale with silver…

Curtis takes out his pistol and shoots Milo in the leg.

Milo: WAAAHHHH! WAAHHHH!

A red headed woman goes up to Milo while he is crying. She slaps him.

Lucille Ball: If you ever cry like that again, my husband will kill you.

Suddenly, a man with bongos comes out of nowhere.

Desi Arnez: LUCY! You got some 'splainin to do!

Lucy: WAAAAAHHHHH! (runs away)

Desi: Come back, Lucy! (plays the bongos…rather terribly) ROCKET MAN! (runs after her)

Milo: Why did you shoot me? I thought we were brothers! I thought we were brothers!

Morris: (looks back and forth between Milo and Curtis) I never knew you too were brothers! WOW! Learn some new every day, am I right?

Chloe: They're not really brother, Morris. It's an expression meaning that they're really close.

Morris: But I could see the resemblance so clearly between these guys!

Chloe: One's black and the other is white.

Morris: It's like they're twins.

Chloe: Why didn't you get shot first?

Curtis: EVERYBODY SHUT UP! Morris, get you white/silver ass here! PLEASE?

Milo: But you shot me in the leg!

Curtis shoots Milo in the other leg.

Milo: OH SWEET BUTTERY JESUS! WAAAAHHHH!

Chloe: How is he going to walk to you with both legs shot?

Curtis: He can crawl.

Milo: Groovy.

Curtis shoots both Milo's hands.

Milo: WAAAAAHHHHH!

Chloe: How is he going to go to you now?

Curtis: Aw crap. I didn't think that far ahead.

Morris: You're not really good at this, are you? I thought you both were brothers?

Curtis: (sarcastic) FINALLY! Someone sees the resemblance.

Morris: See, Chloe! I told you they were brothers!

Curtis: That was sarcasm.

Morris: I didn't really read into that.

Milo: HELLO? I've been shot four times!

Curtis: Oh, yeah, sorry. (shoots Milo in the back)

Milo: WTH?

Chloe: This is getting stupider and stupider. Can this BE anymore stupider?

_MEANWHILE_

A man is watching TV with his two friends when his head starts to hurt horribly for a second.

Joey: What's wrong?

Ross: Do you need a doctor?

Chandler: Someone…is using…something of mine…for…evil.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Perhaps…if I talk…like this…my acting will…become…a little more…Shatner.

**Back to the story**

**1:20 am**

Jack is still passed out at the house…that, according to the last chapter, is Urkel's.

Urkel: Oh my goodness! I have a guest! Do the Urkel! Do the Urkel! I'm going to get some soda for us! (dances out of the scene)

After that unsettling comic relief, a figure comes up to the passed out Jack and puts him in a huge red bag. He silently walks away and goes to his car. The figure puts Jack in the backseat. He is about to start the car when his cell phone rings. He answers it.

Ysma: KRONK! WHERE ARE YOU?

Kronk: Sorry, Ysma! I got a call from an old friend to move someone elsewhere.

Ysma: Why are you doing this NOW? We have to get rid of The Emperor so I can rule!

Kronk: Rule the Mushroom Kingdom?

Ysma: WHAT? I meant I will be become Empress.

Kronk: Sure thing! I just need to get rid of this body.

Ysma: Hurry up! We have to get to Kuzco and quickly.

Kronk: Sure thing. Kronk out. (hangs up)

Kronk starts driving his car. He is halfway to his destination when…this happens.

Kronk: I know that you're passed out and all but sometimes…I need someone to talk to. You know what I always think of? I think that one of these days, I would drive a car like this. In the middle of the night, like this. I'm driving and driving. And then, all of a sudden, I purposely drive on the wrong side of the road and collide head on into another car. I want to know how it feels to be in a car wreck. It's nice to talk to someone about these things.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: What the f*** is wrong with this character? WHO WOULD SAY THAT? What the Hell?

Me: Can I tell you something?

Editor: No.

Me: Thank you. Sometimes, I want to just sit down and think. I think about doing the strangest things. I imagine holding a pack of matches in my hand and pour gasoline in my house. I want to set my house on fire and sit there on my bed. I want to know how it feels.

Editor: Okay. (writes down something on a piece of paper) Here's a number where people can help you. You have a problem. You're a sadist.

**Back to the story**

Kronk arrives at his destination…pretty quickly but, then again, it's not very far. The destination: a waterfall. He parks his car over a bridge and gets Jack. He looks over the bridge to see the huge waterfall. The man gets Jack in the bag and throws in off the bridge into the fall, slowly floating away.

Kronk: Mission accomplished.

He is about to walk away but something stops him. Kronk looks further at the waterfall and realizes that it goes deep….TO THE EXTREME! He freezes and ponders what to do when…

Voice: You're not going to let him die, are you?

An angel version of himself appears on one of his shoulders.

Kronk: My shoulder angel.

Another voice is heard.

Voice 2: Don't listen to that guy.

A devil version of himself appears on his other shoulder.

Devil: I'll give you two reasons why you should just walk away. Reason number 1: Look at that guy! (points at the angel) Look at his angel music thingy.

Angel: We've been through this. It's called a harp. And you know it.

Devil: All right. That's a harp…and you're wearing a dress.

Angel: IT'S A ROBE!

Devil: (gets off Kronk's shoulder) Reason number 2. (does a handstand) Look what I can do! (ends up doing a one handed…handstand)

Kronk: I don't get what that has to do with me.

Angel: No, no. He's got a point.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: I don't get the joke.

Me: You know what? Neither do I.

**Back to the story**

Kronk: Listen, you guys. You're really confusing me. I mean, confusing me as much as Inception…so…be gone! Or else…I'm going to have to get rid of you guys.

Devil: That'll work!

Both the Angel and Devil disappear as Kronk sees the Jack is getting closer to the waterfall. He runs across the bridge as Jack is heading towards certain death. Kronk reaches his hand for the bag and just when it falls off the bridge…it does.

Kronk: NOOOOOO!

Jack Bauer falls at to the bottom of the waterfall…killing him.

The End…

…

…

…

…

**NAW! JUST KIDDING! BUT WOULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN SUCH A DARK TURN! Rewind a few seconds earlier.**

Kronk reaches his hand for the bag and when it falls of the bridge…he catches it just in time. The scene shifts away from this monumental moment and backs waaaaaay back to…a bug on a branch. A chimp sees it, goes to it and proceeds to eat it.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Um, what's with the chimp and the bug? Can we go back to the story?

**Back to the story**

Kronk is driving his car all over the road, with Jack in the backseat.

Kronk: Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man! What do I do? What do I do?

Without noticing, the man begins to drive on the wrong side of the road. He proceeds to crash into an oncoming car. Jack in the bag crashes through the windshield and flies away. He lands beside a couple of huge bags. A man in picking them up and stuffing them into the trunk of his car. He puts Jack on top of the car since he has no room in his trunk or the backseats and drives away. Kronk gets out of his crashed car and looks around for Jack. He sees Jack's bag on top of a car.

Kronk: STOP! (runs but there are tons of cars blocking him)Hey you with the car! Uhhh. (he realizes that the car is nowhere to be found) Oh God. I am in deep deep dooty. I just hope this doesn't come back to haunt me. (gasps)

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: This story hasn't jumped the shark so much that it is in orbit.

Me: See! I told you this story would get better!

Editor: This story has jumped the shark so much that it is in another dimension!

Me: So this story IS out of this planet! That's the best review I've ever gotten!

Editor: I wish you would just die. I mean, who in their right minds would read this crap.

Me: Fox News?

Editor: Okay, you have a point, I'll give you that.

**Back to the story**

**1:28 am**

Chloe and Morris watch as Curtis is shooting at Milo, who is on the ground, face first…well, do you need a reason, why?

Chloe: Curtis, I think you should stop. I think you've already killed him.

Milo: Nope! I'm still alive!

Curtis: (shoots Milo in the arm) Why do I keep doing that?

Morris: Put the gun away! You've shot Milo enough times…twice in both legs, twice in both arms, four times in the back, once in the foot, ex cetrera.

Chloe: Did you manage to mispronounce ex cetera wrong?

Morris: I missed a few Spanish classes.

Chloe: Ex cetera isn't Spanish.

Morris: I also missed a ton of History classes.

Curtis: SHUT THE HELL UP! (shoots Milo in the torso)

Milo: Please….stop….the pain.

Curtis: (puts away gun) Sorry. I'm really on the edge. I needed to shoot somebody.

Milo: But I've been shot but no one else has.

Morris: Don't listen to him, Curtis! Leave me and Chloe alone and you can use Milo as target practice!

Milo: COWARDS!

Curtis: Tempting as that may be, I still have a job to do…kill EVERYBODY at CTU.

Chloe: Even Bill?

Everyone looks at Bill, who is staring off into space, drooling.

Curtis: I think he's reached a point where he is mentally retarded. Again, how he is the head of this place is BEYOND God himself.

Morris: What about Jack?

Curtis: Jack is dead, Morris. Jack is dead.

Milo: Why?

Curtis: I don't know. Hey, Milo, come here a minute.

Milo: I can't, you fascist. You shot me pretty much EVERYWHERE!

Curtis: You know what? I'm not going to shoot you. I'm just going to put some C4 in your mouth.

Morris: It's in the storage area.

Chloe: MORRIS!

Morris: What? If he kills Morris, no one else will notice. Audrey is dead but who will notice and who will care?

Chloe: Who the Hell is Audrey?

Curtis: SILENCE! (shoots Milo in the shoulder)

Milo: UNBELIEVABLE!

Morris: I don't think bullets are working on him. Maybe you should try carpet bombing.

Chloe: MORRIS!

Morris: Shut up, Chloe. Nothing can go wrong with that plan…have you ever thought of shooting Milo in the head?

Curtis: No, not at all. Hey, Milo, please come here for a minute?

Milo: (stands up) My time to shine.

He walks to Curtis, although he is like Swiss cheese due to all those bullets. He is smirking…and then Curtis shoots him in the face.

Milo: I went up to you AND YOU SHOT ME?

Curtis: You all saw it! He came at me with a chainsaw!

Morris: I saw it happen!

Chloe: MORRIS! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!

Morris: He told me what to think, therefore, he is right.

Chloe: And you see why you got that other guy killed…I don't remember his name.

Milo: ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO REALIZE THAT I'VE BEEN SHOT?

Curtis: No, not really. You should be dead by now.

Morris: I can make that arranged. (reaches into pocket, pulls out cell phone, dials a number) Hello? Yes, I would like to order a carpet bomb on CTU. Uh huh. You can choose between the regular and the special? What's the difference?

Chloe kicks the phone away from Morris.

Chloe: Why do you want Milo dead? You guys have been too close for this.

Morris: I'll be honest with you, Chloe. He took my pills.

Chloe: (gasps) That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.

Morris: I know this is heartbreaking for you, Chloe. But those pills did nothing for me.

Chloe: Nothing except…?

Morris: That's it. Those pills did nothing for me.

Curtis: Um, hi! We still have a story to go along with. If you get off topic one more time, I will kill Milo.

Morris: (deadpan) Oh no. Don't. He's the best person we've ever known. He's the whole world to us.

Curtis: I never knew you guys cared about him that much.

Morris: That was sarcasm.

Curtis: I didn't detect sarcasm in your voice.

Morris: Maybe we are brothers…

Curtis: WE ARE NOT BROTHERS!

Chloe: So what's the plan?

Curtis: Don't worry. With Jack out of the picture, I can take over and rule the Mushroom Kingdom.

Morris: I think he's going mad.

Chloe: Relax, he can't be mad without the ultimate cliché following after…

Curtis: (goes up to a window) And then, I will take over the world!

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

And, with that being said, thunder flashes outside…for no reason.

Morris: Well, that's two clichés in less than five seconds. That's a new one!

Curtis: And best of all, no one can stop me! Not even (puts pinky against mouth) Jack Bauer. MUWAHAHAHAAHA!

Chloe: Let's see…the thunder, the "taking over the world" speech and the evil laughter…yep! That's three clichés in less than fifteen seconds.

Morris: MUWAHAHAHA!

Chloe: Morris! Why are you laughing with Curtis! He's evil!

Morris: I know. His laughter is contagious. Come on! (waves hands in front of Chloe's face) FOOTBALL!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (sets fire to the script) There! No longer will I have to read this crap!

Me: (pulls out another script) Here you go.

Editor: Sigh.

Me: WTF!

Editor: I mean... (sighs)

Me: You confused me for a minute.

**Back to the story**

**1: 34 am**

The man is driving along when he hears something on top of his car. He takes a detour into an empty parking lot and gets out to see what all the ruckus. He sees, in a split second, that the bag moved. He opens the bag and sees.

Man: Whoa.

Jack peaks out of the bag, dazed and confused.

**At the editor's desk**

Me: God, I love that movie.

Editor: SHUT UP!

**Back to the story**

Man: What happened to you?

Jack: Oooooh.

Man: My name is Pacha? Who are you?

Jack: No touchy.

Pacha's mouth falls open and he steps back.

Pacha: AAAHHHH! DEMON HUMAN!

Jack awakens fully.

Jack: DEMON HUMAN? WHERE? (looks around…and sees a picture of Joan Rivers) AAAAHHHH!

The CTU worker starts running…into traffic.

Jack: Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man (starts spinning) Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man! What do I do? What do I do? (puts his hands up in the air) NOOOOO! (gets hit by a car and dies)

**THE END…**

…

…

**JUST KIDDING!**

Editor: GODDAMN IT! I WILL KILL YOU!

**Rewind a few seconds earlier**

Jack: Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man (starts spinning) Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man! What do I do? What do I do? (puts his hands up in the air) NOOOOO! (gets hit by a car, knocking him out…again)

Pacha: (goes to Jack) SOMEBODY! Somebody help! I need help here!

**1: 37 am**

A man is informing everyone, at a press conference, of some sad news.

Man: I have to inform you of some sad news. Jack Bauer is dead. He died earlier this evening of a bass battle…gone wrong. We are here, EXTREMLY early in the morning, for me to inform you this. You people never sleep. Jack Bauer was the Superman of the 2000s. Jack Bauer was the human embodiment of power. Jack…was the best.

A man beside him in crying his eyes out.

Man: He is the one who made the city, and the world, a safer place to live in. Thank you.

Both men walk away and into a car, which drives away.

Man: How was that quick speech, Heath?

Heath nods his head as the two men take off their disguises.

Saddam: I was worried that taking over the world would be the last thing for me…but now that Jack Bauer is dead…all is forgiven.

Kronk: Yeah, well. (nervous) You can't beat the satisfaction of killing someone., especially if they're deader than me. Of course if we killed him again. (bites his lip)

Saddam: (looks at Saddam, suspiciously) I suppose.

Kronk: (looks outside of the car) Oh look! There's a news reporter outside! (opens a window)

Saddam: Kronk.

Kronk: (sees a reporter) We have no comments on anything. Everything is fine.

Saddam: Kronk?

Kronk: Every little thing will be all right.

Saddam goes up to the window and shoots the reporter with a pistol.

Saddam: Now, Bauer is dead, right? Bauer is dead? (puts a hand of his cheeks) Say Bauer is dead! I need to hear these words.

Kronk: Do you have to hear those words exactly?

Saddam: AAAAHHHHH! HE'S STILL ALIVE?

Kronk: Well, he's not as dead as we would've hoped.

Saddam: KRONK!

Kronk: I thought I would give you a heads-up! You know, in case he comes back.

Saddam: HE CAN'T COME BACK!

Kronk: I know what you mean! After that lovely food and eulogy.

Saddam: YOU THINK? (lifts Kronk up by the shoulders)

Kronk: My God, you're a strong lady.

Saddam: YOU AND I ARE GOING TO FIND BAUER BEFORE HE SPOILS EVERYTHING! NOW. LET. MOVE!

_ELSEWHERE_

A boy wakes up, apparently from a nightmare.

Boy: OH MY GOOOOOD!

A woman comes in her son's room with a lit candle.

Woman: Honey, what's the matter?

Son: I dreamt that a main character almost died and he was chasing these bad guys! AND THEN THE ECONOMY WAS ALMOST DESTROYED! WORST OF ALL, THEY MADE A SPIDER MAN 3! IT WAS AWFUL!

Woman: Calm down, calm down! It was only a dream. They're never going to make a Spider-Man 3!

Boy: (calms down and smiles) Oh! It's because they wouldn't be that stupid because you're always right!

Woman: That's right!

And suddenly, a girl is dangling from the bunk bed above her brother.

Girl: Well, in my dream, there was a writer and his editor arguing about the quality of a script!

Boy: That will never happen.

Girl: It could!

Boy: Nah-uh!

Girl: Yeah-ha!

Boy: Nah-uh!

Girl: YEAH-HAAAAA!

This continues for five more seconds.

Mom: All right! Good night, kids!

Kids: Night, Mom!

And they go back to arguing as the mother blows out the candle.

**1: 42 am**

Jack is in a dark room on a bed. A voice calls out next to him, softly.

Voice: Are you okay?

Jack: Aww, Mom. I had the weirdest dream. I dreamt that I…travelled back in time and I was so lost.

Voice: Well, glad you're back in the year 2011.

Jack: (opens his eyes, wide) 2011!

The light comes on and Jack looks at the figure beside him: Pacha.

Jack: AAAHHH! (sits up) You're my…you're my…I'm sorry, who are you?

Pacha: I'm Pacha. You were in one of my bags.

Jack: (looks at reader) Good night, everybody!

Pacha: One of my big sacks.

Jack: (looks at reader) See you next week!

Pacha: Why were you in a bag?

Jack: Last thing I remember, I was doing a bass battle with an evil mastermind. And then I crashed…OH! (looks at Pacha, suspiciously) And then you turned me into a llama!

Pacha: You're not a llama.

Jack: (looks around, nervously) Uhh, ummm…. (puts on sunglasses and takes out a Neutralizer, flashing it at Pacha)

Pacha: What happened? And who are you?

Jack: My name is Jack Bauer. I was in one of your bags and I was trying to find my kidnapped daughter.

Pacha: That seems a little farfetched. I mean the fact that your daughter had been kidnapped.

Jack: I knew you'd never understand! (gets out of bed) Good day! (leaves the room)

Pacha: WAIT!

Jack goes outside of Pacha's house while Pacha chases after him.

Pacha: JACK! JACK! You forgot your pants! (shows Jack his jeans)

Jack: (looks at his legs) Aww man. I knew it was kind of drafty out here.

A man in a car passes by and sees Jack without pants.

Man: A HA HA HA HA! LOOK AT THE DORK NOW!

Jack: (goes to get his pants) This is the worst day then that time I went to the junior Prom!

_FLASHBACK_

A high school is on fire as Jack, covered in blood, walks outside the school doors.

Jack: OOOHHH! I'm a ghost!

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Jack: You just wanted to take advantage of me while I was passed out, didn't you?

Pacha: You're a funny guy, Mr. Bauer. I like you. That's why I'm going to kill you last.

Jack: What?

Pacha: Sorry. I forgot to take my bipolar medication…or should I say bi-WINNING!

_MEANWHILE_

A man wakes up in the middle of the night, with a woman beside him.

Woman: What's wrong, Charlie?

Charlie Sheen: Somebody is using my word. (pulls out a shotgun from under his bed) Now the trolls are going to be killed by the master warlock! Bring it!

_BACK TO REALITY_

Jack puts his pants on.

Jack: Thanks you saving my ass! I don't know what would've happened.

Pacha: No problem. You would've done the same for me!

Jack: I saved the whole world for a movie that did a bidding to anyone who watched it…I guess we're even! Bye!

Pacha: Have a nice one!

Jack walks away from Pacha's house, trying to figure out where the Hell he is.

**1: 48 am**

Back at CTU, Curtis is on his cell phone.

Curtis: Uh huh. Not dead. Idiot saved him from certain death? Well, I can't uphold me end of the deal. You'll find and kill Jack and his daughter? Tell me when that happens. Bye! (hangs up) Good news for you guys! Since Saddam didn't get Jack killed, I don't get to hurt anybody here!

Everybody looks at Milo, who is riddled with bullets, barely alive.

Curtis: I don't get to hurt anybody IMPORTANT!

Milo: How I'm I not important? I do twice as much as Bill! Look at him.

Everyone looks at Bill, who is sucking his thumb and facing a corner.

Morris: Well, he is our fearless leader. If you were our leader, Milo, Bill would be the one getting shot.

Milo: So how come for keep provoking Curtis to kill me?

Morris: You took my pills.

Milo: You were all conspiring against me.

Chloe: And yet, we keep telling you to stop taking those paranoia pills.

Milo: (looks around) Who said I'm paranoid? (looks at Morris) Was it you?

Curtis: (shoots his gun in the air) Shut up!

Milo: WHY AM I HERE? WHO SHOT ME? WIKILEAKS! WIKILEAKS!

Curtis: (fires again in the air) SHUT UP!

Milo: I'M LATE! I'M LATE FOR AN IMPORTANT DATE! CLANG CLANG CLANG!

Curtis SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

Milo: I'M GOING BAT S*** CRAZY! BABY, WE'RE CRAAAZY!

Arnold Schwarzenegger: SHUUUUT UUUUUUUUPP!

Milo shuts up.

Arnold: SHUT UP! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Curtis: Thank you.

Chloe: So wait. You can't shoot us unless Jack is dead?

Curtis: Correct.

Chloe: So what are you going to do while you figure out if it's happening?

Curtis: We'll just sit here and wait for Saddam to give me the word…then I'll kill you guys.

Morris: That's kind of weak. You can't kill us until Saddam kills someone else?

Curtis: Yeah…I guess it's kind of weak but then again, there are a bazillion plot holes in this story.

Milo: I need a hospital.

Curtis's gun magically goes off, hitting Milo in the right index finger.

Milo: WHY, GOD, WHY? I pray every day! What did I ever do to you?

_FLASHBACK_

Milo walks out of a movie theatre with Morris.

Milo: Passion of the Christ rocked!

Morris: You can say that again!

Milo: Passion of the Christ rocked!

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Milo: Oh okay. You can at least forgive me, right?

A bolt of lightning comes from nowhere and zaps Milo.

Milo: This isn't going to be good for my pacemaker! (passes out)

Curtis: This man has been shot several times, struck by lightning and he's still alive!

Chloe: Through the power of pure stupidity!

Curtis: That still doesn't explain anything!

Morris: It's Milo. What do we have to explain?

Chloe: We don't even know how he got a job here.

Morris: It's one of nature's mysteries…..no flashback? I thought we'd have one to add irony to what I just said…fine.

Curtis: So, we're just going to sit here until Jack is dead so I can kill you guys.

A shot is heard and Curtis falls over. He begins to bleed out from his chest…he's been shot.

Curtis: I hate irony. (dies)

Morris: I think he's dead.

Chloe: You an idiot. (looks around) Who shot him?

Bill: Sorry I'm late.

Morris and Chloe look around at Bill…who is carrying a sniper rifle.

Chloe: Bill! We thought you were too mentally incapacitated to do anything!

Bill: I am.

Morris: Why did you use a sniper rifle at close range?

Bill: (looks around, nervous) Umm…uhhh. Bebe's Kids.

Milo: Yeah right.

Bill: (looks at Milo and shoots him in the back) Why won't you die?

Milo: Nothing can stop me! (stands up) I'm Milo!

Chloe: The 2nd most stupid person here!

Morris: If Milo is the stupidest person here, then that means…(gets out a calculator…while he still tied up) someone here is the stupidest person!

Chloe: Very good, Morris: (takes out a cookie…while still being tied up) Here's a cookie! Go get it, boy! (throws it and Bill chases after it) The stupidity levels have reached extraordinary levels.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: THERE'S ARE STUPIDITY LEVELS IN THIS HORRIBLE STORY? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? NOW, THERE ARE STUPIDITY LEVELS?

Me: Calm down! You're going to give yourself another heart attack!

Editor: I'D RATHER DIE THAN READ THE REST OF THE STORY!

**Back to the story**

Bill: Has anyone heard from Jack?

Chloe: No, usually he talks to you first.

Bill: No, usually he talks to you first.

Morris: Let's all hope everything turns out all right.

Milo: This is all going to be over soon.

**1: 57 am**

There are split screens. Bill unties everyone at CTU. Jack steals ANOTHER PERSON'S CAR! ARE YOU SERIOUS? Pacha is with his family…he's not really going to be seen again.

A car pulls up in front of a house. Saddam and Heath come out of the vehicle.

Saddam: That Kronk guy was totally useless. Firing him was the best thing I could've…I COULD'VE KILLED HIM! Why didn't I kill him?

Heath puts his hand and his boyfriend's shoulder, calming him down.

Saddam: You're right. It doesn't matter now. What matters is that we have to kill Jack. His daughter…where is his daughter.

Heath points to the trunk of their car.

Saddam: Putting a girl in the trunk of the car…overdone but not underperformed. Did you put the jawbreaker in her mouth?

Heath nods.

Saddam: Excellent. This man will help us! He has done many dark things since he was a child. We are going to enlist his help.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Why do you put all these pointless character in this story and only use them for one chapter?

Me: Because I have money, that's why!

Editor: Ugh. It's like talking to a horse's vagina.

**Back to the story**

Saddam: (knocks on the door) Now remember. We need this man on our side. He is an expert at killing people. He owes me one…after that favor I did for him. There can't be a flashback because it will ruin the suspense.

The door opens and out comes a red headed man who a five o'clock shadow.

Dexter Morgan: Saddam. How nice to see you again.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: I want to stab your face with an iron.

Me: You love my story so much, that you're willing to kill for it! How nice!

Editor: Urge to kill…rising.

**Back to the story**

Saddam: Hello, Mr. Morgan. Nice to see you again.

Dexter: What do you want?

Saddam: I need you to do me a favor.

**1:59:57**

**1:59:58**

**1:59:59**

**2:00:00**

**Next time on 24.**

**CANCELLED! **

**Just kidding…COMING SOON! The scene to end all movies, stories and books.**

Jack and Chloe are on a date.

**APOCALYPSE!**

**See you the Monday after next!**

Editor: Will anyone get the jokes about Kronk and Pacha?

Me: Oh, they will. (looks at reader) They will.

Editor: Who the Hell are you talking to?


	19. Chapter 19

DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN ANY 24 CHARACTERS! PLEASE ENJOY OR READ SOMETHING ELSE…preferring Marcen12.

**Previously on 24**

Jack is in the middle of a war, passing out flowers to fighting soldiers.

Jack: Peace! Peace! Peace be with you all! (gets hit by a bullet in the leg) OH, IT'S ON! (punches a random soldier)

Then…

Bill, Morris and Milo begin to wake up in a trashed hotel room.

Milo: What the Hell happened in here?

Bill: I don't know. It must've been some party.

Morris: I'm going to the bathroom. (goes into the toilet room, uses the toilet and sees a tiger) Oh hi doggie! (the tiger growls at Morris) A HA HA HA! What a funny story, doggie! (flushes and goes out the washroom) Hi, everybody! There is a dog in the washroom!

Bill and Milo go see this and scream.

Bill: That's not a dog!

Morris: Really? Then how come he's licking his lips at us and growling meanly at us?

Milo: Because it is a tiger!

Morris: Once we get to know it, it might be a human, like us! (motions at the tiger) Here, kitty kitty kitty! See! It's coming to me! Do you guys want to pet it? (turns to the guys…but they are gone) Guys? Guess they're on their periods.

After…

Chloe is putting up "MISSING" posters all over town. A girl walks by and sees this.

Girl: What is all this for?

Chloe: My pet tiger is missing. It went missing in the middle of the night and I want to find it.

Girl: I hope you find it soon.

Chloe: Me too, little girl…there it is!

A tiger walks towards Chloe and she hugs it.

Chloe: Awww and you've been fed! (takes something out of the tiger's mouth) Why does this look like a human finger?

Finally…

Saddam is in his bedroom.

Saddam: Dear Diary, I'm not a man. I'm a man in a woman's body…like Oprah. I'm powerful…like Oprah. Why can't I be likeable…like Ellen? I just wish that my boyfriend could look at me in the eyes and say that I'm the prettiest boy in the whole wide world.

His bedroom door opens and it is his…

Mom: Saddam, honey. Time for dinner!

Saddam: MOM! Would you get out of here? I'm trying to put my feelings into words!

Mom: Can't you try using violence?

Saddam: That's the last thing I'll ever use!

_**The following takes place between 2:00 am and 3:00 am**_

**2:00 am **

Jack: (narrating) This is a true story. It happened to a friend of a friend of mine…me. I was still trying to get my daughter back from a sadistic man. A sadistic man who tried to take over the world but, when that failed, he went smaller. I have stolen another person's car…don't know why, I just felt like it. Don't worry, baby. I'll get you back. I promised the same thing to your mother….no comment…

_FLASHBACK_

Jack runs into a movie theatre and looks around. He goes to each movie until he finds his wife…watching Alone in the Dark.

Jack: HONEY! (runs to his wife…who is dead) WHY? GOD, WHY? (looks at movie) I'll kill you, Uwe Boll. I will kill you. Mark my words.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Jack is driving another stolen vehicle when he is using his cell phone to call. Someone answers.

Someone: Hello?

Jack: Good morning. Is this Chloe?

Someone: No, you got the wrong number.

Jack: Who is this?

Someone: Someone.

Jack: Someone who?

Someone: Someone Else.

Jack: Ah. I do have the wrong number.

Someone: Hope you get the person who you're looking for.

Jack: I sure hope I get someone.

Someone: That's me! You need anything?

Jack: No, I'm looking for someone else.

Someone: My name is Someone Else!

Jack: No, no! I'm looking for another person.

Someone: Hey! I know a guy named Another Person. Do you need their number?

Jack: No, it's okay! I just dialed the wrong number.

Someone: Okay! Call me back if you need anything.

Jack: I know someone whose name is Need Anything.

Someone: Me too! He's married to No Thanks!

Jack: I never saw you at that wedding!

Someone: You were there! Oh, why didn't we meet?

Jack: I don't know! We should hang sometime!

Someone: You know Hang Sometime? He's awesome!

Jack: You could say that again! Well, talk to you later!

Someone: Bye!

Jack hangs up and has a puzzled look upon his face.

Jack: I don't know where I am when I dial the wrong number. (dials another number) Come on! Pick up! (someone answers)

Chloe: Hello?

Jack: Chloe! It's me!

Chloe: I know! I have caller ID! You know I'm really annoyed whenever you call me and tell me who you are.

Jack: It's always about you, isn't it? It's always your problem! When is it ever going to be my problem?

Chloe: When you sit here and do what I do!

Jack: Fine! Close your eyes, we'll switch bodies!

Chloe: Are you driving?

Jack: Yes. My eyes are closed. What about yours?

Chloe: Jack, you idiot! Do you really need another accident? Wait, are you driving someone's car?

Jack: (nervous) No.

Chloe: Jack! You can't keep stealing other people's cars! You keep crashing them!

Jack: Are we still going to switch bodies? My eyes are still closed. Hold on one second. (yells through window) DON'T HONK AT ME, BUDDY! I SAW THE RED LIGHT THROUGH MY CLOSED EYES! I COULD STILL GO THROUGH! Whiny bastard. (talks on phone) So, Chloe, I called you for a reason.

Chloe: Other than a reason to annoy me and still claim that you can switch bodies?

Jack: I've done it before!

Chloe: Yeah…on Mars.

Jack: It was on our planet Earth! I'VE TOLD YOU A DOZEN TIMES! GET IT RIGHT!

Chloe: What do you want?

Jack: I need help on finding where Saddam is.

Chloe: I don't know. We have had our own share of problems. One of our own came back from the dead.

Jack: Who?

Chloe: Curtis.

Jack: How?

Chloe: He and Saddam made a deal: If he got rid of you, he'd kill us and that would be the end of this story.

Jack: What?

Chloe: I know! I can't believe how stupid this is all getting!

Jack: Where?

Chloe: It all went down here back at CTU?

Jack: When?

Chloe: Over an hour ago…it lasted pretty much an hour.

Jack: How?

Chloe: How stupid are you?

Jack: You know damn right how stupid I am.

_FLASHBACK_

Jack comes out of a ballot stand.

Jack: I just voted Conservative!

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Chloe: Yeah, I forgot that even though you're our fearless leader, technically, Bill is, you are dumber than sandpaper...insulting to the sandpaper.

Jack: That's why I got banned from voting altogether.

Chloe: So, where the Hell were you when this al went down?

Jack: I don't know.

Chloe: Jack, I'm going to be honest with you. If you don't get off the pot, you'll never function as a human being ever again.

Jack: But I'm sober! You were there when I went through my drug test.

Chloe: God, I don't know how you're human.

Jack: (whispers) Maybe because I'm not.

Chloe: What?

Jack: G2G! (hangs up) Good thing that lady was just a figment of my imagination.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: You know, I thought me having to read two scripts in one week was bad enough…but it's not. This chapter takes the stupidity…

Me: I'm going to stop you right there. If you don't want to read this, why are you still reading this?

Editor: Bebe's Kids, you idiot.

Me: Oh. Excuse me. (walks out of room)

Editor: Finally! I can take a break! (puts on TV and there is a movie playing: The Neverending Story 3) Maybe, I'll go back to reading the script. (cell phone rings) Hello?

Me: Sir, shame on you. How dare you call my script stupid and me an idiot!

Editor: Well, I'm not wrong! The script is, in other words, smarter than you are!

Me: I guess you're right. Now, before I go, there's one thing I want you to remember.

Editor: Yes.

Me: Are you listening?

Editor: Yes.

Me: Are you listening?

Editor: Yes.

…

Me: Are you listening?

Editor: Yes.

Me: (hangs up)

Editor: I don't why the Hell I'm still here with this idiot.

**Back to the story**

**2: 08 am**

Chloe is looking at her phone.

Chloe: Idiot.

Morris: Did you call me?

Chloe: You know, just because I say idiot, doesn't mean I mean you. At least, not ALL the time.

Morris: Just want to know that I'm still appreciated.

Chloe: We all need to do our part in order to capture Saddam!

Morris: What part do I have?

Chloe: Helping.

Morris: Well that seems to be a little vague. Helping in what? Helping in getting….

Chloe: Getting Saddam! Hello? HE has Jack's daughter!

Morris: Oh. How does he know where to find Jack's daughter and his house?

Chloe: Honestly, Morris, this story was as much sense as the reason as to why they did a sequel to Speed.

Morris: But they didn't give an explanation for that.

Chloe: You have a point, Morris.

Morris: What are we going to do?

Chloe: We are going to sit here and let the stupidity pass through us like a sock puppet.

Morris: I'm sorry, could you repeat that?

Chloe: Write it down!

Morris: Okay. I don't know what you've been smoking but I'm going to go get something from the fridge. Do you want anything?

Chloe: I want justice.

Morris: So that's two sandwiches. Fine, I'll be right back. (walks away)

Chloe: Whatever happened to that Audrey guy?

_MEANWHILE_

Morris has arrived in the kitchen. He opens the refrigerator and finds a whole bunch of things. They range from pop rocks to pop tarts, peanut butter and jelly to Blackberry Subway Jam and regular ice to Vanilla Ice.

Morris: Damn! No sandwiches!

He closes the fridge and goes to the mini fridge beside it. He looks inside that and finds a bunch of sandwiches.

Morris: Jackpot!

Morris is about to reach for a sandwich but he falls against it, knocking it over…on to his arm. He tries to get it off but he can't.

Morris: HELP!

_ELSEWHERE_

Milo comes up to Chloe.

Milo: Hey Chloe! WAZZAAAAAA…..

Chloe: No time. Jack stole another person's car and I'm afraid that he's going to get caught again.

Milo: Yeah, Jack isn't very smart.

Chloe: Look, he just wants to try everything his way before we try the right way. There's the right way, the wrong way and there's the Jack Bauer way.

Milo: What the Hell is the Jack Bauer way?

Chloe: The wrong way that proves very near fatal to anyone in a 400 meter radius.

Milo: Doesn't that mean that he's a danger to everyone around him, meaning he's a danger to society?

Chloe: Calling Jack a 'danger to society' is like calling Batman and Robin a good movie.

Milo: What do I call Jack?

Chloe: The biggest idiot since…any other idiot from Marcen12's stories. Or Harrison Laine.

Milo: Whoa, whoa. Jack isn't a bigger idiot than Harrison Laine…who is Harrison Laine?

Chloe: If you've done your research, Harrison Laine is an amateur movie reviewer who thinks he's a good reviewer…who also goes by the name Marcen12 when it comes to these types of stories.

Milo: So, doesn't that mean Marcen12 and Harrison Laine are the same person?

Chloe: Oh God. It all makes sense.

Milo: No, it doesn't.

Chloe: Oh yeah. We were talking about Jack.

Milo: How did it get from Marcen12 to…never mind. So, where's Jack?

Chloe: I don't know.

Milo: Where's Saddam?

Chloe: No idea.

Milo: Sometimes, I don't know how you get this job.

Chloe: Strange. That's the same thing I wonder about you.

Milo: (blushes) You think about me?

Chloe: Sometimes I think you're absolutely retarded.

Milo: Is it because I'm here for some amazing comic relief?

Chloe: I don't see any quotes around the words comic relief.

Milo: Oh. Ha ha. Very funny. You should get an Oscar for most hilarious person ever.

Chloe: Why, thank you.

Milo: I was being sarcastic.

Chloe: You didn't imply that you were being sarcastic.

Milo: This conversation is over. (walks away)

Chloe: There's no way it could get anymore clichéd.

**2: 16 am**

Saddam and Heath are sitting on a couch in Dexter Morgan's living room while Dexter is sitting on a chair across from them.

Dexter: Can I help you guys?

Saddam: We need you back on the team. No one can do what you can do.

Dexter: I told you. I don't do those things anymore. I'm retired.

Saddam: Admit it. You miss doing this. This whole life you've built for yourself isn't you.

Dexter: It's what I want. I don't want to go back. (stands up and looks out a window) I don't want to go back.

Saddam: Please, Mr. Morgan. We need you. You're the only person who knows how this man thinks.

Dexter: Get someone else.

Saddam: Please, Dexter….

Dexter: (turns to Saddam) You told me that the last time was the last time.

Saddam: I give you my word this time. This time WILL be the last time. We need you.

Dexter: Forget it. You gave me your word last time and that last time would mean that it would be the 2nd last time last time.

Saddam: But the last time you did this didn't feel like the last time, did it? The last time wasn't your fault…

Dexter: How dare you mention the last time like that!

Saddam: The last time wasn't your fault.

Dexter: I told you before! The last time would be the last time.

Saddam: Dexter, please!

Dexter: She wasn't supposed to be there that last time!

Saddam: It wasn't your fault. You sacrificed her life for the last time. Please. Come back to us.

Dexter is silent as Saddam walks to him. He puts his hand on the red hair's shoulder but Dexter turns back to the window. Saddam takes his hand off of Dexter and looks at the ground.

Saddam: Think about it, okay? (takes out a folder out of his jacket) Think about it, please?

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Sweet candy coated buttery Jesus. I don't think this scene could get anymore clichéd without…

**Back to the story**

Saddam: I'm going to put a little montage music while you think about it, okay?

Saddam turns on a radio. He and Heath walk out of the house while Dexter is looking out the window. It is raining. He remembers everything from before with help with the help of the montage music.

_MEANWHILE_

Saddam and Heath are in the car. Heath scratches his head.

Saddam: Wondering why we aren't moving yet? Wait a moment.

They both look at Dexter's house and sees that Dexter comes through the door with a bag. He walks to the car and climbs into the backseat, sighing sadly.

Saddam: Welcome back.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (gets up from desk, starts applaud) BRAVO! BRAVO! BRAVO! JESUS CHRIST!

Me: I love when you give me approval!

Editor: It's not for you…well, it kind of is. That one scene is officially the most clichéd part of this whole thing! If this scene were anymore clichéd, it would be called Commando!

Me: So that makes this good?

Editor: It's still awful but, by God, it's still tolerable.

Me: Soooo, we're good?

Editor: Oh, I still hate you guts.

**Back to the story**

Dexter: Promise me. Promise me right now. This time will be the last time.

Saddam: I promise that this last time will be the last time.

Dexter: Good. Because if this last time isn't going to be the last time, I'll make sure the last time is going to be the last time for you…for the last time.

The three men ride away.

Saddam: Did I tell you how pretty you hair looks in the sunlight?

Dexter: It's 2 in the morning.

Saddam: Jesus Christ. I was just trying to make small talk.

There is silence in the car.

Saddam: So…do you want to talk about the last time?

Dexter: No. (looks out car window) It's too painful.

Saddam: It wasn't your fault.

Dexter: I don't want to talk about it. Just…let it be. Let it be.

Saddam: Let it be?

Dexter: Yeah, let it be. I was hoping that I closed the door on this part of my life…now, it's opened again.

Saddam: It won't be like the last time. It will be different.

Dexter: It better be. (looks at the night sky) It better be.

**2: 21 am**

Jack is driving around, thinking.

Jack: If I were my constantly kidnapped daughter, where would I be? (snaps his fingers) A burlesque! No, no. Terrorists are much classier than that…strip club! (cell phone rings) Shut up, phone! I'm thinking! (cell phone is quiet) She isn't going to be at a strip club or a burlesque…but why? Or why not? (takes out cell phone) Chloe?

Chloe: Hello? Jack! I've tried to call you but your phone suddenly shut…

Jack: If you were captured by terrorists, where would they take you?

Chloe: NOT a burlesque, NOT a strip club and NOT the Violent Torpedo of Truth.

_MEANWHILE_

A man is talking to his goddess when…

Charlie Sheen: OKAY! I GET IT! I'M COMIC FODDER! PLEASE MOVE FORWARD!

Goddess: Charlie, who are you talking to?

Charlie: Duh, the world!

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

**At the editor's desk**

Me: Yeah, that wasn't worth it.

Editor: Yeah, like this tiny piece of time you took aside to say that.

**Back to the story**

Jack: Where would he be?

Chloe: Well, Jack. He's probably looking for you also.

Jack: ME? WHAT THE HELL DID I DO?

Chloe: He kidnapped your daughter. A negotiation must be in order.

Jack: (rolls his eyes) Negotiate? I don't know the meaning of that word.

Chloe: It's when you both agree to do something in terms of exchanging for common ground.

Jack: That's what negotiate means? That sounds like a woman's way out of things. There are only two things Jack Bauer knows. Sex and guns…not necessarily in that order.

Chloe: Did you just refer to yourself in the 3rd person?

Jack: No. Jack Bauer did naht. (looks at his car windshield) Oh hai Mark!

There is a man on his windshield.

Man: AAAAHHHHH!

Jack turns on the windshield wipers, brushing the man off the car.

Chloe: What was that? I heard screaming.

Jack: I just hit a deer.

Chloe: Deer don't scream.

Jack: Are you going to help me with Saddam or not?

Chloe: Saddam is pretty smart. He's probably looking for ways to get to you.

Jack: Well, I'm smarter.

Chloe: (looks at her watch) Yeah, I'm pretty sure you are.

Jack pulls up her split screen and sees her.

Jack: Uhhh, Chloe? Why are you looking at your watch?

Suddenly, a car crashes into Jack's vehicle and drives away.

Chloe: Sweet Lord. I actually timed that. I need to be in a story with less clichés…like Commando.

_BACK TO JACK_

Jack gets out of the destroyed car and walks away.

Jack: Hit and run. Why the Hell didn't I see that coming? (goes on his phone) Hey, Chloe. I just…

Chloe: …got into a car crash, I know.

Jack: How did you know about that?

Chloe: I heard the car blow up.

Jack: The car didn't…

Behind Jack, the car he was in blows up, destroying…the little traffic there is.

Jack: How did you know…?

Chloe: This chapter is filled with clichés. I'm surprised that YOU didn't pick up on them.

Jack: Heroes don't usually pick up on those.

Chloe: Like the second explosion that will happen in three…two…one.

Another explosion behind him, this one even bigger.

Jack: Wow, you're the next Criss Angel!

Chloe: CLICHES, DAMMIT! CLICHES!

Jack: Oh yeah. Could you hold on a minute?

He goes to a parked van and opens the front door…there are keys in it. He starts it.

Chloe: Jack, is that another vehicle you're stealing? Remember what happened to the other cars you stole?

Jack: This one is different…this one is a van.

Chloe: Have you ever thought of asking people if you could take their vehicle for investigations?

Jack: I'm Jack Bauer. I take things without asking!

Chloe: A walking cliché.

Jack: I heard that.

Chloe: Jack, you can't keep stealing vehicles. If you do, there will be no more cars in the whole world.

Jack: It'll be all for the greater good. It'll be worth it when I find Saddam and save my daughter.

Chloe: Wow. You're going to get people killed, destroying people's property and causing Hell just to get to ONE guy and save ONE person. George W. Bush will be proud of you.

Jack: Maybe he'll give me the Nobel Peace Prize.

Chloe: Knowing him…doubtful.

Jack: Don't call Bush an idiot.

Chloe: I didn't.

Jack: Well, you think he is.

Chloe: He's not a bigger idiot than you. Now, you better drive before the obvious happens.

Jack: What are you…?

Suddenly, something sticks into his neck. He passes out, dropping his phone in the process.

Chloe: You know, that cliché where someone goes into a car and, when they go in it, someone does something to make the other pass out. THAT cliché…Jack? Hello?

The person in the car hangs up and throws Jack in the backseat of the car. The person drives away.

**2: 28 am**

Chloe is still on the phone.

Chloe: Hello? Hello?

Milo comes along to Chloe.

Milo: What's up with your face?

Chloe: Jack's not responding to my clichés.

Milo: Maybe he doesn't want to hear what may happen to him.

Chloe: Maybe it's a tumor.

Milo: It's not a tumor.

_MEANWHILE_

A man in a kindergarten class is reading a book when he suddenly stops.

Kid: What's the matter?

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Something just happened.

_BACK TO THE STORY_

Milo: What the Hell is wrong with him? He should know better than hanging up on you when you're talking about clichés.

Chloe: I know! How clichéd…but it's also clichéd that he's been captured by someone while he was stealing another vehicle.

Milo: I'm sorry…he stole ANOTHER vehicle? Doesn't he realize that stealing those things doesn't exactly work in his favor?

Chloe: It gets him through one place to another.

Milo: Yes. From one explosion to another.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: You do realize that talking about clichés makes it even more of a cliché, right?

Me: To you, maybe. To me, it's absolute gold in a creek.

Editor: S**t creek is more like it.

Me: How come I have 19 of these chapters so far?

Editor: Because you only wrote one chapter and then rushed everything else at the last week.

Me: (pulls out pinky) If you promise not to tell anyone that, we can be sisters!

Editor: We're guys…I don't know about you but…

Me: Sisters?

Editor: I'm going to continue reading this instead.

**Back to the story**

Chloe: It's been really quiet around here. Where's Morris?

Milo: More importantly, where's Bill?

Chloe: One person at a time! Morris said he'd be back with a sandwich! Where is he?

_MEANWHILE_

Morris is on the ground, with his right arm caught under the mini-fridge. He pulls out his cell phone and sets it to the camera setting. He turns the cameras to himself.

Morris: Hello. This is Morris. It's been almost half an hour since I've been trapped here. Food is scarce. Hunger is setting in. I haven't eaten since…an hour ago. The ceiling is beginning to change shape. I don't think I can last another five minutes. I'm dying…in this kitchen. I'm going to have to resort to cannibalism.

_BACK TO THE OTHER STORY_

Milo: Morris will be fine. He's just eating before you!

Chloe: Pig!

Milo: Isn't that what you called him during the divorce?

Chloe: What divorce? We didn't get married!

Milo: You two are always arguing about you guys dating!

Chloe: That doesn't mean we got married!

Milo: Potato, potato. Tomato, tomato. Metropolis…

Miko: Tatopolous.

Milo: Whatever. I wonder where Bill is.

Bill comes over to Chloe and Milo, right on cue.

Bill: Hi guys!

Milo: What happened to you?

Bill: Chloe threw a cookie a half hour ago and it was my quest to find it.

Chloe: Did you succeed?

Bill: Not exactly.

_FLASHBACK_

Bill looks around for the cookie and he finds it on the ground.

Bill: This is the happiest day of my life!

He is about to pick it up when a shadow is cast on him. He looks up to find a tall Austrian man looking down on him, with an angry look on his face.

Bill: Hi, Mister! I was just going to pick up this cookie and take it with me!

Arnold Schwarzenegger: PUT THAT COOKIE DOWN!

Bill: But let me explain! I have encountered a big journey that costs me several minutes of my life! I've seen things that you have never imagined. I've climbed the highest see-saw. I've swam the deep end of a public pool. I've watched Monty Python over twenty-seven times before I came here! I watched the first seventeen seconds of The Magic Voyage! I jumped out of a moving car in order to have it explode the second I jumped out. I drank seven bottles of beer and I stole someone's car. I watched the last season of That 70s Show! I….

Arnold: SHADDDAAAAAAAAAP!

Bill goes quiet.

Arnold: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Bill: (scared) You know what? I'll just take the cookie and swallow it whole.

When he is about to reach for the cookie, a shotgun is put into his mouth and Bill looks up…to see Ash from Evil Dead, beside Arnold, holding the weapon.

Ash: Swallow this.

Ash shoots Bill in the mouth, causing him to explode.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Chloe: Your stupidity never ceases to amaze me…or pull me into your web of stupidity.

Bill: Stupidity? Or genius?

Milo: I'm guessing she's going to pick stupidity. No idiot is ever going to pick genius to describe you.

Bill: (waves a hand over Chloe's face) But you will pick genius over stupidity. You will worship me as a God.

Chloe: I will worship you as a God…of stupidity.

Milo: Like I said, no one is going to pick genius to describe you.

Bill: Where's Morris? He'll worship the ground I walk on…even if it catches fire.

Milo: Well, maybe if you hadn't played with gasoline and matches, none of that would've happened.

Bill: Groovy.

_MEANWHILE_

Morris's arm is still under the fridge. He's still talking to his camera phone.

Morris: I'm never going to be saved. It's been officially half an hour since I've been trapped under here. I feel alone. I feel that Death will be closing in any second. I see horribly fake looking birds just flying around me and exploding out of nowhere. (closes eyes) Mom, I should've picked up the phone and told you where I was going. I'm sorry.

_AFTER THAT PIECE OF MELODRAMA_

Chloe: …and that's why nobody says groovy anymore.

Bill: That has got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard…and I've heard things out of Milo that you would not believe.

Milo: Bill, listen to Chloe. She knows what she's talking about!

Bill: Do you honestly believe that whenever someone says groovy, Ash from Evil Dead will get pissed off and kill somebody?

Chloe: Explain what happened to the Scooby Doo gang?

Bill: Scooby Doo's dead? WHA-WHA-WAHHHHHH!

Chloe: It was all over the news.

Milo: No, it wasn't.

Chloe: (looks at Milo, irritated) Well, I was going to tell you eventually, Bill.

Milo: No, you weren't.

Bill: I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! GROOVY! GROOVY! GROOVY!

A huge cloud of smoke appears in front of them and out of it comes a creature…a grotesque creature.

Beetlejuice: Did someone call me?

Chloe: Get out of here, you hack!

Beetlejuice: Hack! I made up the whole 'say a word three times and you get me' thing first!

Milo: Well, our friend was calling Ash…

Beetlejuice: The guy from Evil Dead? The man who killed my brother when he possessed his hand? (scared) The Bat Signal! Got to go! (disappears into a cloud of smoke)

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: It's not Green Week. You know that, right?

Me: I know that, why?

Editor: You can't keep recycling the same jokes. (cell phone rings) Excuse me. (answers it) Hello? (gets shot through the head) Oh, you've got to be kidding me…urk! (grabs heart, dies)

Me: (holds a black notebook) No one likes a suck up, Kira.

**At the REAL editor's desk**

Editor: Why were you born? Why are you on this Earth? Why?

Me: Because you love me?

Editor: Why are you still alive? Why haven't you been destroyed by the government? Why haven't you killed yourself?

Me: Because I'm immortal.

Editor: (picks up phone) I'm going to put security on standby.

**Back to the story**

**2: 37 am**

Saddam and Heath are sitting in their car.

Saddam: Good thing Dexter is with us again. Otherwise, this whole idea would have no substance. We need Jack. Where's his daughter?

Heath points behind him.

Saddam: In the trunk, that's cool. Did you break air holes into them?

Heath nods.

Saddam: Good. We don't need another incident.

_FLASHBACK_

Saddam and Heath get out of their car to go to their trunk. Saddam opens it.

Saddam: SURPRISE! HAPPY BIR-

The men are shocked when they find this in their car: A girl with a jawbreaker in her mouth…dead after choking on it.

Saddam: Oh Goddamn…not again.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Saddam: My sister is still pissed about that day. I guess she's still not over the fact that I accidently killed her. You accidently kill her and you never hear the end of it. Am I right?

Heath smiles and nods as he takes out a bottle of pills and swallows half of the bottle.

Saddam: Hey, if you keep downing those pills, you'll be dead again. (laughing) Am I right? Am I right? Am I right?

Heath laughs silently as he swallows the other half of the pills.

Saddam: Why so dead, Heath? Why so dead?

Heath smiles as he grabs Saddam by the shirt and kisses Saddam on the lips, Frenching.

Saddam: Heath! You know how horny I get when I see you overdose on those pills.

Heath blushes as he leans down onto Saddam's lap and…

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: WHOA, WHOA! HOLY GOD DAMMIT!

Me: Do you like the edge that the story gives?

Editor: WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU? HOW GRAPIC! (flips through the pages) HOLY HELL! THERE IS SO MANY PAGES OF HEATH…WHAT THE HELL? HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU WATCH BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN!

Me: I didn't watch that movie it that much. Only 26 times…

Editor: Okay, that's not too….

Me: …in one day.

Editor: Yeah, I could tell. It could've been worse. You could've got some influence from that horrible comedy movie Boat Trip.

Me: (looks around) Have a drink.

**Back to the story…after pages and pages and pages.**

Saddam and Heath go back into their respective seats. Heath wipes his mouth.

Saddam: That was so good.

Heath puts his head on Saddam's shoulder.

Saddam: So. I'll call you?

Saddam's phone rings and he picks it up.

Saddam: Hello? Oh hi! WAAZZZZZZAAUP! Excellent. (hangs up) The plan is in motion. I repeat, the plan is in motion.

Heath nods as he opens another bottle of pills and swallows half the bottle.

Saddam: I guess celebrations are in order.

Heath goes into Saddam's lap and…

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: AWWW NO NO NO NO! AWWWW DAMN!

Me: See! My story reaches new territories! It has a new edge, doesn't it?

Editor: (flips through pages) THERE IS SIX AND A HALF PAGES OF THIS! SIX AND A HALF PAGES! ARE YOU SERIOUS! **SIX AND A HALF GODDAMN PAGES! SIX! AND A HALF! PAGES! OF NOTHING BUT SADDAM AND HEATH…DOING THAT! SON OF A…GODDAMIT! **

Me: Yeah! Groovy, huh?

The door opens and in comes a guy with a huge shotgun.

Ash Williams: Who the Hell said my word?

Me: (points at Editor) This guy.

Editor: I am going to kill you. I am going to get Freddy Kruger, make a deal with him and make him kill in your sleep. I will make you commit suicide. I will make sure God and Satan destroy your life. I will kill your whole family. I will kill you. I will kill you. I will kill you. I will kill you. I will kill you.

Ash: You know what? I'll come back. (leaves the room)

Me: Thanks for saving me.

Editor: I will kill your life. I will kill your soul. I will kill your spirit.

Me: Um….he's gone.

Editor: I will destroy your mind. I will rape your spirit.

Me: Sir…

Editor: I'M TALKING TO YOU! (flips through pages) THEY HAVE SEX! IT'S LIKE THIS! AAAAHHHH! I'M GOING TO F***ING KILL YOU! I WILL RAPE YOU! I WILL REIN DOWN ON A GODLY FIRESTORM UPON YOU! YOU'RE GOING TO CALL THE F***ING UNITED NATIONS TO GET A BINDING RESOLUTION TO KEEP ME FROM DESTROYING YOU! I AM TALKING SCORCHED EARTH, MOTHER F***ER! I WILL MASSACRE YOU! ** I WILL FUCK YOU UP!**

Silence.

Editor: Okay. Let's get back to the script.

**Back to the story**

**2: 46 am**

Morris is still trapped under the mini fridge, still talking to his camera phone.

Morris: I can't take it anymore! I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE! (puts away his phone) I have to get out of here!

Morris gets out a small saw out of his pocket and puts the blade into his arm. He takes a big breath.

Morris: Here goes.

He is cutting a bit of the saw into his arm when…

Milo: Morris? What the Hell are you doing?

Morris turns around and sees Milo standing behind him.

Morris: Milo! Come here and help me! I'm dying! I'm dying.

Milo shakes his head as he lifts the fridge, easily, off of Morris's arm. Morris jumps for joy.

Morris: HOORAY! I'm free!

Morris falls back down and starts sawing his arm again.

Milo: Uhhh, Morris…?

Morris: (gets up) Oh yeah! (chuckles) I'm so stupid.

Milo: Of course you are. Let's get back to work. We still can't get a hold of Jack.

Morris: Jack's missing? Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man (starts spinning) Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man.

While Morris is spinning, Milo sighs and pushes Morris to the ground and puts the fridge back onto his arm. Morris screams while Milo walks away.

Morris: MILO! WHAT THE HELL? YOU PUT THE FRIDGE ON THE WRONG ARM! HEY! PUT THE FRIDGE BACK ON THE RIGHT ARM! HEY! COME BACK HERE! I'll be your friend.

Milo: (turns around) Really? (takes off fridge off of Milo's arm) Now we can be buddies!

Morris: (links one of his arms to one of Milo's arms) Let's go back to work!

Morris and Milo skip away…back to work.

_MEANWHILE_

Chloe is still calling Jack's phone when Milo and Morris skip to her.

Chloe: Hi girls.

Milo: Hey, guy. What's up?

Chloe: Jack hasn't called back and I'm worried.

Morris: Trouble in paradise?

Chloe: (slaps Milo) Shut up, Morris.

Milo: But I didn't say anything!

Chloe: (slaps Morris) Sorry! I'm pissed off that Jack hasn't called back yet.

Morris: Now you know how Curtis and I feel.

Chloe: Curtis came back from Hell, tried to kill us and Bill shot him to death…again. How do you feel about that?

Morris: I don't think he noticed me.

Milo: Same here.

Chloe: Milo, he shot you over twenty times! I'm pretty sure noticing you worked in his agenda.

Milo: Yeah but I didn't FEEL that the bullets were caring enough to kill me.

Chloe: But where is Jack? Why isn't he answering? If he got kidnapped, the least he could do is call.

Morris: Chloe, I think the kidnapper would've turned off and taken away his phone.

Chloe: Oh crap. If Morris is making sense, this whole world might end!

Milo: Everybody calm down.

Morris: I AM CALM! SNAKE! AAAHHHHH!

Chloe: (slaps Morris) Milo said calm down! (turns to Milo) Continue.

Milo: Thank you. Look, he's probably not answering his phone because he's at a strip club.

Chloe: He has to look for his daughter!

Milo: Chloe, you've known Jack longer than any of us guys have. Whenever he's on a mission that takes up an entire day, where does he go to when the focus isn't on him for a few minutes?

Chloe: (thinks about it) Come to think of it, he never…that explains so much.

_FLASHBACK_

One evening, Chloe is at her desk when a drunken Jack comes in with two women.

Jack: Good morning, Chloe! I just came back from the strip club and these two strippers came back home with me!

Chloe: Jack, this isn't your house.

Jack: That's great, Mother. Now, I got to know these two strippers names. They are Shi-Ling and Fiona Chang, two of the hottest Asian strippers that you'll ever meet.

Chloe: Jack, you're not supposed to have strippers at the office after that other time…

Jack: I don't care what happens! I can… (looks away and sees) Hey, you! Yeah, you! What do you think you're looking at? I'm the man with the plan! I'm Jack Bauer! Who the Hell are you?

Chloe: That's a tree.

Jack: Whoever it is! I'm going to kill him! (runs to the tree and tackles it down) FIRSTDOWN!

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Chloe: Wow, the stupidity gets higher and higher, even during flashbacks.

Milo: It isn't written by Marcen12 for nothing.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Why do you keep burning yourself?

Me: I don't burn myself!

Editor: These characters think you're stupider than I do! Clearly you've written the script, so what's the deal?

Me: Self deprecation is the IN thing right now.

Editor: Amputation to one of your writers, especially to the one sitting in front of me, is also the IN thing right now.

Me: Continue reading. It's going to get better.

Editor: I doubt it. I really really really really really doubt it.

**Back to the story**

Milo: Has anyone seen Bill?

Chloe: He said that he had some important business he had to take care of when the Scooby Doo gang was killed earlier.

Morris: They deserve to be killed after those live action movies they did.

Milo: Well, I didn't think the first one was so bad. The second one was as bad The Ring Two.

Everyone laughs and Milo sheds a tear.

Milo: Oh, what a joke. Everyone knows that The Ring Two is one the worst sequels in the past decade!

Chloe: You may be an idiot but you sure know how to make me laugh!

Morris: Bill should hear that joke! Again, where is he?

_MEANWHILE_

Bill is in the shower. He is holding his knees and rocking back and forth, eating cookies and singing.

Bill: Scooby Dooby Doo. Where are you? We need some help from you now….

_BACK TO WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT_

Chloe: Jack, where are you? Where?

Milo: Yeah, Jack! You never keep a woman waiting!

Morris: You DON'T keep a woman waiting? That explains so much.

**2:56 am**

There are split screens. Morris is rocking back and forth in the shower. Chloe is calling Jack's cell phone, not getting any answers. Milo and Morris are playing Battleship…on a Monopoly board. Saddam and Heath are…still in the car.

Jack wakes up in a dark room. He looks around and sees dimly lit pictures…of people who seem familiar. He tries to get up but he in wrapped tightly in plastic wrap on a table. He looks around and sees that the whole room is covered in plastic wrap. A voice calls out to him.

Voice: I see that you've finally woken up.

Jack looks around, trying to find the voice.

Jack: Where am I?

Voice: It's not going to matter for long.

Jack turns to the voice and sees a red haired man holding a knife.

Jack: Who the Hell are you?

Dexter Morgan: Is it really that important in you last moments?

Jack: Last moments? What the…?

Dexter: It's interesting that a man like you can capture people.

Jack: That's what I do! I capture people!

Dexter: Really? (points to pictures) Did they deserve to be captured?

Jack looks at the pictures and sees O.J. Simpson, Uwe Boll, Cuba Gooding Jr and Conrad Black.

Jack: All these people deserved to be captured! They were horrible people!

Dexter: And don't they get a second chance?

Jack: OJ got off the hook for killing his wife but he ended up getting arrested for robbing a memorabilia store. Uwe Boll keeps making horrible movie after horrible movie. Cuba Gooding Jr's career is direct to video…

Dexter: I get it, I get it. But do they HONESTLY deserve what they got to them?

Jack: Yes! And this isn't the law talking, they actually got what they deserve.

Dexter: (holds the knife above Jack, getting ready to stab him in the heart) Maybe you get what you deserve.

Jack: Why me? Why?

Dexter: Some people want to get rid of you. You are the scum of the Earth. No one will miss you.

Jack: I help clean the scum off of the Earth! I have to look for a man who almost took over the world and, now, he has my daughter! If I don't get to him soon, she will die!

Dexter: I don't believe you.

Jack: Saddam has gone too far! I need to get him before he does anything worse!

Dexter: What has he done to the world?

Jack: He's killed people!

Dexter: He's what?

Jack: You don't know? He is one of the most twisted individuals in all of history! If I don't stop him, we are all dead! WE ARE ALL DEAD!

Dexter: (thinks for a moment) Saddam is mad! (holds the knife higher) I can't let anyone else know about it.

Jack: Think about what you're doing? If you kill me, who will get the madman in the end?

Dexter: I'm sorry.

Dexter gets ready to plunge the knife down to Jack.

**2:59:57**

**2:59:58**

**2:59:59**

**3:00:00**

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: NO! YOU CAN'T END IT LIKE THAT!

Me: I just did.

Editor: That's awfully rude! You don't do that at the end of the chapter?

Me: It's an edge of your seat pages turner, am I right?

Editor: I'm not waiting another week to see what happens!

Me: (looks around) Well….

**Next time on 24**

Jack, Morris and Milo are playing Spin The Bottle.

Morris: Okay, Jack! Your turn to spin the bottle!

Jack spins the bottle and it lands on Milo.

Jack: Oh this is going to be fun! Truth or dare?

Milo: Uhhh. No, Jack. I think you got this game mixed up….again.

Jack: I know how to play spin the bottle! Whoever the bottle lands on, the person who spun it asks them truth or dare.

Morris: That's not how you play.

Jack: How the Hell are you supposed to play?

Milo and Morris looks at each other, then at Jack.

_THEN…_

Chloe is working at her desk when Bill comes along.

Bill: Chloe, I need you to set up a state funeral for the Scooby Doo gang.

Chloe: I'm not in charge for that. In fact, nobody cares as long as that annoying bastard Scrappy Doo is killed.

Bill: But that little dog wasn't with them at that time.

Chloe: (gets out a rocket launcher from her desk) You leave that to me.

_After…_

Saddam and Heath are still in Saddam's car…

Editor: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

_Finally…_

Audrey. …

Audrey: Yay! (phone rings; answers it) Hello? (gets shot through the head)

…gets killed again. What a worthless person.

**That's next on 24.**

Editor: You're honestly going to end this chapter on that note?

Me: Hell yes.

Editor: This is not supposed to be interesting. Why am I excited for next time?

Me: It's because I'm white?

Editor: But you're black.

Me: That explains so much.


	20. Chapter 20

DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN ANY 24 CHARACTERS! PLEASE ENJOY OR READ SOMETHING ELSE…preferring Marcen12.

**Previously on 24: THE E! Hollywood Edition – Behind The Scenes**

Narrator: It had been almost a full day since the cast of 24 were made famous. They were rich, healthy and complete party animals. But something had to give…

Chloe: (confessional) We had a bunch of problems with the way things were going. Everyone seemed to be doing their own things.

Narrator: Unfortunately, the party scene became too much for one cast member, after a day of shooting.

Jack: (confessional) I wanted to blow off some steam after hours on hours of shooting. I just wanted to get out of it, you know.

Narrator: One evening, at a party, Jack and his posse went into a club. Jack immediately started to drink and also took an unknown substance. This was not unusual for people who knew him.

Morris: (confessional) Jack always did illegal things in front of us. None of us had the courage to say anything about it. He always did speed, crack, LSD and watch porn on one of the director's monitors. Sometimes, he'd do all of those things at once.

Narrator: On this night, however, things ended up a bit different. According to witnesses, Jack became increasingly paranoid due to the drugs he was taking.

Barkeeper at Bar: (confessional) The man was constantly looking around at people because he thought they were looking at him. He is Jack Bauer, the most famous person in the room. But this was different.

Narrator: Later on, his behavior began to take on a new form. He became deranged. As the night wore on, his behavior became more erratic from giving two men a lap dance to pulling a gun on twenty-five people.

Witness: (confessional) I didn't know what to think. He was either acting or…no, I thought he was acting. He pulled out a gun on a few people…he shot a few.

Narrator: But, at the climax of the night, Jack did the unthinkable and the most tragic.

Barkeeper: He was on his 35th bottle of beer when he stopped halfway and pulled out his gun. He went to the back of the club and… (pauses, holds back tears) he was screaming at a tree.

Narrator: According to police reports, Jack Bauer went up to a Christmas tree and started yelling at it.

Milo: Jack is a bit bipolar sometimes. He'll talk to anything that doesn't speak.

Narrator: After many minutes, the argument between Jack and the tree escalated. Jack pulled out his gun and started shooting at the tree.

Barkeeper: Everyone at the club started screaming and headed outside while this grown man threw his pistol to the tree and tackled it down, punching…(tears streaming) its branches. He wouldn't stop destroying the tree.

Narrator: Someone called 911 and Jack Bauer was arrested. He spent a night in county jail and was charged $1000 for destruction of property and was threatened to be slapped with 5 years jail time for manslaughter. When the cast heard about this, they were devastated.

Chloe: Jack was always so nice. He would never hurt a fly.

Morris: He always helped me with my problems. I should've been there when he needed someone.

Milo: I guess when Bill attempted suicide, Jack had a meltdown.

Jack: If I could take back what I did to that tree, I would. I would've left whatever it said go. (looks up) I'm sorry. (cries)

**We will be right back with 24: THE E! Hollywood Edition – Behind The Scenes**

_**The following takes place between 3:00 am and 4:00 am**_

**3:00 am**

Chloe is on her computer. She slams her fists on the keyboard.

Chloe: AAAAHHHHH!

Morris goes up to her desk.

Morris: Something wrong, Angry German Kid?

Chloe: I CAN'T FIND JACK! He hasn't called!

Morris: Don't you think he might've gotten captured? You know, like you said?

Chloe: I'm trying! I need help! I don't know what to do!

Morris: Get a new field agent.

Chloe: What? We can't just buy a new field agent.

Morris: Of course we can. How do you think we got Milo?

Chloe: But Milo's totally useless.

Morris: Exactly! Besides, we have a ton of field agents in storage from the first time we operated here.

Chloe: Alright, let's go to the storage.

_At the storage area…_

Chloe: This is just a closet that no one ever uses.

Morris: Hmmm, I wonder why? Is it because it's the storage area? (opens door) Duh.

Chloe and Morris look inside the closet…only to find a problem.

Morris: Oh. Agents need food, don't they?

Chloe: I've never seen so many skeletons in one small place before.

Morris: I have. It's called The Golden Girls. BURN!

_ELSEWHERE_

A young teenager is kissing his girlfriend when he pauses.

Jackie: Michael! What's wrong?

Kelso: I…don't know.

_Okay…BACK TO THE STORY_

Chloe and Morris get out of the storage area.

Chloe: What I'm I going to do now? Jack is somewhere that I don't know about?

Morris: Relax. We don't need a field agent to figure out where the world's most dangerous man is.

Chloe: Yes, we do.

Morris: We don't need him. We can do it. Don't worry. If there's a will, there's a way.

Chloe: You're right. We can do this. Thanks. (hugs him and walks away)

Morris pulls out something from his pocket: A heart shaped locket. He opens it and in it is a small picture of Jack.

Morris: Oh Jack. I need you. Oh, how I wish you were safe. How I wish you were here with me, hugging me, holding me, kissing me. Oh, how I need you. Oh, how I love you. And how I hate you! Oh, how I love you. Oh, how I hate you! Oh, I wish you can come back to me in one piece. Come back to me…oh sweet Prince!

Morris hugs the locket to his heart and he sighs, happily. Suddenly, he hears heavy breathing behind him. Morris turns around and sees Milo, breathing heavily. Morris responds to this by punching his colleague in the face, collapsing to the ground. Morris looks around and walks away as if nothing happened, putting the locket away in the process.

_MEANWHILE_

Chloe is back working at her desk when Bill comes up to her.

Bill: So, what's up?

Chloe: Nothing much, just looking for the only person who is doing something around here.

Bill: Hello? I'm right here.

Chloe: That's a good joke. Now try to put all that effort into being our boss.

Bill: But I can be the fun boss! I'm the world's greatest boss.

_MEANWHILE_

A man in his office is making a phone call when he suddenly gets the chills. Another man comes in.

Dwight: I heard you get the chills. Are you alright? Do you need to go to the hospital?

Michael: No, Dwight. Something is wrong.

_BACK TO THE STORY_

Chloe: Then, help me find Jack?

Bill: What? Has he been kidnapped?

Chloe: How do you not know that?

Bill: I was mourning the loss of the Scooby Doo gang…and laughing at the assassination of Scrappy Doo.

Chloe: That was the best thing of all time.

Bill: It was better than the time the guy who started 9/11 got killed by American people! I think his name was…John Travolta.

Chloe: You are an idiot.

Bill: I'm the boss!

Chloe: Leave me alone if you're going to act like an idiot.

Bill: Fine! If you need me, I'll be putting C4 in the woman's washroom. (walks away)

Chloe: Come on, Jack. Give me a clue. Where are you?

Voice: Over here, Chloe!

Chloe turns around and sees the ghost of Jack.

Chloe: Jack! You're dead!

Jack: I know you are (pulls out a gun) but what I'm I?

Chloe: NOOOO!

Jack: You didn't save me (points gun to Chloe) now I'm not going to save you. (shoots Chloe)

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: You are the most retarded person I have ever met.

Me: You keep saying in different ways how much you love the story. It's starting to get boring.

Editor: I hate this story!

Me: Thank you! I love you too!

Editor: It took this long to find Osama Bin Laden, I wonder how long it will take for them to find your brain?

**Back to the story…the whole Jack's ghost thing never happened**

Chloe: Oh, Jack. Where are you?

**3:06 am**

Saddam and Heath are in their car…

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: AGAIN? (flips through pages) I TOLD YOU WHAT I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT THEY WERE DOING NICELY!

**FLASHBACK**

Editor: I'M TALKING TO YOU! (flips through pages) THEY HAVE SEX! IT'S LIKE THIS! AAAAHHHH! I'M GOING TO F***ING KILL YOU! I WILL RAPE YOU! I WILL REIN DOWN ON A GODLY FIRESTORM UPON YOU! YOU'RE GOING TO CALL THE F***ING UNITED NATIONS TO GET A BINDING RESOLUTION TO KEEP ME FROM DESTROYING YOU! I AM TALKING SCORCHED EARTH, MOTHER F***ER! I WILL MASSACRE YOU! ** I WILL FUCK YOU UP!**

Silence.

Editor: Okay. Let's get back to the script.

**END OF FLASHBACK**

Editor: (pulls out a gun) Time to end you, once and for all)

Me: (pulls out a black notebook) Don't make me write your name in this.

Editor: (puts down gun) Truce?

Me: (puts down book) Truce.

**Back to the story**

Heath wipes his mouth as Saddam's phone rings. He answers.

Saddam: Hello? The job is done? So, it's no longer going to be a problem? Excellent. I'll see you later…for the last time, I guess. Bye. (hangs up) The job is done.

Heath is taking two more bottles of pills.

Saddam: I'll be back. I got to get ready for you again.

Heath nods and smiles as he opens another bottle of pills. Saddam gets out of the car and breaths in some fresh air.

Saddam: Tonight is the night. This is going to be magical.

He hears some muffling behind him. He turns to the noise and it is coming from the trunk of his car. He opens it and sees their hostage, squirming around, trying to scream.

Saddam: Don't worry, little girl. It's all going to be over soon. It's going to be alright…for us. No one is going to save you now.

**3:08 am**

Dexter puts down his cell phone and looks at the table.

Dexter: I can't believe I did this. I thought this would be the last time…the very last time…for the last time.

He walks to the table and touches his special knife.

Dexter: I never wanted to do this. I promised myself it would be the last time…that would be the last victim.

A ghost appears beside him.

Harry Morgan: Dexter, you did the right thing.

Dexter: Did I, Dad? Did I? I felt it was my right to…why do I feel a totally different way?

Harry: You'll be sure of that feeling eventually.

Dexter: That always means never.

**3:09 am**

Chloe is still looking for Jack when she finally gets up, having enough. She walks up to Bill, who is stealing food from the fridge in the kitchen.

Chloe: I quit.

Bill: (stuffs a chicken wing into his mouth) Hmmm?

Chloe: I can't do my job. The one thing that I thought I could do, finding Jack, I just can't. It's like he disappeared off the face of the Earth.

Bill: (gulps) The Earth doesn't have a face. The moon does.

Chloe: You see? All this stupidity surrounding me is making me stoop down to your level! Do you know how much this is going to cost my brain cells? Wait, of course you don't know.

Bill: Well, you can't quit. You're the only smart person here. We have an idiot out there looking for Saddam! Do you know how much that's going to cost CTU?

Chloe: Jack didn't want to go looking for Saddam. You guys made him.

Bill: The point is, Chloe, Jack is a moron. A huge idiot. But here's the thing. He is risking his life to find the number one terrorist in the world, his daughter has been kidnapped by said terrorist and he's saved most of his money by switching to Geico! Can you do better?

Chloe: Wow. You just made me realize how much of an idiot I am.

Bill: Now, are you going to quit or are you going to help out on what is the most dangerous mission that we've ever faced in a Marcen12 story?

Chloe: I'll take a dangerous mission. (puts on pilot's cap) I have a plane to save! (runs back to her computer)

Bill: Plane?

_MEANWHILE_

Chloe is back working on looking for Jack when Morris goes up to her.

Morris: So, buddy? Any luck finding my boyfri…I mean, Jack?

Chloe: Not yet. But Bill's motivational speech drove me to do better.

Morris: I hope that you find him. (turns away and brings out locket with Jack's picture) I hope that we can be together at last. The sunset is as beautiful as you are. Everything about you is so perfect. Your mind is mysterious, like your body. It makes me tingle in every right way. If you were a God, I could pray to you every day, just for your love. (hugs locket) Oh Jack.

There is some heavy breathing behind him. Morris looks behind him and sees Milo looking at him, breathing heavily. Morris punches Milo in the face, knocking him out.

Chloe: What's going on back there?

Morris: Uhhh… (puts away locket) Absolutely nothing! Nothing at all!

Chloe: Are you fighting with yourself again?

Morris: No, no. I'm not! Yes, I am!

Chloe: Don't make me come back there!

Morris: Go ahead! I dare you!

Chloe: Okay, that's it! (gets up from the chair…losing control of the car) I warned you! I warned you, didn't I?

Morris: We're going to die!

Chloe: Correction. YOU'RE going to die.

The car drives off of a cliff. Chloe and Morris look in horror as they see certain doom ahead.

Chloe: OMG! We're falling!

Morris: We're not falling! WE'RE CRASHIIIIING!

Chloe wakes up.

Chloe: It was all just a dream… just a dream.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: You are the biggest idiot I have ever come to know.

Me: Thank you very much.

Editor: I could squash you like a bug right now.

Me: Stop it! You're making me blush!

Editor: I guess you writing about a dead actor and a hardcore terrorist would make you blush.

**Back to the story**

Morris goes up to Chloe.

Morris: So, did you find Jack?

Chloe: Not yet. It's going to take me a while.

Morris: I hope he's alive.

Chloe's phone rings. She answers.

Chloe: Hello?

Jack: It's me.

Chloe: Jack? What happened to you?

Jack: The usual. I was going to steal a car, someone knocks me out, brings me to a place to kill me, they have a change of heart and let me go.

Chloe: Do you know who kidnapped you? Do you think it was someone who worked for Saddam?

Jack: He told me his name wasn't important. I guess he didn't want to be found out. He just told me that he was working for Saddam but he didn't want to go through with killing me.

Chloe: Where are you?

Jack: Jesus Christ, is this 20 questions?

Chloe: I told you before. I'm no longer going to play that game with you because you keep cheating! I don't know how, or why, you do that but…D'OOOOOOH!

Jack: I had to hijack another car to get away.

Chloe: Oh sweet Lord. ANOTHER CAR! Haven't you learned anything from the last time?

Jack: There was a last time?

Chloe: You know what? I'm pissed off at you right now. I'll call you back in a few minutes.

Jack: Don't you dare hang up…

Chloe closes her cell phone, ending the conversation.

Morris: Old boyfriend?

Chloe: Boyfriend? As if.

Morris: Didn't we go out for a while?

Chloe: I always thought of you as one of the girls.

Morris: One of the girls?

Chloe: You can't blame me! You constantly wore make-up, dressed up like a girl, make out with boys…

Morris: You dared me to do that.

Chloe: Did I mention that you used to, and still do, but for some reason stopped, say dahling.

Morris: Dahling, please!

Chloe: See? Do you see why I think of you as one of the girls? You do act like a girl!

Morris: I'm not a girl, I'm just drawn that way.

Chloe: What?

Morris: Groovy!

A man bursts through a wall, with a chainsaw for a hand, looking very angry.

Ash: I am going to kill someone tonight. And this time, it will be for pleasure. Who, in Satan's name, said MY word?

Chloe gets up and runs away. Morris, however…

Morris: (points to himself) I said groovy! Now we can be best friends!

Ash: Oh! We'll be friends, alright… (starts chainsaw) when Hell freezes over.

Morris: Oh boy! Winter is going to come early this year! (spreads out his arms and goes toward Ash) Come give me a big hug!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (flips through pages) Oh my. This is pretty…wow. Morris has become the biggest idiot here. And I've read this stupidity with you for a few months.

Me: On a scale of 1 to 10, how bloody is that certain part?

Editor: I don't think a 1 to 10 scale will help describe what is being described here.

Me: So a 1?

Editor: What the Hell is with you and putting characters in constant danger?

Me: I'm bipolar.

Editor: That's explains your….that explains you. (looks at script) Wow, you're really doing a number on Morris.

**Back to the story**

**3:14 am**

Jack is driving someone else's car. He throws his cell phone against the front window, in anger.

Jack: I can't believe she hung up on me! I'm Jack Bauer! No one, not even Chuck Norris, ever hangs up on me. Time for vendetta.

He pulls out his gun and…just holds it while he's driving.

Jack: I need some angry music.

The madman turns on the car radio and _Break Stuff_ by Limp Bizkit is blasting loud. Jack screams as he begins to drive erratically all over the road.

Jack: I'm so angry!

Jack drives faster and faster until he finally has the need…the need…FOR SPEED! He suddenly slams the brakes…around the same second as he realizes that he doesn't have his seat belt on. He crashes through the windshield and lands on the hard ground. The music is still playing and Jack suddenly gets up.

Jack: I WANT TO BREAK STUFF!

He picks up his pistol and starts shooting at his car, which, for no reason, blows up. Jack celebrates this "victory" by dancing. His "victory" is short lived as he realizes that he is, once again, without a car. He sees an oncoming car. He gets aims the gun at the car.

Jack: Freeze! CTU! I need to apprehend your vehicle.

The car stops and Jack goes to the vehicle, opening the driver's door. The person driving is an elderly African-American woman.

Jack: SIR, I NEED TO BORROW YOU GODDAMN CAR!

Woman: (slaps Jack in the face) Didn't you mama give you any manners! (slaps him again) What the Hell is the matter with you? (slaps him) The least you could do is ask me nicely! (slaps him again)

Jack sheds a tear and walks away.

Woman: You have a good day now.

She drives away as Jack sits in the middle of the road…causing traffic behind him.

Man: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Another man: THERE ARE PEOPLE DRIVING HERE!

Jack doesn't hear anything. Instead…

Jack: (sings) How could this happen to me…

In the middle of his terrible version of this awful, guilty pleasure, a car stops beside him and someone picks him up, driving off with him.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: HOLY HELL! Are you serious? Jack just got out of being kidnapped and NOW he's been kidnapped again? Are you f***ing serious!

Me: Yes. Yes, I am.

Editor: Urge to kill…rising.

**Back to the story**

Jack is dropped onto a seat of the car and he looks around. Two guys in black suits and sunglasses are looking at him.

Agent K: Hello. We are the Men In Black.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (starts punching the desk) You're not funny! You're not funny! You're not funny! You're not funny! You're not funny! You're not funny!

Me: You're right. I'm hilarious.

**Back to the story**

Jack: But only one of you is black.

Agent J: I told you this guy is an idiot.

Agent K: You may be right, Soldier. This guy makes those four aliens who work for us look like Einstein.

Jack: But Einstein is dead!

Agent J: This was your plan.

Jack: What the Hell do you want from me?

Agent J: We have reason to believe that you are trying to capture Saddam, is that correct?

Jack: Well, yeah! He kidnapped my daughter! What does that have to do with you?

Agent K: We have reason to believe that Saddam isn't exactly from this world.

Jack: No kidding. He has a dead actor for a better half. And with a gay cowboy…

Agent J: We've tried to check his background but there is no sign of it. It's like he came to Earth to do whatever the Hell he wanted.

Jack: Like Christopher Walken?

Agent J: Try someone who isn't worth the breath.

Jack: Rebecca Black?

Agent K: Disco.

_MEANWHILE_

Two kids at a high school are walking in the halls when one of them freezes.

Ingrid Third: Are you alright?

Fillmore: Not really. I feel dirty all of a sudden.

_BACK TO THE STORY_

Jack: So let me get this straight. You're looking for a terrorist who isn't exactly from this planet.

Agent J: Correct.

Jack: And I'm involved in this how?

Agent K: Well, you're the only guy we can count on. You know what he can do.

Jack: I'm sorry but this conversation has been done to death. Let me guess: You know what I can do, you need me to get him because I know how he thinks, etc.

Agent J: So, will you help us?

Jack: I can't. I'm working for someone else to capture Saddam.

Agent K: Oh. Well this conversation never happened.

Jack: Of course it did.

Agent J: No it didn't. (pulls out a small device out of his pocket)

Jack: Oh cool! A neutralizer! That hasn't been used on me for a while!

Agent J: Say cheese!

Jack: Cheddar!

The small device flashes and, as soon as this happens, Agent K throws Jack out of the car, making him tumble out into the road.

Agent K: (closes the door) Well, that was fun!

Agent J: Yeah…but how did he know he had been neutralized before?

Agent K: Well, I…oh f***.

**3: 19 am**

Chloe is giving the 911…

Chloe: It's 411, dumbass.

Chloe is giving the 411 to Morris about the situation.

The Situation: Yeah! I'm a douche bag! Fist pump!

Chloe: (shoots The Situation) Dumbs***. (turns to Morris) And that's basically it.

Morris: Jack's alive! What happened to him!

Chloe: He was kidnapped!

Morris: Do all of his family members get kidnapped at one point of their lives? I mean Jesus! Jack's been kidnapped by four people! Kim gets kidnapped once!

Chloe: Well, he's okay now. His capture let him go.

Morris: Was he working for Saddam?

Chloe: Yeah but the only problem was that his capture didn't give any leads to where Saddam is!

Morris: In Mexico?

Chloe: You know. You're probably right.

Bill and Milo come up to Morris and Chloe.

Bill: Yo, my peeps! Yo, Morris! Hey! Rap with me, brotha!

Chloe: What the Hell is he doing?

Milo: He watched Malibu's Most Wanted and now he's convinced that he's black.

Morris: Hey, yo gabber gabba! What's happening?

Bill: Yo, what's the 911?

Chloe: Jesus Christ, no one knows how to talk street here. 911 is emergency! 411 is information!

Bill: The situation is the emergency! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Chloe: Oh God.

Bill: So, what the dealio?

Morris: Jack escaped captivity.

Bill: Jack was kidnapped?

Chloe: YES! You were told this a few minutes ago…BY ME!

Bill: I wasn't here.

Chloe: Yes, you were!

Morris: You were here, Bill. She fully told you.

Bill: I don't pay any attention to what's going on. I'm usually in my office getting high.

Milo: You know, that explains so much.

Chloe: Bill! We have a madman running around town like he's King Kong and you just get high!

Bill: If he was like King Kong, he would be killed at the end of the movie.

Chloe: You are retarded.

Bill: (blushing) Well, I don't know about retarded.

Morris: People, please! The point of this conversation is that Jack Bauer is alive and kicking. The next step is what do we do next?

Bill: Since Jack Bauer hasn't called for a while, we can hire someone else…like Chuck Norris!

Chloe: No.

Bill: Jean Claude Van Damme?

Chloe: No.

Bill: Vin Diesel?

Chloe: Bill! No!

Bill: Steven Segal?

Chloe: We're sticking with Jack Bauer, Bill! He's gotten us this far and we don't need someone else to help us.

Bill: That's why I suggested Steven Segal! He's not going to do anything, he's just going to stand there like a dirty dishrag.

Morris: Like Lindsey Lohan?

Bill: Precisely.

Chloe: Whatever the case we are not going to hire anybody!

Bill: But Mom…

Chloe: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

Bill: (pouts) Fine. (walks away)

Milo: I'll go talk to him. (walks away)

Chloe: (puts her cell phone on her desk) Now to wait for Jack.

Morris: You do that. (pulls out locket and opens it) Oh Jack. I will wait for you too. And you can hold me in your big strong arms.

Chloe: Did you say something?

Morris: (puts away locket) No, I did naht!

Chloe: Also, here's another question. Weren't you getting slaughtered by Ash Williams?

Morris: Yeah, but the whole bloodbath thing was only a cover.

Chloe: A cover? For what?

_FLASHBACK_

Morris and Ash are in bed together…

**At the editor desk…sorry? Outside the editor's desk**

Me: (running away) WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?

Editor: (shoots a double barreled shotgun around) I'M GONNA KILL YOU NOW! I GAVE YOU A WARNING, YOU BASTARD!

Me: (takes out death notebook) HA! You can't touch me! (book gets shot out of hands) Aww, crap.

Editor: YOU WILL DIE! (shoots the gun)

Me: MY LEG! (falls) You shot my leg!

Editor: Now…for your face.

Me: NOOOOO!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: That is what's going to happen if you don't stop putting people in sexual positions.

Me: Didn't that happen to my brother?

Editor: You don't have a brother.

Me: (looks at reader)

**Back to the story**

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Chloe: What the Hell? That is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. And I've heard Rebecca Black backwards.

Morris: Groovy, isn't it?

Chloe: I've read a book about all the sexual positions ever made but I've never even heard of what you just described. What the Hell is The Internet position?

Morris: It's when if you're the guy and you…

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Oh…Oh….OH GOD! (flips through pages) OH SWEET JESUS CHRIST! (throws script on desk) I'm going to…OH NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! AWWWWW DAMN! What the Hell?

Me: It's a new sexual deviation to the world.

Editor: But you're putting this in something that the public will be watching?

Me: I forget that my script is going to be a TV show.

Editor: I don't know how that happens.

**Back to the story**

Chloe: Wow. That sounds odd.

Morris: Want to try it out?

Chloe: (shrugs) Alright.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: NOOOO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

**Back to the story**

Morris: It only works for guys.

Chloe: Then why did you ask me if I wanted to try it?

Morris: Because I keep forgetting that you're a woman.

Chloe: Grrrr.

Morris: That's a man thing to do.

Chloe: Just for that. No cake.

Morris: Awww, come on!

**3: 25 am**

Dexter is in the room where he is pondering what had happened a few moments ago, his weapons bag beside him. Suddenly, Saddam and Heath walk in the room.

Saddam: Well done, Mr. Morgan. We have disposed of Jack.

Dexter: Yes…but at what cost?

Saddam: $4000 dollars that are all yours.

Dexter: It's not worth it. Consider this my last last mission.

Saddam: Okay.

Dexter: Promise me.

Saddam: Fine. (holds out a pinky) Pinky swear?

Dexter: (takes out a knife and chops Saddam pinky off) Pinky swear. (picks up Saddam's pinky and puts it in his pocket)

Saddam: WHAT THE F-!

Dexter: This is what happens when I tell you I don't want to do something anymore. (leaves with bag)

Saddam: Allah Damn it! (covers his boo boo) IT'S MORE THAN A BOO BOO! This! Is! Sparta! (kicks a table) OW! MY FOOT! AAAHHHH!

_MEANWHILE_

Dexter goes into Saddam's car and drives off with it. A ghostly presence appears beside him.

Harry Morgan: Dexter. Why did you do that?

Dexter: It's because it's the code.

Harry: The code was kill the ones who deserve it. You just winged the terrorist.

Dexter: I know. But knowing how this story is playing out, Saddam will get his comeuppance.

Harry: I never heard you talk like that.

Dexter: That's karma. What goes around comes around. Saddam will get his, you watch.

Harry: No, I meant you've never said the word comeuppance.

Dexter: (looks around, nervous) Uh…uh…the Bat Signal. Got to go! (throws himself out of car)

Harry: Dexter! You can't leave me here!

Harry sees a sign in front of him: END OF ROAD.

Harry: I'M GOING TO DIE!

The car crashes through the sign and falls off a cliff. It hits the ground and it explodes, killing Harry Morgan.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Wasn't Harry ALREADY dead?

Me: (looks around, nervous) Uh…uh…the Bat Signal! Got to go. (swallows sleeping pill) ZZZZZZZZ.

Editor: You know. I'm not going to miss you.

**Back to the story**

Saddam is crying while Heath is bandaging his boy-toy's hand.

Saddam: Why would he do this to me? All I did was get him out of retirement! It's not killing anyone.

Heath pulls out pain pills from his pocket, swallows one-third of the bottle, and offers Saddam some.

Saddam: No thanks. There's no way that this pain can subside with those pills as quickly as I want them to.

Heath shrugs as he swallows the rest.

Saddam: Hey! A few more of those and you could be deader! Get it! HA!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Why do you make fun of dead people?

Me: Because it's fun! What are they going to do? Come back from the dead and kill me?

Suddenly, a song comes out of nowhere: Thriller. The walls burst open and in come zombies.

Editor: Well, see ya! (crashes through a window)

Me: NO! NO! NO!

In this particular group of zombies are: Heath Ledger, Saddam, Bea Arthur, John Lennon, Bernie Mac, Hillel Slovak, Leslie Nielson, Joan Rivers, Kurt Cobain, Layne Staley, Tupac, Notorious B.I.G, Charlie Chaplin, Elizabeth Taylor…

Me: Wait a minute…Joan Rivers! You aren't dead!

Joan: Wait until next year. Besides, I already look like a zombie so I figure…what the Hell.

The zombies come closer and closer.

Me: (backed into a corner) Don't come any closer! I have Scientology and I'm not afraid to use it!

Everyone starts laughing. Some zombies fall to their knees…which break in the process.

Me: (wiping a tear) Alright! Alright! WOW! I…LAWLS! I can't believe I said that! Okay, you know what? I'll die on that high note! Just kill me! (closing my eyes and someone grabs me) I'm a bit salty so… (opens eyes) What the…

Editor: What the Hell are you doing?

Me: It was a dream, wasn't it?

Editor: No.

The zombies appear from behind him.

Me: AAAAAAAAHHHHH! (closes eyes) AAAAAHHHHH! (opens eyes)

Editor: What's the matter?

Me: I don't know.

Green slime comes from the ceiling.

Me: What the Hell?

Editor: Funny, huh?

Me: Ha ha! You're dead. (takes out death note)

**Back to the story**

**3:31 am**

Jack is lying in the middle of the road, wondering what the Hell happened.

Jack: What the Hell happened?

He gets up and realizes that there are a whole bunch of cars in front of him. He goes to one of them, pulls the driver out and drives away with the car.

Jack: OH YEAH! I NEED TO BORROW YOUR VEHICLE! (pulls out cell phone, which is damaged completely) Dammit! (throws phone in backseat) I need to find a pay phone. But where can I get to one at this time of night?

After driving for miles and miles, driving for miles and miles, driving for miles and miles, he finds a pay phone.

Jack: Finally! Something I can use! Now to park this car!

The man barely escapes the car after flipping it over. The moment he gets out of it, a car plows right into it. Another does the same thing and so on and so on. Jack hears this but doesn't know what's going on behind him.

Jack: It must be the wind.

He goes into the phone booth and closes it behind him. He is about to pick up the phone when the phone itself rings. After realizing that he hadn't been drinking enough to end up in this situation, Jack picks it up.

Jack: Hello?

Voice: Hello, Mr. Bauer.

Jack: Who is this?

Voice: It's not important right now. What's important is your life at this moment.

Jack: Why do you have the same voice as I do?

Voice: Excuse me, Sir. I'm the one who asks the questions.

Jack: Screw this. I'm going to find another phone booth.

And with that, Jack hears a click on the phone. It sounds familiar and, when he realizes what it is, he stands still.

Voice: Ah. Now I have your attention. You do know that sound, don't you?

Jack: What do you want from me?

_MEANWHILE_

A man is performing at a concert when he stops. His guitarist looks at him.

Tommy Joe Ratliff: Are you alright?

Adam Lambert: I don't know.

_BACK TO THE STORY_

Voice: What I want is for you to stop lying. Take a step out of your ego and into who you really are.

Jack: Chuck Norris?

Voice: You and I both know that you're not Chuck Norris. You don't even know who Chuck Norris is.

Jack: That's supposed to be a secret.

Voice: It was written in your diary.

Jack: How did you…?

Voice: It's a blog, Jack. A place where EVERYONE can see it.

Jack: Oh right.

Voice: You have to tell the truth. Otherwise, you'll get it.

Jack: Get what?

Voice: Look down at your chest.

Jack looks at his chest and sees a red dot going up and down his chest, slowly.

Voice: I can kill you at any second.

Jack: But I have a terrorist to catch!

Voice: This has been going on for 20 hours. I don't even think it matters to anyone if you're gone for a little while.

_MEANWHILE_

Morris is holding his locket of Jack to his chest.

Morris: Oh Jack. Where art thou?

_BACK TO THE STORY_

Jack: Please, let me go.

Voice: Tell the truth, Stu…I mean, Jack.

There is a knock on the booth door, making Jack jump. Jack turns around to the person, making him scream in fear.

William Dafoe: Excuse me. Can I use this booth now? My car crashed into this huge dog pile and I need to call AA.

Voice: Get rid of him, Jack. (there is a red dot on Dafoe's forehead) Otherwise, I'll squash him like a bug right now.

Jack: Uhhh, you can't! I'm busy.

Voice: Say the word, Jackie. I can kill him.

Jack: Just go away, please! It's not safe for you here!

William: I know I'm a celebrity but come on! I'm not safe anywhere.

Jack: Just go!

William: Why should I go?

Voice: Tick tock, on the clock, Jackie!

Jack: Because I have herpes and I'm going to kill you at any moment, you beautiful man!

Voice: (laughing) You're really desperate, huh, Jack?

William: (backs away) You know what? I'll leave you to your devices. (walks away)

Jack: What do you want from me?

_MEANWHILE_

A man is…

Adam Lambert: OKAY! THEY GET IT! PLEASE MOVE FORWARD!

_BACK TO THE STORY_

Voice: I need you to tell the truth.

Jack: About what? TELL ME!

Voice: No. You have to tell me.

Jack: What do you want to know, dammit?

Voice: Dammit is my word, jackass.

_MEANWHILE_

An elderly man is having dinner when he stops eating. His wife looks at him.

Emma Leroy: What's wrong, sweetheart?

Oscar Leroy: I don't know. I feel like I've just been slandered.

_BACK TO THE STORY_

Voice: I need to know who you are.

Jack: My name is Jack Bauer. I work at CTU and this is the longest day of my life.

Voice: Not your name. I need to know who you are.

Jack: I'm a man. And I can change. If I have to. I guess.

Voice: I don't need to know what you need to do to better yourself. I just need to know who you are.

Jack: I am a repressed man with rage issues…along with some control issues.

Voice: I don't need you to describe yourself. I need to know who you are.

Jack: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE F*** YOU WANT ME TO SAY! LEAVE ME ALONE!

Another knock on the phone booth and Jack turns around.

Jack: WHAT THE F*** DO YOU WANT?

Forest Whittaker: I need you to calm down. I've been getting several complaints about you not letting William Dafoe use this booth.

Jack: Are you kidding? He tattled on me?

Forest: I need you to let someone else use this booth.

Jack: Doesn't anyone have cell phones anymore.

Forest: Well, some idiot made a bunch of cars crash in the middle of the road and their phones are destroyed.

Voice: Tell him to stay back.

Jack: Stay back! Please!

Forest: (steps back) I need you to let me in.

Jack: Leave me alone! You don't have to be involved in this!

Forest: Involved in what?

Voice: You're telling him too much.

Jack: You don't need to be involved in the situation I'm in! Just go away! Please!

Forest: I work for the police department. I can help you!

Jack: (whispers) Damn it. The police department is my one weakness.

Voice: Don't let him know that.

Jack: The situation is too much for the police!

Forest: Nothing is too big for the department!

A small gathering of people slowly makes its way toward Jack and the phone booth.

Voice: Bauer, there are too many people here. Get rid of them.

Jack: STAY BACK! EVERYONE, STAY BACK!

Everyone backs away from the booth.

Voice: If you don't get their attention with your voice, put your hand up into the top of the booth.

Jack does this and feels around for it. He pulls something and puts his hand back to his side.

Jack: It's a pistol!

Voice: Right, Jackie Boy! Now, if you don't do what I say, I will kill you.

Jack: Great! Does everyone want me dead?

**3:40 am**

Back at CTU, Chloe is working at her desk when Bill comes along.

Bill: Hey Chloe! Remember that time when you told me to hire someone else if Jack is no longer here?

Chloe: I remember saying NOT to do it.

Bill: Well, I'd like you to meet our new guy…a psychic.

Chloe: A psychic? REALLY?

Bill: Come on! I'd like you to meet him!

Chloe: Bill, this is low even for you! Even though I kept telling you not to get anyone else, you still do!

_MEANWHILE_

Two guys are in the CTU kitchen.

Gus: Shawn, I can't believe we are actually at CTU! I thought this place didn't exist!

Shawn Spencer: Well, Gus. With my psychic abilities, I can pretty much do anything anywhere!

Gus: But you can't manage to get my car back.

Shawn: Look, I told you! When I find the chop shop place again, I will get your car back.

Gus: Chop shop! You said it was a repair shop! You lied to me, Shawn! You lied!

Shawn: Here they come! Act natural…like a black guy would.

Gus gives him a weird look as Chloe and Bill come in the picture.

Bill: Shawn, Gus, meet Chloe.

Chloe: (shakes Gus's hand) Nice to meet you! (shakes Shawn's hand) I hope what Bill said was true.

Shawn: That you (closes his eyes and rubs his forehead and opens eyes again) had plastic surgery on your face!

Chloe: I never told anyone that! How did you know?

Gus: Bill's blog.

Chloe turns to Bill, takes out a pistol and shoots him. Bill falls to the floor.

Chloe: Does anyone else know about the surgery?

Shawn: Not to my extent.

Chloe: Good.

Gus: Is he going to be okay?

Chloe: Yeah. It's only a paintball gun, he'll be up and running in a few minutes.

Milo comes in the kitchen.

Milo: Hey! Aren't you that idiot who gave his car to a chop shop?

Shawn takes the gun out of Chloe's hand and shoots Milo.

Milo: Awww, come on! (passes out)

Chloe: Come with me.

The three of them go to Chloe's desk.

Chloe: We need you to find a missing agent. His name is Jack Bauer. He is our top priority. We need him because he has to find Saddam.

Gus: Couldn't you just use Shawn's psychic abilities to find Saddam. It cuts the time by about four hours.

Chloe: And then what, Gus? And then what?

Shawn: We get paid?

Chloe: (takes out a picture of Jack out of her desk) This is who we're looking for.

Shawn: (takes picture) He seems kind of cute. Gus, he's your type!

Gus: Not here, not now, not ever, Shawn.

Shawn: You got to love the hair! It's not as good as mine but it's up in my top 5.

Gus: I see that you have so many repressions that you have to take care of.

Chloe: So, can you help us find Jack?

Shawn: Do hedgehogs eat chili dogs?

Chloe gives Shawn a puzzled look.

Gus: I keep telling you, hedgehogs do not eat chili dogs! Sonic is a cartoon!

Shawn: Yeah. Next you'll tell me that there's no Santa.

Chloe: So will you help us in this little time that you'll here in this story?

Shawn: Stand back! My abilities will overpower me!

Shawn looks up and sees a TV that is on. He squints and his vision becomes clearer. He sees a news channel showing a phone booth…with Jack looking out of it, scared.

Shawn: OH! (jumps on Chloe's desk) THE SPIRITS ARE TELLING ME SOMETHING! (jumps off Chloe's desk) OH GOD! (does the Running Man) What is it, spirits? What are you telling me? Big rectangle? Tall but enough to fit three people…two…ONE! One person is in it? You can use it to call…people!

Gus: A phone booth!

Shawn: YES! YES! YES! (falls to the floor) PRAISE JESUS!

Chloe: Jack is in a phone booth.

Shawn: And I'm sensing that he's in trouble.

Morris suddenly comes out of nowhere.

Morris: Chloe! OMG! (looks at Gus) Well, hello beautiful.

Shawn: Looks like someone has a crush on you!

Gus: Not funny, Shawn! My good looks can attract any guy! Gay or straight.

Chloe: None of us really know what his sexual orientation is. This is Morris. Morris, this is Gus and Shawn.

Morris: (checks out Gus) Well, well. Looks like I have two sexy people to work with.

Shawn: What about me? I'm better looking!

Morris: (looks at Shawn) And you are?

Gus: He's with me.

Morris: Groovy.

_MEANWHILE…_

Ash: PLEASE! MOVE! FORWARD!

_BACK TO THE STORY_

Chloe: What do you want, Morris?

Morris: Jack's on the news! He's in a phone booth and he won't come out.

Chloe: (looks at Shawn) I'm impressed.

Shawn: It's what I do.

Chloe: Jack is in a phone booth!

Morris: Yeah! It was like that movie where the guy was in a _phone booth_ and there was a guy calling to the _phone booth_. The guy said that if he escaped the _phone booth_, he would kill the person, so there is this commotion around the _phone booth_ and everyone tells him to get out of the _phone booth_ but he couldn't get out of the _phone booth_, otherwise he would die. I think the movie was called Black Swan.

Gus: Why are there news reports on a guy in a phone booth at 3 am? Don't they have bigger news than this?

Chloe: The only other big news is the Mayor is having an affair but that's not really news.

Shawn: Does Chuck Norris count as big news.

Gus: Obviously.

Milo and Bill walk in on the scene.

Bill: Hey, y'all. Sniggedy diggedy.

Chloe gets out her gun and shoots Bill again, making him pass out.

Morris: I'm sorry. How does a paintball gun make people pass out?

Chloe shoots her gun at Morris, making him pass out.

Milo: Ooookay. Who are these guys and what's the situation?

Chloe: This is Gus and Shawn. They helped us find Jack, which leads us to our situation: He's on the news.

Milo: Again? Did he learn that getting drunk and robbing convenience stores in the middle of the night get you on the news?

Chloe: No not that…wait, what? Anyways, he's in a phone booth and he wouldn't come out.

Milo: I guess that's what happens when you spend the last 20 hours looking for something that avoids you consistently. (looks up in the air, dramatic music comes out of nowhere) My lost love is lost forever. I will find you, my love. (looks back at Chloe, music stops) And that's how I met your mother.

Chloe: Your drug abuse has become so hard to handle.

Milo: So what do we do about these guys?

Chloe: (goes into Bill's pocket and takes out Bill's wallet) Hold on, you guys. (takes out $900) Here's your pay. (takes our his credit card) Here's for all the trouble.

Shawn: Sweet! We can buy anything with this card!

Gus: First, you owe me a car!

Shawn: Don't worry! I know the perfect place to buy you a car. There's a similar car that you used to have at a car shop nearby.

As the two walk away, Chloe turns on a nearby television set and watch the news report.

Chet: My name is Chet Youbetcha, here at Channel 6 News! We have breaking news to report. An unknown man will not come out of the phone booth. He is being extremely rude and irritating and he should be administered fourteen lashes! We can all make it look like suicide. Excuse me, young lady! What do you think about this stand-off?

Lady: That's not a real camera, Sir.

Chet: (slaps the woman) This is Chet Youbetcha saying good night, America!

Lady: We're not in America.

Chloe turns off the TV.

Milo: This is going absolutely fine.

Chloe: Jack's in trouble, Saddam's on the loose, what could be any worse?

**3:49 am**

Dexter is walking along the road, bruised from the recent car crash. He puts out his thumb for oncoming cars while The Incredible Hulk theme song plays in his head.

Dexter: (sings) How could this happen to me? I made my mistakes? Got nowhere to run. Life goes on and I'm fading away.

Bored, the killer takes out Saddam's pinky out of his pocket and tosses it up and down. He is about to toss it up again when he notices something odd. He takes a closer look at the missing digit.

Dexter: Oh my God.

An oncoming car goes toward him and he signals for it to stop for him: It does. He goes inside it.

Dexter: CTU! And step on it! Before the chapter ends!

The car drives away.

**3:50 am**

About 400 people are near Jack, who is frightened.

Voice: Look at all these people! All watching what you're going to do next.

Jack: What do you want from me?

Voice: Just tell me who you are.

Jack: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE F*** THAT MEANS! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Voice: Who are you?

Jack: LISTEN TO ME! I WILL FIND YOU AND KILL YOU!

Voice: I don't think you have the guts.

Jack: Oh really?

And with that, Jack hangs up the phone and walks out of the phone booth.

Forest: Sir! Hold on!

Jack: NO! I WILL NOT HOLD ON! I WILL NOT HOLD ON! F*** YOU PEOPLE! AND F*** ALL OF YOUR MOTHERS! AND-

Before he could finish the next sentence, Jack gets shot in the chest, making him fall to the ground. People are screaming and running around in circles. A man taps a screaming woman and shows her a book.

Man: IT'S A COOKBOOK! IT'S A COOKBOOK!

Woman: GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY!

Forest goes to Jack.

Forest: Damn it.

**3:53 am**

There are split screens. Forest is kneeling beside a shot Jack. Saddam and Heath are sitting in their car, looking towards them, in silence.

Bill and Milo wake up.

Bill: What happened?

Chloe: You slipped on an ice cube and destroyed your body.

Milo: Been there.

Bill: So, what's going on?

Morris: Jack's in a phone booth and he refuses to come out of it.

Bill: Oh boo hoo. Cry me a river.

While Milo, Chloe and Bill are arguing, Morris turns away and takes out his locket. He opens it to the picture of Jack.

Morris: Oh Jack. I'll cry you a river. I'll cry you one that's so far and wide, that we can swim through it. Together we can rule the world!

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Morris: (hugs locket) Oh Jack!

Heavy breathing is heard behind him. He knows it is Milo so he punches his co-worker in the face, knocking him out…again.

Chloe: How are we going to find Saddam?

Bill: I don't know.

Suddenly, there is a crash nearby. Everybody goes to see what it is: a car has crashed through the walls. A man with red hair comes out of the car.

Dexter: Thanks for the ride!

The car honks as it drives away. The red head goes to the CTU team.

Morris: Who are you and is there more of you?

Dexter: My name is Dexter Morgan.

Chloe: Can we help you with anything?

Dexter: Yes. I know your friend Jack Bauer for reasons I don't want to say.

Morris: Is it something dirty?

Dexter: Sure, let's leave it at that. I found out some information on him, like knowing that he works at CTU and is trying to find Saddam.

Bill: Can you get to the point? We have work to do, even though I'm not doing anything.

Dexter: (takes out Saddam's pinky) This is Saddam's pinky.

Morris: So? (points to his shirt) That's a shirt. (points to the ground) That's a floor. (pulls out Green Hornet DVD) This is a stupid stupid movie.

Dexter: (passes pinky to Chloe) Look closely.

Chloe: (inspects it) Oh my God. This changes everything. (passes it to Morris)

Morris: If only we'd known about this sooner.

Dexter: I cut it off half an hour ago.

Chloe: How did you cut off Saddam's finger? Were you closer to him than any of us here?

Dexter: I can't answer that. All I have to say is good luck. (walks away…then runs away)

Bill: (takes pinky from Morris) Our whole investigation has taken a new turn.

**3:59:57**

**3:59:58**

**3:59:59**

**4:00:00**

**Next time on 24: The True E! Hollywood Edition**

By the time the middle of the 3rd season, Jack Bauer was completely wasted all the time.

Chloe: He was so out of focus that they had to shoot around him.

Morris: He always smelt like urinated whiskey.

Jack: By the time I got around to work, I lost all control of my bodily functions.

Finally, the producers had enough of Jack and fired him through an email. Will Jack ever find work again? Tune in next time for **24: The True E! Hollywood Edition **


	21. Chapter 21

DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN ANY 24 CHARACTERS! PLEASE ENJOY OR READ SOMETHING ELSE…preferring Marcen12.

**Previously on You Can't Do That On Mad Ray!**

There is a wall of lockers and people come out of them.

Jack: (comes out of one of them) Hey, Chloe?

Chloe: (comes out of another) Yeah, Jack?

Jack: Have you ever tried computer dating?

Chloe: No, have you?

Jack: I think it's ridiculous.

Chloe: Why?

Jack: Who wants to date a computer?

They both go back into their lockers and two other people appear out of two lockers.

Saddam: Hey, Heath?

Heath nods.

Saddam: Did you hear about the Morgans?

Heath shook his head.

Saddam: Of course not! You're deaf! HA!

**Then…**

Morris is chained to a wall in a dungeon where a guard is watching over him.

Guard: We will whip you into despair.

Morris: No problem with me.

Guard: We will make you go without eating for hours and hours on end.

Morris: Like I haven't done that before.

Guard: Then we're going to make you drink Vanilla Coke.

Morris: NOOOOOOOOO!

**After…**

Bill and Milo are at a disgusting restaurant.

Bill: Milo, this food is disgusting!

Milo: This isn't food, Bill. It's an investigation. (walks away)

Bill: This isn't CSI: Miami, you idiot!

A man comes up to Bill.

Mort: Can I take your order?

Bill: Two suicide pills, please?

**Finally…**

Audrey is talking with the UN Senator.

Senator: Audrey, if you were to be President, what changes would you make in the country and in what ways would you do it?

Audrey: I don't know.

Green smile comes from the ceiling and goes all over her…then she explodes.

_MEANWHILE_

The CTU is laughing at this.

All: DING DONG, THE WITCH IS DEAD!

Jack: Break it down!

Morris beat boxes, horribly, as Jack does the Hammer and then proceeds to do the Running Man, followed by an assortment of break dancing moves. The picture to this scene then becomes transparent, turning whiter and whiter and whiter until it cannot be seen.

_**The following takes place between 4:00 am to 5:00 am**_

**4:00 am**

Saddam and Heath are sitting quietly in the car, which is on top of a hill.

Saddam: Life…what is it? Is it what we live or how we live? Nobody cares and I'm dying. (looks at Heath) I don't the results of the tests today…I definitely have breast cancer.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Wow. What an accomplishment.

Me: I know! I'm good, right?

Editor: Oh, you're absolutely amazing. The first line of dialogue makes me want to lobotomize myself.

Me: But we need to address breast cancer. It's a common everyday thing!

Editor: I want to kill you. I seriously want to jump over this desk and strangle you to death with my bare hands. I want to chop your body up and eat it up.

Me: I'm not edible!

Editor: Your stupidity just astounds me beyond the universe.

**Back to the story**

Saddam: I feel like dying. What more can I do with just nine fingers? Don't answer that, Heath, my love. I know I watched 127 Hours and that man is an inspiration to us all, especially me, Bender- I mean, Saddam!

Heath smiles and kisses his lover on the cheek.

Saddam: Awww, Heath. What will I ever do without you? (sighs) So, what do we do about the girl in the trunk? (thinks) We'll dump her body in the ocean. No one will have to know…now, what to do about Jack's daughter…

Heath takes out a piece of paper out of the car's glove and gives it to Saddam.

Saddam: (takes the paper) Of course…the plan. The master plan. (looks at it) Yes, yes. This is good.

Heath takes out a bottle of vitamins and starts chewing them.

Saddam: Heath, this is big.

A knock is heard coming from the trunk.

Saddam: QUIET BACK THERE! YOU ALREADY HAD A PISS BREAK! (looks at Heath) Women. Can't live with them, can't live with them.

Heath swallows the rest of the vitamins.

Saddam: I wish I were more like you. You know, carefree and talented. I wonder why you went to Hell.

Heath shrugs as he goes into the glove compartment and takes out a jar of pain pills.

Saddam: Now Jack Bauer will think twice before getting in my way…because this time, it's personal. Get it? I have his daughter he will have to go through me to get to her! Meaning he will be in my way so I can kill him! HA!

Heath giggles as the knocks from the back of the trunk becomes louder and more frequent.

Saddam: That noise sounds like African music.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: You are the Jar Jar Binks of racism.

Me: But I'm black!

Editor: My point exactly.

**4:06 am**

Chloe, Bill, Morris and Milo are all looking at Saddam's severed finger.

Bill: Wow. I can say we didn't see this coming.

Chloe: What? The fact that someone who doesn't work here was close enough to Saddam to get his finger?

Bill: No but that does make us look bad.

Milo: How does what we're seeing right now add up?

Morris: I don't know. We've been here for almost a full 21 hours and we haven't looked forward to this.

Bill: This is disgusting. Why are we seeing a severed finger?

Chloe: Bill, LOOK at it! Doesn't it seem odd to you?

Bill: (looks closely) Oh my God! You're right! Morris, get this to the lab!

Morris: We have a lab?

Bill: Of course we do. His name is Rover.

Chloe: I think he means laboratory.

Milo: We have a laboratory?

Chloe: Yes. It's next to the bathrooms.

Bill: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa. Chloe, we-whoa. Chloe, we have BATHROOMS?

Chloe: Bill, you've worked here longer than I have…where do you go to the bathroom?

Bill: In that scientific place where they do all these experiments.

Chloe: That's the laboratory!

Morris: This finally makes sense…wait. No it doesn't.

Chloe: Somebody just please take this finger to the laboratory so we could get some questions answered!

Milo: Sure thing! (takes the finger and walks away with it)

Morris: I almost don't know what we're talking about.

Chloe: Good thing we know about it now.

Morris: And knowing is half the battle.

Bill: That reminds me…aren't we forgetting something?

Morris: Nope, I would've remembered something by now.

**4:09 am**

Forest Whittaker is riding at the back of an ambulance, looking over a body bag in sadness.

Forest: If only I knew what your deal was. If only you could talk to me. If only you weren't dead.

Voice: (comes from body bag) I'm not dead.

Forest: It's like I can hear your voice.

Voice: I'm talking to you right now.

Forest: Nothing will ever be the same again.

Suddenly, the body bag sits up. Forest screams.

Voice: I'm not dead.

Forest: (takes out gun) ZOMBIE! (shoots several times)

The body bag unzips and out comes Jack.

Forest: How are you still alive? You've just been shot.

Jack: I was wearing a bulletproof vest.

Forest: (looks at chest) But you're not wearing a…

Jack: What's going on?

Forest: I could ask you the same thing.

Jack: I was in a phone booth and someone called me saying if I get out of it, he'll shoot me.

Forest: Why didn't you tell me about it?

Jack: If I did, he would've killed me.

Forest: Oh yeah. So, how did you get in the situation?

Jack: I have to find Saddam Hussein because he has my daughter.

Forest: Wait, YOU'RE looking for Saddam? He's been playing hide and seek from the world!

Jack: I know! That's why I have to find him before he knows I'm alive.

Forest: I guess those news cameras were good enough to do something out.

Jack: Actually, he hired somebody to kill me but then he let me go. Technically, he thought I was dead before the whole phone booth thing happened.

Forest: I guess that's lucky for you.

Jack: Can I use your phone?

Forest: (gives him his cell phone) You better hurry. I only have one bar.

Jack: (calls number) Come on. Pick up. Pick up!

_MEANWHILE_

Chloe and Morris are watching the news on TV, thinking that the reports are true: Jack is dead.

Morris: It finally happened. A day that I never knew would come.

Chloe: Jack's dead? But…nothing makes sense anymore.

Chloe's office phone rings but Morris picks it up.

Morris: Hello?

Jack's split screen appears beside Morris.

Jack: Morris, I need you to listen…

Morris: Who is this?

Jack: It's Jack.

Morris: But you're dead! The news said so…am I talking to a ghost?

Jack: No, the news thinks I'm dead!

Chloe: Morris, who are you talking to?

Morris Jack's ghost! He can communicate with us through the dead! I knew if I believed in Satanism something would happen! I only had to believe! Let's see if I could fly! (drops phone and runs away)

Chloe: (takes phone) Jack?

Jack: Chloe, I'm okay. I…

Chloe: Jack, we have some new information about Saddam. It's going to surprise you.

Jack: I've been shot in a phone booth AND I'm using a complete idiot's cell phone.

Forest: Remember, I'm letting you use my phone.

Chloe: But, Jack…this is really important…

Jack: You can tell me later! I need you to find Saddam! Use every available source that you can find to track that idiot down!

Chloe: Yes, yes! I will! But I have to tell you something about him.

Jack: Hello? (looks at his phone: LOW BATTERY) I can't hear you.

Chloe: Saddam is…he's…

Jack: Chloe? I can't hear you! Hello?

The phone finally dies.

Jack: (gives phone back to Forest) It's dead. Oh well. What she had to say wasn't that important.

Forest: So, what now.

Jack: Saddam thinks I've been dead for a while. While he thinks I'm dead, I'll go find him, kill him and rescue my daughter.

Forest: Also, I'll look into who shot you.

Jack: Don't worry. I'm sure me being involved in that booth was just filler. It's not going to connect to what the real issue is. Most of what's happening doesn't.

Forest: You got me there.

Jack: I need to get out of here.

Forest: Are you sure you're good enough to walk?

Jack: Yep.

Forest: (calls out to driver) Stop the vehicle!

The vehicle stops and Jack gets out the back door of it and starts walking.

Forest: Jack!

Jack: (turns to Forest) Yeah?

Forest: Good luck.

Jack nods as Forest closes the ambulance doors and it drives off.

Jack: Awww crap! I could've gotten a lift to CTU! Sigh. Better start walking. (starts walking) I walk a lonely road…

**4:14 am**

Chloe tries to call back Jack by hitting redial but there is no answering.

Chloe: Damn it, Jack. I need to tell you what's important here.

Milo: (walks to Chloe) Maybe it's a tumor.

Chloe: What does this have to do with me calling Jack?

Milo: (looks around, nervous) Uhh…umm…the Bat Signal. Got to go! (runs through a nearby window)

Morris: (walks up to Chloe) Trying to call Jack?

Chloe: Yes but he's not answering.

Morris: Maybe it's because he's out of range.

Chloe: Then how come when I called him when he was out of this country, my connection was fine?

Morris: You know, if you keep picking out all the plot holes, we're going to be here all day.

Chloe: Good point.

Milo: (comes to the two people) Hi, still trying to find Jack?

Chloe: How do you know Jack's alive first of all? You weren't with us when Jack called.

Milo: Jack was dead?

Morris: So much for consistency.

Chloe: We found out that Jack is alive when he called us. We have to keep it quiet because Jack needs to find Saddam without Saddam knowing he's alive.

Morris: Doesn't Saddam watch the news? He should know that Jack WAS alive in that whole phone booth news report.

Chloe: Didn't you just tell me not to pick out all the plot holes, you hypocrite.

Morris: I'll just be in the corner. (walks into a corner and takes out locket) Oh Jack. I wish you were with me right now. I could tell you how much I love you. And, yet, I hate you. And. yet, I love you. And, yet, I hate you.

Chloe and Milo look at Morris doing these things.

Chloe: I'm pretty sure that Morris is off his bipolar medication.

Milo: I don't think bipolar works this way. That is straight up manic.

Chloe: Isn't manic part of bipolar disorder?

Milo: I don't know. I'll ask Morris.

Milo walks up to Morris and begins to have trouble breathing.

Milo: Damn asthma.

Milo resorts to deep breathing and, before he could say anything, Morris punches Milo in the face, knocking him out cold.

Bill: (walks to Chloe) Milo got knocked out again.

Chloe: Yep.

Bill: Why does that not faze me? So, what's up?

Chloe: I have to call Jack. (redials phone)

Bill: (takes phone away) I don't think so. Forget about Jack right now. We have the tests back from the laboratory?

Chloe: Who works there anyway? There's no mention about anyone working there so far and, yet, we get test results.

Bill: Yes, now stop interrupting me. I got the results of the test. I definitely have breast cancer.

Chloe: Bill…

Bill: Okay, that's not true. However, our suspicions about Saddam's finger are confirmed.

Chloe: Question: Why did we need lab results when our suspicions were 100% in the first place? No one really asked for the lab tests.

Bill: CALM DOWN, CHLOE! I mean, Jesus Christ! You have to learn what really is life and death.

Chloe: I'm okay.

Bill: For the last time, Chloe, CALM DOWN!

Chloe: I'M CALM!

Bill gets out a tazer and shocks Chloe. A talking monkey with a big helmet walks up to Bill.

Bill: Did I do good, Sir?

Mojo Jojo: You did very good.

Bill: Should I kill her now?

Mojo: No, you need her.

Bill: But you taught me to…and those three little girls…

Mojo: Don't do it.

Bill: But you're wearing Nike shoes. Don't you mean "Just Do It"?

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (singing through Thriller beat) 'Cuz this is filler! Filler time! 24 chapters are too big for your "creative" mind. WHOO-HOO! Filler time!

Me: How did you know what I was doing?

Editor: You have Bill tazer Morris and a talking monkey telling him not to kill him.

Me: But talking monkeys are cool.

Editor: But you hate monkeys.

Me: I know! That's why they're so cool!

Editor: Oh God. It's like talking to a horse's vagina.

Me: Before you read on, there's one thing I want you to remember.

Editor: What?

Me: Two mice fall into a bucket of cream. One of them drowned. The other struggled and then drowned…moral of the story is to not fall into a bucket of cream.

Editor: Anything else…before I kill you?

Me: Why do you want to kill me? I'm a comedic genius! I don't think YOU know what's funny.

Editor: No, I have a pretty sure idea what's funny.

Me: Oh yeah? Do you know what the one true thing that makes up the factor of comedy is?

Silence.

**Back to the story**

Bill drags Chloe's body to hide it when…

**At the editor's desk**

Me: TIMING!

Silence.

**Back to the story**

…when Morris walks beside Bill.

Morris: Hi Bill. (looks at Chloe) Drugged her? Been there. Did it once…or seven…and I never hear the end of it. Put her in the closet filled with those back up field agents. She won't remember what she did when she wakes up and she'll thinks she killed all those agents.

Bill: You just said that she won't remember anything, yet, she screamed at you for what happened the last times.

Morris: (looks around, nervous, take a pill out) Here, Bill. Love me again. (puts pill in Bill's mouth)

Bill: Oh God. This again… (faints)

Morris: (confused) That was just aspirin. (looks at watch) It's not breakfast yet. (shrugs) Oh well. (takes out a bottle of ether from pocket, drinks some of it, faints)

Milo: (comes in, looks around) Well, I'm not cleaning up this mess. (picks up small stones, knocks himself on the head, fainting)

**4:19 am**

Jack is walking a lonely road, the only one that he has ever known. He doesn't know where it goes but it's home to him and he walks alone. He walks this empty street on the boulevard of…something about dreams beings crushed. Suddenly, a car rushes beside him. Jack looks at the car and who the driver is…and he flips out.

Dexter: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on!

Jack: You kidnapped me!

Dexter: I was following orders!

Jack: And you went along with those orders! What are you, a sniper?

Dexter: Look, I have to talk to you about Saddam…

Jack: I won't trust anyone who either works for the bad guys I'm after or kidnaps me out of nowhere. In your case, you did both!

Dexter: But I want to help you!

Jack: No!

Dexter: I'll be your friend!

Jack: As tempting as that sounds…NO!

Dexter: Look, if I never helped you, I wouldn't have let you free and I would've killed you right then and there.

Jack: Here comes the guilt trip.

Dexter: But you've taught me the error of my ways.

Jack: That is the most stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Dexter: But there's something you need to know about Saddam.

Jack: I don't want to hear it! (puts fingers in his ears) Now I can't hear you! Nyah, nyah! I can't hear you!

Dexter: Then I have no choice. (gets out of his car, sticks a needle in Jack's neck)

Jack: HEY! (puts hand on neck) I felt that! (faints)

Dexter drags him in his car and drives away.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Jack's not good at this, is he? He can't go fifteen minutes without being shot at or kidnapped.

Me: But he's being kidnapped for a good reason this time.

Editor: Yeah, I understand that but he's gotten kidnapped so many times, he's just a damsel in distress.

Me: Aren't damsel in distresses women?

Editor: Isn't Jack a woman? If he isn't, you're doing a pretty good job of making him one.

Me: But he's not a woman. Name one damsel in distress who is a woman.

Editor: Robin from Batman. Have you seen Batman Forever?

Me: Point taken.

**Back to the story**

**4:21 am**

Saddam and Heath are still sitting in their car. Heath is swallowing a handful of pills.

Saddam: I'm having a major epiphany! It's probably because of my horrible mutation of my missing finger…I realize…I didn't want to be a terrorist. I wanted to be a dancer. I could be on Broadway! I could sing, sing, SING!

Saddam steps outside of the car and climbs on the roof. He starts to dance on it as Smooth Criminal starts playing.

Saddam: 'Cause this is Thriller! Thriller night!

Heath shakes his head as he swallows a bunch of other pills. Saddam jumps off of the car and starts break dancing.

Saddam: (rapping) What are you trying to be, some rapper in the game? Going yo, yo, yo! Yo gabber gabby!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (flips through pages) Oh sweet Jesus. This goes on for nine pages! Why is this so important?

Me: I want to show another side of Saddam. You know, the fun side of evil.

Editor: There is no fun side to evil.

Me: I KNOW! That's the beauty of (makes rainbow with hands) imagination.

Editor: Did I tell you how much you suck?

Me: Suck life? Then yes because I am a liver.

Editor: (pulls out gun) You'll be a dying man if this kind of crap continues.

**Back to the story**

Saddam finally finishes his dance routine and goes back into the car.

Saddam: So, honey, how did you like my dance moves?

Heath nods, hugs his boyfriend, kisses him on the cheek and smiles.

Saddam: So you did like it! Oh goody! I can sleep easily with your nonchalant comment.

Saddam goes to sleep as Heath goes into the glove compartment and takes out several empty pill containers. He finds one that is full and then he takes out something else. Heath looks at Saddam and swallows the pills.

**4:27 am**

The CTU team wakes up, putting ice packs on their heads.

Chloe: Why the Hell would you do that to me, Bill?

Bill: Damn, you do remember me doing that to you… (takes out another pill)

Morris: It ain't easy being white.

Everyone looks at Morris.

Milo: He's not wrong, you know.

Bill: Now, instead of agreeing about Morris's idiotic statement, we need to move on.

Morris: (holds head) I can't hear you, Bill! My headache is getting worse! Can I have that pill that you were offering Chloe?

Bill: Here's some Advil. (hands Morris a pill)

Morris: (takes it) Thanks! (swallows it) Now, let's get to business. We… (faints)

Bill: Wait…I didn't have any Advil, only roofies.

Milo: I'm not sure that's how you spell roofies.

Bill: Of course it…wait, what?

Chloe: People, focus! Jack called earlier and…

Milo: Shut up! Can't you see people are arguing?

Bill: Jack called?

Milo: No, Bill! Don't you dare change the subject!

Bill: Jack called? What the Hell happened?

Chloe: He says he got shot but he survived but he doesn't want anyone to know because of Saddam.

Bill: Doesn't Saddam know that Jack is dead, anyways? What's the point of proving it again?

Milo: (tasers Bill, who faints) I'm sorry, Chloe. He was using logic in this story. If he talked anymore, the whole universe would've blown up.

Chloe: May 21 2011 passed already.

Milo: Oh crap. (looks at Bill) Sorry.

Chloe: Well, at least it couldn't get any worse.

And, as old as the cliché gets with those words, something happens. The front door opens and in comes two people.

Milo: Who the Hell are you guys?

Scully: Agent Scully and this is Mulder. FBI.

**At the editor's desk**

Me: Edgy, isn't it?

Editor: (aims pistol) Goodbye. (shoots)

**Back to the story**

Chloe: What are you guys doing here?

Mulder: We've heard about the situation about Saddam's finger?

Milo: How did you hear about that?

Scully: Your boss called us a few minutes ago.

Chloe: That's impossible. I few minutes ago, none of us were conscious.

Mulder: (looks at Scully) You hear that, Scully. None of them were conscious. I wonder why. Could there be a greater presence before us?

Milo: You hear that, Chloe? I'm a greater presence.

Scully: Are you telling me that aliens came here and made everyone here lose consciousness?

Mulder: Correct.

Chloe: What do you know, Milo! They were talking about you!

Scully: There is a logical explanation for all this. For all we know, some idiotic force did something to them.

Chloe: I think calling Bill and Morris idiotic forces is an insult to all idiotic forces.

Mulder: What if that idiotic force were aliens. Aliens from…

Scully: Don't say it, Scully.

Mulder: Uranus!

Scully: Real mature.

Milo: So, why the Hell are you guys here!

Scully: You people haven't been doing anything to advance the plot.

Chloe: I've TRIED to but everyone here is an idiot.

Milo: She's wright! Every1 here is an idiot.

Mulder: First of all, you spelled RIGHT and EVERYONE wrong. Second of all, your disappearance of your fearless leader…

Milo: Bill is right here. (points to an unconscious Bill)

Scully: No, we meant FEARLESS leader. Jack Bauer.

Chloe and Milo look at each other.

Chloe: He didn't disappear, he was murdered.

YEAAAAAHHHHH!

Chloe: Well, that was completely pointless.

Scully: Mr. Bauer was murdered?

Milo: Correct.

Mulder: Was it by something that you couldn't describe?

Scully: It wasn't aliens, damn it!

Milo: Why don't you two just screw each other?

Mulder: Well. We…

Scully: Quiet, you.

Chloe: I'm sorry, we're getting off topic…

Milo: Hey, I love that place!

Chloe tazers Milo, causing him to faint.

Chloe: I'm sorry, again, why are you here.

Mulder: You people aren't advancing the plot. We're taking over CTU.

Chloe: What? Why?

Scully: He just told you. You people aren't advancing the plot.

Chloe: Don't you people work at the FBI?

Mulder: What do you mean, you people?

Chloe: Don't start with that "joke".

Mulder: We believe that Saddam is not from here.

Chloe: Yeah, we know he's not American. We can all tell.

Mulder: No…we mean he's not from this planet.

Chloe: Oh God. This is shark jumping territory.

Scully: And when he means WE believe, it means that HE believes.

Mulder: Oh come on, Scully. Get hip with it.

Chloe: That sounds so outdated.

Scully: I've been telling him that for years.

Mulder: I shall make that a catchphrase.

Chloe: So are you, Mulder, telling me, Chloe, that he, Saddam, is an alien while she, Scully, doesn't believe in what you, Mulder, are saying?

Mulder: Correct.

Chloe: Agent Mulder. Agent Scully. Congratulations. You have officially been a part of the biggest shark jumping event since Indiana Jones and Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls.

Mulder: But there were aliens in that movie. What if there is something out there.

Mulder gets tasered and he faints.

Scully: Thank you.

Chloe: Anytime. Continue.

Scully: Well, what Mulder said was the jest of it.

Chloe: Do you have anything to add?

Scully: Yeah. Both of us have a bet. I say Saddam is NOT an alien but Mulder believes.

Chloe: Uhhhhh….

Scully: Don't worry. We've been at this kind of thing for years.

Chloe: And have you ever gotten a straight answer?

Scully: Mulder makes it more complicated than it needs to be. One time, there was something about a bunch of pilots at an air force and some of them weren't the same when they came out. I say it was a kidnapping but Mulder…

Chloe: I'll agree with you because Mulder is absolutely crazy.

Scully: That's my boyfriend you're talking about.

Chloe: I'm sorry?

Scully: Sorry. Forget about what I said.

Chloe: So what's going to happen to us at CTU?

Scully: You people will still keep your jobs here, only WE will be leading.

Chloe: So, Bill won't be our boss, only you two guys?

Scully: Correct.

Chloe: Will Mulder be helping?

Scully: Not really.

Chloe: Then sign me up.

Scully: There's a signup sheet?

Chloe: That's how Bill became boss.

_FLASHBACK_

**FOOTAGE NOT FOUND**

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Chloe: I could've sworn there was a flashback of that happening.

Mulder suddenly gets up.

Scully: HOLY HELL!

Mulder: Maybe some greater force took that flashback. Maybe…the truth is hiding…

Scully does karate chop to Mulder's neck, making him faint.

Chloe: Does that actually work?

Scully: He's always been a weakling.

_FLASHBACK_

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Chloe: Well, I am going to go back to work. (goes to her desk)

Scully: (looks around the room full of tasered bodies) This is going to be fun.

**4:36 am**

Jack slowly starts to wake up. He is sitting on the passenger's seat of a moving car. He realizes he's being kidnapped.

Jack: Where am I? (looks at driver) Okay, if you're here to get revenge on that thing I did last summer, get in line. A lot of people died that day. It was a horrible prank gone wrong! I was out of beads!

Dexter: What the Hell are you talking about?

Jack: What the Hell are YOU talking about?

Dexter: I never said anything.

Jack: Then why did you kidnap me again…wow, I'm really bad at this. I'm getting kidnapped every twelve minutes.

Dexter: Well, I have a good reason as why I kidnapped you.

Jack: You drugged me. Why should I listen to you?

Dexter: Remember: I worked for Saddam when I didn't want to.

Jack: Then why didn't you say no?

Dexter: Because he told me that the last time would be the last time but that last time turned out to be the second last time because of this time and he said this last time would be the very last time and I was pissed to do what I had to do this time because the last time was supposed to be the last time but then this time ended up being the last time.

Jack: Wow, that's a lot of angst.

Dexter: So, you get why I had to do this, right?

Jack: Yes! Of course! You kidnapping me to kill me, but you let me go, realize you need to tell me something so you drug me and kidnap me again. Sounds like a perfect plan. You know, for someone who was hired by Saddam, you sure are a bit of a dumbass.

Dexter stops the car and opens the passenger's door.

Dexter: Get the f*** out.

Jack: If I leave, then that whole kidnapping me for a second time was completely pointless.

Dexter: Goddammit. (closes door and continues driving)

Jack: So, Mr. Genius…

Dexter: The name is Dexter Morgan.

Jack: Fine…Dexter "I'm Completely Pointless" Morgan…if that's your real name.

Dexter: Some of that wasn't…

Jack: Why did you kidnap me?

Dexter: It's about Saddam!

Jack: Oh yeah, the guy who has my son.

Dexter: Son?

Jack: Well, a son who dresses up like a woman, talks like a woman and behaves like a woman.

Dexter: Anyways…I have to tell you about Saddam.

Jack: Go on.

Dexter: He's not exactly what you think he is.

Jack: OH! Let me guess! He's an alien from…

Dexter: Don't say it.

Jack: Uranus!

Dexter punches Jack out cold and continues driving.

Dexter: Awww, Dexter. You are such a dumbass.

Suddenly, a ghostly presence is behind him.

Harry Morgan: Dexter, why would you do that to someone really important?

Dexter: HOLY JESUS! YOU'RE STILL ALIVE?

Harry: No, I was dead the whole time…

Dexter: Stop following me! What do you want from me?

_MEANWHILE_

Adam Lambert: PLEASE! MOVE! FORWARD!

_BACK TO THE STORY_

Harry: I want you to think about what you're doing…

Dexter: Okay…I've kidnapped someone twice. Once to kill and another to inform. I knocked him out before I tell him important information and I'm being stalked by my father's ghost. Today is absolutely normal.

Harry: Don't look too much into it.

Dexter: I have to! You're stalking me! I killed you a while ago!

Harry: You can't kill a ghost!

Dexter: Not if I call Ghostbusters!

Harry: For the last time, they are not real!

Dexter: Yes, they are! (pulls out cell phone) I'll call them right now!

Harry: Don't make me come up there and possess your body!

Dexter: I'd like to see you try!

Harry's ghost goes into Dexter's body and Dexter begins to drive the car, erratically.

Dexter: GET OUT OF MY BODY!

Harry: Say, you're sorry.

Dexter: NEVER!

With Jack passed out in the passenger's seat, Dexter and Harry struggle with each other. They proceed to drive on the wrong side of traffic, barely missing oncoming cars.

Dexter: This isn't funny anymore.

Harry: Who says it was supposed to be funny in the first place? If I went down, you're coming down with me.

Dexter: You have to think of a better way to say that.

Harry: I'll kill us both!

Dexter: You're already dead!

Harry: I can be deader.

Dexter: I have to get Jack to Saddam!

Dexter tries hard to drive but it gets harder to do this since Harry has some control over his body movements.

Harry: You cannot win!

Dexter: I have to get there! Why are you doing this?

Harry: I'm here for your entertainment!

_MEANWHILE…_

Adam Lambert: Don't make me go Chris Brown on your ass.

_OKAY…_

Dexter continues driving, almost reaching his destination point.

Dexter: I'm almost there…

But, suddenly, Harry makes his son drive another direction…and making them crash into a building, making Dexter pass out. Harry gets out of his son's body.

Harry: Why does everything have to be so complicated?

_MEANWHILE_

Avril Lavigne: SON OF A BITCH! PLEASE! MOVE! FORWARD! GODDAMIT! IT'S LIKE THE WRITER OF THIS STORY WAS ON QUAALUDES!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Did you really write this?

Me: None of that is true. (looks around) Now, where are those Quaaludes?

**Back to the story**

**4:44 am**

Saddam and Heath are on the hood of their car, saying nothing. Saddam is looking at the soon-to-be sunny sky.

Saddam: Heath, I feel weird. It feels like…someone did something to me. I fell asleep and I don't feel the same right now.

Heath shrugged his shoulders and kissed his boyfriend.

Saddam: Maybe you're right. You stay here. I'll go see our hostage who was in our trunk for a while.

Heath nodded as Saddam got up and went to the trunk of their car. He opens it and sees Kim…passed out.

Saddam: Wake up! We have a plan to carry!

She doesn't move. Saddam shakes her violently but no response.

Saddam: OH F***! OH GOD! (checks her pulse) We are so screwed. (closes trunk) Heath!

Heath looks at Saddam.

Saddam: We have a problem.

Heath jumps off the hood and Saddam shows his boyfriend what has happened to Kim. After a few seconds, Heath goes into the trunk and pulls out two shovels, giving one to Saddam.

Saddam: We're burying her?

Heath nods as he walks away from the car and starts digging. Saddam comes over to help.

Saddam: We're screwed. We needed that girl to get to Jack! Now, he's going to kill us…which still means we'll get to Jack! HA HA! Two people are going to die! We'll kill two birds with one stone. (drops shovel) I'm so tired all of a sudden. I'm going to go in the car and sleep this off. (goes back to the car) Give me a uh wake cah cah!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Uh wake cah cah? What's uh wake cah cah?

Me: It's a wake-up call.

Editor: That's so stupid. You don't even know how to spell wake-up call properly.

**Back to the story**

Saddam suddenly passes out and Heath takes more pills. He looks at Saddam, takes Kim's body out of the trunk of the car and puts it on the ground. He takes a blanket and covers the blanket. He goes into the trunk and takes out a can of gasoline, putting the liquid all over the body. Heath takes a lighter out of his pocket and drops it on the gasoline soaked body, which immediately sets on fire. Heath, in slow motion, goes back to the car and sits beside Saddam. He takes out a screwdriver from the glove compartment and looks at Saddam. The back door of the car opens and closes. Heath looks at the mirror and nods his head to the figure that is in the car.

Figure: Sorry, I'm late. I had things to do.

**4:48 am**

EVERYONE at CTU has gained consciousness and has started to work again.

Milo: What idiotic force made me pass me again?

Chloe: You! Your idiotic gimmick made me tazer you.

Milo: Couldn't you just say you did it?

Chloe: I have a gun and I'm not afraid to use it.

Bill: (comes along) Hey, guys. Who are those two people and why are they staring at us?

Chloe: It's because they are from the FBI. They are Agents Scully and Mulder.

Bill: That answers my first question. My second question is: why are they staring at us?

Milo: Bill, I don't think they're staring at me or Chloe. I think they're staring at you.

Bill: I do get a lot of stares from all that modeling that I've done.

Morris: (comes along) Who is that sexy agent?

Chloe: That's Agent Scully.

Morris: I meant the man.

Bill: Hush! The Agents are coming our way! Act natural.

While Chloe does some actual work, trying to get Jack on the phone, everyone else is trying to break dance….if you saw this, you would think it was so white, it would be transparent.

Agent Scully: Bill?

Bill: (stops break dancing) Yo gabber gabby! What up, docs?

Scully: Well, I'll have to say, Mulder, this is the closest that I've ever seen an alien.

Mulder: I thought you didn't believe?

Scully: I didn't. But after seeing this creature, I believe anything.

Bill: Hey! I'm not an alien!

Mulder: He's in denial.

Chloe: (calls out) I got it. (tazers Bill, who faints) I'll help you carry him to the probing room.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: What's with you and people getting tazered all the time?

Me: Bill is an idiot.

Editor: I got to admit, I gave you far more than you could chew.

Me: Jew? (takes out a picture of Mel Gibson) WHERE?

Editor: Uhhhhhhh…..

**Back to the story**

Mulder: Listen up, everyone! Bill is no longer going to be your boss! Agent Scully and I are going to be your mother and father!

Chloe: (whispers to Mulder) I think you should've said that you'll be our new bosses.

Mulder: Oh yes. We shall be your new bosses. Your first assignment: Get Saddam.

Milo: We were doing that already.

Mulder: Morris, take Milo outside and have him shot.

Morris: This is Thursday night all over again!

Chloe: No, it's true! We are trying to find Saddam!

Mulder: Oh. We need to find Saddam dead or alive….mostly dead!

Scully: A little help, Mulder? I can't probe this "Bill" person without your help!

Mulder: Do what you guys do best…without Bill. Thank you!

While the Agents are off to probe Bill, everyone else gets back to work.

Milo: I wonder if Jack knows what is going on with Saddam.

Chloe: Don't worry. At the end of this chapter, Jack is going to find out…and so will some other people.

Mulder: (comes out of nowhere) That's right, Chloe. There are people out there…

Scully: DAMMIT, MULDER!

Mulder: She was annoying when she didn't believe…

Morris: Chloe, do you believe that there's much more to this than meets the eye?

Chloe: Yes…and please stop ripping off children's toys.

**4:53 am**

There are split screens. CTU is working on finding Saddam. Saddam is in his car, sleeping. Scully and Mulder are about to start the probe on Bill.

Jack wakes up in Dexter's car. He looks around and sees Dexter passed out in the driver's seat, bleeding.

Jack: (gets out of the car) He'll be fine.

He looks around and sees a car on top of a hill.

Jack: Good. Another car I can steal, destroy and get captured after!

He runs to the hill and starts walking on it when…he gets tired.

Jack: You know what? I'll make base camp here, try again in the morning. (about to lie down but gets up) Wait, it is the morning.

He starts climbing and he goes to the car…which Saddam is sleeping in. Jack pulls out his gun and goes to the terrorist. He is about to scream for Saddam to get out of the car slowly but he looks at him carefully. He is sleeping, he is in full shape, the place where his finger used to be is shooting out sparks, he looks healthy as a horse and…

Jack: Wait…go back.

…the place where his finger used to be is shooting out sparks?

Jack: Yeah! What the hell? (looks at Saddam's finger) He doesn't have a finger but there are sparks shooting out of it. Why?

He looks at the terrorist's face and looks into his eyes…which are unusual. They were open, yes, that was strange not to mention it before, but this was different. They were bright red.

Jack: Something's wrong here.

He sees something flashing on the back of Saddam's head.

Jack: Wait, what?

Jack goes to see the back of Saddam's head and it is flashing something: Low Battery.

Jack: (backs away) Oh God. Oh Man. Oh…

He hears a click of a gun behind him. He drops the gun and turns around to see: Heath.

Jack: My God! Your boyfriend is a robot? I know you haven't got much ladies after Brokeback Mountain but…

Heath: (smiles) Oh…I'm not that idiot actor. I'm someone else.

A puff of red smoke appears in front of Heath. Jack tries to see through it. Then, the smoke disappears and Jack is shocked.

Jack: No. It can't be. You…you…you…

Edgar: That's right. It is me. Lovable old Edgar.

Jack: But…but why?

Edgar: The real question is…why not?

Jack: No, I said "Why?"

Edgar: Power! Lots and lots of power…that will help me, of course, take over the world!

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Edgar: But I'm not alone!

Another puff of red smoke comes out of nowhere and reveals…

Jack: Oh my God.

Audrey steps up beside Edgar.

Jack: Audrey. You're alive.

Audrey: Too bad, you…will die.

**4:59:57**

**4:59:58**

**4:59:59**

**5:00:00**

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Jesus. Christ.

Me: Tell me how bad it is. I can take it.

Editor: That was a horrible twist.

Me: That's it. Go on. I can take more…

Editor: That was amazing, also.

Me: Wait what? NO!

Editor: I can't wait for the next chapter.

Me: NO! NOT YOU! ANYBODY BUT YOU!

Editor: (puts down script) I can't read anymore. (gets up)

Me: But what about the scenes for next time?

Editor: F*** it. (gets out of room)


	22. Chapter 22

DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN ANY 24 CHARACTERS! PLEASE ENJOY OR READ SOMETHING ELSE…preferring Marcen12.

**Previously on 24…**

Chloe is walking around in a morgue when she comes across a dead body covered in a blanket. She uncovers it and sees a body of a man.

Chloe: William Shatner's career?

The man career, embodied as a man, opens his eyes and looks at her.

William's Career: I need you to save me before I died.

Chloe: Soooo….around the time you decided to sign on for "S#*! My Dad Says. Got it!

Suddenly, Chloe begins to go back a full day and finds herself in front of CBS Studious.

Chloe: Well, here I am. The place where they shoot that horrible show. (pulls out pistol) It's killing time. (goes in the studio)

**Then…**

Morris and Milo are walking to Milo's house when Jack, dressed as a rapper, goes up toward them.

Jack: Yo, what's up?

Milo: What the Hell is that?

Morris: What are you doing here?

Jack: You know. I was just chillin' in the hood.

Milo: Well, no one wants you here.

Jack: Fine, I just want to know his name.

Milo: Morris, who is this guy.

Jack: Morris. Hmmm. Mo.

Uncomfortable silence.

Jack: I'll be going. (walks away) Oh, (turns to Morris) and Morris? Drop that zero and get with the hero. (walks away) Yeah, I got that off the Disney channel.

Milo: Should I know about Max Headache there?

Morris: Forget about him. I already have…and so will the rest of the world in six months.

**After…**

Bill wakes up in a room and his pants are down.

Bill: What the f-.

A door near him opens and in comes two people.

Scully: We know who you really are.

Mulder: Maybe I should say that. You saying that just throws everything off.

Bill: What do you want from me?

Mulder: We know who you really are.

Bill: Okay. I was drugged. I was forced here against my will. I was happy to where I was but I was forced here.

Scully: We think you're an alien.

Bill: Oh. Forget everything I said.

Mulder: That's why we're going to probe you.

Bill: Well, I guess they were right when they say everything is going to work out for the best. I just didn't believe…wait a minute, you're going to do WHAT?

Scully: We are going to examine you.

Bill: No, no! You said probe!

Mulder: Scully, he's on to us. Get the neutralizer.

Bill: The WHAT? YOU'RE NOT IN MIB! While we're talking about things that don't matter, why was there a second Men In Black movie? That was so stupid!

Scully flashes the Neutralizer on Bill, making him forget why he was there.

Mulder: Now, we're here to give you an examination.

Bill: OH BOY! I love the dentist!

**Finally…**

Audrey and Edgar are standing on a hill that is on fire.

Edgar: Today is the day to rule. First, the city…then…THE WORLD!

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

_**The following takes place between 5:00 am to 6:00 am**_

**5:00 am**

Jack has his hands up with Edgar holding him up with a gun…oh, and Audrey is there too.

Jack: What the Hell is going on?

Edgar: Hey! I get to ask the questions here…you probably want to know what the Hell is going on.

Audrey: I think he wants to know what the Hell is going on.

Jack: Will you stop padding this out!

Edgar: So, what the Hell is going on you're wondering? Well, I'll tell you…but this is the beginning of the chapter.

Jack: So?

Audrey: Evil plans are never explained until the middle or end of the chapter.

Jack: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life.

Edgar: No, the stupidest thing you've ever heard in your life was Men In Black 2.

Jack: No, that was the stupidest thing I've ever SEEN in my entire life…next to Wild Wild West…come to think of it, the stupidest thing I've ever heard was that there's going to be a Men In Black 3.

Edgar: I…WHAT? WHAT!

Jack: You didn't know?

Audrey: We thought since the second one sucked, they weren't going to have the guts to do a third one but…WHAT?

Edgar: Forget taking over the world! This is a bigger matter!

Jack: How is Men In Black 3 a bigger matter than taking over…?

Edgar: It's time to kill those producers for MIB3!

Jack: (looks around, confused) CUT!

Suddenly, the story shuts down temporarily and the director, McG goes to Jack.

McG: Is there a problem?

Jack: It's not with me but Edgar has a serious problem with killing people at MIB3.

Edgar: Well, if Jack hadn't mentioned it, we would've been off script! (a make-up guy goes up to him) Make sure you get my blush on the right side of my face.

McG: Come on, we've had no problems until now! Let's get back to business! Let's blow this up!

Audrey: Michael Bay quit, remember?

McG: Oh crap, you're right. I knew we should've got that coyote from Warner Bros cartoons.

Audrey: You're still talking about Michael Bay!

McG: I really do miss him…alright, despite that minor….major…setback, the story must go on…or off the rails. Ready? Set! Action!

Jack: So, you're guys aren't going to tell me your plans to take over the world?

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Edgar: It's…well, we're not going to take over the world as much as hold your daughter ransom.

Jack: Oh yeah. How is she? I mean, WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?

Edgar: In good time, Bauer.

Miko: Tatopolous.

Edgar: (looks at Miko) Shut the f*** up.

Jack: Where's my daughter?

Audrey: (looks at Edgar) Crap.

Jack: Crap? What. WHAT THE HELL IS IT? TELL ME RIGHT NOW!

Edgar: I'M THE ONE WITH THE GUN! I HAVE CONTROL! I'M GOING TO CONTINUE TALKING IN CAPITAL LETTERS IN ORDER TO ESTABLISH MY POINT!

Jack: You mean, yell?

Edgar: YES! I WILL CONTINUE YELLING! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Jack: OH YEAH? WELL, I CAN OUTYELL YOU! AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Edgar: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Jack: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Edgar: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Suddenly, Jack stops and drops to the ground. Edgar sees Audrey behind him, holding a shovel.

Edgar: Why the Hell did you do that for? I was clearly winning the yelling fight!

Audrey: I'm sorry but he knew too much.

Edgar: NO, HE DIDN'T! We never told him anything.

Audrey: Well, he has a brain…

Edgar: Which he never uses! It took him this long to figure out that Saddam was a robot made by me while I was disguised as Heath Ledger and I was controlling him to do my bidding. If the plans failed, Saddam would take the heat while I went back to Hell without any harm done to myself.

Audrey: Which plan? Taking over the world or kidnapping Jack's daughter? Because both plans failed.

Edgar: I said IF the plans failed, Saddam would take the heat.

Audrey: But Jack knows who you really are and he knows that Saddam is a robot…there is going to be harm done to you! HE KNOWS WHO YOU ARE!

Edgar: Who's going to believe a CTU field agent? They're as reliable as a reporter at Fox News. Trust me, I've got it all figured out.

Audrey: Even the part about you killing his daughter?

Edgar: Well, uhhhh, minor setback.

Audrey: MINOR SETBACK? MINOR! HAVE YOU SEEN REVENGE MOVIES WHERE THE FATHER IS GOING TO GET HIS DAUGHTER BACK **NO MATTER WHAT COSTS?**

Edgar: Those are just fairy tales. None of that will happen. It's all just fiction.

Audrey: Fine, I'll believe you. But if we die…

Edgar: We're already dead.

Audrey: …we're going to Hell.

Edgar: Which is where we came from.

Audrey: Oh. Then we shall all be fine.

Edgar: See? You're agreeing with me.

Audrey: I was being sarcastic.

Edgar: I didn't see anything about you using sarcasm in that sentence.

Audrey: I…wait, what?

**5:08 am**

At CTU, everyone is working under the Agents. Bill, Mulder and Scully are in one of its rooms.

Bill: (pulls his pants up) So, is there anything else you would like to do to me?

Mulder: We got all the information we need.

Bill: (disappointed) You're not going to do anymore probing?

Scully: How did you know we were probing you? We neutralized you in the **PREVIOUSLY ON 24** parts.

Bill: Those don't count here. Those barely happen.

Mulder: Plus, according to Chloe, he has as much brain activity as a retarded person.

Bill: HEY!

Mulder: Well, tests don't lie!

Scully: What should we do now?

Mulder: We are going to put this in the X-Files.

Bill: Wait a minute! I'm a human being!

Mulder: Your brain activity says otherwise. No human alive has as little brain function as you. You might as well be called Buster Bluth….or Gob Bluth.

Michael Kelso: BURN!

Everyone looks at Kelso strangely.

Kelso: Hey, that was a good burn. (walks away)

Scully: How the Hell did he get in here?

Bill: Hell is supposed to have a lowercase h.

Scully: Hell is a place, therefore, it is a noun, and therefore, it can have a capital letter.

Bill: Now I know…and knowing is half the…

Mulder: You don't know anything. You have as much brain activity as the writer of this story on heroin.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Did you really write this?

Me: (hides syringe) I don't know what you're talking about.

**Back to the story**

Scully: Bill, you may leave now.

Bill: Why would you do this to me in the first place? I'm the boss. (rapping) I remember birthdays, like a boss. I swallow sadness…like a boss. I eat a bagel…like a boss.

Mulder: (pulls out a gun, shoots Bill, who then falls to the ground) I'm sorry. He was getting on my nerves. He was getting whiter than Vanilla Ice.

Scully: Impossible. He was already whiter than Vanilla Ice.

Mulder: Why do you always disagree with me?

Scully: I was agreeing with you!

Mulder: Sorry, I'm still getting used to you doing that. (looks at Bill) So, what do we do about him?

Scully: We drive out to Bat Country, leave his body there and let the vultures get to him.

Mulder: But it's called Bat Country. There are no vultures there.

Bill: (gets up) NO, NO! The vultures are there!

Scully: I shot you! How are you still alive?

Bill: (pulls up his shirt) Bulletproof vest.

Mulder: But you aren't wearing a vest.

Bill: (looks around, nervous) Uhhh, ummm….MINDFREAK! MINDFREAK! MINDFREAK! (runs away)

Scully: Well, now we know what the bottom of the barrel looks like.

Mulder: But you have to love that catchy song.

Scully: He wasn't singing. So, do we still let him work here?

Mulder: MIB lets aliens work there.

Scully: What did Bill do here anyways?

Mulder: He was the boss.

Scully: What idiot hired him to be the boss?

Mulder: I'll tell you who did…Chuck Norris.

CHUCK NORRIIIIIIIIIS!

Scully: I'm going to turn around, walk out of this room and we will never speak of that moment again. (walks away)

Mulder: But, Scully! The truth is out there.

Scully: God…SHUT UP ABOUT THAT! (walks out of the room)

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Hey, what was the point of that…

Me: (pulls out a gun) I will squash you like a bug right now.

Editor: You have a gun…that would be impossible to do.

Me: (pistol whips Editor) Get back to reading the story.

Editor: Fine.

Me: (pistol whips Editor again)

Editor: I said I WILL read it!

Me: Oh. I got used to you saying you won't.

**Back to the story**

Outside of this room, Milo goes to Chloe at her desk.

Chloe: Not now, Milo. I'm kind of busy.

Milo: This will only take the majority of time.

Chloe: We are under new management right now and we have to make a good first impress…we have to make a good impression.

Milo: But this is an emergency! If I don't ask, the whole universe will be out of balance!

Chloe: This I have to hear.

Milo: Are those Agents prettier than me?

Chloe: If Bill hadn't broken my chainsaw, I would've used it on you right now.

Milo: That means you like me! Yay me!

Chloe: Why is it every time I say something bad about you, which is all the time, you think it means something else?

Milo: Woman never mean what they say!

Chloe: You are the most gorgeous man I've ever known.

Milo: What do you mean I'm ugly? (crying) You are so hurtful! (runs into a washroom)

Chloe: That's the men's washroom, Milo!

Milo: (steps out of washroom) Thanks. (goes into next washroom)

Chloe: Wait…

Morris: (comes along) So, are you still trying to find our fearless leader?

Chloe: (points to Bill, who is walking like someone probed him) He's right there.

Morris: I meant our ACTUAL fearless leader.

Chloe: You know I can't find Jack under this new management. They're probably tapping the phone lines.

Morris: Don't we usually tap phone lines?

Chloe: Yeah but the Agents think Jack is dead.

Morris: So does the world.

Chloe: We'll have to use the best resources we can to get to Saddam.

Morris: Also, about that, isn't there something bigger than Saddam. I mean, what we found out about him, there has to be someone else behind this.

Chloe: If only Jack were here to help us out…

Morris: There's a pay phone across the street that has never been tapped.

Chloe: What's the point of a pay phone if Jack isn't answering HIS phone? It means…

Morris: No, no, I'll figure out what it means. (thinks) If he isn't answering his phone…and Chloe tries to call him…Jack not answering…Chloe calling…Jack not answering…Chloe calling…(walks to a blackboard) 3 plus 3 is…

Bill: (goes over to Chloe's desk) WAZZZZZZAAAAAA…

Chloe: Why does everyone bother ME whenever I'm busy?

Bill: Because your tight face says fun…or constipation.

Chloe: What do you want, Bill?

Bill: (looks at Morris) Oh God, is he trying to find out another Zen riddle? It took him years to figure out the other riddle.

_FLASHBACK_

Morris is on a hill, talking to a quirky Asian man.

Mako: What is so hot, it's cool and it's so cool, it's hot?

Morris: (thinks for a minute) Pop Tarts?

Mako: IT'S NOT POP TARTS!

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Chloe: He's trying to figure out why Jack's not answering his phone when I'm trying to call him.

Bill: (thinks for a minute) Pop Tarts?

Mako: IT'S NOT POP TARTS!

Bill: This is tricky. (calls to Morris) Do you have extra chalk, Morris? I have to solve this riddle as well! (goes to Morris)

Chloe: Jesus Christ, these guys are dumb.

Jesus: I know. It could be worse, you could be watching Just Go With It.

Chloe: You know I'd rather watch that. That movie was written on paper. THIS is real life. What, is there some retard writing this and controlling what we're doing?

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Did you really just write that?

Me: Of course.

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Editor: One of the characters just called you a retard. Are you sure…

Me: Yep. It's all part of the master plan.

Editor: Does this master plan involve me going Commando on your ass…

Me: WHOA, WHOA!

Editor: …with an M-16?

Me: Oh.

Editor: Also, what was the point of that scene?

Me: (takes out a knife) I've warned you once, I've warned you twice, I've warned you thrice…and then I lost count. Now, I'm going to cut you.

Editor: But you're going to waste this paper by putting my blood on it.

Me: (puts away knife) Sorry about that.

Editor: That's okay. (puts out hand) Forgive?

Me: (shakes hand) Forgive.

Editor: (pulls out gun) HAIL HITLER! (shoots)

Me: WTF? (faints)

Editor: Faints? Oh sweet candy coated Jesus.

**Back to the story**

**5:14 am**

Jack wakes up with his eyes closed. He holds his head in pain. A hand smoothes his head.

Jack: Mom? I had the weirdest dream.

Voice: Tell me about it.

Jack: I was a field agent at a place called CTU and I was trying to get Saddam. But he turned out to be a robot to cover his boyfriend, Heath Ledger who turned out to be a dead CTU Agent named Edgar.

Voice: Don't worry. Just be glad that you're in the year 2011.

Jack: (opens his eyes) 2011! (looks beside him, Audrey is holding a gun) You're my…you're my…I'm sorry, who are you?

Audrey: Why does no one remember me?

Jack: Where am I?

Audrey: You're in the backseat of a car with me. Edgar is driving.

Edgar: (calls out) Hello, Mr. Bauer.

Jack: Diane.

Edgar: I keep telling you, MY NAME IS EDGAR!

Jack: Whatever, Cindy.

Edgar: Don't make me come back there!

Audrey: Eddy, I don't think that's such a good idea.

Jack: (mocking) Yeah, Edward!

Edgar: YOU CALLED ME EDWARD! THAT'S THE LAST STRAW! (gets up from driver's seat) I'M GOING TO BEAT YOU UNTIL YOU TURN WHITE!

Jack: I am white! Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah!

Audrey: Eddy, watch the road!

Edgar: (goes back to driver's seat) Fine. I'm the boss! Why am I listening to you?

Audrey: You never listen to me!

Edgar: Huh. You got a point there. Later, bitch.

He swerves the car sharply and makes Audrey fall out of it. Edgar laughs.

_END OF EDGAR'S IMAGINATION_

Audrey: You never listen to me!

Edgar: I listen to you seldom.

Jack: Where is my daughter?

Audrey and Edgar look at each other, awkwardly.

Edgar: I don't know.

Jack: Damn it! I know where you guys know where my daughter is! Give her back to me and no one gets hurt!

Edgar: This man annoys me. Audrey, knock Jack out again.

There is a struggle then nothing.

Edgar: Now, do we dispose Jack the same way we disposed his daughter?

Jack: WHAT?

Edgar: (turns around, sees that Audrey was knocked out, not Jack) Son of a bitch!

Jack: My daughter is dead?

Edgar: Kim is dead. (laughs) Funny story. It's funny like Dumb and Dumber. You will laugh!

Jack: I'm not laughing. My daughter is dead.

Edgar: Wait until you hear the punch line!

Jack: (pulls out a gun) Take me to my daughter.

Edgar: How the Hell did you have a gun?

Jack: I took it from Audrey.

Edgar: But Audrey didn't have a…

Jack: TAKE ME TO KIM NOW!

Edgar: You're making a big mistake.

Jack: Really? Because I can kill you right now.

Edgar: I'm the one driving the car. If you kill me, the car will crash, killing you also. You can't come back to life but I can!

Jack: (holds gun to Edgar's neck) I'm willing to take that chance.

Edgar: (turns car around) Damn you, Mr. Bauer.

Jack: The name is Santa Claus.

Edgar: You are? Tell me: why did you give me that crappy remake of a Leave It To Beaver movie instead of the DVDS to the original TV show?

Jack: I'm being sarcastic.

Edgar: Oh. I'm kind of disappointed. Now, I'm sad….I WANT TO CRASH THIS CAR!

Jack: Don't.

Edgar: Okay.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Okay, here's a question, dumbass. If Jack has the power in this scenario, why doesn't he shoot Edgar and risk crashing the car?

Me: You're not even seeing the plot holes, are you? That would be kind of lazy…you know what. Screw it, what have I got to lose?

**ALTERNATIVE TAKE**

Edgar: I'm the one driving the car. If you kill me, the car will crash, killing you also. You can't come back to life but I can!

Jack: (holds gun to Edgar's neck) I'm willing to take that chance. (shoots Edgar) This won't backfire in the least.

The car drove off into a field…then the car explodes. Jack dies but Edgar comes out of the car…for he was a robot bent on world domination! He got his wish and HE lived happily ever after.

**THE END**

Editor: How rushed. How stupid. How uninspiring.

Me: Now, read the rest of the story.

**Back to the story**

Edgar: You suck sometimes, you know that?

Jack: Drive faster.

Edgar: But what about all those innocent lives on the road?

Jack: You killed my daughter. Nothing else matters.

Edgar: Not even your own life?

Jack: Not even my own life. (turns gun on himself and shoots, dies)

**THE END**

…

…

…

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: I wish I could do that to myself after reading the stupidity of this.

Me: But it's a joke. The story isn't over yet.

Editor: No. (pulls out a gun) But you are.

Me: You do realize that no matter how you try to kill me, I always come back to life.

Editor: Really? (shoots a crow that flies into the room)

Me: What's the point of that?

Editor: This. (shoots)

Me: AAAAAHHHHH!

Editor: If I see one more piece of stupidity in this story, you will die.

**Back to the story…without any of the previous happening.**

**5:21 am**

Everybody at CTU is in a meeting room, sitting at a table.

Bill: What is this place? I've never been in here before.

Chloe: This used to be where we piled up the dead bodies from whoever tried to kill us in this building.

Milo: Is that why there are stains all over the room?

Morris: Some of those stains are blood, this used to be a sex room.

Chloe: Is that why it smells like Paris in here?

The Agents come into the room.

Scully: Thank you for meeting us here.

Milo: We had no choice. You gave us a memo.

Mulder: Yes, sorry about that.

Scully: Now, you all know why you're here.

Morris: Pop Tarts?

Mako: IT'S NOT POP TARTS!

Mulder: You all know what is going on with Saddam. He's a robot from outer space who wants to take over the world. I just wanted to say that so everyone knows what's going on.

Chloe: That seems like a very odd thing to say.

Scully: Indeed. Mulder and I agree that there is more than meets the eye.

Milo: NOW YOU'RE RIPPING OFF TRANSMORPHERS! WHO DOES THAT?

Bill: Don't you mean Transformers?

Milo: Transwhatnow?

Mulder: People, focus! We need input! There is something more than Saddam. If Saddam is a robot, then who is the person controlling the robot? And what if there are more robots like Saddam?

Morris: Like Shaq?

Scully: We checked. He's not an alien or a robot.

Bill: Oh yeah? Have you seen him in Kazaam? Or Steel?

Scully: We are 100% sure that he's not an alien or a robot….sadly.

Mulder: It would've been fun to know that he was actually one.

Chloe: The writer is too stupid to be creative enough to make that kind of plot point up.

Scully: So, how did all this start anyway?

Morris: It all started around chapter 1…

Milo: Don't you have scripts that help you with the moments before?

Mulder: Don't make me use the Neutralizer on you?

Chloe: Wait…I know it's breaking the fourth wall but…this is 24, and you guys are from the X-Files and you're using something from Men in Black. How the f*** does that make sense?

Mulder and Scully look at each other.

Scully: MULDER, RUN!

Suddenly, it starts turning into the Benny Hill show. The Agents start running around while the CTU agents are chasing them.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Jesus Christ! (flips through pages) This goes on for several pages! What the f***! How the Hell did you do this? Benny Hill couldn't have gone this long!

Me: I had help. (looks up) Help from a special friend.

Editor: Are you telling me that you had help from a comedian who has been dead for almost 20 years? HOW THE HELL IS THAT POSSIBLE?

Me: Rheumatism!

Editor: What the Hell does that have to do with this?

Me: Rheumatism!

Editor: Do you even know what that word means?

Me: Chuck Norris?

Editor: I could squash you like a bug right…

Me: Ah, ah, ah, ah! Rheumatism!

Editor: (pulls out a gun) Is this going to be a problem?

Me: You can't scare me with a gun. I've been shot before.

Editor: (puts gun away and pulls out a crossbow) Is this going to be trouble?

Me: A crossbow? How inspiringly unoriginal.

Editor: This is getting stupid. I'd rather get back to the story. Wait…no, I wouldn't. But, it's better than talking to you. No, it isn't.

Me: We love Frodo, oh, yes we do. Oh! We hate Frodo, don't we? Love! Hate! LOVE! HATE!

**ONE UNINSPIRED COMIC ROUTINE LATER**

Editor: Enough of this crap!

**Back to the story**

Everybody is back in the meeting room, apparently waiting.

Mulder: Oh! We're back! Ahem. We are in the middle of mystery in which we will need more than elementary.

Scully: Mulder, it's not that kind of mystery. We're dealing with a cat and mouse chase.

Bill: Wow! Tom and Jerry are here?

Scully: (to Chloe) Remind me how he was in charge again?

Morris: May I make a suggestion?

Mulder: As long as it doesn't involve you are drinking.

Morris: Well, I'll have to move on to Plan H. Since we cannot find Saddam anywhere at this time, we can nuke the world.

Mulder: I like this guy. Sacrificing all these lives to kill one person. You're like a young Dick Cheney.

Morris: But Cheney's dead.

Scully: People! Focus! We need to find Saddam! This has been dragged out for too long! People have died during this time.

Milo: Not really. It's kind of Jack's fault for killing people. He steals cars, drives, crashes, steals another car, drives, and crashes and gets kidnapped. More of that, please!

Scully: Do you want to run this ship?

Milo: Yes.

Scully: Well….you can't.

Milo: Is it because I'm black?

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (looks up from the script)

Me: I know. (takes crossbow, aims at head and fires)

**Back to the story**

Scully: You can't pull out the race card, you insensitive twat.

Milo: Don't you dare call me what my mother called me when I came out of her.

Chloe: We are on the same side, right?

Mulder: Okay, folks. What do we know about Saddam?

Morris: He wants to take over the world.

Mulder: What else?

Bill: He's a robot.

Scully: Yes, what else?

A robot comes in to answer the question.

Johnny Five: Number Five…is alive!

Scully: Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Johnny: Number Five…is alive!

Scully: Yes but technically, you don't have a heart or soul….

Johnny: Number Five...is alive!

Scully: Alright, fine.

Johnny: Number Five can give you input!

Bill: Is it me or does that sound horrifyingly dirty?

Suddenly, a brown man comes in the room.

Ben: Sorry I am late. But Mister Number Five Johnny went off from the lab!

Scully: Is there any security in this place?

Ben: (holds one of Johnny's hands) Back when I lived in India, there was tons of security two, four, seven.

Milo: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, whoa, whoa….you're from India?

Ben: Come one, Mr. Johnny Five! They are on to me!

Johnny: But Number Five wants to give input!

Bill: Okay, if it's input he wants… (takes off pants)

Scully: I think he means information, Bill.

Bill: This is how I get my information…right up the ass.

Ben: (walks out of the room with the robot) Bye, bye. I enjoyed this meeting I was in!

Chloe: That was completely pointless. You can make trading cards out of these pointless things that appear here.

Morris: Ooooh, ooooh! Like Pokémon trading cards or baseball trading cards?

Mulder: Morris, go stand in the corner.

Morris: (walks to a corner and sings) I walk a lonely road…(gets tasered, faints)

Chloe: (holds taser gun) I'm sorry. That joke has been used to death…I couldn't take anymore from that joke.

Scully: Agreed. Now, while Morris's smoking carcass…

Chloe: Morris isn't dead.

Scully: Errrr….while Morris is still smoking, we must move forward! But we don't have any of the answers!

Milo: Yeah! Like…how the Hell did this all start?

Mulder: We don't need to go that far back!

Bill: There is only one thing we can do to solve this…a montage!

Chloe: How clichéd. How horribly clichéd.

Mulder: Let's do it.

Bill: Agent Mulder, I think you're cute but…

Chloe: I think he's agreeing we should do the montage. God knows why.

**In Heaven**

God shrugs and shakes his head.

**Back on Earth**

Scully: This is no time of a montage.

Mulder: Awww, come on! Montages make everything go faster and everyone gets the jist of what we're doing!

Chloe: In that case, why isn't this story a montage?

Milo: Oh, come on! This is 24 hours, not 24 minutes!

Scully: People! Focus! We need to catch someone! Anyone who is behind this! Either find who it is in the next two hours, or get new jobs!

**5:31 am**

Jack and Edgar are at Kim's burial site. Jack is digging at the ground…with his hands

Edgar: You do realize that there are shovels…

Jack: Quite, you! You killed my daughter and buried her! I bet you didn't say any prayers when you did this!

Edgar: Of course I did! I said, "Rub a dub dub, bury Jack's daughter in the dirt."

Jack: You're a dumbass.

Edgar: You're digging hard dirt with your hands instead of using a shovel!

Jack: The power of love is always strong!

**SEVERAL MINUTES LATER**

Jack: (crying) The dirt broke my nails! WAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Edgar: (gives Jack a shovel) Use this. For the sake of me and the people who are reading this, please! PLEASE! USE THE SHOVEL!

Jack: (takes shovel) Fine. (starts digging) What's this? (sees a piece of hair) KIM! (digs further) I'M COMING TO GET YOU!

Edgar: She's probably dead, you know.

Jack: You don't know that! You haven't seen Inspector Gadget!

Edgar: He was a robot…

Jack: So is Shaq but that doesn't stop him from doing what he does.

Edgar: (thinks for a minute) Pop Tarts?

Mako: IT'S NOT POP TARTS!

Jack: (digs even more until he digs up the body) This isn't Kim…it's Jimmy Hoffa! (digs up the body) Why do I always find bodies of people that aren't important? (gets out of hole and looks around) Maybe I'll take a nap under that half burned blanket and wake up to realize something important. (goes to blanket, lifts it up and sees a half burned body) AAAAAAAHHHHH! KIM! NOOOOOOO! (looks at body closely) Wait a minute.

Edgar: What is it?

Jack: This isn't my daughter. Neither is the man that I dug up. Who is this?

**SOMEWHERE**

Two sisters out looking for a family member.

Kortney Kardashian: Kim! KIM! Where are you?

Khole: I knew we should've let her buy that pony.

**After that throwaway joke**

Jack: WHERE THE HELL IS MY DAUGHTER? WHERE? WHERE? WHERE?

Edgar: Maybe she's in that hole.

Jack: Fat chance…but I'll check…

Audrey: (comes up beside Jack) Oooooh, what happened? I have a splitting headache.

Jack: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! (hits her in the temple with a shovel, killing her)

Edgar: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?

Jack: You fully saw it! She came at me with a tank!

Edgar: Now I don't have a partner in crime!

Jack: But she was dead! Doesn't that mean she can come back to life?

Edgar: She wasn't really dead to begin with. She just faked her own death in order to work for me?

Jack: But she's going to Hell. Truly, Satan will bring her back to life.

Edgar: Yeah…she used to go to Church.

Jack: Oh…so she can't…

Edgar: No…I neither will you. (about to punch Jack)

Jack: AHHHHHH! (punches Edgar in the face)

Edgar: Good one. (passes out)

Jack: For a guy who had a huge plan by doing a big little thing, he sure is a great definition of a puss out. Ooooooo! A car! (takes Edgar's car and drives away with it) If there is one place Edgar wouldn't look for me at, where would it be? Burger King? No, I got banned from there. A grave? No, that's what he'll be expecting. Six Flags? Maybe later. (snaps fingers) CTU! Of course! (goes into pocket) Awww crap. I forgot I have no phone. Maybe I'll surprise CTU. (drives away)

**5:36 am**

Everybody is working at their desks at CTU. Let's repeat that sentence. EVERYBODY is working at their desks at CTU.

Bill: I miss Jack.

Chloe: Why? Is it because you do absolutely nothing when he was here? You were in charge for reasons unknown.

Bill: But that explanation from before!

Chloe: I know that was B.S.

Morris: Who is this B.S? Is it a guy who I know about?

Chloe: Morris. Didn't I taser you a few minutes ago?

Bill: When did you taser Morris?

Chloe: Bill! You were there!

Bill: Us guys have a really short attention span…hey, look a housefly. (walks away)

The Agents walk by and see what is going on.

Scully: Any new information?

Chloe: None. It's only because the meeting ended a few minutes ago meaning that we didn't get much.

Mulder: Did we give up when we realized that the whole entire world was made up of aliens?

Scully: That never happened.

Mulder: Dammit, Scully! Here I am trying to give a pep talk and you have to ruin it! This is Disneyland all over again!

Scully: We never went to Disneyland.

Mulder: Oh yeah. That was a dream…

Chloe: So, what do you guys want from us?

Scully: Do you think that Jack is still alive?

Morris: No, why?

Mulder: We do come from a place where there is much more than meets the eye.

Morris: Oh, I got you! The Deceptagons want to destroy the Autobots in a battle of good vs. evil.

Scully: First of all, alien robots do NOT exist!

Mulder: I'm afraid I'll have to agree with Scully on this.

Morris: Oh come on! Out of all people, I thought you, Mulder, would believe!

Mulder: Yeah…even for me that is way too farfetched.

Scully: Second of all, we know Jack is alive because, well, this story wouldn't be moving forward without him being dead.

Chloe: Yeah, we should've noticed that before you noticed that…

Milo: (comes out of nowhere) WAAAAAAZZZZZAAAAAAAA….

Mulder: We know Jack Bauer is alive.

Milo: (nervous) I'll be getting back to work now.

Scully: Where's Bill?

Morris: Looking at a housefly.

Mulder: Look, Morris, you really have to stop using metaphors. We know Jack is alive!

Chloe: Other than the fact that you guys knowing that this story can't exist without him, what proof do you have?

Scully: There is one thing. (pulls out something from pocket) It's the handy dandy…notebook!

Morris: THE NOTEBOOK? THE NOTEBOOK? AAAAAAAHHHHHH! (smashes through window)

Mulder: Scully means an actual notebook, not the movie!

Morris: !HHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAA (jumps back in through open window)

Scully: We have three clues in here: First: It's not Mr. Ed. Second clue: OJ didn't do it. Third: Jack was spotted on the news a few minutes ago escaping a car crash.

Morris: Wow. That's really damn precise.

Mulder: Yes. We watch the news.

Chloe: We can explain….wait, we can't explain.

Scully: You can explain. Like, why did you lie to us about Jack's death?

Chloe: We never lied.

Mulder: We have scripts too. (both Agents take out scripts out of their pockets)

Chloe: Damn fourth wall jokes.

Scully: So why?

Chloe: It's because Jack doesn't know how to take orders from other people other than Bill.

Mulder: Isn't Bill an idiot.

Morris: Yes but whenever Bill says something, Jack does the opposite.

Scully: I guess that's why Bill was boss to begin with. He's so inept, that people will take his advice in a completely opposite way!

Bill: (comes along, cleaning his ear with a bullet) Did someone call me?

Chloe: No, get back to work.

Bill: Gotcha! (shoves bullet into ear and walks away)

Mulder: So, how do we contact Jack?

Chloe: We don't know. He hasn't called us in a while.

Scully: We need him. If we don't get to him, the whole world…

Morris: …will be in danger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've heard that about a dozen times.

Mulder: There has to be a way to get to Jack.

Chloe: Why don't you use your scripts?

Scully: Good idea! (takes out script and reads) Jack is driving his car…

**5:43 am**

…when he tries to step on the brakes but they don't seem to be working.

Jack: What the Hell? (stomps on brakes again) AAAAAAAAA-

**5:44 am**

Scully: -HHHHHHHHH!

Morris: This is some gripping stuff! What happens next?

A car crashes through a wall and everyone steps back and screams.

Morris: WOW! And then what?

The driver's door opens and out comes Jack.

Mulder: It's Jack Bauer.

Scully: Wow. All that build up for a total letdown. This is like that movie about that killer clown that tried to kill those kids but the kids kill the clown but then the clown comes back and kids, now adults, have to kill it again and it turned out to be a huge spider! I think IT was called…Cheech and Chong Go Up In Smoke.

Jack: What are you implying? That I'm a disappointment?

Scully: I'm saying that you're a mini-Holocaust of disappointments.

Jack: Oh yeah? Well…you're a woman.

Scully: (sarcasm) Oh no. That hurt. I feel like dying. That was the best comeback that I've ever heard.

Jack: See? I'm not a disappointment!

Scully: That was sarcasm.

Jack: I didn't see it in the script.

Scully: It WAS in the…wait, what?

Chloe: People, can we please move forward?

Scully: Oh yes. Mr. Bauer, we found out that you have information about Saddam.

Jack: (looks at Mulder and Scully) I'm sorry, who are you too?

Mulder: U2 is the greatest rock band in the world.

Jack: Great. Now, who are you guys?

Scully: I'm Agent Scully and this is Mulder. We are from the FBI. We are investigating Saddam.

Jack: Than you know that Saddam isn't human.

Mulder: Correct.

Jack: And you know that his boyfriend isn't Heath Ledger.

Mulder: Correc…wait, what?

Jack: And you know that Heath Ledger is really a former associate of ours who died, Edgar.

Mulder: Uhhhh….

Jack: And you know that Edgar is the one who wants to take over the world?

Scully: Chloe: WHAT?

Jack: And you know that Audrey, a person who died earlier today, was working with him the whole time?

Milo: Oh Jesus Christ.

Jack: And you know that I saved money by switching to Geico?

Morris: OH GOD! OH PLEASE GOD NO! NO! (kneels to floor) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Jack: And you know that Edgar capture and kill Kim…

Chloe: WHAT?

Jack: …Kardashian.

Chloe: (sarcasm) Oh no. The whole world will never be the same.

Mulder: So, Mr. Bauer. What you're telling us is that Saddam is a robot while his boyfriend is really one of your deceased co-workers trying to take over the world with the help of another co-worker who also died, but earlier today?

Jack: Yep.

Scully: Wow. This is getting retarded.

Morris: WHAT? Two of our deceased co-workers are trying to take over the world and you're calling it retarded?

Mulder: Think about it. I mean, REALLY think about it. Zombies are trying to take over the world.

Milo: WHAT?

Mulder: You got people who DIED and now they are coming back in an evil form? THEY ARE ZOMBIES!

Jack: THEY ARE NOT ZOMBIES! They just don't know any better!

Mulder: Because they are zombies!

Jack: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Mulder: You mad? You mad, bro?

Jack: (takes out gun) I'll squash you like a bug right now.

Mulder: You're holding a gun, you idiot. You can't squash me with that!

Morris: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT THIS IS TEARING US APART?

Everyone looks at Morris.

Milo: You know Morris is right. We have to work together in order to catch the real evil…Fox News….I mean, Edgar.

Chloe: Milo is right…for some reason…we have to work together in the most clichéd way possible.

Jack: She's right. (punches Mulder)

Mulder: OW! SON OF A-

Scully: Why the Hell did you do that for?

Jack: You all saw it! He came at me with a seven foot long chainsaw!

Chloe: Jack, have you been taking your stupid pills?

Jack: Nope. (smiles)

Mulder: Okay, people. We need to…

Jack: I'm sorry. When the f*** did you give orders?

Mulder: Ever since Bill was considered too incapable to be boss.

Jack: Wait, NOW you guys have a problem with Bill being leader? What changed?

Scully: You people weren't getting anywhere in this investigation.

Jack: Yes! Every hour we find something new! Bill is a great boss! Isn't that right, Bill?

Bill: (comes along with two cups) I don't know which is better, Coke or Pepsi.

Jack: Okay, he's a bit of a dumbass but he has never steered us wrong before.

Mulder: So explain what happened in 1999.

Jack: Okay, so he started the rumor about the Y2K bug but, you have to admit, it seemed pretty plausible.

Scully: So explain what happened in 2000.

Jack: Okay, so he started the rumor about the Y2K bug but, you have to admit, it seemed pretty plausible.

Mulder: So explain what happened in 2001.

Jack: Yeah, I'm not going to go into details about that.

Milo: So explain what happened in 2002.

Chloe: Milo, you're on Jack's side!

Milo: I know. But Bill is a bit of a dumbass.

Bill: Milo's right! This Bill chick sounds like a total moron.

Chloe: Okay, Bill isn't all that smart but he is a good person at heart!

Bill: I killed four people yesterday!

Chloe: Bill is a good person in spirit! He's good!

Jack: So, what do you say?

Scully: Bill still can't be the boss.

Jack: Oh come on! I'll be your friend!

Mulder: Scully! Huddle!

Scully: No, let's be adults and go talk in private.

The Agents walk away from the group to talk.

Mulder: Maybe we should let Bill be boss!

Scully: Why? Out of all the people here, why Bill? Why not Chloe? She's the smartest one here!

Mulder: I'll give you two reasons. I like to smart with the second reason first. Second, we are just a waste of space, a joke that has been stretched out too far! First, and most importantly, Jack said he'll be our friends!

Scully: How the f*** is that the most important?

Mulder: I walk a lonely road. The only road that I have ever known.

Scully: I swear I will kill you if you sing that song again. (walks away)

Mulder: Please? I'll be your friend!

Scully: We were lovers at one point.

Morris: We can hear everything we say!

Mulder: How the Hell did they hear?

Milo: You only took two steps away from us and talked very loudly.

Mulder: We decided that our work here is done.

Chloe: I didn't hear anything that made you guys want to quit.

Scully: Well, we would rather quit than have a total moron lead us.

Jack: Hey! WHAT THE F***?

Mulder: We meant Bill, Jack.

Jack: Oh.

Chloe: Again, there wasn't any mention of you guys quitting.

Scully: Look, Chloe. To be honest, if Bill is leader, he'd probably screw things up.

Bill: (pulls out a video tape) Hey look everybody! I found Ghostbusters! We could all watch it!

Milo: See, he has some redeeming qualities!

Mulder: That's Ghostbusters 2.

Morris: Okay, so he doesn't have a lot going for him but he's good at heart.

Scully: Sorry, we would rather go back to the FBI.

Morris: Sorry it didn't work out.

Scully: Well, bye. (walks away)

Mulder:: Live long and prosper. (walks away with her)

Scully: (slaps Mulder in back of head) I told you never to say that.

Mulder: Come on. I'm bringing it back!

Chloe: So, what did you find out about Edgar?

Jack: Well, I met him but I knocked him out so he's probably dead.

Chloe: You do realize that knocking someone out doesn't mean they're dead.

Jack: Sure it does! Have you seen Million Dollar Baby?

Chloe: She had a reason for…

Jack: You're no fun.

Chloe: So, you're telling me that a madman is going to get up at any minute and continue to destroy the world?

Jack: Yep.

Chloe: You. Are. An. Idiot.

**5:58 am**

There are split screens. The X-File members are walk down a lonely road…ah, f*** it, you know the rest. Milo and Morris are wrestling in mud…thought deleted. Chloe is slamming Jack's head against the wall. Bill is in the washroom, putting on make-up….wait, wha…?

Edgar wakes up, head hurting.

Edgar: Oh God. My head hurts. Did I have a party with the cast of Jersey Shore?

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Was that supposed to be a joke?

Me: Yes. Yes, it was.

Editor: That joke has been done to death. Couldn't you just say… "My head hurts. Did I watch Inception?" or, "My head hurts. Did I watch Jingle All The Way?" or, if you're really desperate, "My butt hurts. Am I in prison?" I mean, those might've not been funny but at least they were actual jokes!

Me: Shut the Hell up. The chapter is almost over.

**Back to the story**

Edgar gets up and looks around.

Edgar: Audrey is dead…again. It looks like it is up to me to do something I should've done a long time ago. Kill Rico….wait, I've already done that. I must…Kill Bill.

He walks a few miles than he sees a parked car with two people inside it.

Buddy Rydell: (singing) I feel pretty. Oh so pretty.

Dave Buznik: (singing) I feel stunning. I feel stunning.

Edgar: (screams in horror) NOOOOOOOO! (gets out a gun and shoots them both to death) OH MY GOD! (looks at reader) You all saw it! They both came at me with AK-47s! (takes bodies out of car and starts driving) I'm so cool. What's hot?

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Pop…tarts?

Mako: IT'S NOT POP TARTS!

**Back to the story**

Edgar: I'm hot because I'm fly. I am because you're not. This is why…this is why…this is why I'm hot. (drives away)

**5:59:57**

**5:59:58**

**5:59:59**

**6:00:00**

**Next time on 24**

The CTU team are working. They are in front of a map.

Jack: Okay team. We only have two chapters to get Edgar. Chloe, you go here. Milo, you go here. Morris, you go here while I go here, here, here, here, here, here and here.

Chloe: I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you thrice, I've told you seven thousand times…Sesame Street does NOT exist.

Jack: You can keep saying it over and over again…but you're in denial.

Chloe: Are you mad?

Jack: Like a fox.

**Then…**

Edgar drives when he suddenly becomes hungry. So he pulls up to a drive-thru restaurant.

Voice: May I take your order?

Edgar: Yes. I would like the chicken.

Voice: And then?

Edgar: I would also like to order the rice.

Voice: And then?

Edgar: Also, the Vanilla Coke.

Voice: And then?

Edgar: That's it. That's all I going to order.

Voice: And then?

Edgar: I would like you to f*** yourself.

**Next time on 24.**

Voice: And then?

**Okay, that's it. (pulls out gun) I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!**

Voice: And then?


	23. Chapter 23

DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN ANY 24 CHARACTERS! PLEASE ENJOY OR READ SOMETHING ELSE…preferring Marcen12.

**Previously on 24…**

Jack and Chloe are walking down a dark street when decomposing people suddenly surround them.

Chloe: Jack? Where have you taken me?

Jack: I thought this would be the video shoot for Thriller.

Chloe: Thriller was made in the 80s!

Jack: I know! This is the 70s!

Chloe: Your stupidity knows no bounds, does it?

Jack: Of course it does! That's why I washed our clothes with fresh dead bodies!

Chloe: I'm going to ignore the fact that you found dead bodies to wash things in.

Jack: Look! A person who decomposing before our very eyes is trying to bite us and make us one of their own!

Chloe: Jack! Let's run!

Jack: (goes to zombie) Friend!

Chloe: F*** it. You're on your own. (runs away)

**Then…**

Morris and Milo are surrounded by several gunmen. They are trapped in a house.

Milo: (looks out a window) Oh my God! They're everywhere! What do we do?

Morris: Call the police!

Milo: (picks up a phone, dials) Pick up! Pick up! (hears a click) Hello! Police! There are people who are surrounding our house and they want to kill us!

Person: Do you have Prince Albert in a can? You do? Well, you better let the poor guy out! A HA! A HA! A HA! A HA!

Milo: (drops the phone) MORRIS! THEY'RE TAKING OVER THE PHONE COMPANY!

Morris: NOT THE NAVY!

Milo: What?

**After…**

Bill is in his car, driving angry on a highway.

Bill: I'm driving angry on a highway.

He is going to a place which is owned by someone he is pissed off at.

Bill: I'm going to get that sucker.

Bill finally reaches his destination.

Bill: Great. I'm here. Now all I have to do is step on the brakes and nothing else will happen until I get inside the house.

He steps on the brake, which doesn't work. Bill is panicking.

Bill: Don't panic, Bill. Don't panic.

I SAID PANIC!

Bill: I'm an idiot. I don't even know the word.

So the moron…

Bill: I said I'm an idiot.

(sigh) So the idiot steps on the gas and crashes into someone's house, driving a hole into a room of his destination.

Bill: Like a glove. (gets out of car)

A random person sees the wreckage and screams.

Person: Do you have Prince Albert in a can?

Bill: What?

Person: I mean…what do you want?

Bill: Avon calling.

Person: Awww s***. (runs away)

Bill: I guess we'll have to do this the hard way. (takes out S&M whip)

**Finally…**

Edgar is wakes up in a trashed hotel room with a huge headache.

Edgar: Why does my ass hurt?

He goes into the bathroom and uses the toilet. While he is there, he sees a tiger. At first, he doesn't question it and he turns around to do his duty. But he has a sudden realization and he backs away from the tiger.

Edgar: I hope they make a movie about this.

What a lame joke.

**At the editor's desk**

Me: (comes in room) Good morning.

Editor: Where the Hell were you? I haven't seen you in six months?

Me: I was promoting something.

Editor: What? That stupid movie reviewer named Harrison Laine?

Me: He is NOT stupid! He also does music video reviews too. But since YouTube keeps taking down the music reviews, he puts them on .

Editor: Really. How do I find him on the website?

Me: I don't remember but if you go on his YouTube channel, you'll see his other websites. One of them will be under "music reviews".

Editor: I've seen his movie reviews…is he bipolar?

Me: No…

Editor: Why am I referring to this person in the third person? Isn't he…?

Me: Shut the f*** up and read the f***ing chapter, you piece of s***.

_**The following takes place between 6:00 am to 7:00 am**_

**6:00 am**

Chloe and Jack are arguing…still.

Jack: People can come back to life!

Chloe: No, they can't!

Jack: Yes, they can! Remember the Pikachu tears from Pokémon? What about the heart of Inspector Gadget from the movie? Don't forget about the magic moonbeams and the chanting of We Care from the Care Bears.

Chloe: Those are fictional! Besides, have you seen Old Yeller? The Lion King? Titanic? Bambi?

Jack: There were no deaths in Bambi.

Chloe: Really? Would you like to see?

Jack: Fine. Let's go to YouTube and see what traumatizing scene from a cute Disney movie.

**A CERTAIN SCENE FROM BAMBI WE ALL WATCHED LATER…**

Chloe: (turns off her computer screen) So, now how do you feel?

Jack: (looks at computer screen, flabbergasted) Bambi Mom. She's….she's…WAAAAAHHHHHH! WAHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAAHA! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (flips through pages) Jesus Christ. This goes on for a dozen pages.

Me: Well, give me credit…

Editor: I won't.

Me: …I got nothing, then.

**Back to the story**

Morris comes by Jack and Chloe.

Morris: Why is Jack crying?

Chloe: Bambi.

Morris: Oh Jesus. Was it the scene which…

Chloe: Bambi's Mom.

Morris: Oh sweet candy coated Jesus. Why did you show him that?

Chloe: I wanted him to remember that scene since he believes that people can't come back to life!

Morris: First of all, why would you show him Bambi! Bambi is an ANIMAL, not a person.

Chloe: I knew there was a flaw somewhere in the plan.

Morris: Second, Jack watched the movie and was traumatized by THAT certain scene. He wouldn't stop crying for months.

Jack: WHY DID BAMBI'S MOM….WAAHHAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Chloe: If he was traumatized by that scene, how the Hell did he forget?

Morris: Because I made him forget. I did something to him that made him stop remembering that scene.

Chloe: Oh. I got you. (goes into her desk)

Morris: This is for your own good, Jack. (gets a huge book from Chloe's desk and whacks a crying Jack with it, knocking him out)

Chloe: What the Hell did you just do?

Morris: The same thing as last time. I knocked him out with a large book.

Chloe: I was going to use the Neutralizer on him.

Morris: How the Hell did you get one of those?

Chloe: I stole one from one of the Agents in case I needed it to erase any sort of trauma.

Morris: Like the Star Wars Holiday Special?

Chloe: THERE'S A WHAT?

Morris: Oh right. You're not supposed to remember that. (hits Chloe in the head, knocking her out) There. Now, neither of them will remember their nightmares. (looks at watch) Huh. Dinner isn't for another 13 hours. (shrugs) Oh well. (hits himself on head with book, knocking himself out)

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Oh my God. (throws script on desk) There are no amounts of Aspirin in the world to absorb the headache I am going through. Why didn't you go away for a year?

Me: Because I'm racist.

Editor: I would punch you in the balls right now…if you had any.

Me: Is it because I'm white?

Editor: YOU'RE BLACK, YOU IDIOT! Why didn't you go away for THREE months?

Me: Don't worry. After the next chapter, this whole thing will be over. You will never be heard of again but I will be promoting Harrison Laine.

Editor: STOP PROMOTING THINGS! THIS ISN'T A TALK SHOW! (picks up script) And what do you mean I'll never be heard of again?

Me: My ass is itchy.

Editor: Why am I complaining? As long as I don't have to see you, it's all for the greater good.

Me: (monotone) The greater good.

Editor: Shut it!

**Back to the story**

Milo looks around at the bodies on the floor. He begins to sing but he whispers.

Milo: Let the bodies hit the floor. Let the bodies hit the floor. Let the bodies hit the floor. Let the bodies hit the…(high hat sound) FLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR! (guitar wails, making everyone wake up)

Jack: MILO! WHAT THE F***! WE WERE PASSED OUT!

Milo: But I thought you were dead.

Chloe: Milo, you dumbass!

Morris: Yeah! What she said.

Milo: Sorry. I just wanted to ask if anyone wanted to watch a movie with me?

Jack: What movie is it?

Milo: The Star Wars Christmas Special.

Chloe: THE STAR WARS WHAT?

Morris: I got this. (hits Chloe in the head with book, knocking her out)

Milo: WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?

Morris: I was just making her forget about that movie by knocking her out.

Milo: WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT?

Morris: I thought there was an eight percent chance it would work.

Milo: 8 PERCENT!

Morris: Yeah.

Milo: WHO TAUGHT YOU MATH?

Bill comes in the room.

Bill: Good news everyone….

**ELSEWHERE**

An old man looks up in horror as his young relative comes in the room.

Phillip J. Fry: Hey, Professor. What's going on?

Professor Farnsworth: I suddenly got chills for some reason.

**Back to the story**

Jack: What's up, Bill.

Bill: We have been tipped off that a madman has killed two people and has taken their car.

Morris: Great. Was it anonymous?

Bill: No, he was a fruitcake.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (puts script down and takes out gun) I never knew a day would come where I saw a joke that was so terrible, I would have to do this. (puts gun to head)

Me: PLEASE, SIR! I need someone to read this. If you don't read it, then things will happen…and the signal will runs out and everything will strike.

Editor: And then what?

Me: (overdramatic) Checkmate.

Editor: (drops gun) Oh my God. Oh my God. (picks up script) I'm going to keep reading.

**Back to the story**

Milo: So, were there any tips on where he is going to be next?

Bill: I think there was but I had to hang up on him because he was wasting all my minutes.

Morris: I think I killed Chloe.

Bill: AGAIN? Okay, nobody panic. Jack, I need you to fill the bathtub with hot water. Milo, I need you to get sulfuric acid. Morris, I need you to get some rope, tie it into a noose, put your head through it, stand on a chair, hang the roof on a ceiling and push the chair away from your feet. And….break!

Morris: Wait a minute. Why do I have to hang myself?

Bill: Because you killed the only intelligent person in this workplace, you f***ing moron.

Morris: I may be a moron but I'm also an idiot.

Bill: Jack, if you will do the honors of killing Morris.

Jack: (pulls out gun) With pleasure.

Morris: Now, let not get hasty.

Milo: FOR CRYNG OUT LOUD! (takes out a needle) STAND BACK! (puts needle in Chloe's chest, who wakes up)

Chloe: (looks around) Where am I? Who are you people?

Morris: Oh my God! She's a racist! Time for some assisted suicide!

Chloe: I'm fine, you guys.

Jack: Chloe, we got some good news. We got a tip that Edgar was seen stealing a car!

Milo: Wait, how do we know it was Edgar? Bill said a madman stole a car!

Jack: This is 24! Anytime there is a madman, it is the madman we are looking for.

Chloe: So do we know where the madman is?

Morris: No, Bill hung up on the person.

Chloe: Is this because of minutes?

Bill: Yes. I don't like it when people eat my minutes when they talk.

Chloe: Bill, you don't have a cell phone. You don't have minutes. You don't even know HOW to use a phone.

Bill: Oh yeah. I saw it on TV.

Morris: Was it Edgar?

Bill: I don't know. I was too busy on the phone during that time.

Chloe: (goes to Bill, slaps him in face) You idiot! Do you know what you've done? You've doomed a nation! Who knows where he is now.

**6:11 am**

Edgar is driving a stolen car, angry.

Edgar: I'm so angry, I could eat a horse. (looks around) Hey, there's a restaurant.

_At the restaurant_

A man dressed like a woman is in a drive-thru.

Madea: Hell-err. I would like some eggs and bacon.

Voice Box: Sorry, we don't serve breakfast at this moment.

Madea: But it's six in the morning. I want my damn bacon and eggs!

Box: Well, you have to wait a few more minutes.

Madea: I want my Goddamn bacon and eggs or I will go crazy up in this bitch!

Box: I would like to see you try!

Madea: Well, I'll show you, you little…(sees a car driving towards her) oh sh...(gets hit by car, which goes into restaurant) F***.

Edgar: (comes out of car and goes to cashier)

Cashier: OH MY GOD! WHAT THE F***!

Edgar: Hi, I would like to make an order, please.

Cashier: That woman in that car must be seriously hurt!

Edgar: Oh don't worry. It's nothing. Now, I would like a cheeseburger…

Cashier: I got to call the cops! (runs away)

Edgar: GODDAMN IT! I WANT MY F***ING FOOD! (runs back to his car and drives away) I don't want to get arrested. Besides, there are more important things to do…first, kill Jack Bauer. (laughs) Bart Toons. That's hilarious. That's funn…(serious) I'm going to kill that man. Ooooh! A Burger King!

_MOMENTS LATER_

Edgar is in front of a Burger King restaurant, which explodes, as a police officer is writing down what he is saying.

Edgar: There was this black guy and had this look in his eye like, angry. And he was so black, that he was purple.

Cop: Sir, I was just asking if YOU did it.

Edgar: I'm a white guy. Of course I didn't do it. I'll tell you who really blew up this establishment…Chuck Norris.

CHUCK NORRRIIIIIIIIIIS!

Cop: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to get in the police car.

Edgar: Okay. (walks to the cop car, goes to the front seat and drives away with it)

Cop: In hindsight, I should've saw that coming. I don't want the guys at the station to know that my car was stolen. Should I call them or should I say something else to not make me look like a chicken.

_MOMENTS LATER…IN A HOSPITAL_

Cop: HEEEEEEELLP! I'VE BEEN SHOT!

Nurse: AAAAAAAHHHHH! A WHITE COP THAT HAS BEEN SHOT! (pulls out gun, shoots cop to death)

Patient: OH MY GOD! SHE KILLED SOMEONE!

Nurse: You all saw it! The man came at me with a bazooka!

Patient: But I didn't see him with a…

Nurse: (shoots Patient) There, now there are no witnesses. (sees another patient, aims gun at them)

Patient #2: No! Don't shoot me! I'm blind.

Nurse: (puts away gun) Oh okay.

_AFTER THE NURSE'S SHIFT, IN BED_

Nurse: (wakes up) Wait a minute. That patient saw my gun! He wasn't blind! (pulls out gun, gets out of bed)

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Do any of these subplots go anywhere?

Me: Nope.

Editor: Is it okay if I skip them?

Me: Sure.

Editor: Can you tell me why these pointless subplots, which I could skip over, are included in this?

Me: One more question and I cut you.

**Back to the story**

Edgar is driving the police car and he is drinking.

Edgar: (singing) 99 bottles of beer on the wall. 99 bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around…OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAND bottles of beer on the balls. (honks horn) I'm the cops! I have control! Movie bitch! Get out the way! I'm in the closet! (sees police sirens) Oh Jesus. Better put the metal to the petal.

Police: Sir! Please pull over.

Edgar: You'll never take me alive, coppers! (looks at gas) Awww f***.

_SECONDS LATER_

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Edgar: Because I'm black? It's always a racial thing, isn't it?

Officer: I pulled you over because you were driving rather erratically. Have you been drinking?

Edgar: (steps out of car) I have naht been drinking! (20 bottles of beer fall out of his lap) That's root beer. Momma's hard core root beer.

Officer: You ran over 50 people before you stopped…

Edgar: I had no choice. The gas ran out…and I kept damaging the engine by decapitating people with this car.

Officer: How the Hell do you do that with a car?

Edgar: (looks around, nervous) Um…uh…Bebe's Kids.

Officer: That joke is so old, it's older than slavery.

Edgar: Speaking of old, did you know that Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world?

Officer: Okay, you're clearly off your medication…

Edgar: DON'T YOU GET IT? YOU SEE THE HAT?

Officer: I don't see a hat…

Edgar: I…AM…MRS. NESBITT! OH HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

Officer: Okay. I think you need to step inside my car and I'll take you to jail.

Edgar: Fine. Could you clean up here?

Officer: I will. Just go in my car.

Edgar: (walks to police car…and drives away with it) NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: ARE YOU SERIOUS? HE DID THIS AGAIN?

Me: Indeed.

Editor: How many times are you going to rely on this plot hole?

Me: Plot hole…or plot holes cementer?

Editor: I want you to die. I want you to die. I REALLY want you to die.

Me: Do you know who else wants me dead?

Editor: If you say Chuck Norris, I will kill you faster than the results of The Green Lantern and Cowboys & Aliens…COMBINED!

Me: (looks down) I'll shut up.

**Back to the story**

**6:20 am**

Chloe is typing at her desk when Jack comes along.

Jack: Chloeeeee….I'm borrrred!

Chloe: You're supposed to be looking for Edgar!

Jack: But I don't wanna! I wanna go outside and play!

Chloe: No. You haven't done anything this past hour.

Jack: But how come everyone else gets to go outside for recess?

Chloe: Because they all worked very hard.

Jack: I hate you. (goes back to his desk job)

_OUTSIDE_

Milo, Morris and Bill are playing kickball with other kids.

Spinelli: Come on, Vince! Strike her out!

Morris: I'm a guy but thanks for noticing the eye shadow!

Vince: Here goes. (throws kickball)

Morris: I could pretend the ball is my ex girlfriend.

_FLASHBACK_

Morris and Rihanna are in a car…

**JOKE ABORTED**

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Morris: (kicks the ball) I DID IT! I DID IT! (runs around bases)

Vince: Catch the ball, Gus!

Gus: (sitting on a bench) But I'm not play…(ball hits him in the face)

_AT A NEARBY HOSPITAL_

Doctor: Time of death…(looks at watch) 6:22 am. (puts blanket over Gus's body) Now to tell this young man's parents that their son is dead.

Bill: Gus is dead. What do we do?

Milo: I don't know. STOP WITH THE QUESTIONS!

Bill: This was all Morris's fault. He kicked the ball that killed Gus!

Morris: But it was an accident.

Bill: That's BILL to you, you backstabbing murderer.

Morris: I guess I'll have to change my identity. I'll just take Bill's name.

Milo: Good idea.

Bill: No…GREAT idea. That way he could be another person so he wouldn't get arrested! So, which Bill are you planning on trading with?

Morris: Well…

Milo: No, no, Morris. He can figure this out on his own.

_FIVE YEARS LATER_

Bill: (realizes) OH MY GOD…HE'S TALKING ABOUT…oh wait…no.

_FIVE MORE YEARS LATER_

Bill: (realizes) OH MY GOD…HE'S TALKING ABOUT ME! I BETTER DO SOMETHING! (takes out gun, puts it to his head) DUHHHHHH….(shoots himself)

_THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN_

Bill: (realizes) OH MY GOD…HE'S TALKING ABOUT ME! I BETTER DO SOMETHING! I KNOW! I'll change my name, which is Morris's name, and I'll change it with Milo's name!

Milo: WHAT? (breaths) That means I'll have to change my name, which is Morris' name, to Bill's name, which the former Morris's name is.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (head blows up)

Me: Looks like heads…(puts on sunglasses) will roll. (walks away)

YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

**At the REAL editor's desk**

Editor: That doesn't make any sense!

Me: How can't it?

Editor: Well, my head blew up and you said heads will roll…that doesn't make any sense!

Me: You know what didn't make any sense?

Editor: What?

Me: Chuck Nor….

**After a funeral for a certain writer, the story comes back**

Morris: So, I have the name Morris. Bill has the name Bill. Milo has the name Milo. Good. Now, everything is the way I planned.

Officer: (comes to them) Excuse me. I'm looking for the murderer of Gus Grizzwold…I think that's how you spell his name. Which one of you is Morris?

Morris: I'm Morris….FUCK! (runs away)

Officer: WAIT! I WAS GOING TO SAY WE PUNK'D YOU! (takes off uniform) I'm Ashton Kutcher!

Morris: You'll never take me alive, coppers! I will prove my innocence or my name isn't the guy formerly known as Morris formerly known as Bill formerly known as Milo formerly known Bill formerly known as Morris formerly known as Bill formerly known as Milo formerly known as Bill formerly now known as Morris!

Ashton: But we got Gus here! GUS!

Gus: (comes out of a room) That's what you get for telling me that I looked like that kid from that show Being Ian!

Morris: You can't fool me! I know that's his twin brother! (runs to window and dangles himself out of it)

Gus: But there's something I have to tell you….about your twin brother.

Morris: YOU MONSTER! YOU KILLED MY TWIN BROTHER!

Gus: No, Morris. I am your twin brother.

Morris: (shaking his head, crying) NO! THAT'S NOT TRUE! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! NOOOOOOOO!

Gus: Now join me…to the cartoon side.

Morris: I WILL NEVER JOIN YOU! (falls out of window)

Bill: (taps Milo) Remember when we used to be a counter terrorist unit?

Milo: You forgot the hyphen between the words counter and terrorist.

Bill: You know what YOU forgot?

Milo: What?

Bill: A guess big pile of SHUT THE HELL UP!

Milo: Okay…

**6:29 am **

Edgar is driving the police car when he notices someone in the back seat.

Edgar: Who the Hell are you?

R. Kelly: (singing) The pudgy white man asks.

Edgar: Are you R. Kelly?

R. Kelly: (singing) I say yes to his answer.

Edgar: What are you doing in the backseat?

R. Kelly: (singing) I swallow my spit and I told him. I was singing a song that lasts over 89 chapters. The people got annoyed and told me to stop before I die. I've been doing this since 2004 and when I had sex with a hooker, I kept singing.

Edgar: (thinking) It was probably his first time.

R. Kelly: (singing) I said, SHUT UP! I'm trying to tell the story! But then, she called the cops because she was annoyed that I was singing about what we were doing. Then the cops came in and pushed me against the wall! And then I looked her…and I looked at him…and he looked at her….and she looked at me…and I looked at him….and he looked at her…and he looked at me…and I looked at him…and she….

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (flips through pages) Jesus F***ING Christ! This thing goes on for AGES!

Me: (comes in to the room) Good morning!

Editor: Excuse me. I thought you were dead.

Me: Nope…..

**Back to the story**

Edgar: So, you get arrested for singing during sex?

R. Kelly: (singing) That's right, Mr. Edgar. And I have a secret. You see I know some things that you don't know, isn't that an achievement?

Edgar: And what is that? Please tell me?

R. Kelly: I'm not really R. Kelly.

Edgar: Wait. You stopped singing.

R. Kelly: I know. But no one is going to believe you.

Edgar: What the Hell are…

R. Kelly: Goodbye, Puppet. (pulls put a gun, shoots Edgar, car swerves into a traffic light) And that's the end of the story. (gets out of the car) Time to change into my actual form. (changes into blob and turns into…)

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (looks at page) Into what? INTO WHAT?

Me: I can't tell you until he gets to CTU.

Editor: Couldn't you have put the Edgar getting shot to death scene at the end so it could add on to the surprises?

Me: In 24? People are sick of surprises? Every time there is a surprise, someone gets kidnapped!

Editor: I'd rather someone getting kidnapped then the crap you keep writing up!

Me: Keep reading or I will destroy you!

Editor: Oh yeah? With what?

Me: (takes out a DVD of Batman and Robin) How about this?

Editor: Okay. You got me. If you showed me, Star Wars Episode 1, I would've paid you $400,000 right now!

Me: But don't I get that much anyways?

Editor: (pulls out gun, shoots) Trix are for kids.

**At the REAL editor's desk**

Editor: I'm sorry. How does that line make sense?

Me: It was because you were eating Trix cereal.

Editor: No, I wasn't.

Me: OK, but you know who WAS eating Trix cereal at the time?

Editor: Who?

Me: …..

**Back to the story**

**6: 35 am**

Back at CTU, where…

Me: Chuck Norris.

CHUCK NORRIIIIIIII…..

**After the "suicide" of the writer…**

Chloe is sitting alone at the CTU kitchen…after booby-trapping a microwave.

Chloe: (eating crackers) I hate Bill. I hate Bill.

Bill: (comes in) Hey, Chloe! (looks at microwave) Oh God, I hate this show. Turn this off.

Chloe: (puts a cracker to her mouth) Do it yourself.

Bill: What did you say?

Chloe: (shaking her head) I said you could DAMN WELL DO IT YOURSELF, BILL!

Bill: Why do you have to be so mean to me?

_**ELSEWHERE…**_

A woman in touching plants while crying…

Woman: Why is it so mean?

**Back to the story**

Bill: You know what? Fine! (goes to microwave) I'll turn it off! (looks at Chloe and smiles…and presses the button) AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! (body flashes green) OH NO! I'VE BEEN LISTERINED! (falls to ground) Make sure my coffin…is minty fresh….

Chloe: (laughs) This is so funny…too bad Bill isn't dead. Right, Bill? (looks over at Bill) Bill? (looks around, nervous) Bill? Oh God. Oh Man. Oh God. Oh Man. (spins around) Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man Oh God Oh Man.

Bill: (gets up) HI, CHLOE!

Chloe: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! ZOMBIE! (pulls out pistol, shoots Bill…runs out of bullets….pulls out shotgun, fires consistently at Bill)

Bill: What the Hell? Cut it out!

Chloe: Crying won't get you anywhere! (drops shotgun and pulls out a bomb)

Bill: Where the Hell did you get that?

Chloe: I bought it on the Internet.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (nods his head) Yeah…yeah, was a stupid question.

**Anyways…**

Chloe: (puts bomb into Bill's mouth) It's nice when things are just blown out of proportion!

Bill: Oh, that's just stu…(blows up, body parts fly everywhere)

Chloe: Are you alright?

Bill's Head: Kill me, please.

Chloe: (melodramatic) No…I can't. You're my best friend…who I tried to kill.

Bill's Head: Please…it really hurts!

Chloe: (grabs a shovel that just so HAPPENS to be against a wall) Bye Bye, buddy.

Bill's Head and Chloe: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Chloe: (smashes Bill's head away, killing him) Bye bye, buddy.

Milo: (comes in and looks in the kitchen…then nods) I'll get a mop. (walks away)

Chloe: (kneels to ground) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Jack: (comes in, looks around) Again?

Chloe: JACK! (gets up) You weren't supposed to see this!

Jack: Chloe: Every time, a chapter in this story is being written, you KILL someone!

Chloe: It's because of the writer of this story! He doesn't know what he's doing anymore! He puts in so many plot points that it's just filler now! (pulls out pistol) And I can't take anymore!

Jack: Chloe! We're almost done this story! And soon, we will be free from all this stupidity!

Chloe: We will never be free. We will never be free. (puts pistol to her head) And so you will not stop me, I will put this whole sequence in slow motion.

Jack: WHAT? (goes to her….in slow motion) NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!

Chloe: (shoots herself….

**6:40 am**

…and wakes up) What the Hell? Where am I?

Morris: (walks to her) You're at your desk. You passes out dreaming about killing Bill for a few minutes.

Chloe: Oh, that's a relief. I will never…(looks at Morris) How did you know I had a dream about killing Bill?

Morris: (looks around, nervous) Ummm…The Bat Sig…

Chloe: Morris!

Morris: I guess you shall know the truth. (points behind Chloe) WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

Chloe: (looks away) I'll bite.

Morris: Keep looking! (throws away script to 24 – Chapter 23) Awww, it was only a unicorn.

Chloe: (looks at Morris) A unicorn? Really? Morris, how many times do we have to go over the whole unicorn thing?

Morris: (looks down at shoes) Unicorns are not allowed in CTU.

Milo: (comes in) Guys, did you see the news?

Chloe: No, what happened?

Milo: Someone murdered Edgar in a police car?

Morris: I thought he was already dead.

Chloe, Morris and Milo break the 4th wall and look at the reader.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Okay, here's something I don't think I asked: If you wrote this story, how come you keep explaining the plot holes?

Me: (looks around, nervous) Ummmm…the bat signal! (cell phone rings) Hello? (gets shot through head)

Editor: This guy keeps making the same jokes. It's like Family Guy except funnier.

**Back to the story**

**6:42 am**

Jack and Bill look at the news reports of Edgar's death.

Bill: Well, looks like the worst is over for us.

Jack: Not quite, Sir.

Bill: How the Hell do you know.

Jack: I have my sources. (throws away script) Look, Bill, I have the strangest feeling this isn't over.

Bill: Are you telling me that this isn't over?

Suddenly, a crowd comes in and carries away a man in a hat, which happens to be…

Christopher Walken: This is not over…BEARS!

The crowd then leaves…with no one ever mentioning that scene again.

**At the editor's desk**

Me: (as a bloody corpse) THE BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR….

Editor: AAAAAAHHHHHH! (pulls out pistol, shoots)

Me: OW! THAT HURT! (drops to floor)

A woman comes into the room.

Woman: Is everything alright in here?

Editor: It's okay, it's only filler.

Woman: (sings) 'Cuz this is FILLER! FILLER…(gets shot through head)

Editor: I'm sorry, this is just getting annoying.

**Back to the story**

Bill: Why isn't this over?

Jack: Well, the news said Edgar stole a police car and was shot from behind. Seeing as that the back windows weren't broken because of bullet holes, SOMEONE had to shoot him from inside of the car, not out.

Bill: So, what you're telling me is that we have SOMEONE ELSE to go after.

Jack: I'm afraid so.

Bill: How are we going to find this person! The things we think are valuable resources crap out on us and then leave the story all together!

Jack: We're CTU, the bad guys usually come to us.

Bill: Actually, it's usually you. You attract these people like flies on honey?

Jack: Don't you mean, flies on vinegar?

Bill: (pulls out shotgun, shoots Jack) I do not like to be corrected.

Jack: You're lucky I'm wearing my bulletproof vest.

Bill: (looks at Jack's chest) But you're not wearing a…

Chloe, Morris and Milo come in.

Chloe: I just heard the news! Is it true?

Bill: How did you know that I was in here?

Chloe: Morris told me.

Morris: Milo told me.

Milo: God told me.

Chloe: Wait a minute. I thought you were Jewish. What's this crap about this God person?

Milo: (looks around, nervous) Uhhh…the ba….

Morris: Nope. The bat signal isn't going to work this time.

Milo: (starts shaking) AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! (body torn apart and a creature comes out of it)

Chloe: OH MY GOD! IT'S THE THING! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!

A man comes in the room.

Kurt Russell: Don't worry! I'm on it! (pulls out a flamethrower and blasts it at The Thing)

Morris: OH MY GEEEOOOOOOOOODDDD!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (puts script on table) Okay, I can't read anymore.

Me: Why? Are you illiterate?

Editor: No, you moron. And I'd ask if why you are alive, when you were dead before but the answer would just confuse me more.

Me: It had something to do with the Book of the Dead.

Editor: Look, why can't you write a proper story? This is the worst thing you've ever written.

Me: We both know that's not true…remember the Weekenders story I wrote.

Editor: Okay, this is the 2nd worst but 78% of this story is just filler!

Me: Don't worry. You're almost done with this chapter.

Editor: Why the Hell did it take you 6 months to do this ONE chapter?

Me: To know karate!

Editor: But why did you make me paint your fence before the 1st chapter was read by me?

Me: (looks around, nervous) To know karate!

Editor: You wanted me to read it, didn't you?

Me: (looks down, sad) Yes, yes, I did.

Editor: Then why did you have me wash your car?

Me: (happy) Two for one deal!

Editor: (pulls out rocket launcher and shoots)

Me: PLUTO'S BALLS! (explodes)

Editor: (pulls rocket launcher away and reads script) He'll be back.

**Back to the vomited remains of the story **

**6:49 am**

CTU has been 67% destroyed but the people are okay.

Jack: Thank God everyone is safe.

Chloe: Thank God we found the REAL Milo and that thing was destroyed.

Bill: I'm still not convinced that we have the real Milo.

Milo: (flailing) I DO NOT WANT TO CATCH THE PREGNANCY!

Morris: No, we got the right one.

Chloe: So, let's continue where we left off…is Edgar really dead…again?

Bill: Yes, but now we have to capture the person who killed Edgar, he may be evil.

Milo: How do we know he's evil, he could be a good guy.

Jack: Milo: This is 24. Someone who kills a bad guy is automatically a bad guy.

Milo: Not really, he might be one of us and just wants to have this madness stop. He might've just wanted the world to be a better place so he took matters into his own hands.

Chloe: That…sounds plausible.

Jack: I know…but MILO said it. (punches Morris)

Morris: OW! WHAT THE FUCK!

Jack: Sorry, I had to see if I was dreaming.

Morris: If you want to know that you're dreaming, you have to pinch YOURSELF!

Jack: No, if you want to know you're dreaming, (pulls out pistol) you have to SHOOT yourself. (shoots self)

_**REWIND SEVERAL SECONDS EARLIER…**_

Jack: Sorry, I had to see if I was dreaming.

Morris: If you want to know that you're dreaming, you have to pinch YOURSELF!

Jack: Oh. (thunder)

Chloe: So, what do we do now?

Bill: We wait for the guy to show up here.

Morris: Why?

Bill: Because the bad guys want Jack ALWAYS, so this will be the first place they'll look for him.

Milo: But he might not be a bad guy.

Bill: Look, Milo, this chapter will be over soon, so the shooter will come here to wrap everything up.

Suddenly, a car drives through the walls and everyone moves out of the way. The car opens and someone steps outside of it.

Jack, Chloe, Milo, Morris, Bill: HOLY SHIT!

Cheney: Good afternoon, people.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: HOLY SHIT!

Me: (gets up) See? I told you everything would make sense!

**Back to the story**

Chloe: We thought you were dead.

Cheney: Well…I got better.

Bill: Why? How?

Cheney: Well, you see, I knew I had to have a bunch of fall guys for my plan. So, I hired Saddam and Heath/Edgar to be fall guys. I had Saddam kill me so he could move on with my plan so no one would suspect me!

Jack: Wasn't Saddam a robot and Heath was his boyfriend who turned out to be Edgar who was working with Audrey?

Cheney: Yeah...

Jack: If you were in Hell, why didn't you ask the REAL Saddam to help you?

Cheney: Yeah….I really didn't think this through. You see, I knew this was all going to fall to the ground, which was an advantage for me. And, once, I escaped from Hell and returned as R. Kelly, and shot Edgar, I would return to finish my plan.

Morris: Which is?

Cheney: TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Milo: Didn't that plan originate from taking over television?

Cheney: Yeah but I came up with a better plan and abandoned taking over TV forever!

Jack: So, HOW are you going to take over the world?

Cheney: I'm not telling you.

Jack: (walks up to Cheney) You're a monster.

Cheney: EVERYBODY says that.

Jack: You killed innocent people!

Cheney: I started a revolution!

Jack: You started a massacre!

Cheney: A means to an end!

Jack: YOU BETRAYED THE LAW!

Cheney: LAWWWWWWWW!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (laughing) WHAT THE HELL? WHY DID THEY SAY LAWWWWWWW?

Me: It was funny! You want me to rewrite it?

Editor: Please! (laughing)

Me: (pulls out piece of paper) Here you go.

**Back to the story**

Jack: You killed innocent people!

Cheney: I started a revolution!

Jack: You started a massacre!

Cheney: A means to an end!

Jack: I WAS FROZEN TODAY!

Cheney: OH YEAH? WELL? (stares at Jack, awkwardly)

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Me: Don't ask me what's wrong with me! HOW DARE YOU?

Editor: Well, don't ask like your King of the Universe all the time!

Me: I WORKED VERY HARD ON THIS STORY!

Editor: Pfffttt! Hard work! You know nothing about hard work…

Me: I WAS FROZEN TODAY!

Editor: (stares)

Me: (stares)

Editor: (while holding stare, gets up from desk, opens room door, walks out of it, closes door)

**Okay….back to the story**

**6:58 am**

Cheney: And now, that I have your attention…(pulls out detonator)

Jack: HA! YOU FORGOT THE BOMB!

Cheney: The bomb is planted all around the building, you moron.

Milo: Wait, so you wired this place to blow and then you crashed into it?

Chloe: Hey, Milo's pointing out all the plot holes!

Cheney: Say, good night, people! (about to push button, but gets knocked out by a man in a black suit)

Morris: Who are you?

Man: I'm Dom Cobb. I'm here to help you with the terrorist mission. (puts down knock-out weapon, which is a silver suitcase)

Jack: What are you doing here?

Cobb: (opens case) We need to get the idea that Cheney will not go forth with taking over the world.

Morris: Couldn't we just lock him up?

Cobb: He escaped from Hell, I don't think he'll have a problem escaping.

Jack: So, what are we going to do?

Cobb: (pulls out a needle and puts it into one of Cheney's veins) We have to go into his mind and plant the idea in his head that he will not go forth with the plan.

Bill: Wait, we're going to drug him?

Cobb: No. (puts a needle in his own vein) We need to fall asleep in order to put the idea in his head. Does anyone have a few glasses of water?

Morris: (walks in with a few glasses of water) I'm here. What am I missing?

Cobb: (pulls out pills) These will put you into a deep sleep so we can do this whole thing.

Milo: Do what?

Cobb: We have to go in a dream within a dream within a dream.

Jack: You're a madman! A MADMAN!

Cobb: I need your help to get to this. One of you will have to stay to help us sleep and play music when the final chapter is near done.

Bill: That'll be me.

Cobb: Okay. (pulls out headphones) Put it on the young lady's head when the time is right.

Bill: Who? Morris?

Cobb: No, her. (points to Chloe)

Bill: Oh okay. (takes headphones)

Cobb: Everyone take a needle and put it into your vein.

Jack, Chloe, Morris and Milo put a needle into their vein.

Cobb: (looks at Jack) What's his name?

Jack: Bill.

Cobb: Bill, I need you to push the big yellow button so we can sleep.

Bill: Got it. (about to push button) Good luck, guys.

Jack: We'll be back.

Bill: I hope so. (pushes button)

Everything goes dark.

**6:59:57**

**6:59:58**

**6:59:59**

**7:00:00**

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (puts script down) Dude, it was about to get interesting!

Me: Please, don't call me dude.

Editor: Sorry, dude. DUDE! (slaps forehead) Sorry about that, dude. DUDE, SORRY!

Me: Stop!

Editor: OKAY! So, when are you giving us the final chapter?

Me: It'll be up to me…(looks up at sky)…it'll be up to me.

Editor: (looks up) What are you looking at?

Me: My Oscar win.

**THE FINAL CHAPTER OF 24…coming soon. (Google Harrison Laine for movies reviews!)**

Editor: I TOLD YOU! STOP PROMOTING THAT SHIT!

Me: (pulls out machine gun) I'm going to give you until the count of three…to get your ugly yella', no good ass off my property! Before I pump your guts full of lead!

Editor: What the Hell are you talking about?

Me: I'll do it! One….two…(shoots Editor to "death")

Editor: Keep the change, you filthy animal.


	24. Chapter 24

Disclaimer! I DO NOT OWN ANY 24 CHARACTERS! IF I DID, I WOULD RULE THE WORLD! (of course!)

**Previously on 24...**

Jack, Morris, Milo, Chloe, Bill are in a writing room, frustrated.

Jack: Well, (smashes pen on table) WE'RE F***ED! WE'VE RAN OUT OF JOKES!

Bill: (slaps Jack) THAT'S NOT TRUE! We've been doing this for 23 chapters!

Chloe: Haven't you noticed that it's taken over a YEAR to get this whole thing done?

Morris: Oh God. Oh Man. Oh God.

Milo: STOP IT! EVERYONE! CAN'T YOU SEE YOU'RE TEARING ME APART?

Bill: People, calm down! Nobody has noticed that we've been using the same joke 17 times over!

Chloe: You do realize that we ARE in a script, right. And everything we're saying is being typed out.

Jack: (kneels on ground and points to the sky...ceiling) Damn you, God. WHY? WHYYYYYYYY?

Milo: DAMMIT, JACK! GET A HOLD ON YOURSELF!

Jack: (pulls out gun, goes to Milo, aims) HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU! NEVER USE MY WORD!

Chloe: Jack! Calm down!

Jack: I AM CALM! I'M CHILL! I'M COOL AS ICE!

Suddenly, the door opens and in comes...

Vanilla Ice: Yup, yup. (grabs a microphone out of nowhere and starts dancing) Yo, yo, yo.

Morris: Did ANYONE in this room call for a Vanilla Ice joke?

Bill: I think his dancing and rapping is making me sick.

Jack: (shoots Vanilla Ice) Now this guy (puts on sunglasses) just got iced. (stands on writers table) YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH! (plays air guitar)

Chloe: Jack! What the Hell? You SHOT someone.

All: (except Chloe) And?

Chloe: This is real life, not a fictional story written by a deranged sociopath!

Milo: But I thought we wrote the story.

Chloe: Do you want to go back in the box?

Milo: Please don't send me back there.

Bill: Wait, (pulls out 24 – Chapter 24 script) the beginning of the script CLEARY says...hold on a minute...JACK! GODDAMN IT, STOP PLAYING THAT DAMN GUITAR!

Jack: But I'm not playing any instrument...

Bill: (pulls out gun, aims it at Jack) DON'T GIVE ME ANY LIP, BOY!

Jack: (pulls out gun, aims it at Bill) DON'T LIP ME ABOUT GIVING ME LIP!

Morris: (pulls out gun, aims it at Bill) PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN!

Milo: (pulls out gun) OH MY GOD! WHO DO I SHOOT FIRST!

Chloe: Wait a minute...who gave Milo a gun?

Everybody stares at Milo for a few seconds before the door opens and a person peeks in.

Shaggy: (the rapper) Wasn't me. (closes door) *awkward silence as everyone puts their gun away*

Bill: Now, as I was saying to you F***ING MORONS, the script says that WE write the scripts for this show.

Chloe: (pulls out gun, aims at Bill) I TOLD YOU ONCE, I TOLD YOU TWICE, NEVER EVER EVER GIVE ME LOGIC LESSONS, YOU F***ING TWAT! (calms down) Okay, now, let's hide the body in a place where no one will find it.

**A car ride later**

Jack: (gets out of the driver's seat) Okay, we take the body out of the trunk and we dump it in a river.

Chloe: (out of the passenger's seat) How you say it sounds like you've done this before.

Bill: (gets out of back seat with Morris) Guys, I've tried to call Audrey but she hasn't been answering her phone...for 3 weeks.

Chloe: Care to explain, Jack.

Jack: Nope. (7 second silence)

Morris: Uhhh, Jack. I saw some dried blood on the back seats.

Jack: Chloe just had her period. (opens trunk and pulls Vanilla Ice's body out)

Chloe: WHAT? I DIDN'T HAVE MY PERIOD!

Jack: (drops Ice in horror) I KNEW YOU WEREN'T A WOMAN!

Morris: I WASN`T DATING A WOMAN! JELLY SIDE DOWN! JELLY SIDE DOWN!

Chloe: I am a woman! I didn't have my period and I was sitting in the front seat with you.

Jack: (looks at Milo) Maybe...Milo is a woman?

Milo: (looks shocked) They know my secret. I can't let them confirm this.

Morris: Milo. We can hear what you're saying loud and clear.

Milo: I was supposed to be thinking my thoughts instead of talking out loud, huh?

Jack: DAMMIT! HELP ME WITH VANILLA ICE! (lifts body) What the... (looks closely at body) THIS IS JUST A DUMMY!

Bill: Yeah, but he sells albums! (everybody looks at Bill, with a 'did you really just say that?' look)

Voice: HEY, MOTHER F***ERS! (everyone turns around...it's Vanilla Ice) IT'LL TAKE MORE THAN BULLETS TO KILL MY CAREER! (pulls out semi-automatic and shoots everyone to death) It looks like they got iced...(puts on sunglasses) by the Ice Man. (fireworks go off behind him as he says YEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHH!)

**At the REAL writing room**

Jack: ...And then, Santa Claus and Jesus Christ would come and do a rap song with Vanilla Ice about the importance of peace and harmony!

Chloe: (stares at Jack) Jack...that has got to be the dumbest thing I have ever heard...and we wrote your lines from the beginning of the story.

Milo: Yeah, I'm the stupidest person here and even I found that horribly stupid.

Chloe: See, Jack? When MILO of all people says your idea is stupid, THAT is when you've become the dumbest person in the room.

Jack: Uhhhh, Bebe's Kids?

Morris: Get the f***out of this room.

Bill: (comes into the room) What the Hell are you guys doing here?

Milo: We've writing the last chapter to this amazing story.

Chloe: Milo, I've told you once and I've told you twice, when you talk about this story, put quotes around the word amazing.

Morris: What's up, Morris?

Bill: Haven't you heard?

Jack: Oh yeah. I've heard.

Bill: Oh yeah? (crosses arms) What have you heard?

Jack: That the bird is the word! (pulls out stereo and dances to music on table) About the bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word. About the bird, bird...(gets shot by Chloe, passes out)

Chloe: I'm sorry, last time he did that, it went on for 4 hours. What's up, Bill.

Bill: We've been cancelled.

Milo: (flips over table) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (runs in circles in the room)

Morris: Is there a reason, why?

Bill: Because nobody knows about this "show".

Chloe: Why are there quotes around the word show?

Bill: Never mind that right now. We all have to stay calm and find a reasonable solution to our problems. (pulls out sawed off shotgun) NOW LET'S BITCH AND MOAN TO THE PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE! WHO'S WITH ME?

Jack: (gets up, pulls out pistol) I AM!

Chloe: (gets up, pulls out handballers) LET'S GO!

Milo: (pulls out sniper rifle) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Morris: (pulls out golf club) WHOO-HOO!

Bill: (pulls out machine gun) I LOVE YOU! YOU LOVE ME! LET'S GO KILL SOME OLD PANSY!

All: WHOOOOOOOOOOO! (run out of room)

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (looks at watch) How long has it been since that idiot has been here?

Me: (bursts into room) Sorry, I'm late!

Editor: Where the f*** have you been? IT'S BEEN MONTHS SINCE YOUR LAST CHAPTER...SINCE JANUARY!

Me: Sorry. I had to promote Harrison Laine's videos.

Editor: But THOSE were finished MONTHS ago!

Me: (looks around, nervously) Well, there was an incident at the end of the last video and...I had to...get away from people...

Editor: Well, anyway, your last chapter has been LONG overdue.

Me: Sir, with all due respect, who would wait ALL these months just to find out what happens at the end of a story?

_ELSEWHERE_

A girl is waiting in front of her computer screen, going slightly mad.

Snheetah: Come on! Where is the damn chapter! I've waited months and months for it to come! (kneels on ground and screams) WHY IS THE WORLD SO CRUEL! WHYYYYYYYYYYYY...

**At the editor's desk**

Me: If it's anything like that fan girl of my CSI stories, I'm in for a world of hurt.

Editor: Duly noted, now where the f*** is the script.

Me: (pulls out 24 – Chapter 24 script) Here it is! Mind you, I wrote it in an hour.

Editor: Then why didn't you hand this in a week AFTER chapter 23?

Me: Uhhhh...I wrote it this morning.

Editor: (looks at script) Is that why there`s only one page?

Me: Yes and it`s epic.

Editor: Oh, God.

_**The following takes place between 7:00 am to 8:00 am**_

Jack, Chloe, Morris, Milo and Bill are sitting at a table.

Jack: Well, I...(CTU blows up, killing everybody inside) End of series.

**At the editor`s desk**

Editor: You can`t be serious.

Me: I AM! Isn`t it a perfect end to a great show?

Editor: That was barely 10 seconds! What about the other 59 minutes and 50 seconds?

Me: It`s just be a black screen. It`s like a 59 minutes and 50 seconds of silence to all the people who died on the show!

Editor: Wouldn`t that just piss people off?

Me: Like who?

_ELSEWHERE_

A girl looks at the latest chapter of 24 of her computer screen.

Snheetah: That...was...AWESOME! (looks closely at script) Wait...who is this fan girl who says she likes his CSI stories. (pulls out gun) Time to get rid of another fan girl. (turns around to computer behind her) Open the pod bay doors, Hal.

Hal 9000: I`m sorry, Miss. But Marcen12 stories are too important for me to let you kill people who like his stories.

Snheetah: Fine. I`ll use Dexter`s laboratory computer. (leaves room) I will find that fan girl...even if it takes me immediately.

**OOOOOkaaaaaaay...**

Editor: Okay. You cannot be serious about this.

Me: Well...(door opens) What the f***?

Jack, Chloe, Morris, Milo and Bill crash the editor`s room...holding guns.

Jack: We want answers!

Editor: FOR WHAT?

Chloe: You cancelled our show!

Morris: We spent a year writing a script for this show and before it finishes, YOU cancel us?

Editor: I`m the editor, I have no say on what gets can...wait a minute, YOU people have been writing scripts? (looks at Me) Then who the f*** are you?

Me: I WRITE THE SCRIPTS! THESE ARE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS!

Editor: (looks at angry crowd) If you`re angry characters, how come you write scripts to make yourselves dumber?

Milo: Because this idiot writes them!

Editor: Okay. Who writes these damn scripts? You guys or him?

Morris: (looks around, nervous) Uhhh...Chuck Nor...(gets shot)

Editor: (pulls back pistol) Anyone else want to make a recurring joke?

Milo: I think...(gets shot)

Me: You`re shooting the main characters! I NEED TO WRITE THEM IN THE STORY!

Editor: F*** your story! (phone rings, picks up) Uh huh. Bye. (hangs up) Good gravy. It turns out that your show was never cancelled at all.

Chloe: It wasn`t? (turns to Bill) Exactly, WHO told you that our show was getting cancelled?

Bill: Some guy I made up.

Jack: (takes Editor`s gun, shoots Bill, gives it back) Have a nice day. (walks out of room, with him and Chloe dragging out the bodies)

Chloe: Don`t worry. We`ll edit this in post. (closes door)

Editor: How the Hell do you edit actual deaths in post?

Me: Sir...this story has the stupidest characters, the most moronic plot twists, asinine recurring jokes and a plot that makes EVERY SINGLE JAPANESE GAME SHOW EVER MADE seem normal...and THAT is what you`re questioning?

Editor: I`ve been bitching and moaning about this story since day 1!

Me: But we weren`t IN the first chapter!

Editor: YOU DIE NOW! (shoots Me in the face)

...

...

...

Me: ...And that`s how I met your mother.

Editor: That has got to be the longest, unfunniest joke I have EVER heard.

Me: I know. I was just stalling for time.

Editor: Stalling? For what?

Me: (looks around, nervous) Uhhh...the Bat Sig...

Editor: NO! NOT THAT DUMBASS JOKE AGA...

A window crashes and in comes the Caped Crusader himself.

Editor: OH MY GOD! HE`S REAL!

Batman: (deep voice) That`s right, I`m real! Tell your friends. (looks at Me) Here you go. (tosses a package on desk)

Me: Thanks, Batman!

Batman: Remember, it`s not who you are inside, but who you make yourself to be. (flies out window)

Editor: So...you know the Batman, huh?

Me: Yep.

Editor: I`ve killed you several times and you didn't tell me you were best buds with Batman.

Me: I`m not a show off. (lifts package off desk, opens it, passes Editor the contents) And now, here`s the final script.

Editor: (takes it) Over a year of psychological torture all leading up to the moment. Let`s do this.

_**The following takes place between 7:00 am to 8:00 am...well, actually, dreams really don`t have much time...f*** it.**_

**7:00 am **

The first dream

Morris is outside a building, where it is raining hard. A car pulls up next to him and he gets in, where Dom, Jack and Chloe are)

Dom: It`s raining...who had too much to drink. (everyone looks at Morris) How drunk are you?

Morris: (rolls down windows and throws up) Not too bad.

Jack: Okay, so what are we doing here?

Dom: Well, we are in New York, so this is Morris`s dream.

Chloe: Morris`s dream? I thought it would have liquor stores everywhere...like New Jersey. And I thought it would smell bad...like New Jersey.

Dom: So, I got Milo to kidnap Cheney so we...

Jack: Wait, Cheney is with us?

Dom: Yes and we need Jack here to tell us Cheney`s plans.

Chloe: But we KNOW Cheney`s plans.

Dom: But we need to know HOW he does it. And with Jack here, we will give it to us.

Jack: (pulls guns out of pockets) Interrogation is my middle name.

Morris: I wasn't aware you had a middle name.

Chloe: This plan sounds fine and dandy but...who did you say was going to kidnap Cheney?

Dom: Milo.

Jack, Chloe and Morris: Uh oh.

Jack: (hears crashing, looks behind him) Uhhhh, guys. I think I see Milo.

Dom: (looks where Jack is looking) Yeah, didn't we see him like 2 minutes ago, yet, he has like 40 dents in that car.

Milo: (drives past them, talks very quickly) Igotcheneydriveasfastasyoucan! (speeds off)

Jack: (starts car) Put the pedal to the metal...WHAT THE HELL? (sees a train pass by them) WHAT THE F*** IS A TRAIN DOING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD? That`s just wacky! I mean, what`s next? Card games on motorcycles?

Random Person: (appears beside Jack) CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES! (Jack shoots RP)

Jack: Let`s roll! (drives very fast)

Morris: Careful! Watch the speed limit! (police sirens are chasing the cars) SON OF A BITCH!

Dom: Those are projections!

Chloe: Sorry?

Dom: Projections are shields! I guess Cheney`s subconscious has learned to defend itself.

Chloe: I guess that explains the train on the road.

Dom: (looks up, melodramatically) Yes...it would explain the train. (My Heart Will Go On is playing in his head)

The cars are driving away from the projections and are being shot at. Jack`s side mirror is shot off.

Jack: Those mother- (leans out window, shoots at police cars) I just got this car! I`ll kill you all!

Chloe: How are you driving perfectly while shooting at the same time?

Jack: I bet you didn't know that my ass has its own license plate.

Morris: That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.

Jack: The stupidest thing you`ve heard in your life...so far!

Jack hits something and it flies in the air.

Dom: What the Hell was that?

Jack: Who cares? It`s the city, hit and runs happen all the time

Chloe: (looks behind her) Wasn`t that Cindy Campbell?

Morris: What the Hell was she doing in the middle of the road?

Silence.

**At the editor`s desk**

Editor: What, no joke?

Me: Sorry, I drew a blank. (laughs loudly) HAAA! GET IT! BECAUSE YOU DRAW A BLANK MEANING...(stops awkwardly when seeing Editor`s blank expression) HA! GET IT! Because...blank expression? Draw a blank? (gets shot in face by Editor)

Editor: (puts away gun) Now, YOU have been blanked.

Me: (gets up) YEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH! (gets shot...again)

**Back to the story**

After a shooting drive out...

Dom: Turn here!

Jack: Don`t tell me what to do! I`m Jack Bauer, bitch! (turns left, into a garage, parks car)

Chloe: Milo? (car crashes through garage behind them)

Milo: (drops out of car) Ooooh, f***!

Dom: What the f*** happened? (goes to Milo)

Milo: I got shot when I got Cheney. (shows them bullet wound in stomach) I feel like I`m dying.

Jack: (pulls out gun) Well, I can fix that.

Dom: Don`t! Don`t do this!

Jack: Why the f*** not? Didn`t you hear what I said earlier? I`m Jack Bauer. I can decide who lives and who dies!

Dom: Listen to me. We`ve taken a sedative that is extremely powerful and we won`t wake up if you kill ourselves or each other. Because of the sedative, if you die, you go in limbo.

Chloe: Limbo? What the Hell is that?

Dom: An unconstructed dream space where the dreamer would be trapped indefinitely.

Morris: Oh, you got to be f***ing kidding me?

Chloe: If you knew all this, why didn't you tell us this BEFORE we went into the dreams?

Dom: (looks around, nervous) Yeah, I didn't think this one through.

Jack: So, if Milo dies...again...he`ll go into limbo.

Dom: Correct.

Jack: Oh, well. Good news for me. (aims gun at Milo)

Chloe: STOP IT!

Jack: (puts away gun) You`re no fun.

Dom: Where`s Cheney?

Milo: In the trunk. He`s passed out with a bag over his head.

Dom: (goes to trunk, opens it) This is a car. Why didn't you put him in the back seat?

Milo: Because I didn't want him to notice me.

Jack: (helps Dom pull out Cheney out of car) Isn`t that what the bag is for?

Milo: Hey! I`ve been fatally shot! When you try to make sense of this plot...whatever it started with...while you`ve been SHOT, THEN you can bitch to me!

Dom: Morris, Jack. Take Cheney to the next room. Chloe, take care of Milo.

Jack: You got it, Dude. (him and Morris drag Cheney to another room)

Dom: Don`t call me dude. I`m not a stoner anymore. Not ever since...(looks melodramatically at the sky, ice cream music playing in his head, guns and screams are heard also)

Chloe: (goes to Dom) I`m worried.

Dom: Don`t worry. The deeper into the dreams Milo goes, the less severe the wound will get.

Chloe: I don`t give two s***s about Milo.

Milo: You know, just because I`m dying, doesn't mean I`m not deaf.

Chloe: (walks away from Milo with Dom) I`m worried about what`s going to happen.

Dom: Nothing, I guarantee.

Chloe: Then what was up with the train?

Dom: It was originally a doomed boat...(looks up melodramatically)

Chloe: DOM!

Dom: Sorry. (snaps back to normal) It had something to do with my wife and I. We used to go into dreams and, one time, we stayed in one dream for years and years on end. We grew old together. Then, we had to go. So, in order to wake up, we killed ourselves by letting a train run over us.

Chloe: Ewww, you had sex in order to kill yourselves?

Dom: A MOVING TRAIN, YOU IDIOT! (calms down) Now, the projections from my life are affecting the dream here.

Chloe: Then, why didn't you get the help you needed BEFORE you brought us down here?

Dom: I didn't think it was a big deal.

Chloe: A train almost got us killed and Cheney`s defences are at work, trying to kill us. PLEASE tell me how that`s not a big deal.

Dom: (looks around, nervous) The BAT Sig...

Chloe: (pulls out gun, aims at Dom) Do you want to go into Limbo?

Dom: I`ve been there. It`s horrifying. It`s filled with George Lucas`s movies that he f***ed up AND every single Pauly Shore movie ever made.

Chloe: That doesn`t sound too bad.

Dom: It also has all the Marcen12 stories AND more.

Chloe: (pulls away gun) Oh God.

Dom: There is no God...at least, not here.

Chloe: You have NO idea what you`ve got gotten us into.

Dom: (sees Morris) Alright, we need to get Cheney to reconsider his plan...at least, suggest it, get it in his head.

Morris: Uhhhh huh. About that idea...

Chloe: Where`s Jack?

Morris: Well, you and Jack are on the same idea wavelength...only he`s forcing it into him.

Dom: (looks at Morris`s feet) Why are your shoes tracking blood?

Morris: Jack is in the other room...I...there are no words.

**In the next room**

Jack: (punching Cheney in bloodied head) WHO DO YOU WORK FOR? (punches Cheney in face) WHY DID YOU LIKE KARATE KID PART 3? (punches crotch) WHY DO PEOPLE HATE INDIANA JONES 4? SURE, THE CGI WAS SHODDY, BUT (punches Cheney in face) IT (punches Cheney in face) WAS (face again) FUN!

Chloe and Dom come in the room.

Dom: JACK! WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING?

Jack: Interrogation.

Dom: (looks at Chloe) Is this how he does his work?

Chloe: Yeah, we`re used to it.

Dom: But Morris...

Chloe: He`s a drama queen.

Morris: (comes in) I AM NOT A DRAMA QUEEN! WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

Chloe: Morris, where did you get that dress?

Morris: Where did you get that face?

Morris: From your mom! OOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!

Chloe: (deadpan) Wow, great comeback.

Morris: Now, if you`ll excuse me, I have to go on the date with one of the people who were just chasing us.

Dom: Oh okay...wait, what?

Morris: Yeah, there are gun men surrounding the place, waiting for their next move.

Chloe: Why didn't you tell us earlier?

Morris: I`M AN ALCOHOLIC!

Dom: Yeah...he`s got a point. (turns to Jack) Okay, Jack. Have you tried to suggesting to Cheney NOT to go ahead with the plan?

Jack: He has. Dammit.

Chloe: What? That takes care of stage one of the dream.

Jack: I wanted to pistol whip him.

Dom: Jack, we need Cheney ALIVE.

Chloe: Isn`t Cheney technically dead?

Dom: Oh yeah...but we can`t take that chance. Now, you two, put Cheney in the car, we have to put him in the car.

Jack: (lifts up Cheney, Chloe helps) Where are we going next?

Dom: (walks to car, with Jack and Chloe carrying Cheney) We`re going to the next dream. (goes to Morris) Morris, we need you to drive away from the projections.

Morris: ME? Did you not hear me? I am an alcoholic!

Jack: Well, sober or drunk, you drive erratically.

Chloe: Yeah, he`s got a point.

_FLASHBACK_

Jack, Chloe and Bill are playing Need For Speed: Underground 2.

Jack: Wow! This game is better than Burnout 3!

Chloe: I did not just hear that.

There is a crash outside of the house.

Bill: (gets up) What the f*** was that? (goes outside...to see Morris`s car crashed in front of his house) WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING?

Morris: (gets out of the car, holding a hooker) Help me! She`s overdosed on heroin she found in my pocket!

Bill: What have I told you about bringing hookers who overdosed over to my house?

Morris: Go next door to Charlie Sheen`s house.

Bill: EXACTLY! Now get the f*** off my lawn!

**At the editor`s desk**

Editor: You`re STILL making Charlie Sheen jokes?

Me: Well, you know me. I`m old fashioned.

Editor: Your mom was old fashioned. OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!

Me: Oh okay.

Editor: Wait...that`s it? No Bat Signal? No Chuck Norris joke? No gun jokes?

Me: Nope. Because you`re older than me...so YOUR mom is dead.

Editor: Okay, that was uncalled for.

Me: That isn't what your mom said when I grave robbed her.

Editor: I respect you as a writer...sorry, the word respect should be in quotations...but if you continue to act like a child.

Me: (opens door) Hey, everybody! Mr. Editor misses his mommy! (closes door)

Editor: I f***ed your girlfriend!

Me: (angry) Oh you TWAT! (pulls out gun)

Editor: SIT YOUR 6 FOOT 3 ASTHMATIC ASS DOWN! (pulls out gun)

Me: You know what? Let`s settle this like gentlemen.

**At a TV show**

Me and The Editor are on a stage with an audience.

Audience: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

Jerry Springer: Welcome back to the show. We are here with these two gentlemen, one of them has a girlfriend and cheated on him with his friend.

Me: He is NOT my friend, guy!

Editor: I am not your guy, friend!

Me: I am not your buddy, man!

Editor: I am not your man, buddy!

Me: (about to say something but stops) Wait what?

Editor: (looks back to what he said) Whoa, sorry. That went a little too far.

Jerry: Now, you both hate each other because his girlfriend cheated on him.

Editor: SHE LOVES ME!

Me: No, SHE LOVES ME!

Jerry: Why don`t we ask her right now! She`s back stage right now! Jessica, come out!

A woman dressed in casual (slutty) clothing...trailer trashy.

Me: (gets up to Jessica) Is it true? Did you cheat on me?

Jessica: Hell ya I did!

Me: WHY? I gave you everything! I took care of you!

Jessica: It`s because your friend over there is much stronger than your weak willness.

Editor: That`s right. She loves me. She`s in bed with me going OOOOOOOHHHH EDITOR! OOOOOOOOHHHHHHH EDITOR!

Me: (goes to Editor) You mother (BLEEP)! (punches Editor) YOU (BLEEP) my girlfriend, you (BLEEP)!

Editor: (punches back) If you satisfied your girl, she wouldn't have come to me!

Me and Editor start fighting.

Audience: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Guards split us up and Jerry talks some more.

Jerry: Now, that`s what I call balls to the wall. (Audience laughs as Jerry goes to a male audience member) What do you think of this whole situation? (leans microphone to member)

Audience Member: Girl? Why do you waste your time with those idiots...when you can spend time with...the ICE ICE BABY! (this member of the audience turns out to be Vanilla Ice) Yup. Yup. (takes microphone away from Jerry) I`m the people`s choice, y`all. (gets shot twice at the same time)

Me: (puts away gun) Sorry, he will not stop when he starts.

Editor: (puts away gun) Yeah, trust us. We`re doing you all a favor.

Jessica: But that was Vanilla Ice! Why did you kill him?

Me: Shut the (BLEEP) up, you (BLEEP)

Jessica: YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU (BLEEP) TWAT? GO (BLEEP) YOURSELF! (walks away)

Jerry: You`re just going to let her get away?

Me: I don`t know her.

Jerry: Wait, what?

Me: I don`t have a girlfriend.

Editor: You don`t?

Me: No! And your mom`s still alive, remember? She`s in Miami with your dad!

Editor: (remembers) Oh yeah! (confused) Then why the Hell are we here?

Me: I don`t know! Let`s get back to the office. (walks out)

Editor: Thanks, Jerry! (walks out)

Jerry: (looks to the camera) Coming up next. Aliens come from outer space so they can get back their alien human baby. Stay tuned. (camera pans out to audience, who are applauding)

**At the editor`s desk**

Me: Do you have any idea why that show is still on?

Editor: Satan.

Me: (shrugs) I`ll take it.

**Back to the story**

The gang are in the car, Morris is the front seat, everyone else in the back.

Dom: Now, remember, Morris, we need you to get away from the projections. So, drive around the city. Just don`t crash the car, we need the time to get into Chloe`s dream and get Cheney to think that his kidnapping was orchestrated by Jeff Goldblum.

Morris: Jeff Goldblum? Why would he think he`s a kidnapper.

Dom: Think about it...would ANYONE suspect Jeff Goldblum?

Jack: (shocked) Wow.

Chloe: THAT`S THE STUPIDEST THING I`VE EVER HEARD!

Dom: Exactly. Jeff Goldblum thought it up...and he purposely made the plan stupid so no one would suspect him...oh, sure, he`s quirky in real life...but he`s sadistic. You know that line in Jurassic Park? "Must go faster. Must go faster." That is the line he uses in real life when he`s running away from the authorities...and they still don`t know it`s him.

Chloe: Then, why don`t you tell the cops if you know he did it?

Dom: Chloe...would YOU believe that Jeff Goldblum causes 2 billion dollars worth of crimes?

Chloe: (sits back, dumbfounded) F***. That is a brilliant man.

Milo: QUIT PISSING AROUND HERE! I`m dying and there are armed guards following us! So, let`s go, dammit!

Jack: Don`t use my word or I`ll kill you!

Dom: But that would send him in Limbo.

Jack: I`m willing to take that chance.

Dom: Alright, Morris, let`s drive. Jack, put your needle in. Chloe, put your needle in and then help Milo put his in.

Milo: Wait a minute. I`m dying and my needle is put in last?

Dom: It`s the rules of the car.

Milo: That`s just stupid. Injured people should go first. What the f*** is wrong with you people? What if I die?

Chloe: You know, the way you`re talking right now seems like you could do it yourself.

Milo: No. You can do it for me.

Chloe: (rolls eyes, puts Milo`s needle in) We`re ready to go, Morris.

Dom: Alright, push the button on the machine, we have to get to the next dream. Everyone, synch up your watches. Morris, in 50 minutes, you give us a kick.

Morris: A what?

Dom: It helps us get out of a dream. Use water or extremely violent movement. Don`t do this too late or too soon, otherwise, it won`t work. (pulls out headphones) Put these on Chloe and play music 4 minutes before you do the kick. We all have to synch the kicks in all the dreams, otherwise, the dreams will fall apart and it`s Checkmate for all of us.

Morris: (starts car) You go it, boss. (pushes button, everyone falls asleep) Here we go. (engine dies) Oh f*** my life.

_The Second Dream_

Cheney is in a bar, with a drink in his hand.

Dom: (beside him) It`s simple, really.

Cheney: What is? Who are you?

Dom: I`m the guy who will be helping you. You`re in incredible danger.

Cheney: I am? What`s going on?

Dom: You`re about to be kidnapped. (pauses and looks at two children playing ball...My Heart Will Go On plays in his head) I`m going to help you.

_ELSEWHERE_

Jack and Chloe are sitting on a bench.

Jack: So, what`s happening here?

Chloe: Dom is going to tell Cheney who he really is.

Jack: Wouldn`t that screw up the plan?

Chloe: As long as nothing goes wrong...(looks around) People are staring at us.

Jack: Quick, kiss me.

Chloe: (slaps Jack in face) The day I kiss you is the day that Harrison Laine does movie reviews again. (walks away)

Jack: (looks at people looking at him) Women! Can`t live with them...can`t sleep with them.

**At the editor`s desk**

Editor: That seems kind of harsh towards women, doesn't it?

Me: (shrugs) We were on the Jerry Springer show...this pales in comparison.

Editor: Okay but the line about Harrison Laine really concerns me. What happened to him?

Me: (nervous) Just keep reading.

**Back to the story**

Dom is still talking to Cheney.

Dom: You see that liquid you`re drinking?

Cheney: (looks at his drink) Oh my God! Is it poison?

Dom: (shrugs) How the f*** should I know? Anyway, you`re in a dream within a dream...and people are trying to kidnap you.

Cheney: What did I do?

Dom: You came from Hell, remember?

Cheney: Oh yeah. Back when people listened to me and took me seriously.

Dom: Jeff Goldblum is trying to kidnap you.

Cheney: WHAT? OH MY GOD! GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER!

Dom: (looks around, people are looking at them) Calm down, okay. There is a room upstairs that we have to go to so you can be safe.

Cheney: Fine. (people look away) But I got to take a wicked piss.

Dom: Fine, let`s go. (gets up with Cheney)

Cheney: You`re coming with me? What, are you going to help me shake it?

Dom: If it keeps you safe from Mr. Goldblum.

_ELSEWHERE_

Jack is walking to an elevator when he sees Milo.

Jack: Milo, we have to go to...(sees someone behind him...Bill) Bill! What the Hell are YOU doing here?

Bill: I was bored at CTU. Nothing is happening up there so I said, what the Hell.

Milo: How the Hell did you get down here and find us?

Bill: I used the sleep thing and thought of Morris...then I ended up in a bar.

Jack: Why do I get the feeling that there is a plot hole in the one sentence?

Bill: So, what`s going on?

Jack: We have to get Cheney up to a hotel room. I have to go up and put mines in the elevator and the hotel room.

Milo: Then Chloe has to stay here to fight off the projectors since this is her dream.

Bill: Nice. And guess what? I found out that I can change into different people!

Jack: Really? How forced in to the story.

Bill: I can only do it when no one is looking.

Milo: Change into Jeff Goldblum.

Jack: Cheater.

Bill: WHAT?

Milo: You`re probably going to get Jeff Goldblum from out of nowhere and pretend that he`s you being him.

Bill: How preposterous!

Milo: Yeah, I have to go do stuff since I`m kind of pointless here. (walks away, coughs up blood) No more doing bloody maries in the middle of the night.

_ELSEWHERE_

Dom and Cheney go into the bathroom.

Cheney: This is the women`s washroom.

Dom: Do you even care?

Cheney: I guess not. (washroom opens and men in black suits come in with gun) OH GOD!

Dom: (pulls out gun and shoots them both) These were the kidnapper`s associates!

Cheney: I don`t have to use the bathroom anymore.

Dom: We have to get out of here, quick.

Cheney: (takes a gun from one of the associates and puts the trigger on his head) Hell with that.

Dom: I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Cheney: Why, what`s going to happen? Will I die? I CAME FROM HELL! I`M PRETTY SURE I`M USED TO DEATH BY THIS POINT!

Dom: These kidnappers put a strong sedative in your drink.

Cheney: So, I`ll wake up before the sedative kicks in.

Dom: The kidnappers already did. Remember, you`re in a dream within a dream. If you shoot yourself, you go into Limbo.

Cheney: So, Jeff Goldblum already dosed me and this is his dream?

Dom: Yep.

Cheney: Then, why didn't he kill me in the last dream?

Dom: Shut up, or I`ll slap you with my ring hand.

Cheney: You`re married?

Dom: (looks up, melodramatically) I was. (Titanic song plays in his head...snaps out of it) Let`s go. There are people who work with me in the hotel room. (both get out of bathroom)

_UPSTAIRS _

Chloe arrives on the hotel room floor where she meets Jack and Bill.

Chloe: Bill? What the f*** are you doing here?

Bill: Long story.

Jack: He was bored and he decided to come with us.

Chloe: Oh okay. So, what`s going on?

Jack: Well, I set up the detonators and the sleep thing in the hotel room. Dom will come up with Cheney so he can convince him to go into my dream and access the final objective.

Bill: Which is?

Jack: Get Cheney to re thinks his plan for world domination.

Milo: (comes up behind Chloe) I feel dizzy.

Jack: Don`t worry. The wound will be less severe in the next dream, which you, me, Dom and Bill will go to.

Chloe: Wait, what about me?

Jack: Chloe, this is YOUR dream. You have to keep away the projections from disrupting our plans.

Chloe: Wait, why couldn't you do this, Jack?

Jack: Because it`s not my dream. Now, remember, don`t get killed.

Chloe: HOW? IT`S A F***ING DREAM? HOW CAN I PROTECT MYSELF FROM DEATH IN A F***ING DREAM IF IT`S IMPOSSIBLE TO DIE IN YOUR DREAMS?

Milo: (wincing in pain) Because it`s a dream. Suspend your disbelief.

Chloe: Heart of a poet.

An elevator from behind them opens...Dom and Cheney come out.

Dom: Don`t worry, they`re with us...I`m not sure how Bill got here, but I`ll read it in the script.

Chloe: Trust me, this is already too complicated for a script.

Dom: Where`s the hotel room?

Jack: This way. (leads group to hotel room, kicks down door) Okay, the kidnappers aren't here. We have to hurry.

Cheney: What`s going on?

Dom: (sets up sleep thing and pulls out a needle) We have to go into another dream to stop the kidnappers from destroying you any further. Get on the bed.

Milo: Maybe we should leave these two, you guys. I don`t like where this is going.

Jack: I do. Anyone have any popcorn?

Dom: We are going to put you to sleep. (takes sleeping pill from pocket) Take this, quickly.

Cheney: Okay. (swallows pill) But I don`t know how fast it will...(falls asleep)

Jack: Why couldn't we use ether on him?

Chloe: Because he`ll suspect WE are the kidnappers.

Jack: Well, there are three ways to do things: The good way, the bad way and the Jack Bauer way.

Dom: (puts needle in his own arm) What the Jack Bauer way.

Jack: The bad way with many many MANY more consequences.

Dom: Yeah, I`ve read the past scripts for this series...that is MORE than true.

Milo: (puts needle into arm) Let`s do this.

Jack: Chloe. Are you sure you can defend this room?

Chloe: NO! I CAN`T, YOU IDIOT!

Jack: Thata girl!

Dom: Chloe. In 40 minutes, you will need to do the kick. (pulls out headphones) 4 minutes before you do the kick, which is about the same time Morris is about to do his, put these on Jack and play music. This is a warning that time will be up soon.

Chloe: Got it...you A-holes. (sees that the men are lying down, with needles in their arms) Oh God, this reminds me of that drug trip in Canada. You guys ready?

Dom: Push the button, Chloe.

Chloe: (pushes button on sleep thing, the men fall asleep) I bet Morris doesn't have to put up with this.

_THE FIRST DREAM_

Morris is looking at the engine of the car.

Morris: Damn, I can't figure out why this car isn't starting. (engine catches fire) Hmmm, this must be a metaphor of some kind. Maybe if I...do...something with the engine. Maybe I can change it. (touches engine, screams) FIRE BAD! (runs around) What can I use? (goes into another room and sees a sink full of water, a fire extinguisher, a hose and a machine gun) Well, this is obvious.

_A FEW SECONDS LATER_

Morris: (holding machine gun, engine is destroyed) Well, I thought I could just SHOOT the fire away but I think I made it worse. (gunshots come from window) Oh yeah. I forgot about those guys. (puts down machine gun) I got to defend myself. (goes into other room)

_THE THIRD DREAM_

Jack, Milo, Dom, Cheney and Bill are in Jack's dream, which is at a snowy mountain fortress.

Dom: So, everybody got the plan?

Jack: Sure we do. But why don't you explain it to Milo. He's a little slow.

Dom: Alright, we need to get to the tower but there are a lot of projections on the way there. Everyone needs to work on their parts to get past them. Milo, you come with me. Jack, find a way to get there. (gives him a backpack) These are explosives. Plant them around the tower. Bill...you bring Cheney with you. Make sure Cheney gets there to that secret room...do what you do best.

Milo: Oh, that's going to be a fun turn of events.

Bill: What's that supposed to mean?

Milo: You've been in the past 23 chapter, you know EXACTLY what I mean.

Jack: Secret room? What secret room?

Dom: There's some sort of room in the tower that illustrates Cheney's decision to go ahead with the plan or not.

Jack: Amazing. You tell us this NOW?

Dom: Shut your face, Jack. Okay, everybody got the plan? Aaaaaaaand BREAK!

Jack spots a projection...a guard. He sneaks up to him.

Jack: Okay, Jack. No need to get nervous. You've done this plenty of times before. (tries to sleeper hold on the guard)

Guard: (turns around) Who the Hell are you?

Jack: Ok right! That wasn't me! That was my stunt double!

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Jack Bauer, the toughest man alive, has a stunt double.

Me: Yep.

Editor: Jack Bauer, Violent Magazine Man of the Year, SEVEN YEARS RUNNING, has a Goddamn stunt double.

Me: Yeah, isn't that neat?

Editor: Jack Bauer, the man who has killed over 110 people over the course of almost A DECADE, has a mother f***ing stunt double. WHY AREN'T YOU COMMITTED?

Me: Because the mental hospitals refuse to admit me.

Editor: WHAT?

Me: It's only because I screw up during my admittance interviews. I choked.

Editor: YOU choked? (chokes neck) YOU CHOKED?

**And one dying writer later...the story is back**

Guard: What the Hell do you think you're doing?

Jack: Uhhhh...(points behind Guard) Look over there! A unicorn!

Guard: Pffftttt. (rolls eyes) Unicorns don't exist.

Jack: You're right. It's only a tree.

Guard: (gasps) A TREE! WHERE? (turns around, smashes face first into a tree, faints)

Jack: Even in my dreams, the bad guys make no sense. (looks ahead of him, sees a ski doo snowmobile) Awesome.

_EIGHTEEN SECONDS LATER_

Jack looks at the ski-doo, dumbfounded, as it has crashed into a tree...lightly.

Jack: Oh, that's right! I can only drive cars! (vehicle explodes) Great! Now, I have to walk the rest of the way. (starts walking)

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: May you please tell me WHY Jack can't drive this vehicle?

Me: Well, everyone has their limits.

Editor: We're talking about a terrorist who came from Hell to take over the world through TELEVISION and the only person who can save everyone is the one who steals cars constantly only to crash them a few seconds later and the only thing he can't drive are a ski-doo.

Me: That's the jest of it.

Editor: You know. I don't know how anyone with your brain capacity can still be alive, let alone write anything.

Me: God loves me.

Editor: But He hates me.

**Back to the story**

Milo and Dom are walking toward the tower.

Milo: Are we there yet?

Dom: No. We are not there yet. We started walking five minutes ago. We are not there yet. You asked that question 4 minutes ago. That's what you asked me 30 seconds ago. So, 30 seconds from THEN, when you asked me, if we're there yet...my answer is STILL...NO, WE ARE NOT THERE YET!

Milo: So, when do you think we'll get there?

Dom: You know what? I fucking hate you. (sees a guard) Okay, Milo, let's be careful.

Milo: But there's one of them and two of us...(several guards appears right beside the guard) You know, I got to learn to keep my big mouth shut.

Dom: (listen closely) Looks like they were tipped off. They know there is an intruder here and they know there are more.

Milo: (coughing) You think Bill had something to do with it?

Dom: No, Bill wouldn't do anything that stupid. It's definitely Jack. (an explosion is heard) Oh Lord.

Jack rolls on the snow, putting himself out, when the flames go to his chest.

Jack: (stands up) I drove for several minutes on another ski-doo without bumping into anything. All of a sudden, it explodes. I guess it had something to do with that smell of gasoline and the fact that for ONCE, I smoked a cigarette. (breaks the 4th wall) Smoking's bad, m'kay? (looks ahead of him) Huh, I'm at the tower already. (opens backpack) Let' set up the explosives. We wouldn't want things to (puts on sunglasses) to get blown out of proportion. (screams) YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH! (plays air guitar) DUN DUUUUUUUUN!

Milo: (hacking like mad) Jack is going to blow our cover. What do we do, Dom?

Dom: (pulls out gun) Change the plan. (shoots several guards to death)

Milo: How are we going to get out of this one? (surviving guards turn around, pull out guns) I can't take another gunshot.

Dom: (gets up) Wait here. (runs to a guard, starts punching him)

Guard #1: Should we shoot this guy while he's punching our own?

Guard #2: Nah. I want to see how this goes.

Guard #3: Uhhh, the intruder has the guy's blood on his fist.

Guard #2: So, he was a douche.

Dom: (gets up, sees a ski-doo) Idea.

Milo: (gets on ski-doo) COWABUNGA DUDE! (rides the ski-doo around the guards) Come on, try to shoot me!

Guard #1: (tries shooting but shoots Guard #2)

Guard #2: AAAAAAAHHHHH! (falls while shooting gun...fatally wounding Guard #3)

Guard #1: (looks at the bodies of his co-workers) Oh God. I'm not cleaning up this mess. (fires gun into mouth, bleeds out of death)

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: How is suicide funny?

Me: Who cares? These are fictional characters.

Editor: (hears door knock) Come in.

Three women come in, crying.

Woman #1: Excuse us. Have you seen our husbands?

Editor: Why are you asking us? We don't know who you're talking about.

Woman #2: They were guards at a snowy fortress.

Me: Sorry. We have no clue who you're talking about.

Woman #3: We haven't heard from them in months. We're really starting to worry.

Editor: Then why don't you call their boss? Why the Hell are you here?

Woman #2: I guess you're right. Thanks for your...(gets shot to death)

Me: (holding shotgun) AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! (shoots remaining women to death) There. They're dead now.

Editor: Great. Now, there are bloodstains on the carpet. I just bought it recently.

Me: Sir, you have no carpets on the floor, this is hardwood. (pulls women into room, closes door)

Editor: Whatever. What are we going to do with the body?

Me: We'll need sulfuric acid, some shovels, garbage bags and a chainsaw.

Editor: Why does it sound like you've done this before?

Me: (looks around) How's your brother?

Editor: Come to think of it...I haven't seen him in several months. Which is interesting because he lives with me.

Me: Indeed.

Editor: Say, the guards were in the dream...so, why do those women exist?

Me: (looks around, confused) I...I...don't know!

**Back to the story**

_THE SECOND DREAM_

Chloe is walking around the hotel room floor.

Chloe: I can't believe they left me here to die. (sees elevator open, a projection comes out) Great. And I have no fighting skills. (walks away, projection flows her) But, wait. This is a dream. MY dream. Anything I think up can come true. (turns a corner, projection follows)

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: Is that possible?

Me: Just go with it. It'll be over soon.

**Back to the story**

Chloe: (turns around) COME ON, BIG GUY! I HAVE THE MOVES LIKE JAGGER! (does The Hammer) I GOT THE MOVES LIKE JAGGER! I GOT THE MOVES LIKE JAGGER!

Projection...well, Guard: Your dated technique is impressive but it's no match for me! (punches Chloe in face)

Chloe: (nose bleeding, shocked) You punched me!

Guard: Well...yeah. I'm not going to do some stupid dance off!

Chloe: (slaps Guard) COME ON, YOU BASTARD!

Guard punches Chloe in the face, Chloe karate chops his neck. He kicks her into the wall and goes up to her. Chloe strangles him.

_AT THE FIRST DREAM_

Morris looks at the car with the burnt engine with fending the projections off with...a fire extinguisher.

Morris: (sprays it at projections) Stay back! You fiends! (looks back at car) Got to find out what wrong with it. (looks at engine, which is officially dead) Maybe it's the tires. (finds jack at the back of car, jacks up back end of car) Come on, come on! Hurry up! (jacks car too far up) HIGHER, DAMN YOU, HIGHER! (kicks car hard, flips over)

_AT THE SECOND DREAM_

Chloe and Guard are still fighting but they are flying across the wall and end up on the ceiling, fighting.

Chloe: (thinks) Damn it, Morris.

_AT THE THIRD DREAM_

Milo: (falls, hacking blood) The wounds weren't THIS severe in the last dream.

Dom: That's because the dreams are getting tougher. Also, we've been here longer than the last dream.

Milo: No, we haven't...around this time last time, I was ONLY coughing. Now I'm hacking blood like Family Guy hacks jokes from The Simpsons.

Dom: (picks Milo up) Come on, we can do this. The tower is only a few feet away.

Jack: (setting up explosives around tower, with singing) Making Dom happy, making Dom happy. Doin' his chores, doin' his chores. (puts an explosive on a window) Putting bombs on window, putting bombs on a window.

_AT THE SECOND DREAM_

Chloe and Guard are still fighting and floating around the floor, violently.

Chloe: Wait. What the Hell am I doing? (pulls out gun, shoots Guard to death) Why didn't I do this MINUTES ago? (falls to orbit)

_AT THE FIRST DREAM_

Morris settles the car down, which is shaken and battered but safe. Morris hears the projections trying to break in.

Morris: Oh God. Oh Man. (starts spinning but stops, throws up, breaks 4th wall) Alcohol is bad, m'kay? (takes out headphones, turns on music, puts them on Chloe)

_AT THE SECOND DREAM_

Chloe is walking around the floor when she hears music...Seven Days by Barney The Dinosaur.

Chloe: (looks at watch) No, it's too soon. (goes to room, grabs headphones, puts it on Jack)

_AT THE FIRST DREAM_

Morris: (walks around, nervous) There has to be a way out of here. (looks behind him and sees a huge window) Well, that something new. (looks through window and sees a huge lake) Perfect. (pulls out machine gun, shoots out glass through windows) Wait. (sees a hatch, opens it, window opens completely) Maybe I should use that brain Chloe was talking about. (pushes car toward window as the projections start to come in) I HAVE THE POWEEEEEERRRRRR! (pushes car out window, jumps in driver's seat and closes door...everything is in slow motion)

_AT THE SECOND DREAM_

Chloe: (runs across the floor...suddenly flies up) Oh great. Morris made the universe divide by zero again.

_AT THE THIRD DREAM_

Dom carries a weak Milo to the tower when he feels a rumble.

Dom: (pulls out walkie talkie) Jack, do you feel...wait, I didn't give Jack a walkie talkie. Come on, Milo, we have to go fast.

Jack is putting the last explosion on when he hears music...Banana Phone.

Jack: God damn it, Chloe. You know how much I hate this song. (sees two figures coming toward him)

Dom sees a figure waving to him. Jack. He motions Jack to come down to him.

Dom: Jack, time is running out. We have to go NOW before Milo dies.

Jack: You know, we can just take our time.

Dom: Where's Bill and Cheney?

Jack: I don't know. We have to move fast.

Dom: What about the guards?

Jack: I took care of all of them.

_MINUTES EARLIER_

Jack is surrounded by 17 guards about to kill him.

Jack: Before you kill me, answer me this. What is so hot, it's cool, so cool, it's hot, and is the ow in the word now?

Guards look at each other, pondering over the question. Some sit down to take it all in. Jack slowly walks away from them.

_PRESENT TIME_

Dom, Jack and a dying Milo head into a secret part of the tower.

Jack: If I distracted all the guards, why are we still sneaking in?

Dom: We can't take that risk. Besides, didn't you feel that shake?

Jack: Yeah.

Dom: The kicks are about to start. When that happens, the projections turn into the most evil kinds of projections...Internet Trolls.

Jack: HOOOOOOOLY FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Dom: Let's go, go, go!

_AT THE SECOND DREAM_

Chloe is floating on her way to the hotel room when she sees another projection, who pulls out a gun.

Chloe: Before you shoot, riddle me this. What came first? The chicken or the egg?

Projection: Well, the egg came from the chicken. But the chicken came from the egg. Without the egg, there's no chicken. But the egg comes from the chick- (blows up)

Chloe: Paradox.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: I don't think it's called a paradox.

Me: Shut the f*** up and keep reading.

**Back to the story**

Chloe floats into the room, where the guys are floating as well.

Chloe: Great. I can't blow up the room. It's not going to do much good. (hears a ding in her head) The elevator! (sees a LONG black rope on chair) How convenient.

_AT THE THIRD DREAM_

Dom, Jack and Milo make it into the tower.

Jack: We made it. But where's Bill and Cheney? (looks through a window) There they...uh oh. We got company.

Dom: Projections chasing them?

Jack: No. The projections are on the way here.

_WITH THE PROJECTIONS...WHICH ARE INTERNET TROLLS_

Troll #1: Why is this chapter so long?

Troll #2: This chapter isn't funny?

Troll #3: I don't like not funny!

Troll #4: Why did he take this long to do this chapter?

Troll #5: I'm going to stop following him if he does something like this again!

Troll #6: It was better when the chapter were 19 pages long!

Troll #7: I'm going to stop following him on twitter!

Troll #8: I've already stopped! This guy sucks!

_BACK WITH JACK AND THE GANG_

Jack: (hears a noise, looks behind him) Oh thank God!

Dom: (lies Milo against a wall) Bill! Cheney! There you are! We have to get Cheney in that room! (points to a big mechanical room)

Bill: Yeah, good idea! But first...(pulls out gun, shoots Milo in stomach)

Jack: BILL! WHAT THE HELL? (pulls out gun at Bill) I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO THAT!

Milo: Not...urk...again. (dies)

Dom: (goes to Milo) Bill, why did you do that for?

Bill: God...will you please STOP calling me Bill? (changes form)

Dom: Oh my God.

Mallorie Cobb: Miss me, Dom?

Jack: How does she know you? Wait! Don't tell me. (goes to a blackboard, that appeared out of nowhere, and does an extremely complicated math problem) Carry the x and replace it with the y. GASP! You mean...she's your...?

Dom: That's right.

Jack: She's your cousin's sister's father's mother's friend's brother-in-law's sister's mother's mother's father's cousin's son's daughter' sister's enemy's brother-in-law's cousin seven times removed?

Dom: WHAT? NO! We were married!

Jack: OOOOOOH! Yeah, that should made sense when I read her last name in the script.

Mallorie: Well, looks like we meet again.

Jack: Dom, what the Hell is she doing here?

Dom: She's my projection.

Jack: And she disguised herself as a person you barely know and she doesn't know at all?

Dom: She's everybody's projection.

Mallorie: That's right. I had to stop your plan before you ruin everything.

Jack: Wait...if we were married, why does she want to stop the mission?

Dom: Again, Jack, it's my projection, it's not really her.

Jack: (turns around) Oh God. The projections are coming. I got to block the entrances. Tell me everything while I do everything. (looks around for things to block)

Mal: He killed me.

Jack: Interesting. (breaks 4th wall) We'll need a flashback for this.

_FLASHBACK_

Dom: (Voice Over) My wife and I were in a dream together and we were there until we were old age. Then, we went back but something was wrong with Mal. She was a little off when she went into the real world...she thought she was in the real world. So, one night, we spent the night at a hotel.

Jack: (VO) Wait a minute. You guys have a house, yet, you spend a night at a hotel? Couldn't you just have the HOUSE to yourselves?

Dom: (VO) We have kids.

Jack: (VO) Why didn't you just let someone take care of your kids at someone else's house.

Dom: (VO) Because shut the f*** up, that's why. Anyways, I bought some flowers from a store and went in the room we were staying in when I noticed there was a mess.

Jack: (VO) What kind of mess? Young Johnny Depp hotel mess or Keith Moon hotel mess?

Dom: (VO) Neither. Just a broken lamp, a broken mirror and blood on the walls. The usual. Then, it happened...

_Dom sees his wife outside...across the street...in another hotel room...outside the window._

_Dom: Mal, what are you doing?_

_Mal: I can't be lied to anymore! I know this isn't the real world!_

_Dom: There's no cameras anywhere! Besides, do you see any roommates that increasingly piss you off every day?_

_Mal: I meant I know this is still a dream! And I want you to come out of the dream with me._

_Dom: Mal, listen! This isn't a dream!_

_Mal: Okay, then. If this isn't a dream, how did I get into another hotel room, conveniently across from yours?_

_Dom: I...don't...hold on a second...(looks through script) Nooo, I don't think the script explains that._

_Mal: (looks over script) Huh, what do you know. Well, no matter, we have to jump off the rooms to get out of the dream._

_Dom: Don't jump! This isn't a dream!_

_Mal: If you don't jump, it'll explain everything to the cops._

_Dom: The cops? Why would you bring the cops into this?_

_Judge Dredd: (out of nowhere) Because you betrayed the law! _

_Dom: LAWWWWWWW!_

_Mal: I made sure that it seems like you murdered me!_

_Dom: But people saw me come here just now! They won't..._

_Mal: They will! And all those psychiatric tests I got? I faked it! I pretended to be normal! Now, the kids will be gone and everything will be up s*** creek for you! This is all your fault!_

_Dom: What? HOW?_

_Mal: You planted the idea in my mind! Now, it's time to plant one in yours! (jumps) _

_Dom: QUICK! WHAT WAS THE IDEA? MAL? (hears a splat) I'm sure she's fine._

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Dom: But she wasn't fine. She was dead. And Mal left behind several clues that she would have me be accused of murder.

Jack: For what? Because you planted an idea in her head?

Dom: The idea was that the world we were in wasn't real but when she returned to the real world, she still thought dying would wake her.

Jack: So, in a way, you DID kill her.

Dom: So, what I told you was true...in a certain point of view.

Jack: So, she's here to try to stop the mission AND kill you.

Mal: Kill him? No. (shoots Dom in shoulder)

Dom: Cheney! Come on, you have to finish this before she kills you.

Cheney: She can't kill me...and stop calling me Cheney.

Jack: Wait, what? Why?

Cheney: Because I am not who you think I am. I'm working for the projection of Mal here and for the evil forces in the real world. (begins to shape shift)

Dom: Are you telling us that ALL this was a trap to get us to this point?

Mal: That's right. You won't survive long enough to get out of this dream. And it's ALL thanks to one person. (points to a no longer Cheney, finished shape shifting)

Jack: Oh my God. Oh my f***ing God.

Terri Bauer: (pulls out gun to Jack) Hello, sweetie.

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (shocked, throws script on desk) Oh my God.

Me: Yeah. (laughs) Nice, isn't it?

Editor: But...it's...what the f***?

Me: Yeah, I thought of that twist since chapter 4.

Editor: I don't know whether to strangle you or kill you...or both. I don't know if this is really smart or really stupid.

Me: See, I'm not as dumb as you think.

Editor: No. I still think you're the biggest idiot in the world but that twist...this...whoa, what the f***ing Hell? TERRI BAUER IS THE VILLIAN IN THE WHOLE F***ING SERIES?

Bison: (turns around) Of course!

Me: (looks at Bison) Sorry, we've overused that joke. Please leave.

Bison: (walks away, sad...How Could This Happen To Me is playing in his head, closes door)

Me: Yeah, that joke has been overused too!

Editor: (gasping) I...don't...think...(vomits on desk...for 24 long seconds, gasps) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! (gasps) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! (calms down) No. No. No.

Me: Please finish the damn story. You're almost finished

Editor: I will never be finished.

A ghost appears beside Editor.

Obi-Wan: Stop stealing my joke.

Me: Where the f*** were you? You were late for that joke!

Obi-Wan: I was training...

Me: Training? You're dead, your best friend betrayed you and you got HIS son to fight him! So, training for WHAT exactly?

Obi-Wan: For your death. (disappears)

Editor: Well, as long as you're going to die...(picks up script) I'll read more.

**Back to the story**

Jack: Honey! Hi! What's up? Ummmm, why did you do all this?

Terri: Why? WHY? Because you got me KILLED, you f***ing idiot!

Jack: Oh, come on! I'm Jack Bauer, you should know this ever since we got married. I'm the most dangerous man alive! No one is safe!

Terri: So, how come our daughter is safe!

Jack: Oh yeah...didn't hire Saddam and he made her watch the worst movie...

Terri: Where were you the night I was killed?

Jack: I was going to you! I ran like Hell to get to you!

_FLASHBACK_

Jack: (running down street) I'm coming for you, honey. I'm coming for you, honey. I'm...(stops and goes backwards to see a huge poster) Harrison Ford? The toughest man in the world? (pulls out gun) Hold on, honey. I have to make a pit stop first.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

Terri: YOU KILLED HARRISON FORD BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT HE WAS TOUGHER THAN YOU WERE...AND I GOT KILLED?

Jack: Well, it was all in manliness.

Terri: I WILL KILL YOU!

Jack: You can't kill me! I'm Jack Bau...(gets shot) Oh GOD! I've been wounded! (falls to ground when there is an earthquake)

Dom: (takes out dream thing) Jack! The dream is collapsing! (puts needle in own arm) I have to go get Milo from Limbo!

Mal: (goes to Dom, aims gun) Oh no, you won't.

Jack: Not today, pretty lady. (shoots Mal)

Mal: (falls down) I'll see you in Limbo. (dies)

Jack: Dom! If you bring Milo back, won't he still have his wounds from before?

Dom: Shut up and press the button!

Jack: Don't let me deal with my wife!

Dom: I know that your wife was a good person before she died!

Jack: No, she wasn't! She was always a rotten bitch! She tried to kill me in my sleep, she gave any nuclear secrets to Canada but, worst of all, she hid the remote...SHE HID THE REOMOTE, DAMMIT!

Dom: I'm sorry but...

Jack: NO BUTS! YOU CAN TRY TO KILL ME! YOU CAN GIVE AWAY THE MOST DIABOLICAL SECRETS TO ENEMIES OF THE STATE! BUT WHEN YOU F***ING HIDE THE GODDAMN TV REMOTE AWAY FROM ME, YOU ARE GOING TO F***ING DIIIIIIIIIE! (pushes button, Dom falls asleep into Limbo) Oh God, I wasn't supposed to do that!

Terri: Jack! You killed me!

Jack: I don't care! I could give two s***ts about you!

Terri: Then, why did we get married?

Jack: Because the writer of this story didn't give us a reason!

Terri: Why did we stay together than?

Jack: So, we could protect our daughter...who was frequently kidnapped, so we probably didn't do much of a good job.

Terri: We? WE? I'VE BEEN DEAD ALL THIS TIME!

Jack: And whose fault was that?

Terri: AAAAAAHHHHHHH! (pulls gun on Jack)

_AT THE SECOND DREAM_

Chloe is holding the bombs in one hand and is pushing, while floating, the tied together Jack, Milo, Bill and Cheney to the elevator.

Chloe: Damn it, Morris. Turn off the damn song! It's going to be stuck in my head forever! (pushes bodies into elevator) Just a few more minutes...(song changes in her head) OH COOL! THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!

_IN LIMBO...WHICH IS LIKE BEING IN A HURRICANE SINCE THE DREAM IS COLLAPSING_

Dom: (walks in his apartment...which is his actual house in the real world) MAL! I know you're in here! I KNOW Jack shot you! No one could stand you for 2 seconds without shooting you!

Mal: (appears beside him) Hi!

Dom: Where's Milo?

Mal: I'm not telling you.

Dom: Why not? Is it because I slept with one of your sisters?

Mal: (shocked) I was an only child!

Dom: Huh...then who did I sleep with?

Mal: YOU CHEATED ON ME! (pulls out gun)

Dom: I don't know what's going to happen to me if you shoot me but PLEASE tell me where Milo is!

Mal: Fine, I'll tell you. You have to do ONE thing.

Dom: What?

Mal: You have to swear to stay with me right here.

Dom: (thinks for a minute) Okay.

Mal: He's outside on the balcony.

Dom: (goes to balcony and sees Milo) There you are!

Milo: Thank God you're here! She was going to make me listen to Shaquille O'Neal rap for a WHOLE ENTIRE ALBUM!

Dom: See you later! (pushes Milo off balcony)

Milo: YOU'VE KILLED MEEEEEEE! (hits ground)

_THE THIRD DREAM_

Milo: (gets up) OH MY GOD! I'm alive!

Jack: (looks at Milo) AAAAAAHHHHHH! ZOMBIE! (shoots Milo to death)

_IN LIMBO_

Mal: Now, we can be together forever.

Dom: F*** you, you b**ch!

Mal: (angry) What?

Dom: I said f*** you, you b*tch...I mean, b**ch! I'm not staying here with you!

Mal: But you promised...

Dom: No, I said I SWORE, not promised! And I swore by saying f*** you, you b**ch! (hears a loud thud beside him) Milo?

Milo: Yeah. Jack shot me.

Mal: (points gun to Milo) And I will also.

Milo: (pushes Dom to her) Take him first! (jumps out of balcony)

Dom: (goes to balcony) I'll kill you!

Mal: (crying) Dom!

Dom: (goes to Mal) I'm sorry. You're not the woman I fell in love with. I love the wife before I planted the idea in her head...that makes me a bad husband. (kisses her) I love you.

Mal: I guess this is goodbye.

Dom: It's not goodbye. (goes to balcony) It's ciao. (jumps out of balcony)

_IN THE THIRD DREAM_

Dom: (wakes up) JACK! MILO! WHERE ARE YOU?

Jack: Over here! I'm still pondering whether or not I kill my wife!

Milo: Hurry up with the decision! The dream is collapsing! (looks at Jack's pocket) Ooooh! A detonator! I wonder what it does!

Jack: Milo! Don't touch that! It's going to blow up the whole building!

Milo: (pushes button) Ooooh! It's an alarm clock! It's counting down from 30!

Jack: MILO, YOU MORON!

Terri: Come on, Jack. You and me both know that you don't have the balls to kill me!

Dom: HE doesn't. (shoots Terri in the face, killing her)

Jack: WHAT THE F*** DID YOU JUST DO?

Dom: She is the reason why this goddamn story happened! I HAD to kill her!

Jack: But I loved her!

Dom: But she was a Hell spawning rampaging maniac!

Jack: But she was MY Hell spawning rampaging maniac! She's probably in Limbo right now! (puts gun to his head) I can have ALL the angry sex I want in Limbo and she can't get pregnant.

Dom: (slaps gun out Jack's hand) You are not going to die!

Milo: THREE...TWO...ONE!

The building starts to fall apart.

_THE SECOND DREAM_

Chloe closes her eyes as she detonates the bombs in the elevator. It goes downwards, quickly.

_THE THIRD DREAM_

Jack, Milo and Dom are being surrounded by wreckage.

Jack and Dom: MILO, YOU SON OF A...(gets killed in rubble)

Milo: Hooray! I win! (gets killed in explosion)

_THE SECOND DREAM_

Jack, Dom and Milo all wake up.

Milo: (looks at Chloe) Oh hey, Chloe! What's u...(elevator crashes, killing everyone)

_THE FIRST DREAM_

Morris and the car hit the water. Jack, Dom, Chloe and Milo wake up a second later.

Morris: Gulp! GULP! GULP! (points up)

Milo: Gulp! Gulp! GUUUUUUUULP! (takes off seat belt, swims upward with Morris)

Chloe: (takes off seat belt of Cheney)

Jack: (taps Chloe's shoulder, shakes his head, takes her hand and both swim upwards along with Dom)

_ON SHORE A FEW MINUTES LATER_

Chloe: So...Bill was actually Dom's dead wife trying to stop the plan and trap us here?

Jack: That's right!

Chloe: How would she do that if Dom escaped from Limbo so easily?

Dom: Because she doesn't think her plans through.

Morris: And Cheney, from this dream AND the real world, was actually Jack's dead wife, Terri?

Milo: Yeah.

Morris: I don't know if it's just me...but this story is REALLY f***ed up.

Jack: So...how do we get out of this dre...

_END OF DREAM_

**7:56 am**

Everybody, except Cheney, wakes up.

Jack: Wow. What a dream.

Milo: Or was it? (tension music begins) Naaaaaaah!

Dom: Thank you all for aiding me during this mission. I must be off.

Chloe: Where are you going?

Dom: To my children. Since this mission has succeeded, I can see them again. You guys are living proof that the mission was a success and the fact that there is a dead Cheney on the floor proves it even more.

Morris: Will we see you again?

Dom: Hopefully. (walks away) I'll be seeing you. (exits the building)

Jack: Well, I guess that's the end of the story.

Chloe: About f***ing time.

Milo: Wait a minute! We STILL don't know who stole Logan's cookies!

Morris: Oh my God! I completely forgot about that! And we're running out of time!

Jack: I know what we can do! A sing-a-long!

Chloe: Oh Lord.

Goofy music plays while the gang looks around. Suddenly, everyone turns on Jack.

All: Jack took the cookies from the cookie jar!

Jack: Who me?

All: Yes, you!

Jack: Couldn't be!

All: Then who?

The gang looks around again.

All: Chloe took the cookies from the cookie jar!

Chloe: F*** off!

All: It was you!

Chloe: Shut the f*** up!

All: Then who?

The gang looks around again.

All: Morris took the cookies from the cookie jar!

Morris: Who me?

All: Yes you!

Morris: Couldn't be?

All: Then who?

The gang looks around...oh you know the rest.

All: Milo took the cookies from the cookie jar!

Milo: I didn't do it! GODDAMN IT! I DIDN'T DO IT! I HATE COOKIES! I HATE F***ING COOKIES! AAAAAHHHHHHHH! (calms down)

Everyone stares at him.

Jack: Ooooookay. Moving on.

The gang looks around as the music begins to wind down.

All: Then who?

Suddenly, a green figure comes in.

Chloe: What the flying f***?

Baby Bop: Hi, everybody!

Milo: What the Hell is someone from BARNEY doing here?

Baby Bop: Oh nothing. I just wanted to swing by!

Morris: What are you holding in your hands?

Baby Bop: (shows them) A cookie jar. (looks at it closely) I don't know what a Logan is.

Jack: Are you telling me that everything that happened AFTER we forgot about the cookie jar thing had NOTHING to do with the cookie jar thing?

Chloe: (angry) Yeah. Baby Bop GOT PEOPLE KILLED!

Milo: Let's kill her! (him and everyone else pulls out their guns)

Baby Bop: Awwww, I love you too. (gets shot 36 times) I...found it under...a...desk...(dies)

Morris: A desk?

Milo: Here?

Chloe: Whose?

Jack: Oh right! (slaps forehead) I was taking care of Logan's cookies since he was busy and he wanted me to keep them for safe keeping! I totally forgot about that! (everyone stares at him) What?

**7:59:57**

**7:59:58**

**7:59:59**

**8:00:00**

**THE END**

**At the editor's desk**

Editor: (closes script) Holy Hell! That was exhausting.

Me: I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Editor: I didn't enjoy it at all.

Me: But we had some fun along the way.

Editor: Yeah...I guess you're ri...(door is kicked down) What the...

Snheetah: (holding machine gun) There you are! I've been looking all over for you! Why didn't I come sooner? Because you didn't write me in!

Me: But what do you want?

Snheetah: I killed your fans of your stories and I'm the only one...and you're next!

Me: But why?

Snheetah: I saw your final chapter...which was awesome but it was too short!

Me: But the real one is up right now.

Snheetah: What?

Me: Yeah! I put it online a while ago. It's the longest chapter I've ever written for this story...actually, ANY story!

Snheetah: Oh. (drops gun) Well, sorry about all the killings.

Me: Tell you what. I'll try to write you in another one of my stories since you followed ALL the way through!

Snheetah: Great! I've already been writing a parody of 24 just like you! Hope you read it! Bye! (walks out of room)

Editor: Are you really going to put her in one of her stories.

Me: I don't know. This story was so exhausting to write I might take a year off and forget about it.

Editor: Well, anyways, while you were talking to your fan girl, I emailed the WHOLE story to the executives at Fox.

Me: (shocked) YOU WHAT?

The door is smashed into bits by one big man...the President of Fox.

President: WHO WROTE THIS?

Me: (timid) I did.

President: WERE YOU REALLY THINKING YOU WOULD GET AWAY WITH WRITING THIS?

Editor: I tried to kill him, Mr. President, but he keeps coming back to life!

President: I wasn't going to kill him, I was going to ask if we could use his script for the show!

Editor: WHAT?

Me: (smiling) Sure, you can!

President: I only had to read 2 pages of your story and I knew it was going to be a monster hit!

Editor: (whispers) You should've read the rest of it!

Me: If you wanted to sign me on, why did you destroy the door?

President: Because Family Guy is going to be renewed for another season...idiots.

Me: Don't you have the power to cancel it?

President: Not if people are watching it.

Me: Well, let's celebrate this victory but PARTYING! (looks at Editor) COME ON, SIR! LET'S CELEBRATE!

Editor: (gets up) If it's for celebrating being an idiot, I might as well start back my alcoholism!

Me: That's the spirit! (goes outside with President) HEY EVERYBODY! LET'S PARTY LIKE IT 1999! DRUNK WHITE WOMEN FOR EVERYBODY! (applause is going around)

Editor: (gets out of room when he spots something) Huh, what's this. (picks up) It's a script. (reads title) 24 by Snheetah. (goes back to desk, starts reading) I'll read one chapter. Then I'll go to the party. It better be better than what that idiot showed me for a year.

**THE END.**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**WAIT A MINUTE**

A man with glasses, sitting at his desk, talking to a camera, takes a breath of relief.

Nostalgia Critic: So, that was the 24 parody AND IT SUCKS! The plot is all over the map, the characters are idiots, EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING IS ABSOLUTELY INSANE! IT'S ALL JUST S***! IT'S ALL S***! ONE BIG PILE OF BUG S***! F*** THIS MOVIE! F*** THIS MOVIIIIIIIE FOREVER! I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so YOU don't have to. (gets up and walks away) I MEAN, JESUS!

Snheetah Fan Fiction page:  u/2270533/snheetah

Harrison Laine's YouTube movie review page:  user/HarrisonLaine12?feature=mhum (I'll put the facebook and twitter page in a few months)

My Fanfiction page:  u/2050943/marcen12

**Thank you for reading this exhausting story. I hope you like it. Take care! Love each other, get through everything! Every day is a struggle. Just know that you have people that will get you through it. Love one another, love yourselves and the world will be Heaven before we get there!**


End file.
